WANT,

She promised to love you, protect you, and foresake all others didn't she??? Well she sure broke that promise. That is why no one here has a problem with you gathering information on a woman that is a liar.

You are playing games here and it is time to stop. You don't have to reveal your sources but if confronted you should look her in the eye and "You are darned right I did and I will do anything to protect MY family. You have a problem with that too bad. I made promises when we married and I intend to keep them. Stop the lying, stop the A, start working on the marriage and I won't have to spy because you won't have anything to hide from and you won't hide anything from me."

End of discussion.

You don't have to be mean, but you have to be sure and confident in your purpose here. You are fighting for the marriage and she needs to know it.

Also frankly you need to expose the A to family and OM's W. Copy the emails and send them to her. She needs to know what is going on. Also make a copy of them, and store them away somewhere so she cannot delete them.

You have a long ways to go, and clearly she is willing to lie to you about all of this, but also there is a part of her that wants you. You can have it both ways in the sense that you can tell her you know the A continues and it is decision time, and you can be loving to her at the same time. The trick is that you must be firm, and consistent in your stand for the marriage.

Must go.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

I wanted to add my thoughts to the idea that she would never fly out there to be with him...the advice you've been given is RIGHT on the money...do NOT underestimate the power of this addiction!!!

My story in a nutshell...wife began an online EA with someone both of us knew from playing online games. It escalated from talking in game to talking via IM's, then phone calls and emails. It went on for somewhere between 1 and 2 months...I did the same as you and 'hacked' her chat sessions, got my proof, and I confronted her with the IM's.

Prior to my "proof", we'd discussed the family taking a short trip to another state to an event that my whole family enjoys...and she'd talked with me about meeting OM there (remember I didn't know for sure at this point if something was going on). He was going to be at the same campground as us!!! Additionally, the weekend before D-Day when I knew there was something wrong, she'd talked to me about taking some time away from the family to 'sort things out'...when she was really planning on meeting OM for the first time in person!!

When I confronted her, he bought her plane tickets and she packed up to go live with him...although they had NEVER met in person at all!!!

The bottom line is this...the physical distance between them does NOT reduce the danger to your marriage!!!

Personally, I'm not sure why you want to wait to let your wife know that you know contact is ongoing...you need to get the ball rolling NOW to get an end to it. You SHOULD have exposed during your MC session...it would have been much better to have done so in an environment where you've got a nuetral third party there to keep her from lying and to keep the conversation from becoming an all out blowout.

Don't wait to expose, don't reveal your sources, and don't let her deny all of this. It's time to insist on a NC letter being sent, and exposure to anyone that could put pressure on both of them to end the EA.

Well, things are getting closer to critical mass.

I found the secret cell phone several days ago, and got her and his numbers off of it, then put it back. Neither one of them suspect.

I have been playing games with her phone to make her believe that someone from his locality has been trying to reach her. Also dialed our home phone and matched the calls.

Their paranoia is at high-level right now, but they suspect his wife, not me.

I'm going to expose on Sunday, if I can get the kids out of the house for a couple of hours.

I have very low hopes for a positive outcome, short-term or long-term. I believe based on what I've read the past several weeks, that she has just been soothing me over because the time and circumstances are just not right at this moment for them to make their move to "be together forever".

The icing was today, when I intercepted email from her to him discussing the freaky phone calls, and my wife stated that she doesn't so much care that anyone knows or not, but that it's just that the timing sucks. Which means to me that they just weren't ready to be discovered yet because other "situations" and "house-cleaning" needed to be taken care of first.

But it needs to be resolved now, whether it is to expose her and put and end to their relationship, or to end our marriage. I can't take it anymore. Either outcome will be better than the anguish I am in right now.

Want...good...expose. And I believe that your assessment that

"it needs to be resolved now, whether it is to expose her and put and end to their relationship, or to end our marriage. I can't take it anymore. Either outcome will be better than the anguish I am in right now. "

is dead on. Why put yourself through that.

And as we have said many times here you're in for a $hit storm. Batten down the hatches, be ready for the anger, her resentment, all of it.

See there's many reasons that they're hiding it still....cause if they really felt it was so perfect then why hide it?? You feelings of hopelessness and despair are normal that's why you come here for support. Follow the script and in teh end you'll be much better for it, with or without your wife.

Godo luck and keep us posted.

I suppose that many may hide it out of fear, shame, guilt, etc. But I'm beginning to suspect that in my situation the hiding is simply to buy time...keep me quiet, placated, give me affection and sex just so she can plan, wait and prepare for "their" time.

That's what hurts the most. If that is the truth, it won't only be the hurt of our broken marriage but it will be even more so the hurt over being used and decieved, almost in an evil way. I don't think I consider an affair that leads to a broken marriage "evil" per se -- hurtful and bad, yes. But if this is what she is really doing to me...then I have to call it evil, and that's what kills me. That she would go that low.

