One other thing, the OM has just been promoted and there is a party for him on Friday night. My wife told me about this and I relpled "you want to go, yes?". She said yes, so all I said was, that I can't control her decisions.

What this the best approach. Obviously I don't want her to go, but I also don't want to make sefish demands of her right now.

Find out from your wife if she is planning to go to this party ... and if she is .. tell her you would love to go with her and you are looking forward to spending this time together ... then get dressed up and GO WITH HER

Since OM has a girlfriend...she might be there too ... and you can find out her name ... in case the affair is not ending and you need to expose further ... and find out OM's bosses's name as well.

An info gathering mission ... AND you get to go out on a "date" with your beautiful wife.

go with her .... you are her husband!

I'm thinking of starting my exposure today, but I don't know if I should do a little at a time or go on a all out blitz.

I will be exposing through work, in-laws, siblings, and possibly even contact OM.

Ho do I know if she is in the fog, since sometimes she seems so reasonalble and genuine.

Hi BB, I just contacted the Corporate Compliance Dept to expose my WW and the OM. I hope they investigate this thouroughly and at least le them know it is unacceptable. I will also be exposing the EA to my MIL in the next couple of days.

GOOD JOB! How did the call to Corporate Compliance go? Did they seem interested? Did they give you a way to call back and inquire about the status of their investigation? If this doesn't put them in the hot seat at work, nothing will.

Keep the faith - you're doing great.

BB

Hi BB,

The call went well. The took down all the information and I insisted on remaining anonymous. The gave me a reference number to call for a status update in 5 business days. I hope they take this seriously and investigate.

I also just send the VP an email exposing the EA and asking for his help in stopping the situation. I have a feeling things are going to get a little nasty soon. Maybe some of the vets can give me some advice on how to best handle the onslaught brought on by exposure. I'm starting to feel like mortarman with this carpet bombing program.

I never thought it would come to this...

Hi BB,

The call went well. They took down all my information anonymously and gave me a reference number to call back in 5 days with a status supdate. Hopefully they will investigate fully.

I also just sent the VP of my WW's work an email exposing the affair. Things are heating up quick and I'm trying to prepare for the unslaught brought on by all this exposure.

I just spoke to my WW's VP and he was suprised to hear this and will be talking to the OM shortly. He agreed that this is unacceptable. Here we go....

HTW,
In answer to your question, things between my wife and I are going well, but it has taken a very long time to get there. I thought true recovery was going to be much quicker than this. This is why I said, it's a long tedious process.
If you and WW recover(and I think you have an excellant chance of this), it will take a long time for you and her to process the emotions you are feeling.
Recovery does not come easy or without a proper time to grieve what you have both lost.(You're going to need that white dove alot more than you realize at this juncture)
Right now, you're caught up in the drama of trying to END the most hurtful thing you'll ever experience in your lifetime.
Exposure of the affair is your very best chance of ending this, and recovering your WW from the fog she is in. It has been difficult to follow your threads, as you have started so many <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />. This is not a good idea, as it will be difficult for folks to follow you and find where your are on this board. Try to stick to one thread where all can help you without bouncing all over the place.(I found this on page6. See what I mean?)
I've seen the vets coming to your aid on other posts and I'm so pleased. Listen carefully to what they say. They won't steer you wrong.
Anything I can contribute, I will humbly attempt to do so.
All Blessings in your struggle,
Jerry

Well Melodylane, you and Mortarman would be proud of me tonight. Today I exposed my WW EA similar to a carpet boming.

First I contacted her company's Corporate Compliance department (thanks to the help of Brit's Brat) and made launced a complaint of my WW and OM. I figure they will start investigating tomorrow or Wednesday.

Next I exposed my WW through an email to the company VP, who I met at her Christmas party. He called me right away and was shocked at what he read. I told him what I knew and he said "now that you mention this I do remember them driving together in the same car one morning". After that incident he sat down with the OM and let him know that shouldn't happen since their business relationship should be at arms length. He imformed me he will talk with the OM and let me know what happens.

Finally, this evening I exposed my WW to my inlaws. It was almost like an intervention. MY MIL, FIL and BIL all came over and let her have it. I had to calm them down a little. It was like a blitz and she was shell shocked. All she said was "you can't tell me what to do", "what the hell did you tell them" and "are you happy now". I felt like saying yes I am happy now, but instead I said that this was the only way to fix our marriage and that I loved her. She didn't want to hear that of course. Instead she did the silent treatment, but when she looked at me I could see the viper coming out as some had suggested. It wasn't pretty.

I was really happy that my in-laws supported me the way they did. My FIL said if you break up this family you are no longer welcome in my home. My MIL gave a verbal assault and my BIL said how could you do this, he is like a brother to me and that if it was him, he would have thrown her to the curb. I really had great support and that may help me if I need Plan B. They all insisted that she quit her job immediately. She refused of course.

