Yes, she is really resentful of alot of the things I did even though they have been re-written and magnified lately


My WW was very moody prior to d-day and exposure. I remember her blaming me for this to her friend over the phone. One day she came home and erupted on me for putting my DD soccer uniform for wash when she had another game that week. That was a day or two after she had dinner with OM. She has shown signs of moodiness since but they have been much more subdued. She just seems detatched right now without the extreme anger and moodiness. My WW also excercies every couple of days and I'm sure she does it to look good for him. Before d-day she would put curleres in her hair and sit under the large tabel top hearidrier, now she still uses the curlers but doesn;t use the hairdrier as much. I breaks my heart to think she tries to look good for OM.



Sorry you had to experience those painful experiences. The last time we had SF was almost 3 weeks ago and although there was kissing she wanted it more like sex and less like love making.


We did argue more but havn't been doing as much since I don't let it escalate. However, I have noticed she isn't as nasty to me as she was prior to d-day...just distant. She is becoming more patient with the kids and more loving than prior to d-day and exposure, just not with me. I notice her worst moods are when she gets home from work and joins me for dinner. Could this be the "fog" kicking in and her missing OM? My work has gone to the ##### and I have been trying to get my act together here since I can't afford to loose my job right now. My weight dropped by 25 lbs, but I think I have put some back on since.


I don't think so, but I don't know for sure. I hope she agrees to IC in the future to sort these things out.

It seems we have very much in common and it is extremely helphul hearing your situation and how you were able to pull through. It gives me some hope to continue fighting.

Yesterday, my WW came home from work and we sat down to have our dinner. I could see she was upset about something and still distant so I asked her "is there something bothering you? You seem upset". She replied that there are rumours circulating around her work that she has a "wacko" husband who put in a complaint. Well I thought to myself, that really isn't a rumor, it is the truth. The only thing I resent is the "wacko" part.

I asked her who she is hearing this from and she told me that her director (the one I wrote the email to for help) just came back from vacation and asked her "so how are things going? Are you going to leave him or try to work things out?" She told me he is very unloyal.

I guess she never considered it could be OM or her girlfriend who also works there that are spreading this information around? I then told my WW "babe, I'm sorry you feel so hurt. The only reason I did what I did was because I love you and I needed to stop what was going on between you and OM". She said "why couldn't you come to me and ask me about it?". I said "I did confront you and you didn't tell me the whole truth. Then you told me you can't tell me the truth since you would hurt me. That made me feel hurt and betrayed and that is when I decided to expose"

Personally, I don't mind the talk at her work since there is now a floodlight focused on my WW relationship with the OM. I look at it as a win-win situation. If this kills the EA then it was successful and if she continues and eventually escalates the relationship and it is discovered then the TRUTH will finally be revealed.

She also told me that she will "NEVER forgive" me for what I have done. I have alienated her work, family and work friends who are embarrased to come over to our house now. She can't attend the Christmas party at her work because of all this. Her brother won't look her in the eye because of what her heard on the phone tape. After she vented all this to me I asked her one simple quesiton, "Do you think it was inapropriate to do the things you did with OM". Her response was "NO". And that is how I left it. She can think about that for a while.

This morning she seemed to be in a little better mood towards me. I am really looking forward to hear what Steve Harley has to say tomorrow. I need a good plan now to get her to reconnect with me. I hate hearing things like she told me yesterday, but I understand it is "fog" talk. I even wonder if she is possibly experiencing some withdrawl symptoms since she may be coming to terms that this EA may be ending or mortally wounded.

If I had to do it all over again I may have waited a little longer before exposing just gain more evidence or the EA. That way there would be now way for her to dispute the EA and turn the blame around on me. I do think if had not exposed however, this would have defenitely progressed to a point where it would be much more difficult to deal with. The fallout from exposure was and is still hard to accept, especailly when the BS is made out to be a "wacko" or some crazy insecure guy. I cannot deny the extreme effectiveness of exposure and will recommend it to anyone in a similar position. It has effectively blown the cover off the EA, removed the secrecy and placed in the light of day for all to scrutinzie. It's not a nice place to be, but I would rather be here than see what would of happened if I had turned a blind eye and did nothing.

