I just read MelodyLanes response. I have found her to be very wise and helpful and to the point.

You may want to really consider what she is saying. God answer my prayer about wise counsel for you before I even had a chance to pray to Him about it. Mel is very smart. Talk to her some on your post about it but she does make sense.

Melody, what if she really is in NC and I expose to her family. DOn't you think that will be the last nail in the coffin?

I am so confused on what I should do right now.

My WW is getting so much pressure from her family right now so I'm not sure if that is helping or hurthing the situation. They all suspect an OM.

Hope, the nail is almost in the coffin right now and unless you do something about this, she probably will leave. Her family suspects an OM because common sense dictates it. What you are doing is helping her hide her affair from her family. You are ENABLING her affair. You and I both know that she plans on leaving so she can be with OM, even though she denies it. You don't need her admission to know what is really happening.

Melody, you know I highly respect your opinion. You have been advising me and supporting me for almost 4 months now.

You advised me to expose when it was an EA (maybe a PA but I don't know). She denied, denied and made everyone believe there is no OM.

Her family came down on her hard and she resents me for that. She felt humiliated at her work because of my exposure.

Now if I expose the PA her to her family, they will come down so hard on her and will likely abandon her.

Is this a good apporach? She will feel like I am doing this to punish her.

If I do it, how do I do it so that it does not come accross as punishment?

What benefit will there be if her family abandons her?

What if she is not in contact with OM and just wants out of the M?

I am so confused right now and don't want to make the wrong desicion.

Hope, I believe she does want out of the marriage, but I don't believe for a minute that it is for any other reason than the OM.

And yes, she felt humiliated and was resentful because of your exposure. She is supposed to. You interfered with her affair. You were not likely to get an award for turning the light on in a crack house. [the award comes much later]

The problem here is that you allowed her to make you feel guilty for exposing her affair and she is using it as a weapon against you. She has successfully silenced you by manipulating you with this inappropriate guilt. This has allowed her to continue with her affair because she is pretty sure she has you right where she wants you. And she is right.

So while you are sitting here terrified about making her mad, you are losing your marriage to an affair. Just think about this, Hope, your marriage can survive some anger, it cannot survive an affair. And that is where you are headed right now by helping her hide this secret.

I would also strongly suggest that you set up an appointment with Steve Harley. He will be worth every penny, Hope, and may well help you save this thing.

Melody, I had a session with SH last week and he suggested that I keep the exposure to my WW family in my back pocket. He suggested I not agree with seperation talk, instead focus on a future with a happy M.

I will try to snoop some to see if there is more contact going on which I suspect there probably is.

By no means do I mean to knock SH, but I wonder if he clearly heard how little your wife will listen to ANY of your attempts at demonstrating a happy future. It seems to me that she's flatly refusing to allow herself to consider that in any way.

You might take this concern back to SH, along with the latest bit of news...see if that changes his recommendations for proceeding?

I am leaning on exposing to her family but need help on how to do it.

If I tell her mom tonight then we have the weekend to try and get through some of her anger.

How should I explain this to my WW? How should I tell my MIL and WW family.

This will either kill the M once and for all or who knows...

Please help...

Hope, let me quote a Nike commercial from a few years ago: "Just do it!"

Sit down with your MIL and whoever else and say you have bad news. Take a deep breath, then start at the beginning--your discovery of WW's affair. Things will take their own course from there. Don't sugar coat it and don't try to make excuses for WW. Just tell everyone what is happening and let the chips fall where they will.

Ok Hope, I've tried to be gentle but...

What the H*** do you mean your inlaws "suspect" another man?
They don't know she's screwing him?

You have given her too much slack. She's had to face no consequences. She gets you being Mr. Mom and running around like an a** kisser while she sleeps on the couch!

She is planning on leaving you. She knows it is wrong, so she's justifying it by not spoiling Christmas for the kids.

You started this thread with "Exposed WW last night..what next?" Well, you haven't really exposed her now have you? She gets understanding and love from everyone in her family and gives zero back and you putter around the house hoping she'll snap out of it. You need to tell EVERYONE who cares about her, you, or your marriage that she IS seeing another man. That's right, IS seeing him NOW. AND that she had sex with him, AND that you recorded it. Play it for her mom if you have too. You better turn into one cool mean bast**d by the end of this post.

