HTW,

Your W is still babbling. AS long as her anger keeps coming out, recovery can't start.

Be patient though, this is part of her withdrawal which if it happens, it must happen B4 recovery.

As for your taker wanting his fair time, let him. Your taker needs to balance out your giver.

When your W babbles (i.e. I don't think your changes are going t/b permanent, etc.), remind her she is the one who lost your trust. You are just protecting yourself, hence the mentio of distrust.

JMHO,
L.

mflake, You have been through alot and I'm glad things are beginning to look up for you. That 8 months must seem like an eternity for you, but it gives me hope as well.

Orchid, thanks for the strong adivce on dealing with babble. I still find it hard to recognize babble and therefore cannot appropriately respond to it. I guess I should be on guard for it constantly so I can effectively respond.

Today we had our first session with SH and it was basically a fact finding mission for him. He agreed that she may be in the very early stages of an EA and like an alcoholic cannot admit to their vices. He also said that based on the state of my marriage these situations become magnified in my mind as well. He spoke to my WW for a very long time and I found out that she wants the marriage to work so that is a VERY good starting point.

Next we will have individual session followed by a joint session. After the call it seemed awkard being around her, but I guess htat is normal. I hope he was able to give her some perspective regarding her conduct since I know he did with me. I actually feel much better now.

He also said my only concern right now is how I interact with her and not to concern myself with outside issues. She has build up an emotional barrier that must be brought down very gradually. He likened it to a starving man...if you flood him with food he most likely throw up. Instead he needs to be slowly introduced to a more complete diet.

My WW and I will be filling in our EN and LB questionairs which are to be kept private and submitted to SH. He will then direct us on how to proceed.

Great to hear of your first session. Expect to hear things you don't like but take them in stride. If you must emotionally react crying is better than yelling.

The emotional barrier thing sounds familiar. When it falls, it can fall hard so be ready to grab her when she's ready.

After 10+ MC sessions it still seems a bit strange.

mflake, I have already heard way too many things that I didn't want to hear so I am getting used to it by now. I haven't yelled at my WW in a few months now and I haven't cried since just after exposure. I seem to be getting used to the fray, but I find myself becoming more frustrated than sad lately. The frustration is from a lack of progress on WW part, but that is to be expected.

As for her emotional barrier, SH told my to make gradual contributions to her EN's. That is what I have been doing lately...no more ILY or strong displays of affection. It's more of a drip method, just enough to keep the garden growing. I can't wait for the day when she allows me to jump in and give her what I can really offer (if it ever happens). When your WW emotional barrier fell, how did you know? Was it the confession? SH said if my WW EN is being fed by OM she can't see it so that is why she won't admit to it. Right now she doesn't feel like she is addicted.

It will be interesting to see what she is like tonight when she gets home from work. Will she be more distant or open to me. I figure she will be more distant since she probably vented to SH on how much of a terrible guy I am. Hopefully SH gave her some perspective.

SH made a nice comment to us at the end when he said "your emotions can't see beyond the next corner and they lead you to believe things will remain this way forever". I guess it was his way of saying, things can change so don't let your emotions control you. I'm looking forward to my individual session to see what his plan for me will be.

I knew my wife had changed about 5 wks after NC, meds, and MC started. Up to that point she had maintained no PA even though I knew differently.

One night she came home from the gym and started hugging me, then crying about how sorry she was for what she did to me. She was getting so worked up she couldn't talk and was afraid to tell me, so I just said, "You slept with him didn't you?" And then she broke down, it was very sad to see her like that but I was also quite pissed off still, so I LBed a bit and told her we were done. Instead of walling up as usual she begged and pleaded with me to stay, then she left for about 20 min. I came to my senses and we picked up where we left off as far as repairing the marriage went. She even came clean to MC and IC without me having to tell her to, and felt very guilty that she had lied to them.

I am getting more positive every day that my W is a better person- it would be hard for her just to "act" as good as she is now.

