He'll get there, don't worry. But it won't be about you getting a job - that is for your benefit. It will be because one of these days he is going to figure out that he belongs with you, and not OW.

Believer I have a question .... Since you think he may try contact before he leaves if by chance he comes by here what do I say or do?

do I ask him if he is still with OW? and if he says yes do I then say when you have broken off contact with her let me know ..... How do I handle it?

That is exactly what you do. You ask him if he is still with OW, and tell him that you love him, but it is too painful for you to talk to him while he is still with her.

My WH came to me several times, and I made the mistake of discussing our relationship, as he said that OW could be/shouldbe/wouldbe gone.

So don't discuss ANYTHING about you and him until she IS gone.

Ok I got ya ..... It will be so hard to not to talk to him.. I really miss him so much. But your right I have to be firm and let him know how much it hurts me.

I have to be strong and not cry in front of him, even saying those simple sentences to him....

We want to talk to the WS, and are so weak and hurt that we will often have hope against hope that they want us.

Don't fall for him engaging you in relationship talk until the OW is out of the picture.

Ok ,I can do that I hope...

I sure hope she is gone before to long.... But until then I will do as you say ....

You have to learn to think of your WH as the enemy. You can't trust him, or listen to him, UNTIL he has proven NC with the OW. I made the mistake of listening to WH, without seeing any actions.

Your right I know .... ACTIONS speak louder than words...

It just really gets to me that he has not even tried to make contact. For someone who contacted me all the time when this all started up until he moved out on Aug18 from the false recovery. I just feel like he really does not care anymore. Falling off the planb wagon 2 times has probably messed me up big time. I really though he would miss me and at least try to make some kind of contact. This is the longest time in 24 yrs we have not spoken or seen each other.

Can the OW really mean that much to him? Can someone he has been involved with for such a short time mean more than everything we have or had?

Hurting -

Now is the time to stay dark. Your Plan B is working even if you are not seeing it. OW is having to meet all of your husbands needs, and that can only be good. My WH did the same thing. He tried to constantly contact me at first, and then I didn't hear anything for 4 months. Then he decided to move back in.

You are in a much better position as you have done a better job at Plan B. My WH thought it was going to be business as usual, and he would just move in and then think about getting rid of OW.

This is the time for you to get stronger, and make a good life without your husband.

IMHO - Don't talk to WH before he leaves. You're in Plan B remember - NC. If he gets a fix before he leaves, you're back a step or two or three. Obviously, he is stil with OW.

Also, IMHO - If you know WH is coming to drop kids off etc, I would be gone or at least move your car so he can't see that you're home. Make him think and wonder where you are, be unavailable, unseen,indifference, DARK. It really makes them think when they think and see that you're getting on with life.

I know you both are right. This is just so frustrating and scary.

I do believe he is coming sometime this weekend to see the kids before he leaves. Not sure when though. I am going have to find out from SIL if he tells her.

At least when he leaves I won't have to worry over him just popping over with no warning.

This planb is really hard. I really miss him so much. I just wished he missed me....

Well I have to go out this morning and do some more job apps..

I am just trying to figure out how planb is going to work with him leaving anyway. I know it will work for me and helping me move on. But for him he will be gone anyway from me and the OW. So as far as I am concerned I don't see how its going to do much as far me not meeting any EN's or as far as OW meeting any EN's....yes she can meet conversation and I guess affection through phone calls. So them not being together will make when he does come home even more fantasy for them after being apart. I can't see how this will ever end then.

I am just venting here I guess, I am so confused how any of this is going to work. I think it will be more of coming to the point I will be the one done long before he is because of how this will play out. Him leaving is not a good thing I finally figured that out, the fantasy can linger for a long time without them being together.

Who cares how it affects him. Plan B is how it helps you. The effects on him are a side benefit.

He needs to know what life w/b like wihtout a caring W to help him through. All this M stuff runs deep. To throw it away is not as easy as the WS and OP would like to believe. You know they have to convince themselves it is doable because even they know it isn't.

L.

ty orchid for saying that. I know it runs deep and for me its hard to throw away.

Naybe for him its easy to do, I just don't know anymore. I do know one thing though no matter what happens I will never have regrets over this. I have done all I can do and tried to save us. he on the other hand will be the one with regrets. I just hope that he can live with himself when that happens.

