SendMe, I noticed that you are getting M early in 2006. Will it be with your FWS or someone new?

I sense that my WW is being just a little nicer to me lately. It is almost iperceivable, but it's giving me an uneasy feeling almost as tough she is up to something.

Just some very small things that I have noticed that make me suspicious, esecially since she wants out of the M.

I am a little anxious about her meeting with her family tomorrow knowing she will try to manimpulate them.

Daisy, you may be right about the PA starting earlier. One day I would like to know the whole story

I have let family know that I Love her and want to recover our M and need their help. They know she needs to be forgiven, but I don't think they will do that unless she comes clean and repents.

Well I had my session with my lawyer and briefed him on the situation.

He suggested that time is on my side and that if I want to stay married (and I can stand it) I should just stay put and tell my wife that I'm not interested in disrupting my family or the kids and not interested in selling the house.

Boy that sounds a lot my Melody <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Since most of my equity is in our home she can't get to it without selling it.

He said to keep a journal and maintain the relationship with my kids.

He said just stay put if you can stand it.

He said she can't force me out of the house as long as I have never hit her.

He said she can't force me out with a LS either.

So I'm feeling better this morning, but I'm still anxious about my WW's meeting with her family tonight.

Last night I saw a floor plan my WW had for a new home and asked her about it. I asked if this means she is giving up on us and she said "no, just looking".

Then she got upset with me cause her niece and nephew know about the A and thinks my parents will eventually find out. Then she said "one day my kids will know and what will they think of me". At that point she started crying. I just let her think about that for a while.

The she said she doesn't like the 50/50 custody idea with the kids. I told her that I can't agree to a seperation until we look at all options of saving our M. She said she doesn't get me that one day I say she can go and then I say I won't agree to a seperation. So I think I have to really stick to the message of recovering our M.

Stick with the message. You cannot participate with the divorce discussion with her IMO. Just like someone said earlier. You do marriage, let her do divorce if that is what happens. Stay positive as best you can. I know it sucks, but stay positive.

Remember Plan B if you choose it, is not giving up, Just the next step if needed. Even if you choose Plan B, go with it with the idea that you are doing it to save your marriage. Stay focused my friend and on task.

Let her know that if you do get divorced, EVERYONE is going to know about her. What then?

I would explain to her that she doesn't need your permission to go. And you are exactly right, you just need to stay on message.

Have you not told your parents about her affair?

Exactamundo! Yes, even her children should be told.

I will stay on the message and see where that takes me. She must know that I am 100% for the M.

Mel, no I have not told my parents yet. I just fear the outcome of that. I don't need more people telling me to dump her and get on with my life. It is hard enought dealing with this without that happening.

Eventually they will have to know.

It's not about people telling you to dump her and get on with her life.

It's about people telling her to knock off her stupidity, grow up, and start taking responsibility for and fixing the damage caused by her heartless actions. It's about putting the pressure on HER...not you. You should let her go to them...but make sure that they know the truth. So that they too can put pressure on her to quit acting like a spoiled princess who is only interested in what makes her feel good at the expense of anyone around her.

Sorry...it's Friday, I'm tired, and the gloves are off today.

I just talked to my BIL about the family meeting tonight.
I told him that my goal is to recover our M and keep our family together. He said that is what her whole family wants and they will let her know that the A (if still on) will never be accepted and that she should focus on her family.

He said they can't change her feelings but she needs to understand the consequences of her actions.

I told him feelings can change, but it takes time and it won't happen if she is still in the A.

He is really concerned with our kids more than anything and wants the M to work for their benefit.

I may get called over if they want to talk to me. So we will see.

Hope-

Got on this late because I've been thinking about tonight for you for the last few days. I hope you're having a better time of it and that's why no post this evening.

I'll check back later.

So how did the family meeting go friend?

My WW met with her family Friday night for about 3 hours.

From what I understand after talking to my MIL and BIL is that they let her know that they will never accept OM in the family and she should think about what she is doing. They told her all of the reasons we should try to make this work including how good of a guy I was and for the kids. They didn't yell at her but tried to reason with her while letting her know the consequences of her actions.

My WW basically said that she has no feelings for me and that she knows what she is doing. She has just closed me off and built up this huge wall around herself.

She wants to seperate after the holidays but she doesn't want to talk about it until then. I told her that I want her to stay but will not force her to stay.

She doesn't want me to stay in the house because it makes her look like she is abandoning the kids.

She even asked me to leave the house to which I said NO.

She said after we seperate she will do councelling with another concelor. I don't see the benefit in coucelling while seperated.

She said she is just not happy with me and wants to be free.

She feels like I am smothering her.

Then she said if I would be her friend if things don't work out between us to which I said "I am your husband...I can't just be your friend". I don't think she liked that.

It doesn't look good at all and I think I am starting to realized that maybe it can't be saved. It is sad really.

So that is basically it. I really think there is no chance until OM is out of picture. Right now all she see is a perfect guy in him, he needs to start fumbling a little.

That's it right now.