The more I submerge myself into this unreal reality, the more I'm starting to really understand Ark's Lighthouse post. I just hope that my WW can one day see my light through the fog...

Hope, another thing to consider: you only have her word that anyone has called you a "wacko." And not that it even matters what anyone thinks, you did the right thing. The affair was ruined by your exposure. Being called a wacko [probably by your own WW when making trying to explain her behavior] is a small price to pay.

I very much think you are headed on the right path. Your W is angry that you messed up her affair and doesn't want to face the consequences, but that will come as she goes through withdrawal. You did the right things, Hope, and saved your marriage.

ML, I never thought of it that way and the "wacko" comment is a non-issue really. I have been through so much in the last few months that this kind of stuff really doesn't bather me anymore. It may have prior to all this, but now I just concentrate on the truth and saving my marriage and family. Whatever people think of say of me really doesn't matter.


It's funny there are so many common threads to everyone's situation. That is why support from the vets like yourself is so invaluable to those of us who are currently going through this mess. Thanks!

I was just reading bob-pure's old posts and I am amazed at how much he has been through just like many of the BS here on the forum. Some of the posts sound so familiar to me it gives me hope for the future. It also confirms that this is a LONG process and will have many ups and downs along the way. You can tell by the content of his posts that he has metamorphisized into someone new as a result of this whole unwelcomed event.

Being a BS changes you to the core in ways I could never have imagined only a few months ago. If you haven't been through it you just cannot understand the emotions and feelings that come from within. It is almost like trying to explain to someone without children what the love for a son or daughter is like. I remember someone saying it is like "trying to explain the colour blue to someone who has been blind since birth".

I haven't felt these types of emotions in all my life. I won't list them since it has been perfectly listed by so many of those who also experienced them here. It is good to know d-day is not the end, even though it feels like ****** on earth. Bob put it best when he said the feelings after d-day is what ****** must be like.

It's only been 6 weeks since d-day for me but it feels much longer. I wish things have progressed more than they have, but I think success will be measured more in months than weeks.

I don't know how often my WW is talking to OM, but I know she still sees him once a week for work. I don't know what those interactions are like either, but I assume she still is enamoured with him and they both give each other their best qualities.

I lie in bed next to her and when I'm lucky enough to have her head next to me I am overcome by her sweet scent. It is so hard not to reach over and hug her. Will she ever get over her resentment? Will she ever be in love with me again?

I don't know why I still love her the way I do even with all that she has put me through recently. I just do. Looking back I think I was always afraid of getting really close emotionally with her for the fear of loosing her and now that is exactly what may have caused all this. Isn't that ironic?

My parents never told me they loved me. They were the traditional hard working, practical parents who didn't show much affection. I will NEVER be that way with my children or again to my wife if we get on to recovery. I make sure my kids know everyday that their dad loves them beyond words. I haven't had a chance to show my wife that type of affection...yet, but that is what I'm striving for. If we get there she is due for some big time affection from me. It is sad it takes all this for people to change.

I'm currently at a stage where I don't know how to proceed. The EA was exposed 4 weeks ago and my wife has gotten over the worst of her post exposure anger. Now the EA has been revealed to the light of day and she is looking around to see what she should do. I don't know what is going through her mind. Is she still seeking to resume the EA? Has the exposure killed the secrecy and fantasy of the EA? Is she thinking about rebuilding the M? I wish I knew what she is thinking.

I see signs of hope, then come the signs of doom. It is like a crushing cycle of emotions that never seem to have any consistency to them. It can change on a dime and make the BS feel like all hope is lost, only to have WS say something that signals hope.

As a BS I really look for the little things from my WW for hope. Like when she refers to me as "Dadddy" to the kids instead of "your father". Like when she seems to slip up and call me "honey" or "sunshine" instead of just by my name. Like when she says "thanks" for something I did instead of no comment. Like when I see her wear her engagement ring instead of the days where she doesn't. Like when she gives me that smile for something I did that melts my heart instead of that cold expression.

These are the types of small things that keep me going and give me hope. They don't happen very often, but it tells me I'm making some progress.

So thanks to bob-pure and all the other vets who are like angels doing God's work. It is all so much appreciated.

