Chessbuddy, thanks for your support.

I thought about cancelling the complaint to her boss, but I really believe the benefits of maintaining the complaint out weight the benefits of cancelling it. Sure there would be some short term pain if her boss confronts her and we go back to square one for a while. But on the other hand, the complaint keeps her employer aware of the issue and hopefully pushes them to monitor the situation.

Having said all this, my ultimate hope is that her boss processes the complaint without telling my WW and monitors her conduct as well as that of the OM. I know my WW is now concerned about using her company cell phone or email to contact OM since she was told to stop contact with OM.

I can feel her opening back up to me and starting to accept my efforts to meet her EN.

I said it before, but looking back I am so gald that I listened to vets her like MelodyLane that pushed me so hard to expose. It was only 4 weeks ago, but I feel like it really helped in stopping fuel the affair. Sure my WW hated me for it and it may not have stopped the EA entirely, but it exposed it to the light of day made it very difficult to continue. So for those of you out there in the same situation and that are hesitant to expose, I would encourage you to do so as quickly as possible. It is defenitely short term pain for long term gain.

Thanks

Whoa Nelly!

Take a step back here HTW. You seem to be in severe protection mode. You want to protect WW from the consequences of HER actions. Now is NOT hte time to protect her from these consequences. Now is not the time to try to control this whirlwind around her...nor orchestrate it. You have set some of hte wind in motion, true, but the consequences need to land squarely on WW's shoulders and these are the consequences of HER actions alone. Do NOT take the blame for anything any other person does...you do NOT stop exposure after it has started.

Practice this with me, "I can not tell you how to handle this situation, you do what you feel is best." And you give this speech to MIL and boss and any other well-meaning person. Sometimes it is the actions of others that opens up the WW.

You are not even CLOSE to a recovery...she has been biding her time until she can start things again with OM.

A first time poster, suggesting you withdraw your complaint against your WW?? Very suspicious. Did you tell her about MB?

Be careful... WS's have been known to use post's against the BS's... - Dru

LOL Okay looking at my post I guess that is a valid statement.

Not sure how I can prove to you (or other readers) that I am not her. But I'm not.

Er... does your wife play chess? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SHMI, thanks for the kick in the butt. I need that sometimes. I guess I am trying to kid myself that things are better than they really are. I want so bad to believe that. You are right in that she needs to accept the consequences of her actions.

I suspect she has been in contact with OM, but she will defenitely see him on Thursday when she makes her visit to his location. It will be really interesting to see what she is like when she gets home that evening. If she is anxious, frustrated and distant, that probably means she was in contact and is submerged back into the fog.

Last night she asked me if we were still going to go to MC. I said I would still like to go and I will set something up with SH shortly.

Before she went back to work she said she would request a transfer from OM office location. I will give her a week to see if she put in her request. If not then I will start to elevate the pressure on her again or as Mortarman would say "create a crisis situation" (i.e. unleash the IL's and tell her I may need to start investigating again).

On a positive note, I have put back on 6 of the 25 lbs that I lost since d-day. I'm feeling better and more confident much from the helpful support I received from this fourum.

I sincerely doubt that ChessBuddy is my WW. She doesn't know I post here and she is not into chess.

Good job, Hope! The fact that she is going to ask for a transfer is very promising and tells me the affair is in its death throes. I agree with SHMI about withdrawing the complaint, that is your only defense of a resumption of the affair at work. The complaint might make her unhappy, but it makes her unhappy for all the right reasons, ie: the ruination of the affair.

You are going great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ML, If and when the transfer is successful, would that be the right time to talk about a NC letter? If she ever does agree to a letter, I would like to hand it to him in person just to let him know we are very serious.

I really hope my WW comes to me and tells me she has put in a request for the transfer. It would show me she is concerned for us and is trying to take action. I don't want to have to ask her next week how the request is coming and for her to say she changed her mind. If that happens, the screws will need tightening.

I'm getting the odd "honey" or "babe" from her now so I'm trying to figure out if she is genuine or manipulative at being a cake eater. Yesterday was my first day home with the kids (2 week vacation) and WW asked me if I yelled at them. She was trying to gauge herself against me since she told me she had to yell often at them during her time at home with them. When I told her they were "excellent" and I didn't have to yell, she seemed a little disappointed. Today my DD is ill and I will be taking her to the doctor, but when she gets better we will be doing all sorts of fun stuff together.

