Well woke up this morning after another night of sleeping alone, even though it is still in our bed and WW had decided to sleep with my son.

Something came to my mind this morning about something she said to me last night. Previously when I used to ask her what was wrong or what I could do to make things better, she would say "it's not you it's me", but yesterday after she found out I exposed her to her work, she said "it's alwasy about you isn't it, just like the time you left me sitting at the dinner table at that wedding". Also, my MIL grilled her again this morning saying I don't like what is going on, my WW replied "There are lots of things I don't like around here either". So now I am starting to see the resentment she has built up over all this time.

This morning she also looked at me with viper eyes and said "this is all your fault". The hatered is running deep right now. I'm not getting worked up over any of this just letting her spew. Should I be returning fire right now or just laying low?

Now is the time to lay low. You can try to meet some of her needs, but she probably won't let you. So just expect her to be nasty and critical for awhile.

Actually, you don't ever return fire. All you do is stay under cover, and let her realize the ineffectivness of all the fire she's laying on you...and eventually she'll both run out of ammunition and realize she'd been shooting at the wrong target the whole time anyway.

Of course she's going to blame you...after all, there's no way SHE can be the person at fault here is there???

This is all straight out of the script. Nothing to panic over.

Just lay low, don't engage her in talks about divorce, relationships with you, or anything else along those lines. Whenever she tries to do so, or especially when she starts getting angry, simply let her rant on with no response. If you MUST respond, simply calmly repeat back whatever it was she's said, so that she knows your listening. You can learn a lot about the things that you'll need to work on in your marriage later once she's gone through the withdrawl and fog...so take mental notes

Let her rant, and when it's all done simply tell her that you love her, and at this point all you're trying to do is to save your marriage and family. And DON'T engage in any arguments. Repeat yourself as often as you need to, but don't fight back. There's no point to it, and it can't help your situation...only make it worse.

Don't agree with anything she says that makes no sense...simply let her say it. Don't give her any indication of approval of her action...simply let it all wash over you.

That's my suggestions at least.

Now that I am going through all this turmoil, I can see why it is so difficult to impliment Plan A. It goes against every natural instinct, which is to fight back and place blame on the WW. I have not once yelled at my WW since this all started, although I heard her say to her friend that "we just had another scrap". I was just calmly stating my feelings, but she interpreted this as a fight. I keep telling her that I'm doing this because I love her and that I want to save our marriage, but see can't see that right now and says I'm doing it to get her to leave. However, if I really wanted her to leave I would go nuts and kick her out of the house. That tells me her judgement is not where it normally is right now.

Currently, she feels everybody is against her including me, the family and even work, so she feels alienated and is fighting back. I think my MIL wants to talk to her tonight, but she probably won't have anything to do with it.

We are going away this weekend, but when I asked her if she still wants to go she said she is only going for the kids and if it were for us, there would be no way of her going. That made me feel awful, but I am trying to understand it is fog talk.

Prior to exposure, she would shower and dress well, almost sexy for work, leave early and come home late. Where as now she hasn't showered for 3 days, dressed more conservatively and is leaving and coming home at a more reasonable time. Why is she doing this, I don't know.

Believe it or not, I feel better whem I am around her right now even though she is in a fowl mood, rather than being alone at work. I'm think about this constantly. My work is defenetiely being affected and I think I will tell my manager about the situation so he can understand better.

Regardless of what happens, I never want to experience this again. This is defenitely the worst time of my life.

My WW is so good at denying, making excuses and being agry at me that I sometimes feel like there really isn't an EA happening. But all I have to do is listen to the tape to reaffirm my suspisions. Do any other BS get this feeling.

It is almost like she is so convinced that nothing happened that I start to believe it sometimes and question my exposure plan.

Well it doesn't seem as though she is going to quit her job, in fact she is more resolute than ever to keep it. I was hoping all the pressure from everyone would help convince her to quit her job, but it hasn't worked so far. In order for her to go into withdrawl and hopefully recovery, I need her to stop contact with OM and the only way is by quitting her job.

