It sounds like cake-eating, though I don't mean he's maliciously planning to cake-eat. It's just that he's found a way to get the benefits of being single and having a relationship, and as long as you put up with it, it's working.

I'm getting the feeling it'll take not only you refusing to enable it anymore, but also you being a broken record about repeating why your behavior has changed.

You're right though that there's no guaranteed way to get him to change the way you want him to. But it's certainly healthy to stop rewarding him for behavior that hurts you.

Hey V:


Well - both in a way. Did you desire the kissing and etc. with xbf? They are reasonable EN's for most people in an intimate relationship, therefore you would've been in the right to ask "what's up"?

As for xbf; he must have felt that refraining from kissing and etc. is an emotional need of his, therefore he didn't participate. To me, this is an unreasonable emotional need. (Especially if he desired to "receive, but never give".)

However - reasonable and unreasonable are obviously subjective - as there may be a woman out there who shares that identical need as xbf. (May they find each other!) In that regard, both EN's would be considered "reasonable" for their relationship.

While I consider his EN as unreasonable, and obviously you did as well - I'd say that you two were simply mismatched on that intimacy-point and it's probably good that you're no longer together.

V; it sounds like there was a communication issue about this. Perhaps that fact was another symptom of the mismatch. Did you discuss this issue(s) with xbf at any point? If so, how did it go?

FR

[color:"blue"]Yes I did. At first kissing wasn't a problem. The more intimate things became the less we kissed. And then it started to really bother that he didn't kiss or reciprocate in other things. [/color]


[color:"blue"]I have told him that I really really like kissing. I have thanked him enthusiastically when he kissed me. I told him how much I really liked it when he did other things and how great it was. I asked him if he liked doing oral and he enthusiastically said oh yes. I have never asked why he didn't do it, then. [/color]


[color:"blue"]I don't know that he does this deliberately, but I agree that I will not tolerate what I consider a lack of affection and care. I deserve the best because I am a great person. [/color]


[color:"blue"]He wants me and he is trying - really trying I think very hard. I just need to hold my boundaries and like MOS said - stop rewarding him for bad behavior. [/color]


[color:"blue"]I'm seeing him again with no SF. We have other issues regarding one on one time that hopefully we are solving. I took some steps back to get away from the negative tone the relationship had taken when I really started to depend on him for meeting all my ENs. I don't think that is possible before marriage. [/color]


[color:"blue"]I tried to discuss it in a non-threatening and/or playful manner. I realize now that I have not been speaking "guy speak" and I need to just tell him what I expect or want complete with numbers. I want to be kissed for at least 5 minutes every day 2 times a day. I expect SF at least once a week. I expect that SF will always include 10 minutes of foreplay, and that 1 out of every 3 encounters that foreplay includes oral. How does that sound? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

V.[/color]

[color:"blue"]I think you are right. He has parties where all he buys is a keg of beer. $80. I've spent hundreds for parties. People just line up to bring stuff - booze, food, snacks, you name it. And then the booze is still around after a big party to have a couple more small parties... And he just sits back and enjoys everything without having to put a lot of money (what I think would stop most people from that level of entertaining). So really, his normal "style" is cake eating. [/color]


[color:"blue"]I wonder why I bother. [/color]


[color:"blue"]We'll see. I've left and gone home when I've gotten tired of his friends that don't leave. I don't think he could be who he is - a very social creature, without his friends stopping by. But he needs to set times when they should go home.

V.[/color]

I thought about asking that; why do you?

The purpose of dating is to find a good match, and it sounds like he really isn't a good match for you at all.