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being a BS myself I really do have to wonder what your H will feel like in 6 months. I HOPE its positive.
Surely you must realise that even asking him was a very disrespectful thing to do?? if not then do you realise that now?

You see, with all your words, with all your promises and guarantees you give, well frankly they are not work a pinch of salt, UNTIL you back them up with actual actions.
Its what your H wants to see, maybe way he took such a risk on contact.

YOU arrange for a MC, you run around & find the best one in the area, you bring up & dsicuss with your H if the MC you want is suitable etc etc. Put your head down and butt up and WORK at it right now.
Account for time with your H, dont wait to be asked, volunteer it. Know it may be expected for a long long time.

HAve you put back your M recovery & your H's recovery??? Maybe, maybe not....you certainly risked it though.

Right now you may not clearly see that, despite what you may think, no one wants you to find out the hard way you have done this to your recovery, not at all.

But if they see someone hiding from themselves and the sit they will most likely call you on it. And they did.
COuld they be wrong? Of course, but remember this, they have been doing this for some time, dealt with more A's than you've probably had hot dinners AND are usually pretty close to the truth.

Just have a good think about this and look at it from your H point of view.... if he had a lover how would you feel about him conacting her one last time???

First, for Melody...thank you for caring enough to post on my thread...I too am Southern(GA Peach through and through)so your no nonsense attitude is one I recognize and appreciate...I really am committed to recovery, and it's true that my "backslide" was a huge risk. Perhaps all of my rationale was crap...I AM trying or I would not be on this website posting and trying to make sense of my very mixed up present world view. Obviously, on some level I did understand that what I did wasn't right or I wouldn't have posted it here and basically asked for it from all of you...please pray for me to be able to see the forest inspite of the trees...

To Low Orbit...Thank you for making me feel not so alone in my situation...it has always been a source of comfort for me to have others acknowledge the validity of my feelings...not because they are right, but simply because they exist...My H and I were just talking about my finding an IC...I believe that it is important for me to be able to vent my feelings regarding the OM and my "fantasy world" to someone besides my H...I know that that is not fair to him or condusive to our recovery as a couple...you are right, I don't ever want to turn my life or anyone else's this upside down again...this is indeed one of the most painful and confusing experiences of my life...What did you and your IC determine to be the cause of your living through daydreams?

WWW, I don't doubt for a minute that you are very committed to recovery. Folks wouldn't be here wasting their time if we didn't think so. So, please don't think we don't know you are trying and give you great credit for that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> We really are here to support you.

Perhaps I should give you guys a bit of background here...My H and I dated for 5 years before we got married and in that time he cheated countless times...sometimes I retaliated...he was NEVER bothered by this, which drove me nuts. I always wanted him to feel as broken and jealous and hurt as I did(and still do when I think about those situations-I can go back and feel all the same feelings that I did at the time of discovery...so I do have a tiny bit of perspective here)...that sounds terrible, but it's honest. I am not saying that I had my A intentionally or in retaliation-I already knew that that solved nothing...with all my heart I did not plan on it at all, in fact, the month prior I had been visiting my hometown and the OM wanted to get together(before he was the OM) and I said, "No, that would be disrespectful to my marriage"...I had always believed (and still do) that marital vows are not a promise never to be tempted but rather a promise not to put yourself in temptation's way...when I came back from my trip back home so many negative things happened in our marriage and my depression became even worse (I was and am still on anti depressant meds)-Please understand that I am not trying to justify my A here, I'm just stating what led up to it...by the way, in our recovery it has come out that my H had shown interest in an employee of ours(we own two businesses together) while I was back home one time, luckily she didn't pursue him...ours was a relationship that was "ripe" for an affair from both sides...so sad, but true. I had told OM that I would see him the following month(our DD's spring break) when my best friend would be there along with some other mutual friends--a reunion of sorts...I wish so badly that I had stuck to my guns on this, sadly, I did not, and the rest as they say is history...I am not seeking absolution here, I just wanted to let you guys know a little more about the sitch, for whatever it's worth???

WWW,

Well, you sure have been getting and earful (or is that eyeful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) from everyone and you know they are right, but here is something else you need to really consider and here is where I see a real flaw in your thinking.

You said
While what he and you did during your dating phases were not nice, they were not breaking any vows. I fear you stil think you are going steady with your H and NOT married to him. Has he cheated on you since you two married? I don't think so. Why don't you ask him how he could cheat on you before you were married but not afterwards.