Hello,

I am so sorry for you. Based on what you have now found out I would strong recommend that you contact an attorney immediately to protect yourself and children. Clearly they are planning to be together and you must protect yourself legally and financially. She continues to have sex with you keeping you off guard so she can run away with the OM is so pathetic and so insulting to you and your marriage. Please protect yourself now. I wish you luck.

I second Bryan's point. Protect yourself...quickly without any fanfare. In fact I know it's killing you but I would almost consult an attorney and then expose. That way in th e"heat" of exposure there's little that can be lost.

Do you hav ecopies of all e-mails? Cell phone records? In a secret spot?? You may need this....

Whoah...slow down, please.

I understand the reaction the reactions to what I said about her "keeping me off guard" and decieving me. I also read some other posts regarding that I should not underestimate the possibility of her running off.

As much as I am shocked to learn of her ability to stoop so low as to lead me on until the time is right, I do know this:

1) She is hoping he will leave his wife and move here when he is healed (which is AT LEAST a year from now).

2) She will NOT move there (2,000 miles away in the middle of nowhere). Her entire family and all of her close friends are here in this township, and I couldn't even get her to look even 5 miles away the two times we bought houses together. She may be dreaming of it, and may even be considering it someday, but at the very least not until the kids are grown. And I doubt even then -- she has been here her entire life, this is all she knows, and couldn't stand being away from her family.

3) She is a lioness when it comes to her children, and would not leave them, or take them away from here, their schools, their friends, their grandparents, family, and even as bad as things may get between us, she would not take them away from me. And I could be wrong, but I'm almost positive that I read in state law that she cannot do that anyway.

4) Maybe I overstated the "evil" when I wrote that. Yes, that's the way I feel, because she is leading me on. But I believe it is because she doesn't want to "make any waves" yet, because of the same reasons I was worried about in the begginning of this thread. If I expose this week, the chances of still going to Micky Mouse end of August are slim to null. When I confronted her on D-Day, one of the first things she said was, "we are still taking these girls to Disney, no MATTER WHAT! I will not let us ruin it for them." That's one of the reasons I didn't expose to other people, that and I kept hope that she would stop, or it would die on it's own. It's become obvious now that it will not.

I have read enough of their emails to know that they have not actually made any plans together. They have hinted at "being together someday", and other nebulous ideas, but I have never read anything that has even come close to "when I'm finished treatment in 2006, I am going to leave my wife and come get you", or anything that approaches an actual plan. The reality is that right now, the guy is a mess. He is getting chemo shots once a week for the next year, which completly trips him up for days, is on anti-psychotic and anti-depressents to control the side effects, is working part time, has serious health insurance issues, and even after treatment finishes next year, he will have about another year of rehab.

My wife know there are plenty of red flags about him (but she chalks up his erratic behavior in his emails to just "the meds" causing it.) That is how loopy she is over him.

But again, I could be wrong. Frankly regarding "protecting myself", there isn't a whole lot to protect. If we divorce, or even seperate (one of us move out), the house will have to be put on the market, no ifs and or buts. Neither one of us can afford it. During one of our more civil conversations, we discussed how we would approach divorce if it ever came to it, and we are both of the same mind set that we should make it as easy on the children and ourselves as possible. Sell the house, pay off debts, split what's left and go our seperate ways. Neither one of us wants a lawyer to make money off our misery and bad misfortune.
The only negotiating point that might get sticky is child visitation times and child support. I'll do everything I can to protect and provide for them, but I'll be damned if I'll let my child support checks be used to support her concert habits. And if we do divorce, I'm not so sure I will want to stay in this immediate area, so visitation might be a pain in the [censored], but we'll see....

Everyone is giving you good advice, but I’m a little bit of a newbie so take mine with a grain of salt. Whatever you do be kind and sincere when talking to your wife, I would suggest telling her not only is honesty the most important part of a marriage, It’s the bedrock where without it all else breaks down. I for one have wanted to rush back and trust my wife, but have learned that trust is not honesty, it must be earned and when someone breaks your trust they must earn it back. My WS has agreed that she will not lie to me, but I’m working on convincing her that omissions are also lies.

Good Luck,

Remember if you’re truly in love treat her as you would want to be treated.

I'm confused as to why you don't simply expose it and get it over with. You are going to have to sooner or later. Wouldn't today be just as good as tomorrow or the day after?

The result is going to be the same--she is going to get mad at you for puncturing her fantasy world.

I came very close to doing it the past 2 days.

But Saturday we have plans, and I guess in my mind, I'm viewing it as the possibility that it will be our last time together, and want to enjoy it. It may be hard to believe that I can enjoy myself knowing what I know, hurting how I hurt, but I have, and I plan to on Sat. Have a good time, maybe get drunk, maybe have sex with her for the last time, and I will enjoy it.

But Sunday is going to to be hell day. Hangover or no hangover.