Caren:

I use this all the time and it works.

It's called "acting AS IF"..

The mind is POWERFUL..

Make the choice not to be sad.

When you feel sad, make an affirming statements to yourself: "I will not let him do this to me": "I deserve more than this"... DO THIS RELIGIOUSLY.

Do not let the "chatterbox" take control and make negative statements like "I'm going to be sad the rest of my life". Dismiss such self-statements. Disregard them..swat them away...

Tell yourself "I'll make it!" -"I will survive!"

Of course, you will.....

(((caren))))
I know the feeling well. Its like grieving. I had the most wonderful dream the other night. I woke up and I felt happy, loved, desirable, confident and peaceful...no doubts about anything. (I think it was a gift from my angels) I can't wait to feel that way again. There is hope, either way it turns out... we (BS) will find peace and happiness again because we know we have done all that could be done. I wish you peace and a dream like I had, it was wonderful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Caren,

The last chapter of your life has not been written yet. The Lord is in charge. Do you trust Him, no matter where He leads you? That is the issue here...not your WH.

In His arms.

I'm going to be sad for the rest of my life

-Caren

(((( Caren ))))

Please don't feel this way, sweetie. It only seems like it right now. Either way, you will come out much better. You have to -

You Rock Caren !!!!

Car

Dani-


Thank you (((((((((Dani))))))))))

Mimi, you said:


I actually do this to a certain degree, I don't run around being depressed all the time, actually, only the people on here really know I even feel that way, I don't talk to anyone else about it. I can blow off the fact that my H filed for a divorce because there isn't a stinkin' thing I can do about it, so I just try not to think about it. I still laugh, I still have fun....it's the times that I think about it that I have a problem....I dunno, does that even make sense?

tqt-



LOL....care to expound on this one?

Confused-

Thank you, I wish you peace too.

Mortar-



Actually, I do trust the Lord, and that's why I'm leaving it up to him. I have been praying that he will change my husband's heart, and I believe that he is, I am not convinced that my H is going to go through with it. The way he is with me now, is so different, he tells me he loves me, he hangs on for dear life to me at night...I think he's having 2nd thoughts, but he doesn't want to be wrong, and I've stopped fighting him on it, that's what it feels like I'm supposed to be doing. I think he almost wishes I'd fight him on this, he knows what to do with that, as long as I was fighting it, he could justify his decision, now I'm not, and he's unsure what to do. He's been going through the caller ID every night when he comes home and saying "Who is John Smith?...Who is S. Jones...etc" I explain the number's I can....but WHY is he doing that?!......I think he believe's I'm not fighting him because there's someone else, I've never suggested that, but he's acting like there's something going on.

I think he's going to start to panic, because his lawyer has told him once the papers are filed that it will be 8 weeks and then we'll go in front of a judge, and then we'll be divorced. A few weeks ago he was telling me to get out, he wanted me out and the landlord was going to have me removed from the property, now all of the sudden he's saying "There's no rush for you to move out".

In Ohio you also have take a parenting class before you can get divorced, so he has this booklet on it, and he said "We can go to that together can't we? Can I go with you?...It says you can go together or separately, but I don't want to go alone" I said "Hmmm I don't know, are you sure you don't wanna go alone? There are bound to be a lot of desperate women there." (He started laughing and said "That's true").

What do you make of all that???

Carnation....I didn't forget about you, thank you hon, you ROCK too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

-Caren

Hmmm... expound... is that like going on a diet?

Caren, you said "I'm going to be sad for the rest of my life"
I said "wanna bet?"

It's PERFECT in its simplicity! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I meant... you ARE going to be happy again. And you already know that, anyway!

Besides, from what I just read, that guy you're married to KNOWS he has a wonderful, warm, caring, fun, intelligent.... (ok, THAT's enough -- YOU get the picture <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)... wife.

Hang in there Caren!

Caren:

Sounds like much of the same with you. Once again, you feel completely helpless because YOU LET YOURSELF be like this with your WH.

If you want to continue to base your existence and life meaning on staying with your WH, then you will have to accept the roller coaster and ebb and flow of his daily whims. I read the same things day in and day out from you. None of this is a judgement on your character or anything like that, but as you said yourself, you are still "talking the talk" but are not willing to "walk the walk".

For the life of me, I cannot and will not ever be able to see how you rationmalize your WH initiating divorce proceedings now, and at the same time holding you all night and saying I love you and acting like the jealous boyfriend......yeah, I am sure someone can come along and say it is just "fog"......but that would not be true, as the OW is long gone and there does not seem to be any signs of withdrawal. You have some high levels of dysfunction in your relationship, and I fear you would be content as a pig in $hit if it stayed this way, as long as your WH stopped the DV proceedings and remained married to you. You would continue to go along and bring him the morning coffee and side step and navigate the egg shells that set the foundation for your life with him.

