"You might also add that you have the entire thing on tape."

Assuming it's legal to have recorded the event.

Sounds like a plan to me and definitely mention that you have it on tape so you don't get any feedback.

Of course you could always take the approach a friend of mine did once and called the OM with his wife sitting there and he said, "tell you what, why don't you come and get her and the kids right now and I'll pay you $1000 child support a month to take them all." Of course on the other end of the phone he got, "uh, well uh....." and then the OM hung up as the WW was listening on the speaker phone. She felt kind of special at that point.

That cracks me up!

I'd give it more thought. Sending it doesn't seem quite right somehow. Maybe better for you to be a mystery man and keep him guessing about what & how much you know?

The hug thing was perfect, as was your beautiful comment. Part of the reason for her affair (probably) was not feeling beautiful/sexy/wanted by you. Whether that feeling is justified or not, she had it.

Just keep pouring on the nice guy stuff, and really mean it, of course!

HTW here's a nice coincidence; I got a hug today too, 1st time in almost 2 months. Brought a tear to my eye.

That's awesome! Keep up the great work...

If you want a girl to feel beautiful...and special...send her to a day spa. And have them deliver her flowers there...I think that would be just what the doc orderef for me...

well besides the stinking lab tests which were ordered on me today when I did really go to the doc...

anyway, flowers or have them deliver to her a giftcard to Victoria's secret.

What I've learned from lurking around lately on sites the affairees haunt, is that if we want to win...TREAT THE WS LIKE YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THEM!

If you want to heat your life up and send the endorphins into outer space...wait until you see those tell tale signs of accpetance of the WS being nice...like the nice words..and the hug...and then when the feeling is right...

Begin having an affair with your spouse! You can do this guys...us girls would not know what to do! WE'd feel giddy as a seventh grade schoolgirl listening to a Jesse McCartney CD!

Last night my WW came home from work and our dinner was very quiet. I noticed she recieved a gift from one of her girlfriends (the on I like) for her birthday. I asked her about it and she sarcasticly said "you can search it after".

Then she went to help the kids with their homework and was getting impatient with my son who was teasing my DD.

About a half dozen people called to say happy birthday but she refused to talk to anyone.

Then she lay on the couch with her blanket and just closed her eyse for a couple of hours. I don't think she was sleeping just seemed very depressed.

I don't know what she was so depressed about.

Could she have had some contact with OM which made her depressed?

Could she be depressed that it was her b-day but it wasn't a memorable one?

Could she be depressed that she had no contact with OM or didn't recieve anything from him?

I don't know but she was in an awful mood. I really felt bad for her last night. Even with all that she has done, I still can't stop loving her.

This morning it was more of the same.

My MIL wrote her a short letter and left it for her last night in which she said things like:

"think about what you are doing"
"you have chosen friends of poor charachter"
"you have taken 10 years off my life with what you are doing"
"read this letter 7 times"
"your husband and children should be you first priority"

So that probably didn't help her feel any better. So not a very good night considering it was her b-day.

She's "depressed" because she may well actually be depressed. Read about stuff on the "depression fallout" website (I forget the URL). My FWW was in a mid-level depression for years, functional, but not happy.

---Could she have had some contact with OM which made her depressed?

Possibly.

---Could she be depressed that it was her b-day but it wasn't a memorable one?

Probably had a little fantasy about plans with the OM which is now ruined. Not so much fun for her now.

---Could she be depressed that she had no contact with OM or didn't recieve anything from him?

Possibly, probably more concerned about "never seeing him again" or "I lost a great friend."

Or, she could be upset about getting older, common in depressed people.

Your MIL is a gift from God himself. That is a great letter! Let your wife breathe a bit, she's sad because she had to break up with her boyfriend, she's guilty because she knows she was wrong. She probably needs to go to IC to see what led her to this course of action. Remember, her A and her alien behavior are just symptoms of a larger problem.

You need to get her mom and her good friends to encourage her to get some IC. If anyone you know has done that before a shared experience is a good way to get people over the initial "I'm not crazy" avoidance of counseling.

All in all, good signs Hope. Keep it up, you're a good man.

Hopefully she's in an awful mood because NC is in place...that creates the 'withdrawl' you hear people talk about. It's normally typified by exactly this kind of behavior.

IF that is the cause of this, it's actually a good sign. Once she goes through a few weeks/months of this moping and feeling sorry for herself, reality usually starts to slowly come back into her mind. And as long as you can keep doing a basic kind of plan A...she'll normally start to come back to you over time.

That's how it worked in my situation at least.

My WW family is starting to put more and more pressure on her. Is this a good thing or will it cause her stress that will push her more into the fog.

I personally think it is a good idea since they pulled back in September and that only allowed her to continue the A unchecked.

Also is it a LB for me to continually ask if there has been contact between WW and OM.

I have told her that I need to know immediately if there is contact so we can take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. I feel like if I don't ask, she won't divulge the information.

