Also, do they know you have her on tape?

I have offered to attend if they would like me there and yes they know I have her on tape.

I don't think your W can successfully spin them, do you? She hasn't been able to do so up until now. Either way, it really makes no difference in the long run.

I wonder if that really matters at this point...It sounds as if she is being open about her A and her plans to separate - I don't think evidence really matters.

Laws vary from state to state (or province to province) but as far as I know, most places in NA call for 50-50 distribution of all assets accumulated during the union.

My reason for posting here is that I think you need to start planning an equal distribution with WW and get her to buy into this ASAP, with as little hassle as possible. If not, there will be heavy litigation and the lawyers will get all the assets <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> (apologies to those in the legal profession if this offends, but when a friend of mine was divorced a few years back, the end result was that both halves of the couple wound up getting less than the lawyers). I'd rather see the kids get it.

Did you consider what I told you about taking her up on her offer to move sooner rather than later?

ML, by doing this, does it make me look like I have given up? I'm just trying to see how this will play out.

Well, really it does matter because she is still denying her affair and has tried to deny it to her family in the past. And has done so successfully.


I don't think he should plan on splitting up anything unless he has to. That is my point. He should not make it easy for her to leave him or divorce him. That doesn't help anything. He should not accommodate or fund her affair with family money unless he is forced to. Often, in these situations when the WS sees that it is not going to be handed over them without consequence, they are not so quick to tear up a family. He should not help her in any way.

Hope, Plan B is not giving up at all. I think that you will have to execute both Plan A and Plan B in order to salvage your marriage. You have been in Plan A long enough and she has been allowed to cake eat for quite some time now. Now, she is biding her time and slowly plotting the demise of her family at her convenience. She has no notivation to stop her plans because she knows yo uwill put up with it. Plan B puts the control back into your hands.

Why not contact a lawyer, make sure of your options to keep your home and children. Considering she is the one who wants to leave and is also the unfaithful one, I would think it would be difficult for her to force you from the home. Eventually in a divorce settlement things would have to be divided, but maybe once she was out of the house and got a dose of reality, maybe she would come to her senses. Sometimes getting what you want is not the green pasture you think it is. Not only is the grass brown, it's full of crap. I'm with Mel, it's the holidays....time to act.

Hope, Askme has a good idea about contacting a lawyer, but outside of that, I wouldn't even mention divorce or lawyers at all. If anyone introduces this into the discussion it should be HER. Remember, you don't "do" divorce, you only will only discuss recovery.

Great work Hope. You sound like a new man (whether you actually feel like it or not).

I think you can count on continuing support from your inlaws because they like you and you are the father to their grandchildren/niece/nephew. You've been a nice guy long enough to show them your stripes and they respect you for it.

Your WW will try to twist things around at their meeting. Don't be surprised if there is some sympathy for her and some agreement about your annoying qualities. In the long run though your inlaws will be on your side- none of your shortcomings justify her actions.

One inroad with your WW maybe? The part about "I can't come back because everyone will think 'what's he doing with her.'" I take it your WW is very stubborn and slow to admit her mistakes and that she has always been that way (my guess) so that may be her way of leaving a crack in the door.

There is still hope so walk the fine line between hope and toughness. My wife faked recovery for 5 weeks remember, yours may not be willing to do that. In any case you just keep being you whether you think she's faking something or not.

And do not make it easy on her to leave- don't make it too hard either.

So there you go...keep being a good dad, be happy, be productive, fight to keep your family intact, be the rock...and nevermind the part about your gut eating you up every day and your head spinning with craziness. It's simple!

This morning I LB'ed with my WW but it produced a positive result. I told her that I might be late from work tonight to which she let me know she had her IC session with the anti-marriage counsilor. She said should I cancel it to which I replied "you are already leaving so what is the point?".

So I just sent my WW and emial apologizing for the comment and said I would watch the kids if she still wanted to go.

She replied "I already cancelled the session, but thanks anyway".

I'm LB'ing more now and agree that Plan B is needed soon.

And I agree, don't say divorce, I only mentioned it because she is pushing for separation. So for planning purposes a lawyers advice would be good to know what to do in case she seeks legal action.

She needs to see reality of being on her own. Or at least feeling the reality of knowing that you are making her face that choice.

How is that a lovebuster?

Hope, a lovebuster is:

Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Annoying Habits, Independent Behavior and Dishonesty


While that is not a lovebuster, I would agree with you that it is time for Plan B. I can tell that you are growing very weary of all this. Not only that, but your Plan A has gone on for a very long time and it is only helping her stay on the fence. Plan B will very likely yank her off that fence.

Hope, I like what you said to her. Why did you apologize? Do you feel you must apologize for saying anything that doesn't appease her? You do realize that appeasement is not the goal here, right?

mflake, you make some excellent points here and I will talk to my BIL about letting her know that there is a way back if she chooses. I have told her this many times, but maybe she needs to hear it more from her family.

I want to keep that door open for her, but ultimately she needs to want to walk through it.

I'm no expert, and certainly haven't seen as much as many folks on this board, but...

I don't believe in Plan B. I don't think I could handle it. Actually let the WS play "house" with the OP? Yuck. I guess I'm just not the kind for it. I believe if you're going to work on marriage you do it in your house and your bed.

I don't know, this board has several folks who have been in plan B forever, sitting around hoping their WS comes back while letting them **** like bunnies with the OP.

Doesn't make any sense to me. Let her family thing take over for a bit and see what happens.

Oh yes hope...tell her "I've always been proud to be your husband and will continue to be." (IF you mean it, I think you do). Then she has no doubt you'll take her back.

mflake, Plan B is a tried and true Marriage Builders principle. Plan B is just as important - and effective - as Plan A. There are many marriages here that would not have been saved without it. Mortarman and Mimi are two that come to mind.

Plan A that goes on too long is extremely harmful to the marriage because it causes the BS to fall out of love [from chronic lovebusters] and allows the WS to carry on their affair umimpeded becasue they are protected from the consequences. I am here to tell ya that it can be extremely effective.

I know it has worked melody, and I don't believe in forever Plan A either. I just couldn't handle the Plan B thing myself, so I kind of skipped it in my situation.

The falling out of love part depends on the BS...I think I probably did with my FWW, I certainly had no respect for her. But she is proving herself worthy of love and respect again and I wouldn't trade her for anything now.