Thanks StillHere. It's support from people like you that make this fight even possible.

My WW actually works in the HR department for a large company and the OM is a manager. Sounds like a code of conduct issue to me.

I will keep it up.

StillHere, I think you are absolutely right about wanting to know so she can hide it better. It's very hard dealing with all the lies. I wonder if I will ever be able to trust her again?

I will try and drive by her work to follow the OM home to see where he lives. That might be my only option right now. I just have to hold back from knocking his block off.

I have quite a bit of hope for your marriage.

Your wife's comment about what if she quits, and the marriage doesn't work out shows that she is thinking somewhat rationally. I would press for her quitting the job. That will have to happen anyway.

Let her know that you intend to continue fighting for your family. She can always get another job.

Ugh, that makes it sticky...

Read this article.

http://www.courttv.com/news/2005/0719/sexsuits_ap.html

Perhaps it's time to go higher up then...

Following them is not a bad idea. A very real scenario is trying to "confront" the situation. Take along a calming friend or relative that can talk you down from doing anything other than writing down and address... Or perhaps you can ask a friend to follow them...she won't recognize their car...

Believer, I won't stop fighting, I only wish she could see and notice how much she is loved and what she would loose if it goes bad. That's why they call it the fog iI guess.

Since I have just started Plan A, should I stop all R talk unless she initiates (which she never does) and just try to minimize my LB's and max her EN's? Should I become more aloof? Remember I heard her say to her friend that she feels trapped, smothered and that I am clingy and needy. Maybe I should back off for a while and see what happens? What do you think?

YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEE SKIPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Those interactions were awesome....

not too much info

leave her questioning...

the fact that she expects anger ...blame and the ability to turn this into "you are controlling me" don't give her any of that.......

be happy be upbeat..
be happy to see her....
smile at her
make eye contact....

fill the home with energy and laughter..
bring home bubbles for the kids to play with and create a party with them...and invite her to join in....

don't powerstruggle....

I don't think you should go for a big confrontation...that's just drama and deflects from the pain....

stuff like that bonds the OP to the WS....they can sit around and lament your actions and behavior...totally disregarding theirs....

be sly..
leave her wondering what you are thinking and planning...

with the friends issue...friends are and never will be in defintion people that encourage behaviors that endanger parents of small children to become visitors in their own parents home...that friends will never be the word applied to people that undermine what God has joined...

speak globally and non specific to avoid the line of fire...

say..
I never said your friend did that...but IF she did or does she is not a friend....just by definition alone...she is an interloper...

ARK^^

Talk about gut feelings.

I went to my WW Christmas party where the OM and WW's girlfriend sat all at the same table. At the end of the night I told my wife everyone is nice, but the OM gives me the creeps.

I also never like WW girlfriend, just a gut feeling.

It was also a gut feeling about the OM being who it was.

I will defenitely have to trust it more often.

Hopethisworks said: My WW actually works in the HR department for a large company and the OM is a manager. Sounds like a code of conduct issue to me.

Brit's Brat says: Very possibly could be. HTW, if your WW works for a very large company, it is very possible they have a Corporate Compliance Department/Office and a Hotline for reporting inappropriate conduct. If you would like, I can help you find out (you can e-mail me with the name of the company at deleted. I am pretty wired in to which large corporations have these types of programs as that is what I do...

BB

HTW - I will remove my e-mail address after you have had time to write it down....

PS, my company has a big presence in Canada - gee, I hope it isn't/wonder if it is the same one?

Thanks Brit's Brat, I just send you the email.

Funny, this morning when I woke up and found my wife looking at me it was the strangest look. Almost, like a look of shame, embarassment and guilt and timidness. But when I looked deeper I could see deciept and betrayal.

Freaked me out.

HTW, you have mail!

Well today we are talking, even though it is small talk. WW seems to be struggling with this and is routinely staring out the window with a concerned look about her. I wish I knew what was on her mind. I don't want to ask her since I'm sure it will make her emotional and start her crying. I want to lay off the R talk for a while.