His cheating before was very likely the normal exploration of "what if?" as most do, and apparently you did. But when you marry there is NO "what if..." Lemonman asked a very good question early on. What would have happened if OM had been a sweet as honey on a warm morning? What will happen when you two come in contact again and he is NOT a jerk?

What does ANY of this have to do with your marriage? We had a long discuss on this board about the issues of power in a marriage. You have had and have the power to easy your H's pain, by making the right decisions, by focusing on the marriage and his fears and anxieties. He has the same power s that you have, but the difference is he has used his to prolong the marriage.

You don't realize this but it is your job to protect HIM and this marriage. There are NO whatif's, maybe's, perhap's, nothing. THat is what you vowed to do and you say you are looking for closure.

WWW closure was supposed to have happened when you said your vows. There is no "closure" now, just pain, lack of trust, lack of love, lack of respect, and lack of comfort. Your choice was to risk your marriage again as has been pointed out, but what you promised to do was protect your marriage.

My point in all of this, is that somehow in your mind you mixing up "going steady" with being married. They are not the same, and from what you have said of your H's actions before and after the marriage he "gets it". From your actions I would say you have not "gotten it" yet. But, perhaps it is time.

I am happy that you are happy that it is over and you can focus on your marriage. I am very disappointed that you have yet to understand what a marriage truely is. You and your H need to really talk about this.

God Bless,

JL

if your story is true and you are committed to recovery w/your husband, then why are you here jabber jawing away to a bunch of strangers about why you emailed om. why would you care what others think unless you were trying to find a specific person to tell your side of the story to.......that other person could care less about you or your details

first you said your h was an atty and then you own two businesses together.......acting as if you don't know what i am talking about????? how convenient that all your details match a story i've heard before only everything points finger at the om not yourself..... fool me once, shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

telling your "sitch" here and the details might fool some, but not me.

only the truth will set you free.....give it up.....he used you because you consented......you used each other. affairs are cruel and the people who have them are missing some screws in their brain. you can be transformed if you repent and commit to rebuilding your marriage. the om was not reality, you will never find reality until you quit day dreaming.

life is not a soap opera.......life is hard, many trials, have you committed to pass the test and run the race? move on lady.

From Pem's post...

i am starting to think that your OM was a jerk because he was a recovering WS who just wants you to but out and you continue contacting him and interferring in HIS genuine recovery...

And Pem is right too - we don't really care WHY you contacted OM. Just that it wasn't the right thing to do. That's the point everyone keeps making- that it doesn't matter WHY you contacted him, that contacting him was downright stupid - even for your H who claims he was okay with it.

Pep-

Sorry I somehow missed this post from you...I was not avoiding answering your questions...I kinda thought they were rhetorical, but here goes...

The reason that the OM and I had NC for the 13 years that we did was that he got married and knew that his attraction to me was so strong that if he kept in contact with me he wouldn't be faithful to his wife(his words not mine--he had cheated on her with me before...I had no knowledge of her at the time)...Btw, he asked for an exclusive commitment from me prior to his marriage and I said no...he got married at age 25 and I was no where close to ready at that time...anyway, his divorce was final in Oct. 2004 and so he, knowing that I was married, decided to contact me...doesn't show much respect for my situation does it? While we were in contact, before the A, he asked me why I wasn't myself, which led to my telling him about my depression and even my plan (yes, I had a plan in place) of suicide...he began telling me how different things would have been had he have been my husband, how great I was, beautiful, smart, etc...All the things that a depressed person wants to hear...I feel like he took advantage of me at my most vunerable-I still understand that I am responsible for my involvement in the affair-it doesn't excuse my actions but might explain them a little...if a friend had confided in me about such desperate things, I would not have tried to have sex with them, you can believe that or not...To be honest, I really don't care about him and "his recovery"...I have since learned from contact with a FEMALE friend from high school how miserable he made her life back then because she was overweight...he made fun of her daily and made her life a living hell...btw, this female friend has no knowledge of the A, the only reason he was even brought up was that she asked me who all I had seen from the "old days"...he was one of many on my list, and he(and his best friend) were the only ones that she even commented about...we have been out of high school for 18 years, and yet she still remembers the pain he inflicted on her...I never knew what a mean person that the OM could be...even when he and I would break up back then we remained friends...he brought me all my assignments when my dad had a heart attack, when I "ran away" to go on Spring Break in our senior year, it was him that made me call my parents and insisted that my girlfriend and I stay with he and his friends...I had developed quite a "hero complex" about him...he was always "there" for me...Pep, if none of this makes any sense I'm sorry, I could go on and on about our history and many other things that he took advantage of during our A, but I don't know what that would solve or answer...suffice it to say that though it may seem callous to you, I really don't give a rat's butt about his feelings or lack there of...bitter? YOU BET!!!