Thanks

Well I had my individual session with SH this morning and all went well. He brought me up to speed on how my wife is emotionally wired and what needs to happen for us to fall in love again. He told me to concentrate on meeting my wife's EN and stop LB'ing. He said it will take time, but this process should eventually break down her guard that she has constructed.

He told me that my wife has noticed the changes which is good but she can't accept them with her guard up. So I need to continue what I'm doing. She noticed that I am spending more time with the kids as well. She once told me that she thinks I will change back to the old me in the future so I think it is very important for me to keep this up.

In regards to the OM, he said it could be at the very early stages and I should not focus on that right now and to leave that up to him. The only problem is my wife doesn't want to contiune with SH due to the cost and wants to go through an EAP. So I may trying an EAP MC. I just want to make sure they are pro marriage and can help up reconnect.

My wife is working from OM office location today, but I don't feel that anxious about it. I'm not sure why that is. Prior to d-day she was really doing herself up in the morning. Today she didn't use her curlers or table top hair drier and she wore her engagement ring. I don't know if any of this means anything.

She even made me a lunch last night while making one for my DS. She hasn't made me a lunch in a long time. When I saw it I was suprised and said "you made my lunch? Thanks".

Having said all this, she still seems distant somewhat. I got her to smile yesterday with a joke I told my DD. I told the same joke a few weeks ago with no effect on her. At least I'm getting something now. I will keep Plan A up and see if I can start to break through her guard.

I think she is trying so that's makes me feel good. If she didn't want this to work I think she would have been doing things to make me hate her or really thinking of herself only. As long as I can keep her trying I will eventually break through and reconnect with her.

Thanks for listening

Sounds great! She's definitely not a true believer yet but she's forcing herself to be decent to you and taking baby steps. Just remember it's really slow at first, and she's still not totally NC with the OM, so be super patient.

You'll just have to continue being a prince forever now! Anything less will be disappointing to her. Hopefully you will share my experience of the FWW who is really working hard to be the best she can be.

You're definitely in the "prove you love me" mode...which is kind of backwards as you're the injured party here. But...when she realizes how much you love her and are willing to go the extra mile to meet her needs she'll reciprocate to you. Stay patient.

mflake, thanks for you insight, it really helps hearing this from someone who has been through it already. Yes, she is being decent to me and I guess that is all I can ask for right now considering all that has happenened in the last couple of months. It is hard being patient since you want to see results, but I know it tooks years to get this bad and will take a while to get better. I can't let my gaurd down even for a while since that will give her justificaiton to say "see I knew you haven't changed!". So patient I will be. It helps knowing that she is only in contact with OM once a week. If it was everyday, it would be much harder.


You don't know how much I would love to be where you are now (actually you probably do know since you were me only a few months ago). I am seeing very small things that give me some hope and hopefully those are being driven by my treatment of her. I don't think she would be trying if she didn't care. Even though she is distant I feel some hope.


That is why most attempts to rebuild marriages won't work. Plan A goes against every natural instinct you have when you are a BS. Normally, your instincts are to fight and have your Taker control you. Plan A is the exact opposite. I hope she can see how much I love her. It's not easy being patient, especially when you have setbacks, but I know it is the only way to have success.

I hope I can change my handle to ThisDoesWork from HopeThisWorks.

My WW just called and asked me how my DS first day at school went this morning. He is starting SK and was complaining of a stomach ache and sore throat this morning. Then he started crying and clinging to me as we left for school and as we entered his classroom. Finally after 10 minutes I was able to reassure him that everything would be fine and gave him a thumbs up as I left. He smiled at me and gave me and returned the thumbs up. It made me feel good that he wasn't crying as I left for work.

I conveyed this story to my WW and also told her that I just did a presentation for the BOD or my company. She asked me "How did it go?". That may not seem like a bench mark question, but I almost fell off my chair. You see I haven't heard her ask me that question or any other inquiry of that sort in what must seem like a few months. I was shocked and could only reply with "I think it went well".

I can quarantee she would never have asked me this a few weeks ago. Maybe I'm just grasping at straws and looking for a false hope or maybe these little signs are just that...signs that she may be lowering her gaurd even if just a nano amount.