I don't know if the A is ongoing or we are in recovery, but this is a difficult time right now. At least when you know the A is on you have some tools to fight it.

I am not sure that I would ask every day if there has been contact. I think that by asking every day it makes it took easy for your wife to give a rote answer. By asking every now it then becomes more a surpise and you can guage her reaction.

What I wouldn't give for you Inlaws. My own are so worried about my WS being "happy". My SIL is best friends with the OW and has now decided that I am the enemy. I am still rooting for you. I know it's hard. My WH has emotionally disconnected from me. I hope things are looking up for both of us.

I'm not sure about the letter. As hard as it is, focus on your wife and not on the OM. I would think of him like a cancerous tumor that has been cut off of your marriage. You wouldn't want to contact the tumor, would you?

Save your energy for yourself, your kids and your wife. That is more than enough to exhaust most people.

<<<<hugs>>>> cause I know we haven't been getting enough from the ones we want to hug us.

Loni

Hope, is she under the impression that you feel guilty about snooping on her? What is your reaction when she makes sarcastic remarks about snooping on her? And does she know you have a tape of the car scene?

Loni, I have decided against the letter for now. I'm not sure whta the benefit would be.

ML, I think she wants to make me feel guilty for snooping on her, thus the comments. When she makes the comments, I feel anger inside, but I don't get angry. I just tell her that I she needs to rebuild my trust. It is fog talk on her part, but it is upsetting that she can turn it back on me.

Yes she has heard the tape.

ok, that sounds good. I was concerned that she thought you felt guilty about snooping on her and was using it as ammunition against you. So, I take it if she has heard the tape, that slimebag already knows you have it on tape?

Yes I'm almost certain that he knows I have it on tape.

I'm starting to get a little impaitent with this whole situation. Of course patience is the main ingredient of MB, but I'm feeling a little more angry and hurt than before, especailly since my WW is turning things around on me and showing absolutely no remorse.

I know it is way to soon for her to deal with this, but I wish she could just say to me "you know what I did was wrong, and I want to do whatever it take to make things right". That would make me feel so much better.

Instead, BS have the added burden of helping the WS back into the M. I think I just need some time to myself since it is getting depressing coming home to a cold and distant WW every night.

HTW you nailed that one right on the head! Seems to me that avoiding responsibility always makes it worse; not just in As, but also everywhere else in life. I think humankind would be much better off if everyone who had erred could just take a breath, and say "I made a mistake and I'm sorry". And take steps to rectify it. There's something in human nature that wants to take a mistake and make it worse.

Hope, things will start to change when they stop working together as long as she truly ends contact. Right now I think she is holding out hope for the affair and frankly, don't believe she has ended contact. She has probably just gone further underground. But it will be harder for her to hide it when she goes to work at another facility.

Dear HTW,
I have spent the last three hours reading the 34 pages of your story.
Wow, I thought my story was drama, it is pale next to yours. Whether you know it or not, your daily posting of your progress will help so many b/s in the months to come. Thank you for your honesty and ability to share some of the most painful events in your life with us.
I will be pulling for you and your family to make a full recovery.
((HTW))

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

KDS,

Wow 3 hours to read my story! One day I will re-read it to myself. Hopefully it will give other BS some guidance in the future.

Since I really don't have anyone to talk to regarding my situation, I am using everyone on this forum as my "special" friends to vent and gain invaluable advice.

This has become my journal of a BS.

The people on this site are a God send and I will be forever indebted to their honesty, support, guidance, and dedication to marriages, families and the TRUTH!

When I think of angels, I think of people like:

MelodyLane
ark
StillHereMakingIt
believer
brits brat
lemmonman
LowOrbit
Just Learning
Owl
Aphelion
2long
Orchid
Pepperband
Comfortably Numb
mflake
weeneedhelp
bob pure
and the list goes on........

If you had told me 5 months ago that I would be on this site, seeking help for my WW infidelity and M problems, I would have said "yout must tbe on crack".

But this is my life now and this is the cross I have to bear.

I have come to realize that BS alike are a special breed.

They seek to fight instead of run.
They seek to build instead of destroy.
They seek to improve instead of worsen.
They seek to be kind instead of mean.
They seek love instead of hate.
They seek truth instead of lies.

They are not weak or passive, but strong and active.

Faced with life's worst, they exhibit their best.

Inflicted with hurt, they show compassion.

Teeming with fear, they exemplify courage.

People often throw around the word "adversity". That term cannot be used loosely here, for BS are forced to deal with the worst that life has to offer.

Thanks to MB and the wonderful people here, I have learned more that I wanted to in the last 3 months. I have a long way to go, but I am already a much better person for going through it.

I am more patient.
I am more kind.
I am more thoughtful.
I am more respectful.
I am more honest.
I am more loving.
I am more understanding.
I am more forgiving.
I am a better friend.
I am a better father.
I am a better husband.
I am closer to God.

My only hope is that one day the fog clears and my WW sees me standing on top of ark's lighthouse, with arms wide open and love flowing from my heart.