I'm still on guard though, and probably will be for years. It's quite a price we pay and takes a long time to trust again- not to mention regain confidence.

mflake, I'm sorry to hear the things you were exposed to, but I'm happy to hear that things are better for you both now. I'm on gaurd constantly for any signs that WW is taking this further than an EA, but it is impossible to do unless I'm with her 24 hours a day. I hope all the pressure that I put on her with exposure will make her think twice before she ups this terrible game. I am tempted to talk to the OM just to let him know what his involvement is doing to our family. I've read some of his emails and he tries to come across as a good guy, but what kind of guy flirts and comes on to a married woman?

SH wants me to concentrate on my WW only and that is what I will do, but I won't play stupid either. I will be checking up on her to make sure there isn't anything going on that shouldn't be.

The more I read about people like you on this board, the more respect I gain and truly see what character is. I am a different person now than I was before...less passive, more assertive, less caring of what people think, more interested in doing what is right. I'm not afraid to speak up anymore.

I feel kind of good today...less anxious, less worried and more sure of myself. I know that I can only do so much and the rest is up to my WW. I can't control what she does, so if she decided to work on or R I will be extremely happy, but if she decides otherwise, there is not much I can do.

Regardless of what happens, this experience has made me a better person. It is just too bad that it took all this for that to happen. I know if my wife decides to commit herself to our marriage, she will be very happy with the new me. Now if she only could see the change is for real.

After yesterday's MC session with SH, my WW seemed a liitle annoyed or upset. I also noticed a tissue box on the bed from where she was talking to Steve and I assume that she was crying. I am really curious as to what SH told her. He asked me if I thought her relationship with OM was appropriate to which I replied "no" and so I wonder if he asked her the same question.

I also wonder if he will bring up the issue of NC in her next individual session. He compared it to a consultant who comes to a company to impliment the exact same agenda that management wanted, only the workers were not open to it because it was coming form management, thus the necessity for a third party.

He talked to her for a long time 35 minutes so he was able to get a good background on what is happening (from her standpoint) and hopefully plant some seeds in her mind.

When she came home form work last night, she said to my son while I was right there, "I always tell you that I love you, but I don't show you enough" and proceeded to hug and kiss him. Was this an indirect shot at me considering she had just talked to SH that same day? She has been expressing her love for my kids more lately and although I can understand this, it hurts since she places so much emphasis on the love for them and ignores me completely.

I am curious as to what SH plan for me will be. I just hope my WW continues with the sessions even though she seems reluctant to proceed.

Just more venting on my part. Thanks for listening...

Sounds a lot like my first MC session. My wife cried a bit at the first couple, but she doesn't cry anymore. She also started trying to be a more attentive mom before she really came back to me.

A word of caution: Before my wife admitted all, which took several weeks, she acted like everything was great and that she was really happy with our marriage again. We even took a very romantic vacation together. Then she had her tell-all breakdown session, during which she said: "I was acting for the last month, just telling myself I could happy in an unhappy marriage." Scary stuff, but now I know it was just withdrawal stuff.

Can't say of course if your experience will be similar, but so many of our nutty spouses have parallel thinking the warning might help.

Keep your guard up and keep doing what you've been doing.

By the way HopeThisWorks, feel free to PM me or e-mail me (check profile) if you ever want to chat off forum. It seems we unfortunately have much in common!

mflake, yes unfortunately it does sound like we have very much in common. I hope my situation turns out like yours did and we eventually end up in a successful recovery. I will consider taking you up on your offer. Thanks.

I really hurts when my wife expresses her deep love for my DD or DS who happen to be right beside me and she completely ignores me. It is like I am a ghost. I don't know if she is doing it on purpose or just doesn't realize how much it hurts me. Yesterday I was a little upset since she woke up very early and came home late to pick up and drop off her girlfriend who works with her. She goes out of her way for this preson while her family is waiting for her at home. When she does this it is a major LB towards me. I remember her telling me last year, that I don't spend enough time with the family. I wish she could see herself now.

