ML, are you suggesting that I ask her to promply go through with her plan to leave?

Well, remember, the whole intent of Plan A ( I think) is to make changes for your OWN SELF (and if the Wayward sees them along the way and shows remorse and committs to the marriage, GREAT !!!, but that is NOT the primary purpose, as remorse and committment WILL not always happen).

I think it is a "fine line" of dictating what you will do based on actions from your Wayward Wife. I would much rather make decisions based on what is going on inside me. When you entertain things like having an affair, being "broken", being in "******", I think something needs to be done, BEFORE either you A) Stop giving a $hit and get a Divorce, or have an affair. It is my impression that you are gettign dangerously close to these choices, so a "change" may be in order.

I don't profess to be an expert, so in the end this decision is on you.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ML, if she is on the fence, why is she preparing to leave? That tells me she has made her decision already. How do I get her to leave ASAP without LB'ing or making it seem as though I am pushing her out?

I want her to know that I would love for her to stay, but only is she wants to and wants to work on the M, but if she doesn't want this then she move ahead with her plan to leave.

How to I present this to her?

Hope, I don't think she is as decisive as you seem to think. If she wanted to leave, she would be gone already.

You tell her this by saying that you would rather she leave now than later because her daily presence is causing you great pain. Let her know that you would rather she stay, of course, but only to work on the marriage. Since she has decided to leave, you would prefer she leave now.

See, it would be a huge wake up call for her to spend the holidays alone in her own apartment. This will be helpful in waking her up.


Yes.

The advice against Plan B. Plan A was not meant to be a lifestyle, but a strategy designed with ONE PURPOSE and one purpose only: to bust up the affair. I haven't seen you give him advice counter to MB.

That's what I thought.....thanks, even a simpleton like me gets it "right" occassionally.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well I just spoke to the lawyer I will be seeing on Friday and after a few questions from him he asked "is there someone else involved because frankly this has all the earmarkings of an affair". He said there is one spouse committed to working on marriage (me), her wanting to move out and not putting the kids first are clear signals or someone else in the picture.

He also said how is she going to get half the equity if you don't sell the house? This will get interesting very soon.

Hope, this is good planning, while still trying to save your marriage. It's always good to be prepared to understand your legal rights. A lot of times it will help to put your mind at ease. Even the lawyers question, "how is she going to get half of the equity if you don't sell the house?", well she can't unless she chooses to divorce you or you both agree to sell the house, which I'm hoping you don't choose to do.

I told her I won't sell the house but would consider splitting assets. If I now say I refuse to do this she will be enraged and may do the following:

1 - Unwillingly stay and make my life miserable
2 - File me with seperation papers
3 - Just move out

I think she would go with option #2. That is why I need to have a good plan with some legal advice. I don't want to go that route but I will be able to sleep better.

Hope, Don't make it easy in the beginning. I wouldn't freely tell her that I would be willing to split the assets. I would make her think that I was going to put up the fight of my life.

Now, granted in the long run of a divorce, and she does not need to know this part, if it got down to the end and she would not back down from the divorce then it's time to take the lawyers out of the picture and settle things without loosing everything you have.

How about this plan? You are unwilling to do anything except defend yourself, if need be, and work on your marriage. You are open to either option. You are not willing to sell the house. You are not willing to split anything. Not even a loaf of bread. Not one stick of furniture should leave that house without a court order.

Do not volunteer your head on the chopping block, ok? Don't participate in the destruction of your family or your home. Your job is to PROTECT and DEFEND your marriage and your family, not volunteer to aide in its' dismanteling.

So, do nothing. Participate in nothing. Just be prepared to defend yourself if she does file seperation. Talk to the lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Protect all your assets from her plunder.

But DO NOT contribute to your own demise. If she wants to destroy your family, make her do all the work. Don't help her.

Hope:

My FWW was at this exact crossroad. I told her after she put down her deposit on her apartment that she could either stay home and redeem herself as a Christian, and Wife, and a mother or she will be labeled forever as an adulterous wife who left her husband, her kids, her dog, and her God for the OM. I pleated with her to not leave and to choose the path of rightiousness. I said she will be frowned on forever by her brothers and sisters and her children will never accept her other man since he was not much older than them.

I reinforced this with telling her I was going to expose her to everyone at her work and to her parents. I told her everyone who knows her will know her as an adulterious religous hypocrit. I then said you must now make your choice. She chose to stay at the house but the threat had to be told to her again before she finally quit her job.

The fog is so thick, they can't see straight. She lied to her favorite SIL and her Brother. She was addicted to the OM.

When things seem the darkest, don't give up all hope.