Bitterness keeps feelings for him alive.... you already know this, yes?

Work toward feeling indifference ... it's healthier and safer for you.

2334pem-

I have absolutely NO idea who you think I am...I'm sure many of the stories on here match my own...but just so you know...my H and I met in Atlanta in 1992...he was in school at xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, he was originally from Michigan...He returned to MI after getting that degree and worked at a law firm...In 1996, I moved to MI to be with him and open our first store together-which opened in Feb. of 1997(I won't tell you what kind as it is quite specific and I would like to maintain some form of anonomity here)I will say that it was a business that I had been in since I was 21 and had much knowledge in...My husband, like his father before him, (and many others that I know) went to law school not with the intention of practicing law forever but of owning businesses...a law degree is quite helpful in that arena...in 1997 we were married and then in 2000 we opened our second location...my husband quit working at a law firm before we opened our first store and does some legal work on the side now...his office was originally at our flagship location and he moved it to our newest location when it opened. We have a DD who is 5 and I became a SAHM when she was born in Nov. of 1999-making me the silent partner in our stores...I hope this clears things up for you...not that it's really any of your business, all of this is really superfluous, however your posts are bizarre and I just wanted you to get a clue, so WHATEVER!!! I have absolutely no reason to lie about my life on this website...who would?

less than 20 days ago you posted about how your husband was showing sides of him that was unattractive and needy and now youre posting that your husband laughed about it on dday and is totally fine???? lots of loop holes to your story honey.

JL-

Thanks for your concern...I do know that marriage is so very different from our "courtship", that's why I said I have a TINY bit of perspective...what I have done is SOOOOOO...much worse for many reasons...my vow to my H, my vow to God, lack of regard for our daughter, and the list goes on and on...Please keep us in your prayers as we begin to climb this gigantic mountain...

pem2334-

I do believe that there are many emotions and stages of dealing with what we are dealing with, wouldn't you agree?...keep in mind that when I posted what you are referring to I still had OM built up as so very masculine and courageous...what a joke...I have moved past that...what did your very beginning posts look like? Didn't your emotions run the gamut??? Much like it is with a mourning process, my H and I have good days and bad days...clearly we aren't perfect or we wouldn't be where we are today...I went back and read some of your older posts as well, and you proclaim to be a Christian...I am too...IMHO, the cornerstone of Christianty is non-judgement, lighten up on me here...I am not someone you know...my husband and I know no one in Toledo...though there is a running joke in our house when something goes missing..."Have you seen my shoes?" and the reply is always, "I think they are in Toledo!" Also, because we have traveled back and forth to Atlanta so often, we also always ask, "Have you ever been to Wapakoneta?"...so we joke about your state (all in good fun), but we do not know anyone there. I don't understand what connection you are trying to make with me...in reading some of your other stuff (trying to figure out what was going on with your posts to me), I came across something about a friend of yours and bipolar disorder...have you perhaps jumped to a conclusion because I said that my dad is bipolar? I truly am thrown by your posts and would love an explanation???

LawOrbit and other WS: how long did it take before I didn't want to "check in" with the OW for "closure" ?

Dr. Harvey's path is a narrow one. He points this out very clearly in his writings. You have wandered, wondering, from the path and want the everyone/someone here to back you up. Perhaps you'd have more luck on the divorced/divorcing board. You have spent two days here now asking us to accept your personal path as an O.K. one. Or, merely a little diversion. However, you find yourself now lost in the trees, unable to accept the criticism of others and wondering why we won't give you the OK. Because the Pro's know you are treading in dangerous territory. They strongly believe in the MB plan (I merely have hope). Not belief as some strict religious doctrine but rather as the best known path to marital enlightenment and reconciliation. They care that you're straying from the path may influence others to stray --to set their own rules. They have seen this before and know it's a bad idea (false recoveries, etc) You set your own rules before and you see where it got you -- an affair you now regret. Please, just come back to the path and stop being adamant there's "more than one way to skin a cat" because though there may be - how many cats have you personally skinned - besides your husband (sorry I just had to throw that in - my own personal bitterness).

