You know Hope the time frame is different for everyone. My guilt and withdrawal lasted about 4 months until I finally told my wife everything out of the guilt I felt.

My brokeness was years later dealing with my sex addiction and I realized I had a real problem I could not fix. I saw the damage and hurt I was causing and I was truly repentant and sorrowful. There was not an ounce in me that blamed anyone else for my faults and failures. A person who is broken you will know by their actions. I snapped into brokeness instantly when it hit me.

For me my wife didn't have to ask me to start NC. I started on my own. I guess the difference with sex addiction is you know what is right, you just aren't following what you know to be true.

Now, I had a friend who had a wife that had an affair and my wife and I followed the affair very close because my wife and I helped break it up. We realized the affair was taking place so we watched and we confronted the wife who admitted it and we disclosed it to the husband after she continued to see the OM. The wife was lost in a fantasy world and would not let go of the OM. The husband had to convince the wife that the OM did not care for her as he did. The husband had to show her that the OM was only out to gratify himself and that his interest was only for him. Once she saw that the fantasy broke and she was able to start letting go. I'm wondering if that is not where your wife. Just like her comment about she misses the comfort of the OM. How much comfort could he have been providing in their limited time together? I think she has more fantasy built up than it is a reality. And somehow that fantasy has to be torn down.

Is there a way to show that this man had no intent of leaving his wife? Or possibly that he was out for himself? Or that he has done this with other women? Anything to prove he is now who he is.

AskMe, I didn't realize it could take that long to fully withdraw from A. I hope my WW sticks around long enough to get through it.

The OM is single and has had other relationships at his work (go figure). My WW is defending him and I don't want to put him down for it my drive her back to him. It is a fine line. We know that he is only there for one thing. Throw in the kids, bills and other problems and he is gone.

My WW can't see that right now. She really misses him or the feelings as you suggested.

I will try the other women angle and see what happens. I don't think it would really bother her right now.

Thanks for you insgight since it is extrememly helpful right now.

You know everyone has a pain threshold before they break. You can only take the pain so long before you have to make a decision on what to do. Did you ever see the movie Castaway? Tom Hanks had a toothache and he put up with the pain as long as he could, but he finally came to the decision that tooth had to come out, so the knocked it out of his head. Your wife has to face the pain until she can't take it any more and makes a decision her marriage is worth it or she does not want to be married. But hopefully what she will see through your actions is that she has an easier place to recover by staying married than she will by leaving. You let her know that by staying married you support her, you love her and will work on the marriage with her. But if she chooses to leave, you will fight against her, you will fight to keep the children and the house. You want to keep the pain on the side where you don't want her to go and keep the pain away from the side where you want her to stay.

You see I don't think she will leave, she may try to have me served with seperation papers and see how I react, but she wouldn't leave the kids. I don't think she would go with OM and the only place for her would be her parents. But they are against what she is doing and she doesn't want to be near them because of her guilt.

I just have a feeling that she has made up her mind to seperate, but I don't know what her plans are.

I have an appointment with a lawyer on Monday morning to see what my options would be. I don't want to be blind sided with this. I would never initiate the seperation, but I want to be prepared in case I get served with the papers.

She may want to do it without lawyers and at that point I will say I don't want to but if she wants to go it is her decision.

I hate this, really I do. I wish my life was back to normal so I could concentrate on other things.

She really doesn't see the hurt she is and will be causing. I just sat and looked at my kids last night and thought what are they going to do if we tell them mommy and daddy are splitting. My son worships me. I love my daughter more than life.

I hate what she is doing to us and our family. It is selfish, selfish, selfish!

If she's a reader you might consider getting "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" by Wallerstein, Lewis & Blakeslee. You could leave it lying around in case she picks it up. Kind of a scholarly study, with statistical tables about the bad effects on kids. Might make her think hard about considering separation or D.

Try not to fuel the separation talk no matter how frustrated you get. I think your wife is getting closer to a breakdown point. She's got to be getting worn out by all of this- no one can run on high emotions for very long. You just have to out last her.

Keep the pressure on and stay tough. You can cry later.

wnh, I don't think my wife would read it. I have left many books lying around including Love Busters and HN/HN. Each time she didn't care to read them. She actually hates it when I read this books because she thinks our case is not a "text book".