For those who have exposed, how long the anger from the WW last? I get a feeling that it will be there a very long time, and that is going to be difficult to deal with.

“My WW is so good at denying, making excuses and being angry at me that I sometimes feel like there really isn't an EA happening. But all I have to do is listen to the tape to reaffirm my suspicions. Do any other BS get this feeling.

It is almost like she is so convinced that nothing happened that I start to believe it sometimes and question my exposure plan.”

You are kidding, right? Well, OK, I suppose not.

Let me tell you about D-Day 1, six years ago. (Well, actually there was an even earlier D-Day 0 about 15 years ago but that’s another story).

I first found out about the affair pretty much like you did: emails and phone calls. Nothing blatant and overt enough to prove a PA but definitely an EA.

W reacted very much as yours – a main course heavy on anger and blame with a thick sauce of hurt feelings and a dash of regret for seasoning. And a side dish of lots and lots of hot and spicy denial.

We went through 6 months of MC and a year of IC for me because I believed her and MC that it was my fault for not meeting her ENs correctly and being a dud H.

(Edit: In my own defense, different MC and IC after D-Day 2 conclude missing ENs have little to do with her As. I always did very well in the EN and LB departmets. W even admits it now. She never wanted to leave the M. This is much deeper.)

W initially threatened immediate D if I exposed to anyone. She threatened immediate D if I confronted OM. One of her mantras was I would be wrong to foist our problems on poor unsuspecting OM’s wife.

I did not expose and I believed her promises it was over. I believed her when she said she would never see him again. She looked me in the eye more than once and cried real tears saying she knew how much she hurt me and she would never do it again.

So, I let it go. I stopped checking up on her after about a year. I trusted her again. I accepted her denials of PA even though deep down I was never really sure. I willingly let it go.

Five years later I get treated to D-Day 2. By now it’s a 10 year Long Term Affair (LTA) with huge attachment issues and nearly impossible to deconstruct motives and emotions.

All she did after D-Day 1 was go further underground. She lied to me, MC, IC, she even lied to OM who told her earlier he would end it if I found out. It was indeed a PA from the beginning, too.

Now it’s a bigger mess than anyone can possibly comprehend.

So, don’t take half measures. Get to the bottom of all of it so you don’t end up like me.


“For those who have exposed, how long the anger from the WW last? I get a feeling that it will be there a very long time, and that is going to be difficult to deal with.”

I did confront OM after D-Day 2. Her anger lasted maybe a month. But she is still resentful even now. She says I was just peeing on my territory. LOL. In fact, just the opposite. I offered to get out of his way if he loved her. He cut and ran as fast as he could. He actually said she has too many problems. Sort of unexpectely left me holding the bag, LOL, again.

Appy:

Gadz, so many of your particulars are so familiar... but you already knew that.

HTW:

Have you read Gramn's and foundareason's threads? Very similar sitches, but a little farther along in the process than you are at the moment. It would probably be useful 2 read their accounts of events around their recent d-days and exposures 2 help you get a better feel of just what a stellar job you are doing right now.

best,
-ol' 2long

Thanks guys for the recent post, it gives me incentive to keep on plugging away. Sometimes you start to have second thoughts and you need someone to set you straight again.

Well yesterday evening she was as cold as ice again, even refusing to let me per her dishes in the dishwasher. I asked the kids if they wanted to go to the park and told my WW she was welcome to come. She came along, however we did not talk or sit on the same park bench. I just had a good time with my kids, playing in the sand and chasing after them.

My WW called her girlfriend last night to find out what happened with the OM's work investigation into the EA. Well, it looks like the OM was a little defensive in the interrogation since the investigators were making accusation and grilling him with questions. I also found out that my WW may have played golf with the OM. The best part is that the OM is extremely pissed at me and may take action if he looses his job. The best part is that he is also a little upset with my WW for what is happening. Maybe she didn't do quite a good enough job of concealing this EA.