You continue to get what you get, because you still are doing the same things. If you are willing to continue to live like this just for him to stay married to you, then by all means, please ignore my post. It was wasted time.

What is your plan?

Sour...

My plan......well I think I have another job....I'm waiting on an e-mail back, and I'm trying to get an apartment, and I'm not fighting this dissolution anymore, if it's meant to be then it's meant to be.

I don't know what else to do, get on with my life, right??

I'm so used to wondering what he'll think about this or that that I still do it out of habit, I don't know how long it will take to break that habit, and UGH....had one of those sleepless nights last night. He had his arm around me, and it was making me nuts, I suddenly didn't want him to touch me, and I rolled away....I thought isn't this a pretty lie I'm living? My husband is putting his arm around me while stabbing me in the back....telling me he loves me when he's twisting it.

I beat the crap out of myself for feeling the way I feel Lemon, it's the furthest thing from logical that I can think of, so the only thing I can do is *act* logically....maybe my heart will catch up with me.

I'm giving him the stupid divorce, I'm moving out, I'm getting a job that I can support myself on, which, by the way, I didn't even inform him of.....he saw the recruiter's e-mail address on my message board and asked what it was, and then I told him, but I didn't make him aware of it before that....it didn't seem like any of his business.

I called and left a message with the paralegal at his lawyer's office to give her some of the info that he didn't know, like my social security #, she's supposed to be calling me back, I'm not even trying to stall.

I'm starting to develop a sense of separateness from him...maybe it's a defense mechanism...I don't know...I think all the counseling screwed me up worse than I was before...at least before I could at least *appear* strong....but they're angle was I should be OK with how I feel, and just feel it, and I should tell people how I feel...etc. Well fat freakin lot of good that does me. It's apparently not okay to still be sad.....I should be mad by now.

What about the love bank theory...shouldn't my freakin' love bank be bone dry by now??? Good God, what will it take to break the damn thing? I can't imagine not feeling love for him.....I really can't....after all the crap he's pulled, I still feel it, if I could make it go away I would.
My love bank is apparently Ft.Knox.

-Caren

So....I called the paralegal again, actually spoke to her, I asked her for a time frame she said that it would take her 4-5 days to write up the papers, and then the attorney would review them, that usually took 2 days, then we could sign them, then they could file, then it would be about 45 days after that.

It's all so depressing.......

-Caren

Okay.....so I can't even bring myself to read or post in the divorcing/divorced forum.

I think I need to find something else to do with my spare time then to come here, it's too depressing.....it depresses me that there are so many new people....it depresses me that people are on the right track and I'm not....then again, I can't talk to my actual friends about this, they are hella sick of hearing about all of this and think I'm a retard for sticking around this long.

My pastor's answer is just go to church, I do that.....I think I have the christian thing nailed.

I am very unsatisfied that this is where we are going......

-Caren

There are many good folks over in teh divorcing forum. many have ben down this road you are traveling inclucing myself. Caren, you will be happy aggain, AS LONG AS you stick to a plan...You have not been in any sort of plan this entire time...and that is what is bringing you down...If you stick to Plan X and GO THRU WITH IT and dont go to PLAN Y, you will heal so much faster...

In the meantime...work on yourself. find NEW friends...I found 4 new friends since March...not to say I do not see my old friends, but my new friends are wonderful.

Go out...you do not need money to just go out with some friends.

STOP focusing on the Divorce and your H...start focusing on YOURSELF. You are so much better than you make yoursefl out to be. Apply for jobs...secrectarial jobs...go to real estate school...go to beauty school. You can do that thru loans.

Do things that will boost your self esteem...I started filling out applications today for substitute teaching. Now the alien is saying I dont need to find a job...that he wil support me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Point being..I am doing this for ME...NO ONE else...I want a job! Even if I make a few $$$$ extra...It is MY job...

DO NOT, I reapeat...DO NOT continue to cater to him...stop stopping by to get him cigarettes and sprites...dont rub his feet...dont cook for him...do not give him SF...do not get him motrin when he has a h/a...do these things for YOU...

Start healing YOURSELF caren...you deserve so much better!

It's hard to heal myself when I have this in my face 24/7...I've started not sleeping again....seems like old times, I hate not being able to sleep. I'm having to force myself to eat again...I find myself too distracted to care that my stomach is growling.

I still haven't heard about the job, I e-mailed Wednesday, and left her a voice mail today....so hopefully I'll hear something.

I still don't know about the apartment either....so everything is all up in the air.

