Starting Again,

Thank you for the link. I will check it out.

Suzet,

I hadn't looked at it that way, about lowering standards.

Thank you all so much for your help. I feel better in that I don't feel alone. I will definitely talk to my H about this more tonight.

Cat

Suzet-

I'm not trying to *rationalize* anyone's behavior, I'm simply explaining that men are visual. I don't personally care for porn as I believe it's degrading.

I just don't think we should jump straight to him being an addict.

I'm positive this can be worked out, and Cat hon, if it's one of your boundaries, then he needs to respect that.

I don't know that you'll ever get *used* to it, I'm just stating that I came to terms with it, and it all but went away.....it wasn't any fun apparently if I wasn't causing a big stink.

I remember one time in particular, my H had been online and apparently visiting a porn site, I must have been asleep, anyway, I get up the next morning and the site he had gone to had deposited all these things on my computer......There was this sexy looking eye icon on my desktop, in my start menu, it had become my home page, it was so assinine that I could help but laugh. I said "Hey H.....so what's this big sexy eye icon on my desktop?!" He was embarrassed (this was b4 pop-up blocker) and said windows just kept popping up after clicking a certain link and he couldn't close them all so he just turned off the computer....LOL.

You guys will be fine, just keep those lines of communication open, and if and when you do find such things approach the conversation in the "I" context....for instance "It makes me uncomfortable when you look at internet port" as opposed to "You're looking at computer porn again, you hurt me everytime this happens"....if you keep it about *you* and how it makes *you* feel and not come across accusatory, you'll get better results.

-Caren

i have some knowledge on sexual addiction-this seems like a very long time to stick to only one acting out behavior especially one that involves no personal contact. I believe the need escalates.

i would not say this is an addiction. seems just like self-stimulation of the mind (and maybe other parts of the bodY)

Yes, and keep in mind his age.............I'll bet that boy is, for lack of a better word, a horndog LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-Caren

lol!

Since we found MB back in January we have been really good about keeping the lines of communication open.

Thanks Caren and eav for keeping an eye on the thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Suzet and Caren - I realize that you have two different views on the subject. I will keep both in mind when talking to my H about this.

Cat

Caren, I hear what you are saying, but IMHO you ARE rationalizing if you think it’s okay for men to look at porn *just* because they are visual creatures. I KNOW men are visual, but the fact that they are visual isn’t an excuse for them to treat their wife’s disrespectfully (by looking at porn, practice ‘mental adultery’ and do other things to reduce women to ‘sex objects’).

Yesterday Cat has posted the following:

” He was looking almost daily, though at some points it was only weekly. He said that he felt obsessive about it, so he picked out an OCD book, but never read it.”

The fact that Cat’s H was looking DAILY (and maybe STILL looking daily) and feel OBSESSIVE about it, tells me he have an addiction problem to porn.

Suzet

A sidenote - I spoke to my H about finding activities that we can do together.

I take time to workout most days. Sometimes he sits in my workout room and watches tv, sometimes he plays on the computer (agreed "independant behaviour time"), sometimes he'll workout with me, though not often.

Last night we went for a one-hour bike ride and had a great time. He said that he would love to bike ride with me more, that we should try to get out every night, weather permitting.

I feel like we're making some progress by spending non-computer time together <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Cat

P.S. Looking back at this thread, I agree that it probably would have been better to post under the Emotional Needs forum. I am, however, glad to have support here.

Cat and Caren, both of you will find this thread (over on the recovery board) very interesting. That thread is also related to porn.

Blessings,
Suzet

Hi Suzet,

Thank you for the link. I noticed the other thread a few days ago, but had forgotten to go back and see it progress.

I have one favour to ask - I was raised Catholic, but am not practising. Can you give me some Bible references (is that what they're called?) so that I can see where it talks about lusting after other women, or anything else relevant to this issue? I have a bible at home from my confirmation, I'll have a look at any references you can provide.

Cat

Cat_A, it would be a pleasure for me to help you, but I’m posting from work, so I don’t have a Bible with me right now. I will make a callout to other members and ask them to respond to this post with scriptures/references.

Take care! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Suzet

Thank you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

http://www.bible.com/

There is a search feature. Maybe that could help out until the more experienced can post.

I have found the following verse from the search feature above (thanks patriot <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />):

Matthew 5:28 – But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

Here are some. Let me know if you have anything specific you want to know....

Matthew 5:27
James 1:15
1st John 2:16

Mortarman,

Your first one is the one I was looking for, thank you. I also appreciate the others. I plan to do some reading over the weekend and wanted to know where to start - you have helped with this.

Cat

Suzet - I missed your post completely before responding to Mortarman... Sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for your help!

Cat

Glad to help. Let me know if you need anything further!!

In His arms.

Patriot,

Thank you for the link. I have the information I was looking for, but if there's something else I would like to know, I will use the search feature.

Cat

Patriot's link is great. Also, www.blueletterbible.com is a good one. It has a search engine also, and will allow you to get different versions of the Bible, as well as the original in Greek or Latin.

Hope it helps.

In His arms.

Cat ~

If you are uncomfortable with it, its a problem for your marriage ~ no matter what "it" is.

If porn is not cheating, than neither is an EA.

Both require that energy that should be spent within the marriage is turned outside the marriage.