Hi, I have been reading the great postings over the last few weeks since I started suspecting my wife was involved with someone else. I have been married 8 years with 2 kids (boy 5 and girl 3). About six weeks ago I got the old "I feel funny around you". Well that started everything. I didn't suspect and affair until I read the posts here and here symptoms were dead on. You guys were right.

I made the discovery while listening into my WW phone conversation with her girl friend, who happens to be seperated. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The girlfriend was encouraging her to seperate and "look after yourself". It sounds like a EA with a guy at her work. They have gone out to dinner a few times and he bought my WW something.

Well last night I exposed just like I was supposed to. She seemed shocked and didn't say much for a few minutes. Then she said they were only friends and asked how I found out since she could explain everything. I did not divulge my source.

Well we slept in the same bed but she slept in a more friendly position than usual. But nothing has been said since. This morning I said good bye and got no reply.

I also heard her say in her conversation that she feels "smothered" by me and her friend was encouraging her to get it over with.

So now I am wondering what I should do to help her feel unsomthered? Should I exposed the OM? Should I tell the girlfriend to but out?

Thanks

is the om married

you need to very calmly and clearly tell your wife that he actions are extremely painful and hurtful...

that you have no desire or plan to have third parties interloping in to your marraige and you will not be part of a triangle..

why do YOU think this happening...
what is the relationship between the two of you...
how connected are you two etc....

I don't think you have to expose to the OM right this second till you two discuss where "this" is going in her head....

is your plan to work on the marriage...then it's time for you to study this site...

ARK

The OM is in a seperation process.

I think this is happening because of neglect on my part for serveral years. I am trying to fix that, but I hope it is not to late. She is very cold with me now so it is hard to talk to her.

We were much closer in years past, but have kind of settled for the routine after the kids. I heard her say to her friend that "they just talk and talk and he (OM) is wonderful).

you need to state the need for her to end contact with the OM...

do you believe she is going to want to "work" on the marriage...

what has she said about that....

ark

Hope, exposure means exposing the affair to other people, outside of marriage. What you did was confront your W, not expose the affair. She already knew about the affair.

I would suggest that in addition to arks' suggestions, you call up the OM's wife and tell her about the affair. It is likely a lie that they are seperating or if they are, she should know about the affair.

The affair should also be exposed to any key family members on both sides and any close friends. The point of this is to put great pressure on the affair and hasten its end. It can't survive for long without secrecy.

You should also understand that in order for your marriage to recover from an affair, all contact must be ended between she and the OM. Even work contact. That should be your ultimate goal.

For her to end contact with the OM, she will have to quit her job. That will be a difficult decision.

I think she may be willing to work on the marriage once she gets out of the fog.

Is it OK to bring up the relationship so soon after exposure or should I wait a few days. I'm not sure how to talk to her right now.

P.S. very smart move in not telling her how you knew about the affair!

stating boundaries is NOT about discussing relationships..

stating boundaries is about stating your clear intentions of NOT being part of a triangle in YOUR marriage...

also

stating clearly and calmly and pain her actions have on you are NOT discussing relationships....

you hit this head on today/tonight about what you expect in your marriage...
not ultimatums
not controling her..
but what is tolerable in YOUR universe...

her choices are hers....

what do you think she will do when you say that you need to be married to one person exclusively...
you need to plan what her reponses could be from the the good the bad to the ugly.

will she take the affair underground

do you need to install spyware
get cell phone records etc....

will she say it's over and just continue...
or will she cut contact..

we don't know your wife..you do..
what do you think she will do..

more importantly...what do you think she thinks YOU will do..

ark

ARK

you don't WAIT for someone to get of the fog...
YOU act in plan A mode....

Thanks, I will state my boundaries about the marriage triangle and the pain that her actions have caused on me.

When I tell her that I need to be married to one person exclusively, she may say you are and we are just friends, or she may say I don't want to be married anymore.

I will have to come up with replys to those responses.

I don't think she will cut contact right now so I need to be prepared for that.

I'm really confused right now.

How should I deal with her seperated girlfriend that is giving her the bad advice? I had a bad feeling about her from the beginning.

First let the other man's wife know what is going on. Don't worry about the girlfriend. When she knows, you can think about more action.

I don't know where he lives or if his seperated wife lives with him? Any ideas on how to find out?

Look in the phone book and get his phone #. Then call the house, from a pay phone, and ask for Mrs. OM.

check out this site - http://www.zabasearch.com/

I live in Canada so that site doesn't work for me. I checked the phonebook with no listings for OM.

Since they are co-workers should I consider exposing at work?

speak your boundaries without commiting to time frames of things..

speak them without ultimatums....
and speak them without commiting to anything ...

speak your words that it is unacceptable that your 5 and 3 year old will be exposed to strangers who threaten to endanger their lives...

speak your visions of a marriage of two people committed to one another as a team and work hard a meeting eachothers needs....and fullfilling eachothers lives....

PLAN A is ALL about contact with their OP....

I will bump up my plan a post that addresses this...
and maybe even the lighthouse post...if I can stomach it... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

ARK

Try this site -

http://www.whitepages.ca/

Well last night I took the power and control back and I feel GREAT! Thanks to all the vets on this board who have been giving excellent advice. I don't know what I would be doing if this site wasn't available.

Well I get home from work last night and say "hi" to my WW without any reply. So she is still not talking to me. We go through the evening doing some of the usual stuff and then put the kids down. As we both settle down into be the fun stuff begins...

BS: Do you want to discuss why you are mad at me?

WW: I'm not talking until you tell me where you are getting your information from.