I like you Hope and I think you're a great father and husband, but you're too nice. Give your WW what she deserves, and who gives a damn what she thinks about it. If she still leaves, screw her, love your babies, and go on to find someone who will respect you- shouldn't be too hard with your qualities.

That's the frame of mind you better be in. Your wife is throwing all the punches and you're standing there taking them. Screw plan A, you've already established that you're a good guy and you've claimed the moral high ground. You better go kick some NOW or watch your family drift away.

I plan A'ed for months, and my wife screwed the OM while I did the f'ing laundry and played with the kids. ARE YOU READING ME? DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Then I ditched the plan A, drove 300 miles and spent 18 hours lining up my "team" and went on the OFFENSIVE. To ****** with what anyone thinks, this is YOUR life and YOUR family and YOU ARE RIGHT. You've made yourself the best man you can be now act like it- unless you like the idea of your wife screwing another man while you wring your hands. Let that crazy woman know your kids will never forget the reason they split holidays is that mommy liked to spread her legs. That's right, be that mean. To h** with LBing, tell the truth.

Don't post back until you've kicked the appropriate amount of butt. I expect a full report. Sorry I'm an a**, but at least I'm an honest and passionate one.

Sorry all of you loving plan A'ers, there was no B in my alphabet. Plan A only served to make me the good guy, a fact no one could argue with in my situation.

Damnit I'm so frustrated with Hope I'm going to kick the neighbor's dog.

mflake,

I feel the same way you do. That is why I have stopped reading the threads of Hope, Dazed and WNH. In fact, I do not know the latest development on Hope's sitch, I just read your post since I have a lot of respect for your views. It seems to me that too many BS on this board believe that Plan A stands for Appeasement. What they don't realize is that their fear of upsetting their WSs is precisely what will cause the demise of their M.

I am glad you posted here though. Though I am not reading these sitches anymore, it is good for the original posters on the afore-mentioned threads to hear the voice of reason from time to time.

Well the dark secret has finally been unleashed.

I just spoke with my BIL and after him suggesting I hire a PI and follow my WW I couldn't take it anymore and told him the truth.

He was shocked and extremely pissed at his sister but knew something wasn't right. He will tell everyone else in the family and said he will come over tonight to talk to my WW.

So it is done, her PA has finally been exposed to her family and let the cards fall where they may.

mflake, I think you are right, I have been trying to be "nice" to my WW for to long. She needs to understand that her actions have consequences and I will not just lie there and take this anymore.

I don't plan on LB'ing but I need to regain my self-respect.

I keep thinking of what bob pure would say "what would you do if you weren't afraid?". Well I'm doing it! I am no longer afraid of what might happen.

So I expect this weekend at my house to be prety frigid place. I just get the feeling this will accelerate her leaving.

So now that I have exposes I need a plan.

My WW will most likely tell me it's over and she is leaving or she will file for seperation papers.

How should I handle this?

I need a response to what I may get from her.

Broken record time aggain...

I can't stop you from leaving...you're an adult, and that is your choice. BUT...you're NOT taking the kids. If you choose to leave, then coming back is going to have to be something we discuss (plan B prep time coming in there...)

I love you, and don't want to give up yet...leaving, divorcing, these are YOUR choices, and not mine. That means I'm not going to do one thing to support either of these choices...if you want a divorce...then you'll have to make it happen...I'm not going to support that choice, because I know that our marriage still has a chance to become a GREAT marriage.

She's going to be FURIOUS...why did you do this to her?!?!?!? (my response: Because I can't live in a lie any longer...you might have been comfortable lying to everyone about what was going on, but I was not, and couldn't take the lies anymore).

She'll try to say that you shouldn't have told them!!! (response: Why not? What am I doing wrong here? What do I have to hide from them? And if you feel that it wasn't my place to tell them, please remember that this is OUR marriage. That while you feel that it's YOUR issue if you're seeing another man, it's OUR problem...not just yours. And part of the solution here is being honest with our families and friends...I'm no longer going to enable your affair by helping you hide the truth).

Try to be calm and loving, but at the same time, do NOT accept blame that she's going to assign to you for this...simply remind her that YOU aren't the one having the affair, she is. And simply tell her that the way to solve ALL of this is to do what she's been WANTING to do this whole time...stop the affair, and come home and help fix your marriage.