TooSoon

Hope:

This is the best post that I have ever read here.....GD, that girl knows what she is talking about, even though I hate her soooo much <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Follow this advice and you have protected yourself all the way around. If she wants to come back to the marriage and commit to a recovery plan...great, IF not, then you make her get this divorce and earn everything along the way.

Wayward Spouses when you boil it all down are weak cowards,,,,they don't have the "bone" to go the distance. Sack up here, show her "love" by giving her exactly what she "thinks" she wants....she'll have to figure it out this way, as the other more "gentle" ways have not worked.

I always suscribe to the theory, "be careful what you ask for...you just may get it". Your next plan will prove this to be correct yet again.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Don"t hate me just because I'm Texican. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

In what state can you file "seperation"?

She can only force you to seperate is to file for a divorce. I did everything you are doing and would not AGREE to anything other than trying to make it work...

And as far as dividing assets....they add up everything...the EQUITY in house (BASED ON FAIR VALUE!!)...the cars minus loans..teh FAIR value of furniture ,funny thing her lawyer said "garage sale values"...less joint debt....mortgages...and she gets half..as a result of her divorce....until then she can leave...or file for an order of protection (talk to lawyer about this ..she may suddenly "fear" you...)..and you're out...she is not entitled to half of anything until a judge says so...by law she is entitled to EVERYTHING in a joint account...she can wipe you out....so cancel all credit..you have begun to protect your emotion...now prtect your "stuff"

Here's to hoping it doesn;t come to that...

Normally I don`t pick up on long threads like this but I read this one...the whole long thing. Took me awhile too.

The reason why I took the time to read the whole thread was from about the second page I figured that this was not an EA but in fact a PA...from DAY ONE.

I read page after page waiting to see when the other shoe would finally drop. It took a while but it finally did.

This is just my opinion but I do believe that it was a full blown PA from the start...from the beginning of these posts anyway.

I believe the fact that you became so upset over an EA....that her family became so upset over an EA....that her employers got their knickers in such a twist over an EA that your W was postively petrified to tell the truth. Her solution was to distance herself from everyone. Hence her comments about moving far far away.

I believe this is also why she wanted to stop counseliing with the Harleys. They were on to her.

When your W saw the reaction from family and coworkers over an EA she knew her goose was cooked. And that`s why she has been so uncooperative in the recovery process. The OM is the only person not furious and disappointed with her. So that`s who she`s hanging on to.

I do believe that you can turn this around. I think that perhaps if the people close to your wife...the people she loves and respects the most give her hope that she can be forgiven she may come around.

Your W has made a terrible mistake. But she can rectify it and regain her family`s love and respect. This is the what the whole family should try to get across to her. She is still worthy of their love/your love.

I agree with Melody don`t make anything easy for her. But don`t shut the door on her either.

Darn it, I wanted to say that but couldn't do it the right way. Nicely put Daisy.

I'd like to make an observation, and something of a 'confession' on this...

I have recommended to many people that Plan B might be their best course of action...and for many people, that would be a very viable option I think.

I had the option to set the stage for a plan B in my case...my wife was all set to go live with OM, and there is still no doubt in my mind that it would have lasted no more than a few months...if not a few weeks, and she would have been more than ready to come home.

BUT...

I too am one of those people for whom plan B wouldn't be an option. I told my wife very clearly that if she left and got on that plane...if she'd gone to be with OM, which I KNOW would have lead them to consumate their EA to a PA, I would NEVER take her back. Not EVER...not as a wife, as a friend, not as any part of my life again. I told her that if she went to be with him, I'd not ever be able to look at her and not see her with him...and that there was no way she'd be welcome back after that.

Now, in my case, that was actually part of what ended the A...because my wife still loved me (while not 'in love' with me...you know the drill), and she'd envisioned this future where we were all happy together in some wierd way.

But that was the truth that I'd given her...I wouldn't have taken her back after that. Call it pride, call it whatever, but it was a limit that I'd set, and I firmly meant it.

I don't think that everyone IS capable of plan B...but, if they can't do that, they do have to be willing to accept the other options that leaves them.

HTW- You might be coming to a point where you're going to have to make those kinds of choices friend. If you're losing love for her this quickly, you're going to need to decide what to do to either save what you can of that love (plan B?), or to take the steps you need to in order to protect yourself and your kids.

Regardless, my prayers are with you friend.

ML, I will talk to my lawyer on Friday and have him counsel me on how to protect myself against my WW.

Then I will let her know that I will not take part in the destruction of our M and family. The rest will be up to her.
If she decides to work on the M they I will do everythig possible to help her and make her happy.

What happens if she then does nothing and we continue with the status quo. My LB will drain and I will loose all my love for her.

I don't know if I can take that.

Can she force me to leave the house?

This is really getting bad now..

Hope, if she doesn't want to work on the marriage, then I think its Plan B time, don't you?