What regrets he has or will have is his issue. Right now you work on your survival with your family. Bond as a family. Stand as one unit. Thre are strength in numbers. Intertwine and stand against the weapons of the A/WS and OP.

Plan B to the MAX!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

orchid,

the family bonding has happened. It happened from the beginning. he has nothing to do with any of his family as they have all told him how they feel. My MIL and SIL's are my greatest allies in this. One of his sisters is our go between but he knows how she feels about all ofthis. So the contact with her is also minimal.

He has no one but the OW and her friends. But that seems not to bother him at all right now. He has only seen hi own mother maybe 4 times since all of this has happen in July.

In a way we are all planb'ing him. The one and only person who does go out of her way to see him is my DD. And thats fine I would never stop her from seeing him. Our son on the other hand does not see him much and choses not to.

I guess the OW is worth losing all of us for. As far as planb goes I am in this for the long haul. I have fallen a couple of times but no more. It did nothing but throw me backwards into the pain like I felt in the beginning.

I have done all I can to ruin his fantasy from exposing to everyone we know to planA'ing my butt off. But so far he is still convinced and justifying he is right. He has said he was sorry for what he has done but it was a hollow apology.

I am tired of hearing I an scared to try from him. He says if we try and fail then I have lost OW to. So whats a girl to do? I told him when I last had contact with him and he was talking about his fear of trying. So you would rather keep OW because you feel she is a guarentee , as opposed to trying and saving a 24 yr marriage that to me has more guarentee's than a 2 month realtionship? He really had no answer to that question, just looked at me with a blank stare. So now its time for him to see OW is nothing special and that she can't give him what he will be losing.

What a tangled web he has weaved and now he is stuck and can't figure out what to do .... So sad he is so lost and confused. He used to be such a strong man but now all I see is a man who is scared and afraid to take a leap of faith in me and our marriage.

Hurting - What are you doing. You've been on this puter all morning and again the focus is on what WH might be thinking or doing etc. etc. What are YOU doing for YOURSELF?

WH is going continues to babble, babble, babble and show no action. How is it going to help Plan B by him going on the road. Well, he can't contact you at all and has no idea at all what is going on with you unless he gets it from DD or SIL. YOU need to change how you are reacting to this situation and again TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. Show DD, who is in C with WH that you are happy even though you're really not. Practice being happy, it'll come easier.

Yes, you're making some forward steps, but few and far between. From what I can read on here, you're not moving forward other than putting a few job apps out there. Have you checked with the Mental Health Center for some counseling options? Have you checked into volunteering for
an organization you have a passion for. If you don't have a passion right now (and believe me I know it's hard), remember what you used to like to do and find something there.

You like dogs, how about going to your local rescue group or shelter and walking dogs, cleaning kennels etc. There's always a need.


What about job at a local fast food for a few hours. They're always looking for employees. It would be something you could do to keep your mind off of things and network and also earn a couple bucks.

You need to get off of the computer and DO something else and take your mind off of WH. You can only control yourself.

I think those are all wonderful ideas.

Sweetie...just keep it all together. I have faith in you. You have a huge heart...share it with someone that can use it right now. Even if you volunteered somewhere to get out of the house it might lead to a paying job. Just get out of the house and off the computer. Every time you come here and read a post you are brought right back to WS. We both have to stop the focus on them and focus on us just like everyone says on here.

Hurting,

I talked to Steve Harley this morning to bring him up to date on my Plan B.

He told me to throw myself into my kids. Take them to museums, parks, anything to try to divert my attention away from my marriage right now. He said to be as strong as possible.

Remember, Plan B is all about protecting yourself. Obsessing too much about what WH is doing is just going to zap your energy and keep you feeling lost and hopeless.

Take care of yourself please, but try to stay busy!!!

Well I went and did some more job apps. ....

Sure hope one comes through soon.

I have been trying to act happy but its so hard to do when your heart is breaking.

I know I think way to much about this. I know I am trying way to hard to understand something that I have no control over. Its just how I am and have always been.

I have so much anger built up right now and no way to release it without just screaming at someone. I want to give the anger to the person who deserves it. He has not seen any of my anger, I have been very level headed from the beginning. This man has no idea how angry I am. All he has seen is a person who has been passive and doing everything to please him and wanting him back.
I just want to yell at him so bad right now and get it all out. but I know I can't because that would cause more harm than good.

I just want to get away from here and all the memories and start over. I want to forget this whole thing.