My daughter just started school too. I take her just about every day and let my wife catch a few extra ZZZs in the morning.

I totally understand your "grasping at straws." Don't worry, you're really not, you're just noticing every HUMANE thing she does with regard to you because you haven't seen it in so long and WERE NEVER LOOKING FOR IT BEFORE.

Now, all this is encouraging, but keep your guard up as they very often save a haymaker for the BS when they really start to admit to themselves that they're wrong and feel real remorse.

My wife gave me a big card for my b-day a couple of days ago...it folds out into a big poster that says "I Love You...and that's for keeps" on it and on the outside she wrote "Every time you have a doubt I want you to look at this card." Hey, I would've thought that was cheesy not so long ago!

I think you are abosolutely right. I never used to look for these things before this all happened because I took our R for granted. Now I am craving them and notice even the realy small stuff. I want to show her some real affection, but am afraid it will push her away. Any ideas?


I don't think she is anywhere near that point yet, but I will defenitely keep my gaurd up. I don't know if she will ever feel she wronged me or remorse because she insists there was nothing inappropriate between her and OM. Also she hates how I exposed her and said she will never forgive me for how I alienated her family. How can she feel remorse if she feels hatred and will not forgive me for what I did to her.


You are very lucky. Don't ever take if for granted!

My WW seems to have settled into this pleasant but somewhat distant persona. Does this sound familiar to any of the BS out there?

She is not mean or rude, but she doesn't really show much affection to me either. She doesn't go out of her way to be nice and thoughtful, but she doesn't intentionally try to hurt me either.

I am keeping up Plan and and yesterday I bought her a copy of her favourite movie (Bridget Jones Diary) to which she thanked me for. I want to increase the affection that I am showing her (which isn't much right now), but I don't want to come across as needy or clingy. SH suggested that I ask her if I can show some affection and she what she says. In other words let her know that I am willing even though I am not currently doing it.

So if any of the BS out there have seen this type of behaviour with the WS I would like to hear about it and hwo it eventually changed.

Thanks

My wife went through a similar period too. We did an in-house seperation, and for the first week or so she was pretty much vicious. She blamed me for her losing OM, was dealing with her withdrawl, and basically lashed out at any chance she got.

The following few weeks she started to become more civil, but made it very clear that she still planned on moving out and continuing our seperation. We spent very little time together, since it hurt both of us to see how the other person was feeling.

During all of this, I was still doing a Plan A, though I had no idea that's what it was called. I simply did the best I could to help her deal with things, and to deal with things myself.

Finally one evening she was complaining that her back was hurting...so I gave her a massage that very nearly ended up in SF. She got very confused over what she was feeling since she was still in withdrawl from the loss of OM too (in our case, it was EA only...didn't get to PA yet).

The next day we fought, and I got tired of it and talked with a lawyer about what we needed to do for a D. I brought the info home and shared it with her...and told her what she needed to do to take care of herself in that process as well. We cried, but it looked like that's where we were headed. Later that nite, we fought again...but during all of this I never lashed out at her, just tried to get her to see reality. Oddly enough, this was what caused her to 'make her choice'...and that night we began our reconciliation.

Maybe this can give you some insight in how things can work out for you...or some ideas on how you might deal with things.

Owl, it good to hear other BS stories since it give me an idea of what to expect and lets me know that my situation is not unique. I'm happy that things eventually worked out for you and it shows how unstable WS really are. You mentioned your WW became confused with her feelings after the back rub. Well my WW has said that she feels close to me one day and distant the next. I assume these are normal feeling at this stage of the process.

One thing that is encouraging is that my WW doesn't seem to be as angry and frustrated as she was, even before d-day. During that time she was very cold and angry towards me and would get upset if I even touched her. Now she doesn't seem angry anymore, just somewhat distant and I guess confused about her feelings. Throughout all of this I haven't become angry with her and minimized my LB'ers. I think this is what is reciprocating her pleasant attitude towards me.

Prior to d-day she was a loose cannon. I could see she the frustration and anger in her eyse and she would use any excuse to lash out at me and even the kids. I wasn't in full plan A at that point, but was trying. The constant sighing from her was a dead giveaway from her that she was frustrated, andgry and confused. The sighs have almost dissapeard so I assume that the frustration and anger has also diminished substantially.