BS: That's not important, what's important is that we both know it is true.

WW: OK then...

BS: You know isn't funny how you are upset with me even though it was I that was lied to, deceived, and betrayed? I feel like someone ripped out my beating heart and through it away leaving behind and empty shell. This is the worst feeling I have ever felt and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. This is like I'm having a nightmare. In spite of all this, I still love you very much and want our marriage to work. I will never stop fighting for that.

WW: ......(silence)

Now I start to be a man and set down my boundaries...

BS: I want this marriage to work, therefore I can't accept any contact between you and the OM. That is the only way we can get through this and make things right again. Also, I will not accept any call to this house from your girl friend (she is seperated and condoning my wife to leave me and do stuff for herself. She is evil and my blood boils when I think of her).

WW: You can't tell me who my friend are...(oh I got a reaction)

BS: I'm not telling you who your friends can be, I just don't want her calling this house anymore and undermining our marriage and family. Whenever she calls you spend excessive time talking secretively. I know you are talking about the OM and disrespecing me and my family. I will not accept that any more. I will not be a doormat.

WW...I don't think this is going to work

I refused to respond to that comment and several moments later ended it with....

BS: I want this marriage to work and I will never stop fighting for you, us and our family.


I had a great night sleep for the first time in a very long time. I felt in control for the first time in a very long time. I could tell my WW was flustered. This morning I wake up and see my wife looking at me, which see normally doesn't do. This is what transpires.....


WW: So you want to hear me say something?

BS: Say something?

WW: You want to hear me say that I will no longer see the OM?

BS: That is the only way this marriage is going to work.

WW: First you need to tell me your source (ah she's trying to negotiate, but now I know you can't negotiate with terroists as one of the vets here have said)

So I think about it for a while and tell here that I overheard her conversation with her girlfriend (I actually recorded the conversation, but I felt I had to give something...probably a mistake on my part)

WW: OK I will only work with him and not go to dinner.

BS: No contact means absolutely no contact, nothing.

WW: Do you want me to quit my job.

BS: That is what it is going to take to save our marriage and make thing right again.

WW: I will consider it.(I can tell those little wheels in her head a spinning fast)

BS: What are you thinking?

WW: (with tears flowing down her face) I'm thinkning what happens if I quit my job and our marriage doesn't work out and I can't support myself. You accuse me of all these things when I was only having dinner with him (she then gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom)

Later she comes out and I say...

WW: We are just good friends, that's it.

Now I wanted her to know that I still know a lot more that I wasn't revealing to her

BS: I know it is more than just good friends and you know it too. What did you do Monday night when you came home late from work.

WW: I told you I was working late

BS: That's all

WW: yes

BS: What did you do after work?

WW: (Hesitating) I went to dinner with my friends from work. You know They were going to buy me dinner.

BS: Which friends

WW: Me and OM and girlfriend was supposed to come but she couldn't make it.

BS: Why didn't you tell me about this

WW: It was just dinner.

BS: Do you consider it appropriate for a married woman to do this

WW: I don't see anything wrong

BS: You and I know it wasn't just a plutonic dinner.

WW: How do you know

BS: I just know

WW goes to the bathroom again and a little I enter to take a shower. It ends this way:


BS: You know I want this marriage to work and I will keep fighting to make it that way

WW: (silence, but in thought)

BS: Why are you so mad at me?

WW: I'm not mad at you, it's me I can't think right now (crying)

That is how it ends. Well how the roles have changed over the last few days. Prior to yesterday, I was on pins and needles and a nervous nelly. Now I have taken some control back and I feel better.

I think the EN she is missing is Intimate conversation, affection. I can't give that to her right now since she has formed this wall. How do I break through?

How you break through is exactly waht you are doing. You talk with her about how you are feeling, about how this has affected you. Keep it up. Talk about your day with her. As you are idly sitting around doing waht seems to be nothing (watching TV, cooking dinner) stroke her leg or shoulder, or scratch her back very lovingly, almost casually.

Yes, she is trying to negotiate with you. I get the impression she wants to know so she can hide it better. Watch out getting into a power struggle with her denials and trying to convince her that what she is doing is wrong...she knows it is, you know it is, you don't have to prove anything. I used to say to my FWH, "I know you are having an A, it is not up to me to prove to you, but up to YOU to prove to me you are NOT."

Something else to add to your statement that you will keep fighting to make the M work, is that one day you will run out of energy and love for her, and when it's gone, it's gone.

EXCELLENT boundary negotiating the end of hte A and telling her you will not tolerate her friend calling the house.

The 2 women will be talking today and she will be ignited ("How unfair he asks you to quit your job, when HE is the one that is a bad H..."blah, blah, blah) Be prepared for a renewed vigor in her arguments tonight.

Time to babble back the fog talk. AGREE with everything she says.


"I'm thinkning what happens if I quit my job and our marriage doesn't work out and I can't support myself. You accuse me of all these things when I was only having dinner with him"

You: Yes it does seem unfair. But if you stay at your job with OM I know our M will not work out.


WW: I don't see anything wrong

You: I can see that, but I do.


Orchid is excellent at the babble...

You are doing a GREAT job!

You should expose quickly.

Yes, expose at work.

And it is VERY likely the OM is NOT separated. How to find the BW? Is there someone close to the situation you can appeal to? A sister or mother? Can you call directory assistance? Sometimes numbers aren't listed in the phone book but are listed through the operator.

Does WW have a day off soon? I would walk into work and talk with his or her boss. Large company? You can call anonymously the HR dept and ask their policy on office A's.