Steve didn't think an emotional affair was underway but he did believe that the relationship was begining to turn into an emotional affair. It was pretty much a bud of an emotional affair that had not blossomed.

Yes, Steve thought is was starting to cross the line or may have already crossed the line or blossomed into an EA. He thinks it could be "nipped in the bud", but I have to cautiously gaurd her love bank and very gradually start meeting her EN's.

Based on what I heard from her phone coversations she was enamoured with the idea of having OM like her even though there were "past issues" with him. At that point my WW said "the past is the past, I'm only concerned with the present". He may have lied to her in the past of done something that she didn't like.

Also when she talked to OM and he told her of a girl that he went on a date with but didn't like my WW replied "Really!!" in a very happy way, almost like she was so happy that she OM was not interested in someone else.

When she talked to him she was SO happy and asked so many questions even saying "Am I bugging you". So I really feel like she has feelings for OM.

It was my WW girlfriend who told my WW that OM "likes" her. She is seperated and may be feeding my WW with the image of a happy single mom.

So tonight is our first MC session with this new MC and I am a little nervous. I hope she is able to get my WW to look at the positives.

My WW has been taking off all her jewlery when she gets home from work including her wedding and engagement ring. On the weekend she didn't even wear her wedding ring.

Last night for some reason, she took off all her jewlery when she got home, but left on her wedding ring. I know it was only one night, but I will monitor it. I'm not sure why she did this since it would have been easy just to remove everything as she had been doing for a week now.

I called her during the day to let her know that our original MC session was cancelled and I considered not rescheduling it until my WW asked me "when is the rescheduled time". I was surprised she asked, since normally I would have to always instigate this topic. She actually showed some interest. I was expecting her just to avoid the whole topic all together.

So I'm still in Plan A even though my WW is not letting me meet many of her EN right now. I'm just trying to be happy, kind, considerate to her without LB'ing. I'm giving her plenty of "space" and just focussing on keeping things pleasant and calm.

Good luck for tonight Hope. If you're like us, you'll both be kind of tense 1st time with a new MC. Just a suggestion that you try to be cool, calm, empathetic etc. Don't rise to her bait/taunts/whatever - it will avail you not. Just soak it up. Is your wife a talker? If so you may want to consider conceding her the floor for the first half-hour before you even say anything other than noncommittal responses. If not, maybe you can get her going somehow. I expect she may have a strong need to be heard out, by you, in the presence of a third party. Best of luck.

CN-

Read the first post..."they have gone out to dinner a few times and he bought my wife something." That is not appropriate. One-sided? Going out to dinner makes me think not- especially more than once.

Hope-

I still think you're totally in the right. You have a right to expect your wife to be upfront and honest with you. Instead of asking you for your sources about her conversations, she should have admitted she said hurtful things.

I see you beating yourself up a bit here and some other posters seem to be encouraging that. Even if nothing was going on and your wife has issues with you, she should have brought those up long ago before those issues became huge.

In any case you shouldn't be the only one being nice. She doesn't "feel" like being nice? Well neither do you sometimes but you do it anyway. Maybe she should give it a try. That comment about the kids liking you better sounds funny too- in a healthy marriage spouses aren't concerned about who the kids love "more."

Well we went to our first MC session last night and it was very sad. Based on last night I don't know if our M will survive.

We were with the C together but the C spent the first 45 minutes talking to my W. She is so hurt by the exposure to her work and family. The C wants her to write down why she feels so humiliated. She also asked us to not ask each other about anything unless for the kids or finances until the next session.

She basically tried to get us to reveal how we felt during all these events. My W cried alot and said some things that hurt me alot (i.e. no emotional attraction to me, wants a seperation, will never forgive me, etc.)

My W was reluctant to go to the second session but the C convinced her to try.

The C tried to focus on some of my strong points and that I am capable of change, but my W seemed resigned. The C really tried to show me how much I hurt my W and I did see that and cried at one point.

I don't know how this will all end up but right now my W has a lot of pain which I don't know if she will ever get over. I hope the second session gives us something to work on.

I wonder if the C wanted us to get the emotions out now to try and start the healing during future sessions. My W cuts are deep and may never heal.

Does this sound like a normal first session?

Hope, when will the MC be addressing your hurt about the emotional affair, the lies, the deceit, the emotional blackmail? I understand that she is "hurt" about getting busted and exposed, but she was not a victim, but a volunteer. She was hurt in the commission of a crime and took this risk. You, on the other hand, did not sign up for this, and were victimized by her affair. When will that be addressed?

ML, I don't know when or if she will address this. You see I think my W is so focused on a seperation right now that maybe my C is trying to buy time with her. In the session she said, "look you have 2 young kids, could you give it some time to see if you feel different". So right now it seems we are in damage control.

Once and if that helps, she might begin to address my issues. But right now it seems as though she tried to empathize with my W and validate her feelings, while trying to get my W to focus on my good qualiites.

My W doesn't care right now about what I do or how I may have been hurt. She is just indifferent and so withdrawn from me. It is like she has already made up her mind to move on.