So now she is sleeping in my son's be and I have our bed all to myself tonight. She is also really good at the silent treatment so I expect that to last a long time.

I really would like some advice on how best to proceed now. Should I do my own thing for a while or try to talk to her. Somehow I don't think she will want to talk for a long while. Wait til she finds out her company is investigating her EA with the OM. She is going to hate me.

Her selfishness really came out tonight. Not even an ounce of remorse. Hopefully this will creat some confusion now and start her thinking.

So now she is exposed...what next?

P.S. Thanks for all the support from everyone here. I don't know how I could have gotten this far without you. You are trully doing GOD's work.

HTW:

Absolutely SPLENDID..............10 out of 10. I think you just essentially "nuked" the WW's affair. It may hang on for "spite" for a few days, but this affair is about to be on life support. YOu did good.

Sour...

HTW,

You are doing awesome. Completely awesome!
You have a lot of courage doing what you are doing. And you are getting some excellent advice here.

I will reiterate what others have said. DO NOT give up your sources of information ever. Maybe 15 years from now, but definitely not now.

Well after having the first good night sleep in a long time last night (alone), my wife came to our bedroom got dressed and asked if I was awake. She then started drilling me with questions like:

What did you tell them?
I replied, "I just told them what I know and the truth". I didn't say another word, but she continued...

I told you what happened and this is what you do?
I said I needed time and this is what you do?
Did you hear what my mother called me?
How could you alienate my family from me?

There were probably another half dozen or so but I refused to listen to the babble. After she sayu I wasn't interested in talking, she started sobbing and left.

The support that I am receiving from my in-laws is tremendous. I was touched when my BIL, almost in tears, confronted my WW last night and asked her "how could you do this, he is like a brother to me".

My MIL is one very strong and truthful woman. She doesn't hide from conflict or the truth. She believes in right and wrong regardless of who you are, including her daughter. I have a great deal or respect for her family. I hope she does to and can eventually see that we are doing this because we love her very much.

I made the analogy of a a child to my MIL. If your child is straying into darkness, you don't let them find there way because they can't see. Instead you guide them back into the light. That's how I'm approaching this with my WW.

Also, I can't help but feel that exposure (especially this intense) is a major LB. My WW seems so hurt and angry at everyone, especially me. I told her that I'm doing this because I love her and want our marriage to work. I hope she eventually sees that once the fog clears.

Thanks for all your support so far.

Now that my WW's EA has been exposed, I'm not really sure on how to proceed. See wasn't remorseful at all and doesn't seem inclined to quit her job and end all contact with OM. She won't even admit there is anything wrong with her relationship with OM.

Any suggestions?

You did a great job. Don't expect ANYTHING right now. You will just have to live with the viper in your home, and sleep alone for awhile. But please know that you have done the best thing for your marriage. Shedding light on the affair is the best way to end it. Just hang in there.

Bad approach, HTW. Your wife is not a child. You are not her parent. It is disrespectful to treat her like a child, even if she's acting like one.

Instead, imagine another adult is straying into darkness. It is THEIR choice to ask for and accept your guidance. It's overbearing to insist they take it, even if they don't want it.

I'm sensitive to this. My wife tried to "parent" me for years before my affair. I HATED it and was resentful for it.

Low

I see your point, but isn't exposing and insisting that the WW quits her job for the sake of the marriage also overbearing? She will ultimately have to make this choice, but she may feel heavily influence by me and others to do so and my ultimately resent me for that.

There is one other item that I need advice in dealing with. My WW is planning on attending a party for OM on Friday night. I told her it was her choice to go before the exposure. Now that exposure has ocured, should I restate my boundary (i.e. I can't accept any contact between WW and OM) or just let it play out and see what she does. Personally, I want her to make that choice, but I also want her to know I don't agree with her decision to go.

Exposure is not being "overbearing". Exposure is about actions YOU take to enhance the chances you can recover your marriage...it's not about "controlling" her.

"Insisting" that she quit when she doesn't want to could be considered controlling. However, it is more loving and respectful to make clear how her continued working with the OM hurts you every day she does.

It will be up to you to decide how YOU will respond if she doesn't respect this boundary.

Do you see the difference between threatening actions in an attempt to control her behavior and making your own boundaries clear?

Making sure she knows what your boundaries are is not being "overbearing". Forcing her to respect them is. She must do that of her own free will.

Attempts to educate her beyond your boundaries will be perceived as controlling.

You must accept that you cannot control her actions or force her to do anything. She must accept that there will be consequences for her continued affair.

Be clear about all of that. Then continue to Plan A...

As far as the party goes...

Let her know how this hurts you, that if she chooses to go that she's making it clear to you that the party and the OM mean more to her than her marriage. But reinforce that it IS her choice.

Then, Plan A, Plan A...

That is exactly what I will do. Now what happens if she ultimately decides not to go, would it be beneficial to let her know that it makes me feel better that she chose me over the party and OM?