Just had a talk with DD and we have decided we have to do some things to get out of the house.

This is just getting to be to much for all of us. So we decided to go to the park and walk the track in the evenings. Will be good for both of us.

got a bunch of jigsaw puzzles also, so maybe we can start doing those.

Gotta keep my mind occupied on something else.

Hi this is Hurtinginokla's daughter. I really just want to thank you for helpingmy mom through all of this... It is really helping herr... But I ahve a question to... How do I confront my dad on what he is doing to our family... I have always been a Daddy's girl and now it dont feel like we are that close anymore...
He really doesnt realize how me and my brothers are taking it and it is really hard.. I am trying to be the brave one for everyone but at times it gets really hard... Also how do i get my mom to get her mind off of all this...
I am nice to the other because if I am not my dad will really blow me off and not have anything to do with me.. My mom tells me that i shouldnt be nice to her... If you could help me out I would really appreciate it.

I'm sorry you're in the position you are hurting's D. I think honesty is the best policy with your father. If you don't feel comfortable around OW, then don't be around her.

IMHO - I don't think your father should put in that position of having to be around her. If your dad "blows you off", then he is the one at fault and should be "blown off" by you. He's the parent. Distance yourself from the father/OW sitiuation. Refuse to discuss his OW or mom relationship issues with you. That is between your mom, him and OW and doesn't involve the chidren even though you're 18.

Bottom line is your father is married to your mother, not the OW and the way this "relationship" started and has been proceeding with your F & OW can't but bring hard feelings.

The adult way to handle issues in a marriage if you aren't happy is NOT to go start another relationship with OW, it's to turn to your spouse and try to work on your problems and when and if all else fails, you then get a divorce and then start a relationship.

As far as helping your mother. Encourage her to volunteer to do something, go for a walk with her, seek outside counseling.

Delurking…

Hurting’s D, I feel like I’m speaking to an earlier version of myself. I was in the same position as you. I was (and in some ways still am) the epitome of a “Daddy’s Girl”. I was so close to my dad that he told me before anyone else that he was leaving my mom and moving in with OW. You’re 21? That’s around the same age I was when my father left my mother and moved in with OW. That lasted for awhile and then there was a false recovery followed by drama drama drama. It’s beyond devastating when your champion and example of all things good falls off his pedestal isn’t it?

You’re in one of many tough positions in the EMA equation. Turn one way and you fear/risk allienateing a parent – turn the other and it’s the same situation with the other parent.

One thing I did eventually come to realize – you can’t change anyone’s behavior. Not your dad’s or your mom’s. There’s nothing you can do or say, pray or scream that will force your dad to realize how his actions are affecting your life. And conversly, you can’t do anything to get your mom’s mind off of this. In this situation you are helpless.

Your mom has to come to terms in her own time, and all you can do is be there to support her during her journey. You may not agree with the decisions she makes and even get angry with her on occasion – but as much as we’d like to, we can’t make someone think or behave in the manner we’d like them to.

Take whichever stand you feel meshes the most with your personal value system and morals. Not your mom’s and not your dad’s – yours. You can still love a person and not approve of the life they’re leading or the decisions they’re making. Furthermore you can still love a person and not particpate in the harm you feel they’re causing to the lives of the other people you love. And finally you can still love a person even if they choose to cut you out of their lives as a punishment for not embracing their decisions.

You have a struggle in front of you. An entirely different one than your parents because regardless of how their marriage pans out – you and your siblings still have to map out an alternate relationship with both your mother and father. Even if they succesfully reconcile you will never look at either parent or their marriage in the same way. As much as people like to believe different – the fact is that your father’s choices in regards to his marriage resonates deeply in his relationship with you and his other children. The two relationships – husband/wife vs parent/child are definitely separate but at the same time still intricately related.

I do not envy you the path you’re walking at this time because I’ve been there and am still trying to come to terms with certain aspects of it. My main purpose in delurking and posting to you is to let you know that you’re not the first and you’re not alone. You will be told time and again both on the ‘net and IRL that your feelings don’t count, that you should just get over it and “stay out of your parent’s marriage”. Your feelings and responses will be negated because of the position you hold in this. Be prepared for that. But don’t buy into it. Just like everyone else in this – your dad, your mom and the OW you are fully entitled to feel how you feel and even to act accordingly. The people who don’t get that just don’t understand. They don’t get it so my advice is don’t waste time struggling with them. Or rather try not to. There are other more important things to focus on.

Well tonite was a revolation. My wonderful DD wanted to post to everyone to try and understand all of this... I appreciate all of you posting to her.

She is so torn as how to react to her dad and how to handle OW. I do understand her fear of him rejecting her if she ignors OW or is rude to her.

Your input is greatly valued.

Good morning all....Still reeling a little bit here from yesterday's encounter with WH. A few comments were made yesterday by WH ... I'm afraid to try and save my M ..I'm afraid things will go back like they were. OW does things for me and makes me feel good, she loves me. and the biggest one of all ..... I guess I have lost my home because of all this...

Well one thing for sure this man is so lost and confused... I see fear as his biggest obsticle in trying to change anything...

Gotta get ready have a job fair thing to go to ....

Remember, babble, babble, babble and my dear - How do you know he said those things? MIL or SIL is my guess. Is that part of Plan B?

Put on a smile and make eye contact. Have as good as time as you can. Assert yourself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well I have some good news. No its not a job yet but I start my IC now next thursday.

Actually I am lloking forward to it. I hope it will help me to become a stronger person.

Job fair went ok. Hopefully something will happen soon.

And yes inanutshell my MIL told me about her convo with WH.

It really didn't bother me all that much ...

That's great.

I thought this was going to get easier by not seeing or talking to WH. But so far its not . I am not obsessing as much but its still on my mind a lot of time.

If I am doing something it just pops in my mind and I forget what I am doing. I sure hope starting counseling is going to help me.

I feel like the one thing that would help me the most is just to tell WH what I ereally think. I have held all of the anger in and never showed it to him. I have told him all the hurt but never the anger.... I just wish I could tell him how pissed off I really am ...

Plan B, plan B, plan B.

I am believer, I am .....

I am just hurting so bad right now and no way to let it out.....

Right this moment I am hating him with every bit of my being ....I don't deserve this and no amount of justifiy will ever lead me to believe I do....

You don't deserve this, but this is what you have. So you must deal with it. Stay dark.

When I finally lost my love for my husband, I let him know EXTACTLY how I felt. I was done with Plan A, and done with Plan B. So I let him have it. YIKES! It felt GREAT!!!!!!!

But you are not there yet.

I know I am not there yet. I do still love him so much.
thats why this hurts so much...

It just makes me so angry because he knows how much I love him and he still won;t try. All I get from him is the same old song and dance of If I had known you loved me this much I would have never left......

You know how many times I have heard that???? Way to many...

I hope the counselor can give me sone anti-d or something because I can't go on like this much longer ....

A counselor can't give you anti-D's. It has to be a doctor. But if you feel like you really need them, then go see your primary doc.

well with no insurance now thanks to WH being an A$$ I can't affrod to go there... Now the counseling center I am going to has a psychatrist there can they prescribe them?

Do you have a Dr you have seen in the past, who you called and ask them to prescribe AD's over the phone for you?

You might also try taking St Johns Wort in the meantime. It is an herbal remedy, you can find it at Wal Mart I am sure. It is supposed to be the all natural form of AD.

Just a thought....

ty womanoffaith I will go to walmart and get that and try it.... its better than nothing I am sure....

HIOK,

Can you please drop me an e-mail? I may have a suggestion for you.

mborchid2@yahoo.com

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid .
You got mail ..... Any help is appreciated