HTW,

Postive feedback is always a good thing. Thank her for making that choice and let her know you appreciate it very much. It will be awhile before you hear any reaffirming comments from her. She is in defensive mode right now, and she is confused because she doesn't know whether to defend her choices and OM, or you and her marriage, but SHE DOES KNOW she is going to defend herself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there as others have said you are doing great.

God Bless,

JL

Yes! Yes! Yes! Be ecstatic!

Positive reinforcement is a great thing. It's important that she see that she can do things that make you happy. It will give her hope.

Thanks everyone for the support and feedback, it is much appriciated.

Well I just exposed my WW EA to my parents who were both extremelly shocked. They never thought my WW was capable of this (neither did I). So it seems the world is now starting to cave in around her and it will be interesting to see how she reacts and holds up. I will just let this unfold for a while and stick to Plan A.

I really feel the only way this can work is if she quits her job. I hope all the exposure and pressure she is now feeling will expidite the process. This is going to get a whole lot darker before it gets any lighter.

When she starts going off on you again saying "how could you alienate everyone" and all of that, simply tell her that you didnt do anything...simply asked for them to talk with her and help her to see what the consequences of HER choice to have an affair would be. That all you've done is ask them to help you to save your marriage.

She's absolutely right...no one can tell her what to do. She's a grown adult, and therefore going to make her own choices. But...she's got to remember that any choice has consequences. You aren't the one causing all of this grief...she is with her choices.

Give it time...it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. She'll be angry, hurt, crying, etc...but you need to just calmly stick to your guns. What you want is the chance to rebuild your marriage into something better. But that can only happen when the third person is no longer in the equation.

And above all, keep telling her that you still love her and want to work things out...which is your only motivation for any of this.

She keeps asking me what do you know and refuses to admit there is anything wrong with her involvement with OM. All I have told her so far is that I have discovered things that tell me you are involved with the OM (i.e. dinner alone and driving alone to work together) She won't admit to there being any affair.

My recorded conversation of her and her girlfriend was more revealing. She described her dinner with him as "just talked and talked...he's wonderful" and "he got me something but I can't say since my husband may be listening"
That was all I needed to confirm the EA but haven't given her these details since it would uncover my snooping source (phone recordings).

How can I get her to admit to this EA?

Why do you need to have her admit it? It's not like you both don't know what's going on.

Simply tell her that you're no fool and you know what's going on. Lying to you about it is a waste of breath. Talking about HOW you know is a waste of breath. You just DO. Tell her that she can't hide this and that you will find out more if you need to.

Then, plan A...

Update,

Well last night my wife came home and seemed very sad, depressed. I convinced her to come for a bike ride with the kids. You could tell this is wearing her down.

This morning she asked me if I reported her to her work and I admited that I did. She said she feels like I am trying to force her hand and that she feels hate towards me now. I replied that I did it because I love her and it is the only way to save the marriage. She did go for that.
She said she feels very weak and doesn't know where to go.

She is still upset that I alienated her from her family, but again I explained that I did it to help me save my marriage. She feels I did it to get her to leave. She then said "if I was having an affair, do you think by forcing me to leave my job that I would stop". I didn't reply since she was starting to get upset now.

She keeps minimizing the relationship with the other man, swearing nothing happened between her and the OM. I told her that I'm not doubting that anything physical happened, but it's the emotional connection that cocerns me based on the things I know. She always gets upset when I say that, because see says that she told me everything that happened. Maybe, but only after I had to press her about it.

Honestly, I am having some doubts about this exposure, since she is starting to make me feel bad. She really seems hurt right now and she really thinks I'mdoing this to hurt her and control her.

Of course she wants you to feel bad...so that you will stop pressuring her to do the right thing!!!!

Personally, I would have told her that getting her to leave her job WOULD help in stopping the affair, since it would eliminate one more point of contact with OM...and left it at that.

As far as the comments about her saying that there's nothing wrong with her relationship with OM, then ask her why is she hiding things from you? And why is she not admitting the truth to you up front? Why won't she allow you access to her emails, phone, etc...?

The next time you talk about this stuff, tell her that the true defining moment in an affair is NOT having SF...it's when one spouse begins HIDING things about their relationship with the other person from their spouse. For example, hiding gifts from OM that your husband might not approve of...

YOU haven't done anything to her. She has done it to herself. She's wanting to dodge responsibility for what she's done. Blaming others is typical.

It's sort of like blaming the cop when you get busted for speeding. He wasn't the one with a foot on your gas pedal.

Doing the right thing can be hard. Don't let her bully you into silence.

HTW: "She has a very good memory and that is working against me right now. All she remembers is all the neglect. How do I overcome this?"