The OM told my WW to fight this so that is what I am expecting from her. I know what I know and that will never change. Based on what I heard, it doesn't seem to be a PA, but there was definitely the start of an EA. I don't think she feels there was anything wrong with that, but I need to be clear that is was and is unacceptable.


So even though it doesn't look like she is going to quit her job anytime soon, they have been placed inside a fish bowl at work and will be observed closely. The OM was also told by his manager (the one I talked to) that my WW had better not show up to his party tonight. So maybe, just maybe there is a crack forming in this EA. I only with my WW's girlfriend was not around to act as a liaison between my WW and OM, since it seems that is the only way they are contacting each other right now.

I'm still sleeping in my bed and my WW is sleeping with my son. This weekend we are going away to the beach, so hopefully she can relax a little and have some fun with the family. All I can do right now is Plan A, Plan A, Plan A...

Thanks for all your support everyone

I have a bit of a dilema. My WW EA may have been in the early stages and therefore, I don't have any concrete proof of EA besides her calling him "wonderful" during dinner that she didn't tell me about. Also, there are some other indicator on the tape that show she is taking a liking to OM. Now what do I do. Should I let my MIL listen to the tape or reveal some other evidence to my WW. My MIL said to let my WW listed to the tape, but I know she will just say I just think he is a really nice guy that's all.

What do I do.

HTW,

I have read your entire thread here. Your situation is text book and is exactly like mine. You ask: "what do I do." You and she both know what this is, its a secret relationship with someone of the opposite sex. You have nothing to prove. Your wife should have no secrets from you. She is having trouble coping because she is doing something that she knows is wrong (hence the secrecy) but is rationalizing that is is ok as she is entitled to some happiness at all costs. The exposure is now extracting that cost from her. This battle in her head is what has her in the fog. Stick to the plan, do not get angry. This is not about her doing it to you but her doing it to herself. She is slowly destroying any self esteem she might have and needs someone to blame(you). She will eventually realize her bad feelings/anger regarding exposure is her issue, you simply stated the truth. When I exposed my wifes affair to her mother my wife said "you humilated me". I told my wife that I simply stated fact to her mother "My wife has a boyfriend" and that the humilating part for her was due to the fact that she knew married women were not supposed to have boyfriends and that was causing the humilating feeling, not the exposure. Took a few days to sink in but she did get it. If it makes you feel better, your wife is mentally ill right now. She is living a life exactly opposite to what she morally believes is right. She is living a fantasy, in any other case you would call this mental illness.

Keep your head up, you are doing fine and you will get through this.

I don't want my in-laws to feel like there is nothing going on when really it looks to be an EA. I want to play the tape for my MIL and let her hear the truth because right now she tinks it may be just stress from my WW work that is causing her to feel this way.

In hindsight, I should have gathered more evidence before I exposed, but I didn't want to wait to long and rist the EA becoming a PA.

Listen, if she has a secret relationship, whatever the intensity, or lack of, it is wrong. Hugely wrong. Even if it had not yet progressed to a PA it would have. All the similar experiences on MB lead me to believe me it already has.

If she is doing anything at all with some other guy (or woman, for that matter) she would not do if you are around she is in the wrong and hurting your relationship and creating barriers to intimacy within your marriage. You are obliged as husband and father, as head of your family, to take action. And I firmly believe you cannot do better than the MB plans of action.

BTW, I had hard copy of email with very suggestive language – even plans to get together with OM at a hotel and do “...anything he wants, anything at all!” And W tried to tell me it didn’t mean anything. It was just friendly banter.

For some reason, WS think BS are stupid, HTW. But in reality they are so pathetic. And they don’t ever understand until it’s way too late.

