Lady,

WH believes in god but has not gone to church in a long time. So his faith really does not play a big part in his life. To be honest I am sure he has not even thought of his faith in any of this.

Mimi,

I do know they are just like any other day. But Christmas has always been so special for us. My birthday is Christmas eve as well as DD birthday. We always had a wonderful family get together for both of these days and WH always did something special for me on my birthday. It's going to be a very sad day for me.

Maybe he will be home by then but I am not going to count on it. I don't see this ending anytime soon.

Hurting:

I had a long history of battling depression. One of the best strategies for me is to work on my thinking. I've been trying to share this with you.

You said:



IF YOU DECIDE, AS YOU HAVE, THAT CHRISTMAS IS GOING TO BE A BAD DAY, IT DEFINITELY WILL BE A BAD DAY...

However, you can definitely decide ahead of time, TODAY, that IT WILL NOT BE A BAD DAY....

YOU CAN MAKE A CHOICE...

You can come up with some sort of strategy to INSURE that IT WILL NOT BE BAD for you...

DO WHATEVER WORKS TO ENSURE THAT WON'T HAPPEN....

Maybe talk to your therapist about this...about changing your mindset..

This is talked about in a book called FEELING GOOD: THE NEW MOOD THERAPY..She may have heard of this book....

I will talk to my couselor Mimi about some strategies to handle this. I am going to try and make the best of it all.

It will be the first time in 24 yrs though we have not spent the holidays together. So no matter what its going to be on my mind . And I think that would be normal for anyone.

But we all will survive it...

I can understand how you feel. I hope God will especially bless these days for you. I can understand it's a change from the beautiful holidays/B-days that you and your family are used to. Dad died when I was 15 yrs old, holidays were different after that, not bad but different. Then when I moved far away from my DM, and then she passed away, the holidays were not the same. No relatives here but us. What we usually do to make it a little brighter is invite someone that has no where to go for those days. It's good therapy for me and a blessing for them!! God will help you through it Hurting, He will.



Love, Lady

Well its almost 3 months before Christmas come so maybe by then I will be in a better place emotionally and it won't be as bad as I think. Almost 2 months until thanksgiving os the same applies.

A lot can happen in 3 months, I could just not care anymore which is doubtful, or maybe WH could be home by then whcih is doubtful as well. But I do know I will be 3 months further along in healing my soul and my battered heart.

Yes in 3 months I could be looking at a whole new world who knows.....

I hated to hear you say that you already know it will be a sad day and it's three months from now...

It's a new world for you now...

Life as you once lived it is over..

That was a realization that I learned that I had to make...

MY NEW LIFE IS BETTER THAN BEFORE...lots more meaningful and special than making a big deal over certain days...

Just the way I look at things now....

Yes maybe Jesus will come and take us away by then, and we would be looking at Paradise. Wouldn't that be great!!

Love, Lady

Your response is interesting, Lady..

The book I am reading, BOLD LOVE, talks of Christians being assured that Heaven is our Home and that this life is temporary...

I have called myself a Christian since childhood but have not grown to this place in my spiritual journey....

I've been dealing with this concept on a personal level....

I know as much as I want it the life I had before is gone. All the years of happiness, struggles, kids being born is all gone. Gone like smoke in the wind.

The new life I have now is a scary place to be. Its like a long dark country road with many side rods. As I walk this road I see the side roads and wonder which one should I take, or should I take one of them .... I see way off in the distance a light but its oh so far away. Will I ever make it to the light, or will I veer off to a side road because its easier than the long walk? Well one thing for sure I have already taken a few side roads thinking it would be a shortcut to the light, only to find it wasn't. Somedays the light shine bright and some days its so dim I can barely see it....

I have so many choices to make, so many things to fix and its all so overwhelming I'm just not sure anymore.... Its a long narrow path I am on right now and it just seems to go on forever......

HIO - Enjoy your first day on the job. Put a big smile on while you are on your way there. If you smile enough on the outside - you will start smiling on the inside ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mimi, you are such a blessing. You give such good advice. HIO, you are very fortunate to have her coaching you.
Mimi, you are so correct in making a choice to be happy. I give this advice often. I say that you can be a millionaire counting money in your penthouse and be miserable or you can be living under a bridge being very happy and stressfree. It is totally a choice. (easier said than done, but can be learned)

This reminds me of my EXWH (we were married for over 20 yr) and he would always say - you make me so mad. I would tell him that of course I can not MAKE you angry, that is your choice. He would allow me to make him angry.

Mimi, I am not one bit comparing myself to your expertise. I am just saying that I understand what you are telling here.