Hope, to me that sounds like a typical 1st session. Your wife needed to get things off her chest, and MC accomodated that. It hurt you deeply, but I feel pretty sure that it helped your wife a lot. Seems to me that's the way these things go. She has a lot of pain that she needs to unload. (So do you, but you can't unload right now). Over time, as you give unconditional love and soak up the pain, she should hurt you less and less. And you should see a ray of sunshine at some point, which could mark the turning point. Hang in there!

wnh, I hope you are right about my W needing to unload all her pain. I don't know if she felt better, it seemed like she felt worse afterwards. It was really awkward leaving the MC office together and driving home. It was almost like we were in our own little worlds.

I think she is beoming a little more selfish now since she doesn't tell me or ask to do things for herself. Infact in the MC session when the C asked my W if she wants to or spends time with her friends she replied "before I used to ask if it was OK, now I just do it".

I know that driving-away feeling. Very strange. After a few sessions we got more comfortable and, twice, went for a quiet dinner after. But that was before I exposed. Then stepped back to that alienated feeling. Could possibly be getting better I hope? At least we make chitchat now and a couple of jokes. Not sure where it's going..but I think we can do this Hope. Or at least give it a heck of a try.

Personally I feel after 4 months I don't have too much to regret about my own actions re the A. You too? It's a kind of good feeling in a sorry way.

Sounds pretty typical to me. Our first session my wife rated our marriage as 1 on a 1-10 scale! Talk about hopeless sounding!

I think the main thing is that the C is pro marriage.

I felt like crap for the first few sessions, now it's no big deal.

We did MC for the first year after d-day. And she didn't make the choice to reconcile with me for about a month/month and a half after d-day. We had about 3-4 sessions with the first MC before she made her choice to work on our marriage, and I can totally relate to what you described in walking away from those sessions. It almost felt like it made matters worse.

The MC we had at that time had a lot of the right ideas, but didn't really apply them properly...she didn't seem to take into account that my wife was still in contact with OM at that time.

My wife HATED these sessions too...because the MC didn't let her lie about anything, and seemed to be siding more with me than with her (big shock! LOL)

BUT...we kept going, and they DID get easier, and when she didn't have OM to turn to for comfort afterwards, she slowly began to turn to me (somewhat). I think that this was a good beginning for us.

Our sessions AFTER she made her choice were almost always very productive, and while often very hard on both of us, they were worth it. And we created a tradition of stopping for ice cream after the sessions...it was our 'treat' for ourselves for dealing with things.

Hang in there...keep going to the sessions if at all possible, as long as the MC does seem to be pro-marriage. Our first sessions were all driven by my wife with all of her complaints and issues with me...but after that, we began to focus on the REAL problems, since all of her complaints were based on her 're-written history'.

Yes the councilor seems to be pro-marriage, especially when kids are involved. But I got the feeling that she was siding with my W yesterday which didn't make me feel good. I don't know if she was trying to show empathy towards her or really siding with her.

She said she wants me "to really see the hurt I caused my wife". So I guess she may continue on the next session.

She said my W needs to deal with this to get rid of the anger she has. I hope she can be successful.

Here is something to think about. Counselors often try to look at who is having the most difficulty at the moment, which apparently that would be your wife. She does not want to go to counseling, she does not want to work on the marriage; so the counselor sees that he needs to address her issues in order to gain some stability. It might seem like he is taking her side at first, but somewhere a foundation needs to be built to get the most unstable person steady enough to participate in the recovery. Acknowledging the pain you caused her doesn't not invalidate the pain she has caused you. Hopefully the counselor will allow you the opportunity to share your pain once he has your wife on a stable track and she has some trust in the counseling.

Hope, are you not concerned, that the MC is giving your W the impression that there was something WRONG with exposing her? That is the concern that I have here, and that is certainly not an impression that should be reinforced. That only reinforces your W feelings of entitlement and ill-deserved "victimhood." When in reality, the real victims are you and your children.

I know that there is a school of thought that most women are just dumb, hapless victims - no matter what - and are too stupid and weak to take accountability for their actions. Do you have any sense if this MC is one of those?

Do you see that the MC is helping your W become accountable for her choices?

TheRealArt's comments match our experience.

ML, I just spoke to our MC and she said things don't look good. That I may have over stepped the boundaries by complaining to my W work and family.

She said that my wife's interactions with the co-worker were not inappropriate just her seeking to feel good about herself.

I don't like the sound of this and will probably cancel my sessions with her after the next one.

She did say that my wife needs to get her anger out to start the healing.

I'm not feeling good right now...

How in-depth did you describe what you knew about your wife's R with OM to the MC? Did you give them the 'gory details' of what you knew??

Did you explain to them WHY you took the steps that you did? Have you asked them if they'd ever been to this site??

Hope, does the MC understand this was an emotional affair? Refresh my memory, did you talk to Steve Harley?

I suspect that he doesn't have a very experienced, qualified counselor. Maybe Hope can explain how it is that this MC believes her affair was "appropriate" and that she was trying to "feel good." [good thing murder doesn't make her "feel good! lol]