Update,

Well I came home from work in a pleasant mood and said hi to my kids. My WW was on the phone (probably her girlfriend) and once she got off asked me to light the barbeque. During dinner I asked if she would like me to pick up some supplies for a trip to the beach this weekend. Suprisingly, she replied in a calm and friendly voice. After dinner I cleaned up and said thanks for dinner...no reply on her part. The I tidyed up the kids mess and vacuummed the house. I noticed her also cleaning up the backyard and around the house as well.

The I took the kids shopping to pick up some items and bought her a coffee (she loves coffee) and left it for her on the kitchen counter. Well she couldn't resist and helped herself to it (no thanks of course).

I have a strange feeling she my decide to sleep in our bed tonight. If she does, I won't make an issue out of it, but it will defenitely make my day. It's funny, after all the [censored] that I have been putting up with the last few weeks, she is upset with me for exposing her EA, which she will not admit to of course.

I think she is somewhat confused given the fact that I am in extreme giver mode so soon after her exposure. I know deep down she feels some guilt and although has denied any EA, knows that it was wrong to keep secrets from me. She gave a couple of her sighs this evening, which usually indicate she is stressed about something. The sighs are much less than they were before the exposure, I'm not quite sure what that means.

I have to resist the urge to cave in to her right now. I will do my thing and show her what she will be missing. I did committ one small LB tonight, when I through out her coffee before she had finished it. This will be a major Plan A weekend

Weekend Update,

So as a family we went to the beach for the weekend and had a pretty good time. The kids had a great time and my WW and I had some small talk and the occasional laugh and giggle about some of the things the kids were doing. I was in a good mood the whole weekend and tried not to LB. She stills seems angry at me but it's not as bad as the days immediately following exposure. I don't think I could have been a better husband or father than this past weekend. I am starting to feel comfortable living with this new and improved attitude.

There was no relationship talk at all and I don't expect there to be for a while yet. We are kind of in lock down mode. Neither of us will give in right now, although I am being very nice to her, while she is trying to maintain the anger. I must break her...and guess what...I just came from my bedroom where I noticed someone sleeping! That must be a great sign, either she is uncomfortable in my son's queen size bed, or she has decided to return to OUR bed out of her own will. This is great news.

I also had a conversation with my MIL and BIL who kind of insinuated that I may be just over reacting with this situation after my WW firly denied anything. Well, I just let my BIL listen to the tape and that ended his speculation pretty quickly. I hate listening to that tape!
He recommended getting MC to help save the marriage, but I think there needs to be a NC in place first, which looks like it could be difficult. What do I do? I want to go to MC but if she doesn't agree to NC is it a waste of time?

One other funny note. On the way to the beach my son was asking how much we loved him, because I always tell my kids that I love them to infinity and beyond (aka Toy Story). Well doesn't my son ask my WW "mom how much to you love dad?". She replies somewhat unenthusiastically "I love him very much". I was happy to hear that, but I don't know how much it means coming from her right now.

Anyway, she is working from home this week and taking holidays the week after, so she won't be in direct contact with OM, however, she will be talking to her evil friend of course who will tell her all about the OM's day.

This is a strange time right now, I'm not sure when (or if) to bring up the R and possibly talk about MC. Hopefully I will get some advice from the vets.

All in all a good weekend.

Yes, it is a colossal waste of money and time. As I always say, if you insist on wasting this money on MC while a Wayward is actively engaging in the affair, then please donate an equal dollar for dollar amount to the http://www.wish.org/home/giving/

This way, while you are no doubt wasting your time, effort and money on this fruitless exercise, someone will at least benefit.

SM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

P.S. I think you are doing a tremendous job, A +. Be realisitic here. No need to push things if your END goal is to stay in this marriage. Your WW has already lightened up far more than you thought only a few days ago. This is all scripted, so hang in there. You are doing great dude.

Well it was good to have her sleep back in our bed last night, even though my DD was snuck in between us. I don't know what she is feeling right now. She is distant most of the time, doesn't respond when I say good morning or goodbye and we don't have any conversation that goes beyond the kids or small talk. However, we do laugh at certain things and I can see is stressed and confused. I want to let her know that I understand why we are in this situation (because of my neglect) and that I want to fix our marriage and family. I just don't know what type of reaction I will get.