It sounds as though you were lucky this time. You got what you needed/wanted without seemingly offending your husband. You may not be so lucky next time you take it upon yourself to set your own rules. Also, your husband shouldn't be consenting to this straying from the path and he is just as lucky as you the OM didn't respond in some other, more offensive to him or inappropriate way. You both dodged a bullet.

The energy you are expending here and on the OM is misplaced (but here I sit doing it too - It's very addictive -- I need to take my own advice). What can you do today to make your marriage better? Move forward. Get IC/MC, don't just talk about it. You've been here long enough so it seems to have already been in counseling. Address the underlying problems in your marriage as if you are truly in recovery and done with withdrawal. If your husband is here, do you think he really enjoys you discussing on-line your newest contact with OM for nearly 2 entire days. Please, get back to your marriage and be/become the wife you always expected and wanted to be.

It's just my newby opinion, no offense meant. Listen, listen, listen to the Pro's (and your husband) and move forward.

Hi Act...

Thanks for your post...my husband and I talked about Dr. Harley's path being a narrow one this morning...I know that we got lucky here...I'm not going to stray again...PROMISE...I just finished deleting some stuff on my PC about the OM that I had totally forgotten about, it feels good to be free of those demons...

About my use of this site...I am very lonely in the place that we currently live(up North, I'm from down South)...my H is at work right now and my daughter is at camp...and you are right, it is addictive PLUS it is definitely one of the healthiest sites that I could be visiting at a time like this...you are right though, THANKS!

FYI

None of us are "pros" ... just geezers

WWW,

I think you missed my point, although I do wish you every success in your recovery. What I am saying is that your job was to seek closure by protecting your H. Your OM could not provide closure because you marriage was supposed to have done that with him and any other male on the planet.

You feel you can back away from OM because he was a jerk. I feel that is deluding yourself and really offers little protection to your H. What happens when you become close with another male say at work or school volunteer stuff and he is NOT a jerk??? That is what should concern you and I am sure concerns your H. Only you have the power to protect your H from these concerns, but it takes the realization that your rationalization for contacting OM one more time was actually harmful to your marriage, even if you feel you got "closure". Your H now has a deeper concern in his soul than he had before you called, because after all what you say is not to be trusted, and your actions spoke of a "deep" need to contact OM. As Lemonman said, "get your fix".

This is why everyone is concerned. Hopefully we are concerned about nothing and you will move on but we fear a blindspot in your thinking that will leave you vulnerable and it would be shame to go through all of this and not fully illuminate things so that there are no blindspots.

I hope you understand what I am driving at as are others. They, as do I, want to see you stronger, better able to protect yourself and your H, as well as your family. But, we see wisps of fog, and the potential of a big blindspot.

Take another look at what is postes and see if you agree.

God Bless,

JL

WWW,

Here's a couple of comments from two of your posts.


All right, then please be so kind to explain the following:


Doesn't sound like a 'self assured man', does it? The truth is that many men, BH especially, put on a great poker face but deep down inside, many of them are seething with resentment and bitterness towards their FWW. Don't beleive me? Go ahead and ask Dorry about how things started out great with her BH [Sprint] after she ended her affair but a few months down the road, he emotionally distanced himself from her and eventually had an affair of his own. Will this happen to your H, nobody knows but what is very typical is that at approximately 6-8 months after the end of the affair and the recommitment of the WS to the marriage, MANY BS start to emotionally distance themselves from their FWS. I tell you this to warn you so that you do not falsely beleive that the storm has come and gone.

The point is to make you THINK that you are lucky [with emphasis on the word 'lucky'] to have a man who loves you so much that he is willing to forgive you for your betrayal and willing to work to rebuild the marriage. BUT like any person who has gambled in his/her life, he/she will tell you that there is such a thing as pressing your luck. You got lucky AGAIN in that your H was willing to go along with you contacting the OM one last time, but the next time you may not be so lucky. Care to press you luck? again?


TMCM

Exactly - Sprint and I went through 4 months of GREAT recovery...then things went downhill. Now 8 months post d-day we are FINALLY in real recovery. And one of the main things that helped us - was I never put him through anything after D-day except the truth. I never stringed him along, I never had contact with OM, I never lied again - I did no harm...and when my H came back last month it was one of the biggest reasons, is he saw my true commitment to HIM. As he had always felt second, and realized all my actions showed I was finally putting him first.

If your H ends up being like mine...will he look back and realize the same thing from you - that after NOT putting him first, you started putting him first? Cause at this point you aren't putting him first - you are still putting yourself and OM first.