If you find out how to overcome this, write your own infidelity book. It will be a best seller.

FWW obsessed about and magnified what she thought was neglect, LBs or just wrong in general our M. She was somehow able to erase all the good leaving only a residue of unhappiness. She did this during the entire 10 year span of her LTA. And, she was somehow able to propagate this thinking all the way back to our wedding day!

Maybe 2% of this poisonous residue was real and based on actual incidents. The rest was all perception and colored thinking. In fact, 75% of this residue was from incidents she intentionally created. For our entire M we rarely ever fought, but during her A she would occasionally start some crazy argument and then only hold on to her feelings if I took exception to whatever it was. (I never fought with her, not even in these crazy cases).

She even admits all this now.

But she still thinks this way at times.

I feel as if I spend most of my time now trying to prevent erroneous perceptions from lodging in her mind. It's wearying.

Well my WW was interviewed at work regarding my complaint to through the Code of Conduct. She says it was malescious on my part and doesn't think she will ever get over it. In fact she thinks we now should see a MC. I told her that it was hard for me to do but was the only way to stop this affair.

So now what do I do. She is sleeping in another bed and I feel I have LB'ed big time. I feel really awful tonight and just wish this could all end soon. I believe her when she says she wont get over it because she has a long memory.

Not looking good right now

Go with her to see a MC. That is great. They are all angry at first, but then get over it. Your wife is having a very mild reaction. Usually they say this is the last straw, it's over, we could have worked on things, how could you do this, I'll never trust you again, I want a divorce, and on and on.

Hang in there. You did the right thing.

Nah, it is looking much better than you think. It can NOT look any worse than it was for you with your Wayward still continung her affair on in secret with the OM with NO consequences. YOur Wayward is pissed..........who wouldn't be. You are shattering her mirage. YOu exposing her is NOT going to be the reason that your marriage does not survive. PLease, PLease accept that premise. Your exposure on the contrary is the greatest "gift of love" you could have givne for your marriage. Now, I am not one to profess that you will get results from all of this (you may not), but I think you have handled this exposure text book. Your WW "long memory" is not going to be the dagger for your marriage. The affair would have been that. Watch her affair die now. You are starving it off.

You are AWESOME....my new exposure hero.

Just buckle down, and weather this storm by her. This is all part of your plan. Just exposing her was NOT going to send her back into your arms. This is all a "step" process. The affair has to die before you can have any chance at reconciliation. You are doing all that you can do now.

Sour.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I beg to differ with Believer. If she is still seeing the OM, this is probably just a "bone" to you to back off and take some of the heat off of her. Going to MC with you would be in her mind for appearances only (assuming she is in the affair still). After all, you exposed this to the heavens, the "respectable" thing for her would be to go to MC to look good. Once again, this is all assumign she is still in the affair. Don't waste your money on MC with her if the affair is on-going. It is a colosal waste of time. Please send the money instead to the make a wish foundation (my favorite charity). I will match your donation dollar for dollar.

I remember one of the vets saying the days and weeks after exposure is some of the most trying time in your life. They were not kidding. I know it is for the best, but I can't help feel like I have really hurt my WW. This is where maintaining a good Plan A is really difficult since she is angry, resentful and sad. She is really good at making me feel like crap.

The funny thing is when we were talking about this exposure and I told her that I had to do it to save the marriage, she said "there were other ways of doing it". I replied "like how", however she refused to reply. Now, is she admiting to the EA with the above remark or just saying that I could of used another approach to get her attention? I find that remark very interesting.

How is all of this affecting your kids, do they have any idea?

I am in your shoes, but about a week behind you. What you have done is very brave and I am trying to muster the courage.

Stay strong!

sjcc, whenever I think of my kids it brings tears to my eyes. One of the reasons I have decided to fight this full force is because of my kids. I can't imagine the thought of not seeing them when I want to. My son asked my WW today "mom why were you crying this moring" and then he said "please don't cry ever again...it scares me". That broke my heart. I love my kids more that I can explain and I would do anthing for them as I am sure you would. That is why you need to be strong during this time. Just remember they need you. Don't worry once you start down this path there is no going back, but at least you will know you gave it all you had.

Good luck, I'm sure you will do fine.

Hopethisworks - This is the worst part of all of this, exposing them. Like LM said, if there is still contact, MC is a waste. So batten down the hatches, and stick this out. As far as her saying there were better ways to do this, that is just fog talk.

If I was you, everytime she brought up "How could you do this to me?" Regarding the exposure, I would reply,
"How could you do this to our marriage and family?"

You don't need to make excuses for telling the truth about her behavior.

I may also reply with, "If there is nothing wrong going on, then why would you care if our families know about it?"

Wouldn't those be LB's?