You're going to need to be a duck...let EVERYTHING she says wash over you without letting it get to you...it's going to be HARD, she's going to be UGLY to you...and it's likely to continue for a few weeks at least if she's TRULY ending it with OM.

Prayers are going up for you.

Oh Heck, HOPE,

You know the answer. You let her rant. You let her vent and you do NOT let her cross your boundaries. Don't feed the flame, put some cool on it instead. You have LOST your marriage, that is what everyone has been trying to tell you. The only issue is whether the two of you want to make a new one.

Let me ask you this. Knowing what you know now would you consider marrying your W if you were NOT married to her? Does she reflect the values you would like your children to grow up with? Does she provide a sense that you can count on her if you or your children were ill or some misfortune struck your family? Is she someone you are proud of?

Until she is all of these things, you have lost NOTHING if she does leave. She can change, she can grow, mature and learn. BUT SHE HAS TO DO IT. You may have work to do as well, I would suggest that you have been too passive in your marriage. I am not saying you should become a tirant (sp) to her or your children. But you should be a man with boundaries that you enforce and that are well understood by all of those around you.

So my suggestion is focus on yourself, what your boundaries truely are, and defend them, NOT yourself. You have finally done the right thing, and quit being the shill for your W.

Let's face it the OM is not getting a gem, and she is not getting one in him. They both think cheating in a marriage is just fine and justified so guess what will happen to their marriage IF in the small chance they do marry?

Stand firm, stand for your values and morals, and remember YOU at this point are the only one that can offer your children a positive role model. Do it. Focus on the kids, your boundaries, and your life. Let her worry about her's.

God Bless,

JL

Hope,

I'm here for you! It's now time for me to watch you, for I think my situation (at some point) will follow yours. I'm not sure, ...but I will be thinking of you my friend, this week-end. God bless! Be strong! When you see your WW screaming at you, picture her with a big alien "bug-eyed" head, and know that your wife is just on vacation somewhere!!

My WW said she lost respect for me and now is the time to gain some of that respect back.

As far as I am concerned this M is over and dead. I cannot live with a lie any longer and my WW needs to understand that her actions have consequences which now will start to unfold.

This may play into her hands as she was seeking a seperation all along, but now there is no question as to why she is seeking it.

Everyone was asking me what is wrong with her, why does she want to leave? Well now the dawn will rise on her A and expose it to the light of day. She can't hide behind the lies anymore, she can't manipulate the story.

I'm sure she will try to deny or twist the story, but the lies are piling up on her quicklly now.

She may leave just to escape the guilt, the shame, the pressure.

I have realized that I was good at using the carrot of Plan A, but lacking when it came to the stick. Well, it time for the stick now.

I don't know how this will all unfold, but I am already starting to feel better about releasing this burden from my shoulders.

She may never come back to me, but she is already lost right now.

I feel very sad, but somewhat relieved...

HTW

Well God sent a full army of advisors to you. I think the results are overwhelming. You are and have done the right thing. Don't worry about hurting her. Take care of yourself and be strong.

Hope, you got some great advice here and I hope you pay close attention. Please do not allow her to manipulate you with guilt for exposing her this time, ok? The lzst time she used your own guilt as ammunition against you. You are not the guilty party here, she is the guilty one for committing adultery, lying and attempting to destroy her family. Please keep that in perspective.

Just had a long conversation with my MIL and she is furious. She had suspected something all along but it so furious that her daughter flat out lied to her when confronted. She lied to her whole family and they are close to disowning her.

My MIL watches our kids for us when they are not in school and she is so pissed that my WW has decided to place her A ahead of her family. She is embarrased and ashamed of her daughter.

I made it clear this is not to punish her but to reveal the truth and expose the lies and deceipt that fuels an affair.

I told her I want to recover our M but that my WW needs to want to do so also. If my WW decides to leave, she will get zero support from her family.

Both my BIL's want to "TALK" to OM and discuss what his intentions are.

This is going to get ugly very quickly. My feeling is my WW makes a decision to leave since there will be so much guilt, shame and pressure.

She will HATE me like never before, but I don't care anymore. This needs to come to a head. If she decides to leave, I feel I am in a position now that I can survive.

I asked her family not to get angry and yell at her, but to make her fully aware of the consequences of her actions. That I want build a new marriage, but only with her full committment.

Melody, I will not be manipulated this time...absolutely not!!!