Well My DD is feeling better today, but my WW seems to have come down with whatever she had. She left for work this morning and I received a call from her about half an hour later saying she had a flat tire. So I quickly drove down to where she was and changed her tire for her. She was shivering from flu like symptoms so I got her a blanket out of the trunk to keep her warm while she waited. After I bought her a coffee and bagel and I told her to call me if she needed anything or wasn't feeling well enough to drive. Hopefully, these acts of kindness were deposited in her LB.

She is talking more to me but still seems to be distant and hesitant to accept any of my efforts to supply her with her most imortant EN's. I'm a little anxious about tomorrow since she will be going to the location where OM works. I don't know what to expect from her when she gets home tomorrow, but I will defenitely ask her if she was in contact and what was said. I don't expect the truth, but will ask anyway.

Well today I'm feeling anxious and worried since my WW will be seeing OM for the first time in about 3 weeks. She is going to his office location which she does as part of her job once a week.

Last night we talked and she told me she put in the request for a transfer but doesn't know if it will happen since they will need to find someone who wants to assume her location. We also talked about the recorded phone tapes and I told her how hurt I feel whenever I hear them. I am considering letting her listen to the tapes to show her why I am so concerned and upset. Would this be a good idea? I figure if she listened to the tapes she could hear herself and hopefully see what she is doing is wrong.

I will be scheduling an appointment with SH for WW and I next Wednesday. Hopefully he can provide some good advice and maybe sway my WW to NC.

I am so confused right now. Sometimes I get the feeling from my WW that she is coming back to me emotionally and other times she is still distant. Last night for example while sleeping whe cuddled up against me and started stroking my face. Why would she do this? Then we held hands a little and cuddled together. But when she leaves for work and returns she won't hug or kiss me. I don't know what to do. I haven't tried initiating the hug and kiss since I don't want to push her, but I don't understand how she could cuddle me in bed and not hug me before or after work?

We talked about the lack of trust between us right now and I hope SH has some advice for improving our trust.

So that's my situation right now and I would appreciate some advice on the things I discussed.

Thanks

The hot and cold you're seeing is normal. It's a good indication that your plan A is having some effect. Plan A is all about creating confusion in the WS's mind...it makes you more attractive to her, and clouds her choice to be with OM.

So she's confused...she doesn't know what she's feeling at this point...sounds to me like progress towards her wanting to be with you. She probably feels like she's at war with herself at this point.

Keep up plan A. Keep up depositing the credits, keep up the HONEST talk.

Hopefully she'll be able to honestly talk with you tonite when she gets home about what her contact with OM was like today. I can well imagine how tough this is for you...but it sounds to me like you're doing all of the right things.

Hang in there!

Owl, I was suprised to find out she didn't go to the OM work location yesterday. She told me she is trying to minimize the amount of time she goes there. When I heard this I told her that it meant a lot to me and said thanks for doing this.

Yes the hot and cold she is showing me is frustrating since I don't know how to approach her sometimes. We are talking more but there are some awkward times where I don't know if I should show her some affection or not.

I'm still on vacation with the kids, so this morning on her way to work I made her a buttered toast just how she likes it so she can take it to work. I got a little hug out of that and she gave me her cheek to kiss so hopefully I made a deposit in her LB$.

I have also made a appointement with SH for my WW and I on Wednesday. I'm a little anxioous about this since I'm worried of what will happen if it doesn't work. I hope my wife embraces his concepts and recommendations. She will have to make some bid accomodations to impliment his concepts so I'm not to sure if she will go for this (i.e. 15 hours a week together, radical honesty, POJA, etc.)

We have another wedding to attend this weekend so that will be some quality time together where we can talk, dance, and be close.

One positive note is that she is mentioning me (even though it is rare) in some of her future plans where as before she would just mention the kids.

Things seem to be steady right now, but I would like to see some more progress. I know it takes a long time, and I have seen some progress, I'm always looking for the homerun (i.e. ILY from her, strong displays of affection from her, etc.)

Well Friday afternoon my WW came home from work and was very distant and reserved. I asked her if anything was wrong and she said she was sad and would not tell me why. She even actually teared up a little. She also told me that her girlfriend (that I detest) will not be calling our house anymore. This made me extremely happy but upset my WW. I don't think that is why she is sad, it probably has to do with OM.