HIO - Mimi is right in saying Holidays are just another day. They all are. We put waaaay too much empahsis on their importance and then all heck breaks loose because everyone is trying so hard to have the perfect holiday that is on the movies. Just try to think of them as another day, no big deal, in the scheme of things. You will not be alone - we all are in this with you !!!

Smile, smile smile today at work. And, put your feet up when you get home.

Best regards - car

Mimi well said. How you feel is a CHOICE. Nobody can make you feel a certain way. Again, your choice. So CHOOSE for yourself to be happy. Pretend to be happy, that works too. Practice makes perfect. Look at the glass half full instead of half empty and remember how fortunate you really are.

I'm not big on anti-depressants, but possibly they're for you. You seem to have very few good days??? If you'll go back and read your posts, you'll see it. Possibly share your posts with the IC?

I hope for you that work will take your mind off of things and you can at least be at peace there.

Jesus says the narrow path is difficult, but it's the best road.
You are going to get through this Hurting one day at a time.

Love, Lady

One day at a time thats all any of us can do.......

Hurting, I hope you have a great night at work!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love, Lady

I have so much to tell today. First off my IC session was wonderful. It was emotional but my counselor made so much sense. First off we talked about the triangle of myself , WH and OW. She made an anology of it being like a mobile. WH is the bear and once you get the bear moving the giraffe and the elephant start dancing around to get the bears attention. She said now if you pull the giraffe off the mobile you only have the elephant dancing. Now the giraffe is sitting back watching and having peace and quiet.
The elephant will tire herself out dancing for the bear.

Now that the giraffe is out of the loop so to speak , the bear starts to wonder what happen to the giraffe and starts franticely looking for the giraffe. The bear now is unhappy because the giraffe decided not to play anymore and the elephant can't meet all the bears needs. So with more clarity in the bears mind he starts to miss the giraffe and realizes the giraffe is what he wanted all along. Hence Planb ..... Me the wife Giraffee..... Elephant OW....

So anyhow we talked about planb and the counselor said is the best idea and to stick with it. She says its no promise he will come home but it will give him a clearer mind since he does not have both of us dancing for him.... So onward planB.... Also smething else she said was that the reason he didn't have much problem leaving OW to go on the road is because the lust, romantic stage is starting to wear off.. It usually only lasts 3 to 6 months and she figures since he left so easily it must be starting to fade. I hope so ..

We also talked about the SF thing. She feels since he still was coming to me that he is very confused and not sure of who he wants but that since both of us gave in to him, he had no reason to chose. He was cake-eating, which of course I knew. So with planb he will at some point have to make a decsision. So after talking to her it has made me see Planb is something I can do. I felt so good after leaving there today.

I had my first day at work as well. It was ok if you like slinging hamburgers. But its a job and I did just fine. For the next few days gonna be short hours but next week I will be doing the all night hours....

So all in all today was pretty good ....I learned a lot about myself and as my counselor said, you are actually a lot stronger than you think. She has seen just by things I have told her that I have stood up for myself and have now taken back control of me.... I am so glad I decided to go to IC, I think it is something I should have done long time ago....

Hurting, I am so glad your day went so well! Made me smile inside. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And what a great analogy, so true!!

.

Oh I've known that all along too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Love, Lady

Lady,

Thank for the vote of confidence. I guess I was just to blind to see it all clear myself. Guess I had the BS fog going on.....

It really made me feel better after talking to her. I see now I can do this and I will become a stronger mor independant person for it. Like she said yes you will still miss your H and still grief over this but you will get past it and be stronger for what ever happens.

Isn't that amazing that her analogy was so much like the MB principles. I think that is great. Also I remember when Hurting2 posted she mentioned your H giving his the toys away to the grandchildren and his dieing talk. Well I hope everything is dieing inside for him. The family, his toys are gone, and no longer playing/dancing with him. Now he is playing OW like a toy, hopefully soon that toy will be gone. It was a kind of prophesy to himself of what is happening, but he doesn't realize it, yet....

Love, Lady

Oh Lady I do hope your right about that..... It was a very eye opening session today... I felt like I had finally woke up and saw everything for what it is.... She told his confusion was from the fact he had both of us meeting his EN and instead of choosing he just feels good and wants us both. We did not make him have to chose. Well now he is going to have to chose something sooner or later his family or her... Hope he makes the right choice... She did say that he probbly does feel guilt but does not realize what it is yet. Its just something he is not to sure what it means yet.... I guess that makes sense....

.
Yes that does make sense.... Now that you and the family are removed he may realize the guilt more....

I didn't know that affairs tend to wear out after 3-6 months. That is promising for you, and the fact that he decided to go on the road was a promising sign that he is tiring of his one toy that is left.

Hopefully in the end there will be no play toys left to play with... so he will only be looking at himself for a while, and see what a mean bear he has been.

Love, Lady