I am thinking of trying to persude her to layoff the seperatin talk and just commit to some time with NC to see what happens.

mflake, thanks for putting a smile on my face. You are right, I can cry later. That is a great saying.

It is hard not to get caught up in the seperation talk, but you are right I will just babble back for now.

You may have hit the nail on the head with the breakdown point. She is missing OM and it is painful for her. Maybe her goal of seperation is a way to break free and get back with him.

Regarding the emotions running high, I really feel like mine have been on after burners for a few months now and it is catching up to me. I don't know about her, but she must be emotional unstabile right now.

I have to suck it up for my M and kids right now. It's funny, she says she feels best when she is away from home (i.e. work) and I feel best when I'm at home. I think her dumb friend is condoning the seperation idea since she is also seperated.

I can't wait to hear what her "space" defenition is tonight.

Absolutely, affairs are selfish acts and I was reminded by my wife and I had no choice but to agree. It is a very selfish act and what is left over is hurt for everyone else.

I agree with MFLAKE, try to keep talks about the separation down. But if she forces them, make the separation sound cold and heartless, you won't agree to help her, you won't agree to letting go of the kids, you won't support her in the decision, if she leaves your not sure how you will feel later....make it to be something that would not be an easy choice. On the side, tell her if she stays you will work on the marriage with her. It makes the other side so much more painful. If she feels her parents won't support her leaving you then that is a help.

She needs to feel the OM is the cause of all this mess. If she can get around to seeing that all of this is the result of what happened with him that will help break the hold.

Again, if she sees that he has done this to others. It would be nice to know if he has broke up another marriage.

Keep hanging in there Hope. As I said before, you are winning the battle. You may feel down, but you are doing what is right.

Just journaling...

Last night my WW came home and barely acknowledged me, as usual. My MIL had prepared some food for us so I prepared the table and got a bottle of wine out.

We had dinner and my DS said "Dad come play with me", to which I replied "just let me clean up the dishes first". So he said "let mommy do it, you can play with me", to which I said "that's not fair to mommy that she has to clean up and daddy gets to play with you".

So I started cleaning up while my WW sat at the table with a glass of wine in her hand just kind of looking into space.

After a while she got up and I told her she could play with our kids while I cleaned up. She seemed to be having a good time playing with them. So I cleaned up the dished and made the kids lunches for school the next day(she always complained that I never helped making their lunches). I've been doing this a lot more lately.

Once I finshed, I came over to play with the kids and my WW went to lay on the other couch to rest. Later on she went to work out on our treadmill and then went to bed. I read the kids a bedtime story and then put them to bed.

So it was kind of an uneventful night last night with no seperation talk. I just tried to keep Plan A going.

Although she is very cold and distant, she really hasn't had and angry outburts towards me lately. But she does blame me for things that I really have no control over. Things like the letter her mom wrote her. I'm hoping that indicative of a good Plan A. She spews DJ's alot and that hurts me, but it is to be expected while she is in her current state.

I really hope she is in NC and starts to come out of the fog soon. I know it is still early, but I am always looking for clues that she is trying to warm up to me.

Nothing yet, but as everyone says...TIME and PATIENCE.

It seems your children are the center of focus for both you and your wife, which is wonderful. As holidays approach create conversations with your wife about how nice it would be for your children to have a home they can return to for the holidays where both parents are when they grow older. Maybe somehow those words will sink in. Having a home with both parents to return to during the holidays is blessing. You don't have to run to this parents house and then over to this parents house.

To me that sounds like a successful night. Congrats! A few more like that to come maybe?

Kids are a great help. Your WW will get caught up in all of you playing together eventually and catch herself not thinking about her "problem" at all. Plus, seeing them having fun with you gets you big brownie points.

AskMe, my WW loves the kids very much and I'm a sure that is the main reason we are still together.

In the past I used to get upset with my WW when she LB'ed and I would withdraw from her and the kids. I was a classic CA. By withdrawing it would make her more upset and she would build up resentment. Prior to her A, I could not see the effect of my CA was having on the R. Sure I could feel it was making things worse, but I couldn't rationally analyze it like I can now.