Last night my WW was in a bit of a foul mood. I think it had to do with the fact that I visited my MIL and my BIL had also come over to visit yesterday. Negative input from her friend may have also had something to do with it. She said stuff like, "you spend all day at my mom's when the grass needs cutting". In fact I only spent about 1 hour there for lunch with my kids. She asked if I talked to my BIL when he came over to visit yesterday afternoon, to which I told her "he just asked how things were going. He was only here for 10 minutes". Her reply was "that's all it takes for you". Sounds like babble to me, but again I recognized it too late and did not respond at the time.

I don't know if these are withdrawl symptoms or not, but she seems to be a little more angry and distant lately. I just keep Plan A'ing for now.

Well WW is working from OM office location today and it makes me sick to my stomach. I wonder if I should ask her about her day when she gets home and inquire about her contact with him or just not even bring it up.

I don't know why she is acting more colder and distant to me over the past week or so. Could it have something to do with re-engaging contact with OM or is she upset at me for everything that has happened. I feel like I'm loosing control sometimes and just want to give up. I really don't think this R will work until she stops all contact with OM, but I don't know how that is going to happen.

I hate the way I'm being treated by her and want to let her know that it is unacceptable. This is really starting to wear on me now. I hope SH has some solid advice for me the next time we talk....I need it.

Hope, why don't you call up Steve and ask for a debriefing? It is my understanding that he usually will do this without charging for a session.

Hi Melody, I have an individual session with SH next week and will ask him then. When my WW was home from work for 3 weeks we seemed to be reconnecting right around the 3 week mark. Now she has returned to work and seems more distant and upset. I can help but contact with OM has pushed her back in the fog. The recent babble kind of confirms this to me. I plan on asking her how her day went today and see what she says.

My Giver has been taking a beating lately and needs a rest or he will succomb to my Taker. I need to do something for myself just to let the frustration out. I can feel a SD, DJ or AO coming on and am finding it more difficult to suppress. YOu can only take so much. But I will heed, mflake's advice that it is better to cry than to get angry. The only thing is I don't have any tears left.

What makes me really upset is my WW talks about how much she loves my kids, but her actions certainly don't reflect that. She is getting home to late to eat dinner with them on many nights and really hasn't been spending any quality time with them. It seems she would rather spend her time working or talking to her girlfriend.

At least it is a long weekend coming up so that will be one extra day for me to try and make an impact.

mflake, your insight has been very helpful. Has there been anything else that you noticed just before or as your wife started to reconnect and come back to you. I'm just looking for signs that I could look for.

Well the weekend with my WW was non-eventful. She still seem distant and almost annoyed by me at times. When I try to talk to her and ask her quetions, most of the time she seem uninterested or replies with only a few words. I am feeling frustrated since I don't see much progress, but try not to show it. I know this is a long process, but when you see some progress and then you take a couple of steps back it gets you down a little.

She doesn't seem interested in continuing MC and I don't know what else I should do at this point. I am trying to keep a good plan A going, but it is gettin harder as the days go by. I feel unloved and uncared for. I feel like I'm an afterthought at times for her. I feel like I'm trying very hard to make this work but she not willing.

I would appriciate some opinions on how I should proceed at this point.

Thanks

Well...during her "false" recovery period (about a month's worth) she said and did all the right things...but they were what I would call "fakeable."

I had the feeling she was really coming back to me first when she broke down, told all, and cried on my shoulder for what seemed like hours. Then it was little things: being more patient with the kids, taking better care of the house (she's a stay at home mom), showing me little signs of affection, and being more thoughtful (a sign, I think, of thinking less and less about OM and more about her family).

This weekend was the best in a long time, by the way. She put together a great surprise b-day party for me with both sides of our family (almost everyone there knew what she did, by the way!). She's just been a really thoughtful person all the way around- I guess that may be the main thing to look for.

Her mom told me I had become the "knight in shining armor" she had been looking for all along because I stayed with her through this without being angry and mean (very few LBs from me). She is finally truly appreciating how I've treated her the last 10 years. The knight reference above is indicative of how my wife has been in a fantasy world...thinking of what should've-would've-could've been with ex-boyfriends and other men she has known. She in turn believed I was the same way about my ex-girlfriends, which of course I am not! Crazy crazy stuff.