Not sure where to go from here. I will probably keep Plan A'ing and see what happens. I am trying to break down the invisible wall she has build around herself, but it seems inpenetrable. I need to get through to her.

I'm feeling a little down today. It's hard trying to keep this up, but I always think of her and my kids future.

I've been praying for her alot and asked GOD to give me a sign that he is hearing me. Well, at lunch time, while we were all eating lunch, a white dove landed just outside our patio window to our amazement. This has never happened before. Everyone was happy and my wife said "doesn't that mean good luck". I'n my head I was saying if you only knew.

He defenitely works in mystreious ways.

htw,
I read a lot and the books I've read have helped me imeasurealbly, The very best book I've read that applies to workplace affairs is by the author Shirlee Glass entitled, Not Just Friends.
It will detail and explain all the dynamics of how and why this started in the first place, and give you a blueprint for how to end it. She, without the benifit of MB, states the exact same principle of ending all contact, period!
Your wife must quit her job and end all contact with this OM forever. It will be difficult for her to buy into this notion, as she is deeply in the fog, and cannot see the wisdom of this as of yet.
Stay with the wonderful people here who populate this site.
They(including myself) have been exactly where you are and walked this walk in front of you. The greatest feeling i ever got from this place was knowing that I am not alone, nor is my sitch unique. My FWW also had a workplace affair.
I know the pain you are feeling, believe me! But all is not lost unless you decide to throw in the towel. It doesn't sound like you want to do that and that is a very good decision.
Your emotions are now going to be on a roller coaster ride of your life. Anger, bitterness, resentment, disconnection, helplessnes, etc. etc.
Sound somewhat familiar?
Hang here, and hang in there. It can and will get better but each victory is and inch at a time. The timeline to recovery and reconciliation is long and tedious. You have to be really strong and patient at this point. But the benefit to your marriage and family will be enormous!
BTW, the white dove was no coincidence, He is also routing for you and needed to somehow let you know. See how not alone you are?
All Blessings,
Jerry

Thansk shinethrough. Your support is very much appriciated.

Well yesterday I was finally able to break through WW's iron curtain. We talked for a very long time and many tears were shed. My neglect over the years has fueled her resentment towards me. She is soo sad. I really do feel awful abut what she is going through. She seems to be focusing on all the negative parts of our relationship that it seems to be preventing her from accepting any deposits into her love bank. Her love bank seems to be empty right now.

She said she is just good friends with her coworkder, however I think it is more than that. It hurts her know that I feel sad about her feelings. She said she looks into the future and doesn't see me there and that she feels suffocated by me. She wants space from me. She also said she feels angry about my recent affection since it was after she told me she feels "funny" aound me. I told her all my recent feelings were genuine, but it is hard to accept and not feel resnetful. Why did it take this long for me to show her my tru feelings. I told her it was hard for me to show my affection before, but things have changed. She is soo resentful and doesn't seem interested in accepting those feelings from me now.

I don't know what I should do. Should I pull back for a while and give her space or continue to show her my affection, which only makes her more resentful? She mentioned so many instances of my neglect and she was soo sad. all I could say was how sorry I was. I don't know if she will ever accept my affection now.

Our conversations yersterday and today have been excellent. She is finally opening up and we are having woderful conversations. I still sense her resentment though. I know this coworker is probably looking at her in a way that I haven't in a long time and that is making her feel good. how do I get her to accept my true feelings?

Right now I'm am just plan A'ing it and hoping that she sees that I am for real. I will lay off the excessive displays of affection (i.e floweres and letters) and just keep taling to her in a loving way. I hope one day she sees that these feelings are real. how do I start filling her love bank without making her feel resentful?

I can't even hug her without her feeling that way. I admitted being a jerk and regreting all these previous actions, but I don't think that means much to her right now. I just want to hold her tight. It is like she has already made up her mind about me and doesn't want to give it another chance. I need to somehow get her to accept my affection as genuine.