Why am I saying this? Because prior to the A, I would withdraw from her and the kids and that would put more pressure on her. This is one of the things I have learned throughout this crisis. I no longer withdraw from her or the kids and I try not to be a CA. I try and take pressure of the kids off of her by doing things for them that she would normally do.

I have really reconnected with my kids and have built a fantastic relationship with them over the last few months. I know my WW has noticed this. I would love to reconnect with her also, but she is not ready...yet.

I really feel I have so much to offer our R now, but the ironic thing is that she won't let me. So I just plug away at the EN's that I can fill.

wnh, isn't funny that a successful night to a BS can be classified as one in which the WW is STILL cold, distant and indifferent?

mflake, as I was playing with the kids last night and really being affectionate, out of the corner of my eye I could see my WW looking over at us. Who knows what she was thinking.

She has told me she thinks I am using the kids against her. What she can't see is that I have built a stronger more loving relationship with them and they have responded to this. So in her eyes right now, it looks like I'm using them, but it is just one of the permanent changes I have made in myself that has has a wonderful effect.

My WW said she wanted to spend some time alone with the kids this weekend. That kind of hurt, but I will respect her wishes to do so. I hope she changes her mind.

I have the book SAA but my WW doesn't know. I'm thinking of leaving it lying on my night table. It bothers her when I read realtionship books and especailly those about affairs.

For example when I was reading "His Needs / Her Needs : How to affair proof your marriage" She got upset that I was reading a book on how to "affair proof" our marriage. So if she see this lying around, I'm sure it will upset her more.

Is this a LB'er or should I just do it? I don't expect her to read it anyway, but I'm tired of hiding it from her.

******, she's big enough to take it. YOU should be allowed to read ANYTHING you want to in YOUR house.

Who would have known that I, like you, would be here seeking advice to save my marriage.

Thank god and all his helpers for all of their help. If it wasn't for these wonderful group of people, I would have already filed for divorce.

Take care HTW, and hopefully your w/w will wake up and see all that she has to lose.

Oh that's a WS line of crap. She doesn't want you t/d anything good for you. So don't let her babble bother you. If she grunts, tell her you are not reading it for her. LOL!!! That should throw her for a loop. Don't expound on it, just read and make her wonder who you are really reading it for. LOL!!!! If she gets whinny or grumbles, remind her this isn't for her or about her. Why? In reality it is for you.

I replayed the WS words back to his ears. I reminded him that he told me, I could not control him. I reminded him that likewise, he could not control me 'cuz this stuff went 2 ways. LOL!!! Then I got the 'u don't love me?' phrase..... what a nut. I told him that he was teaching me how NOT to love him, that I was a slow learner but catching on. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> That babble tied up his tongue for a few days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hope, a lovebuster is:

angry outburst
disrespectful judgment
annoying habit
selfish demands
independent behavior
dishonesty

How do you think reading a book would qualify as a lovebuster? She is angry because she doesn't like seeing the truth implied about her sleazy behavior, but it is not your job to protect her frm the truth.

Mel and Orchid are on the money!

Just the rantings of a WW...wanting to do everything in her power to justify her stupid affair.

Justification in mind of foggy: "Oh my good..Om he was actually in MY home sitting there and reading a book...a book on surviving an affair. And he's turning the kids against me by spending time with them constantly. How controlling is that?"

That is how THEY see it ok?

My xh said actually, "does this book actually show you how to stop me? How to control me? A book can do nothing...I do waht I want."

Wow. a book threatened him! I guess the BOOK LOVE BUSTED ON ITS OWN...wow, such power in an inanimate object!

Maybe it's like an exorcism or something...lol...maybe the sheer sign of the cover of the book repels the wayward spirit within! And just think what 'd happen if you read aloud from the book...they would have their heads start spinning and then pea soup all over the wall.

She is just giving you HER classic response from HER book..."The handbook for becoming wayward and stupid".

OK Hope,

You know I been following all this for a long time. I feel like I'm there with you.

You have to take a minute and laugh!

If you can't laugh at justpeachy's last post then you may be an alien too.

Thanks for the humor JP!

Best of,
Plank.