Mark keeps asking me what's wrong, I keep saying nothing....he said "Couldn't you sleep again?" I said "No" He said "Well why??" And he came over and felt to see if I had a fever....I'm like "I don't have a fever..." He said "Does your back and head still hurt?" I said "Yes..." He said "That's stress...I get that all the time." YES I know it's stress....what could I be stressed about?!?! (Didn't say that...just thought it) Then he lays down in bed beside me and says "You'll be okay baby"........I think stress is getting the better of him too as he almost threw up this morning and had to use the restroom several times before he left for work.

I was obsessing last night (While unable to sleep) about being called his EX wife or calling him my EX husband...I don't even call him my STBX like everyone else on here does when this is going on.

I waffle back and forth whether or not to tell him "WHAT'S WRONG" since he asks me 4000 times a day....sometimes I think..."What do I have to lose by telling him? He's already divorcing me" Then I think "No, I'm not telling him how I feel anymore.....".

Just shoot me.

-Caren

At 12:30 PM while we were both at work his lawyer's office called and left a message, it was the paralegal and she said "Mark I don't know if we discussed this when you were in the office, but you and your wife are currently living together, and you have to be living apart at least 30 days before your court date, after I file the papers you will have approximately 45 days until your court date....blah blah blah.

So, it get's filed sometime in the beginning of next week....but I don't have anyplace else to live right this second....so it looks like I'm postponing it without even trying to.

-Caren

*sigh* I can't stop myself from focusing on the divorce...I find it quite consuming, I wish I didn't....I find I don't think about it so much when I'm at work (Unless some sappy love song comes on)...so I practically run there everyday, and then I don't wanna leave.

I get myself locked into a pattern and have trouble breaking out of it...I try to think about other things....i.e. when I'm trying to sleep, my mind is going 100 mph....mostly about the divorce, but also about what the heck I'm gonna do all alone......about getting the new job, about getting an apartment...etc, etc, and I can't STOP myself long enough to freakin' sleep. I used to do this when we were separated, I would lay awake in bed and obsess about the A....I couldn't stop, I'd try really hard, and would think about something else for a minute, but my thoughts race back to the subject in minutes. I wish I could stop it. I've tried taking tylenol PM...no luck, I've tried taking a hot shower.....nothing works, I just can't sleep, and the more nights I go without sleep the worse it gets...*UGH*.

Maybe I should just get drunk, maybe then I'll just pass out.

-Caren

Caren following your sit has been like watching a train crash in slow motion - I'm sorry you're here.

{{{Caren}}}

Yeah, being in my sitch is sorta like being in a train crash in slow motion....good analogy.

I think about the reason he wants a divorce, he's never said it in so many words, but I think he believe's it's beyond repair, that what he's done can't be undone. It can, but I don't know how to convince him of that.

I don't know what the heck I'm doing....why am I giving him a dissolution, when that's the last thing in the world I want??????

-Caren

Caren, I am useless at this BUT I think your H wants the divorce in part as a GESTURE of wiping the slate clean. He wants to leave his guilt, your old behaviour, everything behind. Hence his talk of maintaining a relationship afterwards

I see D bandied about as a gesture a LOT. It can punish or scare OR it can act as a disinfectant by drawing a lid over uncomfortable stuff that you don;t want to deal with.

Sure, theres other reasons I am sure, but i think he wants a gesture of burying stuff he doesn't want to face.

And no plan A can affect a D request for that reason.

But whatever the reason, it obviously hurst like a female dog. Sorry, girl. very. You worked hard at this.

I think so too Bob.....and it's hard, because I don't want a divorce. I mean he mentions over and over that his Mom divorced and remarried the same guy......like that's what he wants, to divorce me, date me...remarry me. I feel like saying "WTF are you talking about?!?!?! Are you insane? I don't want to do that?!?!" But.....I also don't want to lose him, I really, really don't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It's occurred to me that he thinks it would be wiping the slate clean......that we could start fresh. I don't think it even occurs to him that he could lose me in all this.......it does occur to me.

It scares the living [censored] out of me.

-Caren

Caren, I've been thinking a lot lately about PRIDE, and how, "in the wrong hands," it may at the top of the list of those things that make *Recovery* impossible, or at least much more difficult.

Your H seems to fit the bill, at least from my vantage point.

I'm interested in your thoughts about that.... ?

tqt, I don;t think it is pride that charactrises Caren's WH's behaviour, but SHAME. A paralysing shame that prevents him from working THROUGH his culpability and rather wants to bury it and start afresh.

I think HE thinks if he and Caren got together after a D, he would not have to account for any of his behaviours in THIS m.

Dreaming 'cos caren's GONE if they D and he won't look right at that fact.

What U think ?