I still remember her telling her friend she felt smothered and controlled. Well that is the last thing I want her to feel right now. I believe she was feeling that way becasue of her EA with the OM.

I would like to open up the lines of communication with her, but will probably need to continue Plan A for a little while longer in order to make her more receptive to me.

This is going to be a long road ahead...

Being an optomist, I'm preparing for the day that my WW and I seek couciling and would like to know what everyone's experice with Steve Harley is.

Does he provide the coaching himself?
How many sessions are required to be effective?
How successful is he at mending marriages?

Any other information would be useful.

Thanks

Well I just called home to see what my WW and kids were doing. She informed me that she was writing me a letter. I have no idea what to expect in this letter so I am kind of anxious. She also asked me if I received a response from her workplace regarding the "complaint" that I issued. I like to think of it as exposure and not a complaint.

I really hope there is something in this letter that gives us a foundation to start our recovery.

I miss her so much and everyday is killing me a little more.

So yesterday I get home from work and my wife had cooked a nice meal for the family. Then she says don't you waant to read the letter I wrote you? So I proceed to read the letter and it is a scathing description of many of the things I did wrong in the past including trying to expose her and the OM to her family and work.

Some of the things she brought up I didn't even know upset her. She has so much resentment and this has made it much worse. She said if it wasn't for the kids she would have left me after this recent episode. I just tried to listen and let her know that none of it was meant to hurt her, but she did not go for that. I feel like I am loosing control of everything and that everything I do doesn't seem to work right now.

We ended it by saying let's just take it one day at a time and see where it goes. Just a sad situation right now.

Update,

Many people have mentioned that this process is similar to a rollercoater ride. Tuesday, was defenitely a low point for me after reading my WW letter and listening to all her pain, anger, hate, and resentment.

Yesterday, was much better. I bought her a coffee on my way to work in the morning and left it on the kitchen counter for her while she was still sleeping. Later, she actually called me at work to ask if I can look something up on the internet and asked me someother question. I played a littel aloof and just went along. She said you may have tried calling home earlier but I was online with work. I replied "actually I didn't". Upon arriving home I huged and kissed my kids as usual and said hi to my WW. I also told my kids a few new knock knock jokes which they got a kick out of.

During dinner she actually initiated some conversation with me. She told me about some of the things the kids did during the day and a project she was involved with at work. This is after she told me Tuesday that "I don't give a dam about her work" so why should she tell me about her day. We went out to buy her a dress for her brother's wedding in a couple of weeks and then returned home. I could see she really like the more expensive dress, so I said "don't worry just buy it". I put the kids to bed so she could have a chance to excersie on the treadmill. Then we both went to bed.

I have stopped saying ILY and will no longer bring up the R unless she initiates. She said she felt controlled and smothered so I am backing off big time, but still implimenting a strong Plan A.

Today she is bringing the kids with her to have lunch with her girlfriend so I placed $40 in her wallet this morning just in case she needs the extra cash.

Ark^^, I have been doing many of the things that you and the other vets have suggested, including:
- no R talk
- no ILY
- meeting EN with no expectations
- being pleasant, happy and fun
- no LBing
- "whispering" to get attention
- "planting seeds in her mind" for the future
- doing subtle things
- being stong, independent and confident
- trying to be the "lighhouse"

It has been 10 days since exposure, and the worst part of it is over. Some of the things that I have noticed are:

She is still upset, but not raging mad anymore.
She has RETUNRED to our bed to sleep.
She is initiating conversation with me.
She is asking for my opinion and approval on things.
She now knows what my boundaries are.

It is still very early in my situation, but I truly believe that exposure has helped me immensely. Even though she refused to admit an EA, I know it has broken the veil of secrecy by placing a shot across her bow. She will not quit her job, so I am a little concerned of what will happen once she resumes contact with OM for work reasons.

I'm feeling much better today...