Those two things above stood out to me. First she is abandoning her marriage. It doesn't matter where you are, the statement speaks for itself. She is trying to make you look like the bad person by having you move out. I would budge from there if if tractor trailers had chains on me trying to pull me away.

Second, if she is not happy, why does she want you to be free. Seems like she would want herself to be free. That is like saying, honey I'm trying to make this easy on you, so why don't you leave.

Actually, my WW wants to be free not that she wants me to be free.

And I will not budge from the house just so it makes her feel better.

Hope I aggree with AskMe

This is just babble still coming from an alien. She is not herself and you know it. I am sure by now her family knows this also.

I regret to tell you this, but this is identical to my SIL when she left her husband. I mean carbon copy down to family siding with her husband.

The one mistake my former BIL made was not making his wife move out. I did not know it at the time but Plan B is what he should have done looking back on it. She stayed and ate cake during the holidays and then bolted after Christmas.

If she is unwilling to break contact with OM I think it is time for Plan B. Get some advice from others, but she is not going to heal if she is still in contact with OM.

My SIL would never break contact. Maybe a strong Plan B during the holidays will shake her up a bit.

If you are already doing that I must have missed it in a previous post. If not, consider implementing.

Oh BTW, she does not care about your freedom. It is all about Her, I promise you that.

Well Hope it looks like all you can do is let her go about her business. Always remember you are on the right side of this situation and keep your wits about you so you can remain there.

I know you're not a happy man now, but you are a better man than ever. Love your kids and don't leave your home for anything.

So how does she plan to tell the two little ones when she leaves? I can't imagine my kids if my wife left. I think the idea of them not having a complete family kept her from going off the deep end long enough for us to start a recovery.

This kind of crap screws kids up for life. I saw it all the time when I was a HS teacher...the best the kids can hope for is two decent parents who live close by and get along pretty well- and even then there are problems. What is it with these people who can't realize this? Maybe you could get her family to keep hammering that at her? Or some friends with kids?

My wife imagined us being best friends after she moved out...and she too was really distraught when she realized that I couldn't see the same thing happening.

I agree with the advice you've been given. Don't move out. Continue to do a decent plan A for as long as you can, without seeming 'needy' or whatever...and be ready for a cold, dark plan B when/if she does move out.

And whenever she makes those foggy comments about 'She doesn't want me to stay in the house because it makes her look like she is abandoning the kids.'...tell her bluntly...'But you are. You're leaving me and them for OM. There is NO other way that anyone other than you can see this situation...and the only reason you can't see it is because you refuse to let yourself do so. Everyone else sees it. Stop lying to yourself to make yourself feel better...these are the real consequences of your choices.'

Still's WW interpretive service at the ready...



This is exactly how Plan A and Plan B work.

Plan A:

Exposure (you've done this well, and that family of hers...bravo)
Fulfill her EN's (Do as well as you can, you may be running low soon though...concentrate on only her top 3)
Cut out all LB's (I've seen you do this well, keep up the good work)

But it appears it may be time to move to Plan B...

Plan B:

Creates an environment where WS has to have all their EN's fulfilled by other people, and they are sorely lacking.

No contact with WS until they can PROVE NC with OP. This may take a change in jobs, or change in locale...

Hope, you are ripe for Plan B. And the timing is sort of critical because you need the leverage that the holidays provide. I would take her up on her offer to move but insist that she make the move now. She is planning on doing this, but wants to do it the easiest, softest way which will cause her the least amount of guilt. I would not accommodate her there. Tell her you are ready for her to leave now as you need peace from this daily torture.

I would also make it clear to her that you won't be selling the house or allowing any furniture - or children - to leave the house.

Time to move forward, Hope. She desperately needs a wake up call.

Thanks everyone for the wonderful feedback. It defenitely helps me understand the true nature of a WS.

My WW just called me to see if I can pick up the kids from preschool today since she was supposed to but has a meeting that conflicts. Of course I agreed since I will do anything to help and be with my kids.

Then I abruptly said "OK I got to go...talk you later". First time I let my WW go first in a conversation in a long while. It felt good. I will start doing that more often.

STMI, thanks for decifering the WS comments. I don't feel as bad when we understand their true meaning.

I've been following your rollercoaster ride over on the Recovery board and wish you all the best. It sounds like you are starting to become more comfortable with yourself. Keep it up.

On the weekend we had a conversation where my WW started pointing out my past flaws...AGAIN, but this time I didn't take it sitting down.

At one point I said to her "you make me sound like I was an absentee dad" to which she replied "You are a much better father now, infact you are the best dad I know". That made me feel good, but I wish she would also say that I was the best husband she knows.

The one strange thing is she still treats our kids very well when she is around them. She says she thinks I am using the kids against her when in fact I am just being the best dad I can be. So I wonder if she is just doing this so she doesn't look bad in the kids eyes or she truly does want to. How could you truely have the kids best intentions in mind when you want to seperate? That just doesn't make any sense to me.

I also told her that I feel like a piece of the furniture and she was very suprised and said "I don't treat you like that".