Today she is still distant to me. We seemed to be doing much better and now all of a sudden she is distant and somewhat cold again. I don't want to keep pushing her on what is wrong but would it be ok for me to say to her...

"I'm here for you and want to let you know that you can talk to me about anything that is bothering you or on your mind...anything"

It's almost like she is going back into the fog again. I'm also considering emailing or calling OM to ask him to back off since we are trying to work on our marriage. Is this a good idea?

It's difficult to accept these setbacks when it seemed as though progress was being made.

When she pulls back, you step back. It will widen the gap but in the fog time and space get distorted so the distance will do more to protect you than the WS.

Don't step forward in her direction. This means don't ask more questions, just 1 simple one every so often.

ex:

BS: What's the matter?

WS: Nothing.

BS: Oh, ok.

.....wait a while. She may wonder why you are not trying to smother her. That may bring her to you with babble like:

WS: Don't you care about me?

WS: How come you are not asking me more questions?

Something stupid like that. Her questions w/b a tell tale sign she is using you to feed her A need. LIGHTBULB moment!!!!

Don't let her use you to enable the A. Meet your wife's needs not the WS'.

L.

Thanks Orchid, I have been doing as you suggested. Would the inverse also apply so that if she gets closer I get closer too?

Tomorrow she is scheduled to be OM office location. It should be the first time she sees him in over 3 weeks and I am very anxious. I want to know what happens but don't think she will tell me.

She seems to be in this state of limbo where she is friendly and conversing one minute and distant the other.

Will have to keep up Plan A

[color:"blue"] [/color] HTW: Thanks Orchid, I have been doing as you suggested. Would the inverse also apply so that if she gets closer I get closer too?[/color]

Orchid: Read what the reply I put in quotes at the beginning of this post. Commit it to memory.

If the WS gets closer, run. If your W gets closer 'think about running'. Why? Because if you are too avaialable why should she change? The message the BS often sends is: 'I'll take you back even if you are a WS.'

In reality the BS can't stand the WS, so why take the WS back, meet the WS needs or be setup t/b manipulated by the WS? Keep reading other posts here. Many a BS panic and jump on every little attempt or affection from the WS as a recovery sign when in reality it is a WS tactic to get more stuff or needs from the BS at the expense of the BS and family. Those kinds of incidents tend to leave scars.

[color:"blue"]HTW: She seems to be in this state of limbo where she is friendly and conversing one minute and distant the other.[/color]

Orchid: Yea. That's why we call it a rollercoaster ride. Not a ride you want to take. It makes the BS puke.

When she acts that way, it is her inner self in conflict. The mood can change in seconds. Watch the eyes. Sometimes they actually get glazed over as the spouse morphs back to the WS mode. Creepy....real scary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


[color:"blue"]HTW: Will have to keep up Plan A [/color]

Orchid: Good plan. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Last night was an interesting night. It was the first time she had seen OM in over three weeks and when she came home she looked at me and said "are you nervous" to which I replied "yes". Then she said "don't be, I talked to him and I told him I want to work on our marriage". Then we had a quick hug.

Later she started reading the Basic Concepts in preperation for our MC session with SH today and I noticed her becoming upset and angry. When I asked what was wrong she said said that the concepts are upsetting her since it is about moving forward and she can't get over the past (i.e. my neglect and lack of affectin for her). She said she doesn't feel like spending more time with me or being more affectionate.

Then I asked her what she and OM talked about and she told me that she apologized to him for my actions and that she wanted to work on our marriage.

After this she said "you want honesty and openess, you ruined my life!". I said "why" to which she replied "look at what you did to my family". She also said "I'm ashamed at the things you did. You know asking for a transfer makes me look bad". I became very upset, but did not burst I just let her vent since I didn't want to ruin any hope for our session tomorrow with SH. I feel like I'm doing all this stuff to help our marriage, but she doesn't see it or only sees the bad stuff.

She said after the transfer there will be no more contact with him. I will agree that I wasn't the most affectionate person, but I wasn't a cold hard person either. She only seems to see the worst of my actions over the last 8 years. I still love her from the depths of my heart, but she doesn't see it or believe it.

One interesting remark she said was "I don't believe you will stay like this, I only think you are being like this since you are scared to loose our marrige. I think you will stop beling like this once things get better". I tried to assure her that my actions were genuine and permanent, but she just said "that's how I feel".