Yesterday she visited the OM office location and when she came home I was in a great mood and playing with the kids on the floor. I didn't ask about OM and when she told me she was exhauseted, I rubber her back gently for a few seconds. A couple of weeks ago I would have been noticeably anxious and upset that she had seen OM and I'm sure that would make her feel upset and down also. I'm trying not to focus on OM as much and to just focusing on making myself the best person I can be. I figure she will eventually have to take notice.

I'm getting better, but have a long way to go to master this frame of mind and when I do the OM won't stand a chance.

Sounds like you're in a fairly normal progression to me.

I can identify to the frustration and short temper with kids- with little ones at the age we have them it's tough to keep it together on good days sometimes! My wife has been tons better about that.

Yep, focus on being the best you can be. Have you tried a fanatical exercise regimen? I went so crazy a while ago I had to cut back from overtraining (not 18 anymore!) but I look better than I have in 10 years and I've been able to keep it up. It helps kill that anxiety motor you get from being in an uncertain situation. Getting buff never hurts...plus you feel better!

mflake, how did you show your WW affection after d-day, exposure and before her tell all session with you? Did she allow you to meet her EN for affection?

I started to excercise after d-day but I also lost 25 lbs due to this EA diet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Everyone who saw me thought I was sick and kept asking me "what is wrong". I was at 150 lbs at 6 feet tall just 4 weeks after d-day so I looked quite sickly. So I stopped working out on the treadmill since I really didn't need to burn anymore calories. Now that I have put on some of that weight again, I am thinking about starting again. It does help with the stress and allows me to fall asleep easier.

I miss the affection and SF which we haven't had in 3 weeks now. Although I am starving for it, I don't want to initiate for fear of being turned down. So right now I'm just being patient with my WW and seeing if she will come to me. I'm afraid to show much affection with her at all since I'm fearful of being rejected. Prior to d-day I was showing her large amounts of affection and she kept pushing me away. For isntance, I tried rubbing her back one night and she said in a angry tone "can you stop that". Boy did that ever feel like a knife in the heart.

That was one of the clues that something wasn't right and I think it was only a few days prior to d-day. Since then I have almost completely stopped that type of affection to my WW. Sure I will touch her shoulder or back once in a while in a non sexual way, but I don't offer hugs or kisses.

My question is, when will I know that she will be ready for this type of affection again? What are some of the signs?

I don't want her to think that my lack of affection means I don't wnat to be affectionate. Should I tell her this?

This transition stage is a little confusing to me right now and I'm not sure how to meet her most important EN without coming on as smothering.

Any suggestions are welcome...

Let me start my answer by saying this- we have always had a good sex life- I can't remember one bad time. From my point of view it could be a little more frequent but my wife is such an incredible lover I would never complain.

During EA: Had plenty of SF, just physical though, no "love."

D-day/Exposure: Lying in bed after the events of the day she said "I don't feel very intimate right now." I replied, "Neither do I." To which she said, "Then I guess you wouldn't be interested in ****ing me?" Well, you can guess what happened next. One point though: It was just emotional release, no connection.

"Fake" Recovery: Good mechanics (as always), very little intimacy. Frequency down a little. This went on 5 weeks.

Tell all night/D-day #2: basically a repeat of the first d-day with the PA revealed. I did threaten divorce for all of an hour. Lots of emotions, lots of crying, intense SF but with lots of emotion. Almost too much to handle, but in the balance very nice. Maybe there was some territorial instinct with me?

Now we alternate between types of SF, but there is always a loving component to it somewhere that wasn't there for a long long time.

Sorry to be so explicit, but hey, we're all grown ups here. I think SF stuff is probably the most variable part of the recovery- being that everyone's so different that way. My wife has always liked sex, is as comfortable in her body as any woman I've known, takes pride in being able to please me, and expects to enjoy it herself every time.

I would say the emotional part recovered after she came clean all the way and really thought about all the crazy stuff she did and how close she came to losing her family. So, the SF in our relationship never went away, but the little signs of affection did. We were normally so touchy-feely that 12 hours without a hug or a kiss would cause my wife to ask me if something was wrong. The little stuff was more affected by the A, but it's back now.