When were taling, it wasn't fog talk, so I accept her feelings as genuine. Our discussions have been upbeat, funny, deep and sad. We haven't talked like this for a long time. She feels that I am only doing this to save the marriage. I will keep it up.

She wants somebody to be "into" her or falling for her. She is getting this from this OM right now. I found out he has a girlfriend at his workplace also. I don't know the status of that relationship however. He is making her feell good about herself and she like that.

So having said all this, should I back off a bit or contine doing the little things to build love deposits. I am also going to start doing things for myself that I have always wanted to do (i.e learn to play guitar and excercise). I want her to know that I have ambitions and goals outside the relationship.

She has a very good memory and that is working against me right now. All she remembers is all the neglect. How do I overcome this.

Thanks

htw,
YEP I was just like you in so many ways. Didn't acknowledge the beatiful things my wife did daily, or , for that matter, her own beauty!
So easy to take things for granted, including our wonderful wives.
That being said, you've got a lot of work to do in front of you. You have to remember at all times now, you are no longer speaking to your wife, but rather, a WW who is like an alien, that does not speak your langage. The whole idea of Plan A is to create a safe place for your wife to come back to and leave the alien behind somewhere in cyber space.
As you do all the things that WW is complaining about, she will begin to see you in a different light. Your job now is to become the knight in shining armour that she fell in love with in the first place.
It's never too late. I don't care what WW says to you about that, she will see the difference very rapidly. Sounds like she is already beggining to see it. She is resentlful because it screws up her WW thinking. She is puzzeled and can't figure why she is doing what she is doing. This is a very good sign, when WW begins to question their own motives, it means you are doing a great Plan A. Do you understand that?
The other part of Plan A is EXPOSURE. This is the part that most BS's balk at. You must understand, that EA/Pa cannot survive the light of day. Affairs only survive well in SECRECY. Once that bubble is burst, they die a natural death very quickly. We need to begin to expose the affair to all people who can and will put a quick end to it. They would include: OM's girfriend, and any significant person who would frown upon and have an influence your WW and OM.
I will call upon the exposure vets and they can advise you much better than I.
HTW, you have truly found the right board to help you salvage your marriage and sanity. You did not find this place by accident. I realized that about my own discoverry of this place, a long time ago.
I am going to put out a call to all the VETS that can be more helpful than me.
All Blessings,
Jerry

good idea


Does she need you to get through to her?

see the difference?




This is very hard. So be good to yourself.


that really is something amazing!

guess what !

If you talked, and shared and listened and cried with her ... you made love bank deposits!

Have you tried writing a letter to your wife taking responsibility for your past mistakes ?

Ownership of your weaknesses might go a long way with healing a grieving wife.

So what is your situation now?


So you recommend continuing with the EN's? I stopped saying I love you because it seemed to be bothering her, should I continue?

I wrote her a heartfelt letter last weekend describing all of my mistakes and taking responsibility for the situation she is currently in. Before I gave it to her (at bedtime)she asked if it would make her sad. I replied "I'm not sure". She read it and said thanks for the letter. It didn't seem to have an effect on her so I asked for it back. She refused to give it back to me. The next morning she said she loved me and asked to hold my hand, adding that she needs time to get through this. She also asked me to hold her hand this morning after we had that lengthy and sad discussion yesterday. I'm not sure why she is asking to hold my hand after these instances. Is it she feels guity or truly feels closer to me?

I probably have more to loose by just giving her space than continuing with the EN's. I'll just try to keep them modest for now.

The other night when I was laying down my boundaries, she said if you don't like it you can leave. I replyed "I don't quit on my marraige or family". She didn't reply.

Last night when she said she needed space, I asked if she would like me to sleep in a seperate bed (I knew I put my foot in my mouth right after I said it). Fortunaely she said NO!

She said she started having these feelings of uncertainty soon after my daughter's birth (approx 3 years ago). The clues were there, I just ignored them and now I am kicking myself for that.