Anyway, I'm rambling. To summarize, two things for me:

#1 Thoughfulness directed towards our family.
#2 Accepting the reality that I really do love her and don't wish I had anyone else.

mflake, I am so glad to hear things have really turned around for you. No one deserves to be treated the way BS's have been and it is always great to hear success stories. I hope one day that I will be a success story to.

I am trying to be the "knight in shining armour" by not LB'ing, but I don't think she is noticing. I want to let her know that I love her very much, but I don't want to come off as smothering. I haven't told her that I lover her in a couple of weeks now. Do you think it would hurt my plan if I told her that she means everything to me and I want our marriage to be better than it ever was. I am finding it really hard stradling the line between affection and smothering.

I have my individual session with SH on Thursday so hopefully he will give me some tips and a plan to reconnect with my wife. I always use my kids as a motivator. They are wonderful kids and I thank god for them. I tell my kids that they are the best present I could have ever wished for.


I have noticed my WW taking more of an interest in the care of the house and kids. She is also showing more concern with how we spend our money which she used to do also. I don't know if that is a good sign or not, but I like it better this way. Now if she could only show more interest in me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

After SH interviewed my WW, he told me it sounds like this is the start or very early stages of an EA and that she won't see it like that since she is in it just as an alcoholic won't admit they are addicted to alcohol. I feel like I have a chance in NC is implimented, but it's not in the cards in the near future. Hopfully , her transfer will happen and we can start recovery from there.

Maybe some signs of progress.

It's tough to walk the fine line of showing you care and smothering when you're uncertain what she's really thinking.

In your situation NC is critical. I really don't think you'll get very far as long as she still gets to talk with him. I am so frustrated for you- if I were in that circumstance I don't know if I could handle it.

Still, I was at a point where I knew he was calling her every day and she knew that I knew. Still didn't stop her. I guess just stay vigilant and keep being the good guy. It's really all you can do.

I think it's ok to tell her you love her once per day. That's not smothering at all. If you've been at all neglectful in your past (like you said in your first post) she may have trouble believing she was ever #1. My wife is just coming to the realization that she is.

She may need some IC as well, that helped my wife a bunch. Depends on your situation I guess.

On Friday she came home and said she was "metally exhausted". I felt like saying trying being in my shoes for a week. I want her to know that I care for her dearly, but I don't want to come across a needy or clingly. It is tough, maybe I will just let her know how I feel without saying anymore or trying to hug her. Kind of just say it and and move on.


I'm hoping SH can somehow convince her the NC is best for all. I hear the way she talks to OM and she is enamoured with him. It breaks my heart to hear it. I asked her if she wanted to hear the tapes and she said no. I guess she doesn't want to accept the truth and pain it causes. It's hard to handle, but as long as I know there is hope, I will not give up. You see I met this guy at my WW Christmas party and I did not like the way her looked at her (creepy). He has already lied to her a few times (I read some emails) and I know his type. Sooner or later his true colours will show.


That is all I am doing right now. How was her mood, temperment, disposition, etc., when she was still in contact with him?

I was defenitely neglectful and she certainly didn't feel loved by me, that is why I have so much to fix.


I hope she agrees to this so she can get some help dealing with the issues.

I guess your wife has some really deep hurt and it's going to be a while before she believes you're sincere. You have the sound of a changed man to me- good work.

My FWW had some big mood swings when she was in contact with the OM. She has always been attractive with a very nice body but she cranked up the exercise a notch when she was with him- partly to burn off anxiety and partly to look good for him! Ouch!

SF were more like scratching itches than loving...very intense and fun but devoid of much emotion. I think she was turned on about the idea of meeting him and using me to "get off." Big Ouch!

We argued more, spent less quality time together, and were more impatient than the kids. My work went to ****** because I couldn't concentrate on it. All of that is over now and is starting to feel like a bad dream (thank goodness).

Does your wife have any underlying issues? Mine was left by her dad when she was 5 and I know that really messed up her ideas about what relationships between men and women were supposed to be like.