Another thing...(sorry so long)...my wife has started initiating SF by pleasing me even if she's not in the mood for an orgasm. That never used to happen. I am so appreciative of this of course that I keep getting it. She's trying real hard to be a complete, totally perfect wife.

To not smother: hold hands, scratch/rub back, foot massage. All non-sexual stuff. And...get away for a couple of days with just eachother. Just do fun stuff without any expectations. Act like you could care less about sex...that always gets me laid!

And offer hugs and kisses, however brief and innocent. My son helped us with this...he likes to grab our heads and pull them together to either side of his for a group hug- it's irresistable. Lets us know just how important our marriage is to him, and he's only 2!

Touching...non-erotic, but still touching her.

If you walk up behind her while she's sitting down, rest your hand on the back of her neck. Don't do anything else with it, just rest it there.

Hold her hand if it looks like she won't object.

Neck and shoulder massages are good...so are ones done to the arms and hands (start at the shoulders, and work your way down to the fingertips, while keeping gentle but constant pressure the whole way down...my wife has always said it feels like I'm pulling the stress out of her body through her fingers).

Brush her cheek with the back of your hand. Gently move her hair out of her eyes.

All of these little things allow you back into her personal space, and will have an effect on her even if she doesn't notice it. ESPECIALLY if she doesn't notice it.

Ever notice how guys first start flirting with a woman? They will often START it with this kind of touching...because it's a test to see how she reacts. If she responds positively, it's a sign to go ahead. If she dislikes it, you understand that sign too. Most guys (and girls) don't even realize that they're doing it. It's an unconcious thing.

Watch how she reacts to things you do. If she toosses or touches her hair, or touches her face, or if she bears her neck to you by looking to one side a lot, those are subliminal signals that she's interested in you...or in your wife's case, that she's likely to be receptive to small advances.

Thanks guys that is some great adive that I will try this weekend. I am also thinking of asking my WW out on a date. Hopefully she is up to it and we can go for dinner. If she says yess I will keep it light with no R talk. The object is to have fun and reconnect a little.

Owl, I'm ok with everything you said except the holding hands. For some reason I think she would feel controled if I tried that. It would hurt me if she pulled away from any of my attempts right now. I guess I'm still gun shy from the time before d-day.

You are right about body language. Sometimes when I sit beside her I can tell she is not receptive to me by the way she leans away from me so I just lay off or get up and do something else. I feel like I'm in highschool again!

This would be the first time out alone together since d-day. I hope she agrees to it. If not I will suggest taking the kids along so she doesn't feel pressured.

Sounds like a good idea...and I'd suggest that you make it VERY clear to her that you've got no intentions of having ANY kind of R talk...just time for the two of you to get out of the house and to release some stress.

On the holding hands...I agree...do what you feel makes the most sense for you. You know your wife better than anyone else...use that knowledge to your advantage. I won't lie...I did. And my wife knows it...now anyway. She didn't realize it at the time, but now she realizes what I was doing. And she's glad for it.

We talked some last nite about how we've learned to compromise on things since we had this crisis. For example, our washer is busted and we need to get laundry done. She asked if I wanted to go to the laundromat today after work or tomorrow morning. In the past, I would have insisted that we not do it after work...I would have wanted that time to relax after work. But I know what a priority it is for her to make it happen, so I told her that we could do either. I asked that we not take the kids with us...while it might go faster with their help, that help is very unwilling, and leads to more conflict overall. In the past, she would have insisted that they come and help...now we're going to go and have fun with it instead. And guess what...she called me an hour ago and suggested this...that she take me out to dinner and a movie tonite, and when we get home we'd work together to get it all ready for heading out first thing in the morning to get it done.

So now, I've got a date to look forward to, and she's happy that the laundry will get done quickly and with little fuss and no procrastination on my part.

Long winded, but what I'm saying is that you know what she wants and needs better than ANYONE else...learn to use that to your advantage too. It's really one of the best weapons you've got against the A. THINK about what you're doing...don't just react to anything anymore. While this sounds bad, I don't mean it to be, but here you go...you can use this knowledge of her to help guide her into re-building your marriage. Think about that.