So the story continues and I am anxious to see what SH says tomorrow. Hopefully, he can show her that my actions are real and to open her defenses a little.

Wish me luck...

Sorry to see it's still all your fault in her eyes. At least you're going to MC, if she expects anyone to take her side there she's in for a rude awakening.

As far as being on your best behavior...the intensity is hard to maintain when you're into recovery. You're so amped up now you need some time to come down once things start looking better. It takes some work.

I've been following your story, you're pretty tough. Keep up the great work.

That my friend is what is called and what wayward spouses do all the is called rewriting marital history! She just did that and she is trying to blame you so in a sense doesn't want to take responsiblity yet and her interesting remark is the exact same thing that athe on this board said also.

Thanks for the insight mflake. Yes it is funny how everything is always the BS fault in the mind of the WS. I hope one day she has an awakening and sees that there are two sides to every story. I am feeling the most anxious and stressed that I have felt since exposure. I think it is from the constant Plan A'ing without seeing solid results yet and the fact that my WW doesn't seem to keen on this MC session.

I am taking those deep breaths that my WW was taking a few weeks ago and now know that it was the anxiety that was driving them. The good thing is that she hasn't really been doing them for a couple of weeks now so her anxiety must be less. Last night when she started reading the Basic Concepts she did them a few times.

Yes I am amped up right now and see a time in the not to distant future where I will have to unload. I don't know what to expect in Recovery (if I ever get there) but many have posted that it is the hard part. I thought it would be easier since you are finally seeing some results. If I do make it to Recovery, I will have to be careful not to let up in front of my WW since she will be looking for me to go back to my old ways. That will be very hard.

My Giver has been working overtime and I see my Taker trying to poke his head through more and more often. Last night I was asking myself "do I really need all this ####" and "I can't take this anymore". Now I know why Plan A is only for a short time since it takes a toll on those who impliment it. I just pray for the day where my WW says "I'm starting to feel loved by you again". That is why I am doing all this.

My wife filled in the Love Bank Inventory questionaire that Steve Harvey requests before the MC session and said she didn't like it. I assume she didn't because my score must have been pretty low. But if it wasn't, we wouldn't be in this situation I guess.

I just want her to give me a chance by dropping her emotional defences for a while. I am sure if she does, she will start to accept my love for her. Hopefully Steve's experience will help me get through to her.

I have read "His Needs / Her Needs" and "Love Busters" and have implimented the strategies. I sitll LB once and a while, but they have been reduced significantly. I am pretty certain the her #1 EN is Affection since she mentioned it last night and was the one that made her upset. It is a catch22 since that is the one EN that she won't allow me to supply her with.

You've really been at this hard for a awhile. Here's my timeline:

December '04: WW tells me she established contact with an old classmate.

January '05: Late night e-mails, occasional phone calls. I question it, she fills me with BS.

February '05: Still the e-mails, but attempts to hide from me (keylogger installed). Daily phone contact.

March '05: Hotel reservation websites visited, no reservations made. Daily phone contact with OM. SF at home become more frequent and intense (really good, actually). EA turns to PA on March 25 (didn't tell her I knew). I did talk to other man, turns out to be a semi-literate violent felon who served time in the state pen (ego blow to me!)

April '05: D-day April 5. Exposed to my parents, inlaws (supportive of me), WWs sister and several friends on both sides, memorable SF that night (mistake?). NC around the 18th. Marriage couseling begins, WW diagnosed with depression begins IC and medication.

May '05: Meds starting to work by end of month? We start having fun together again, take a small vacation.

June '05: WW breaks down crying and begging forgiveness, finally admits to PA (unprotected). I LB big time and tell her I'm leaving, she cries a lot, begs me to stay. I come to my senses and tell her I'll work on the marriage with her (best decision I ever made!). Another great SF night.

July '05: WW comes clean to her IC and our MC about everything. Acts truly sorry and seriously works at being a better wife and mother.

August '05: Yesterday she asked me if I ever got sad about it, I said "Everyday." She cries and apologizes again to me, sincerely, and says she will try to make it up to me even though she knows she can't.

See, there's some hope for you. I've been working on this for 8 months and I'm just starting to feel decent about life again.

I feel for you, we're the same age, as are our spouses, as are our children. Keep on fighting...I looked at my kids when I needed a reason.