Oops, posted on the wrong thread... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Owl, spouses are allowed to attend, she just doesn't want to bring me.

You know...it's this stuff over and over that sometimes just drives me nuts.

I got very lucky in my case compared to a lot of people.

I could not have done nearly as well as you have with the plan A stuff for as long as you did. At this point, I would have been telling my wife that she could go if she wanted to...just don't bother coming home afterwards. Ever.

I guess I just don't get plan A like I thought I did...there is no way I could have taken as much abuse as I've seen HTW, WNH, and Dazed take these last weeks.

I've got to say you guys all make me look like a weak sister...I couldn't have kept it up as long as you all have. I would have long since drawn the line over what kind of emotional abuse I would have tolerated out of my wife in these cases.

I'll sentence myself to going back and re-reading plan A and B so that I can get myself back into the MB mindset a little better.

Hey Owl, don't forget me!! HTW and I are twins!!! Read his story and essentially that's mine!

I reached my complete breaking point with my FWW within 90 days of DD. That was when I gave my final ultimadum before more exposure. I too was prepared to end my pain by letting her go forever.

TS

A lot of reading here.
I was pretty much in lockstep with this story...it just happened a bit sooner for me.
The exposure got her attention but nothing worked quite as well as me finding her an apartment and getting her out of the house. It was my last card to play and I didn't do it soon enough.
Within 2 days of her being "available" the OM dropped her like a hot potato. She was no sport at that point. The exposure at their workplace and dogging the OM and exposing to everyone he knew had a huge impact as well.
After DD, we stuck it out for 4 months but it never got easier. Getting a note on the OM's work profile made him leave the company....also a LARGE CAN. institution...was an important step. I don't know if that is possible, but I had a meeting with HR and pointed out how the possibility of scandal could damage the company reputation. THAT got attention. After that I had many allies. OM blamed WW for ruining his carreer (-;
She is now calling me every week...often more and is trying to rebuild our relationship. I never moved her out of my heart but I was prepared to have her out of my life. I didn't cringe or whine but I couldn't accept the bull.
At one point she said "I guess you've moved on" and that's what a plan B is all about, isn't it?
After a year, it looks like our 29 year marriage is salvagable, if I want it to be, and I think I'm going to give it another try.
I always told her that good people sometimes do bad things. It doesn't make them bad people.

bbrriiaann

bb, thanks for sharing some of your story since it gies us BS's some hope for the future. I'm glad to hear that your M is on the road to recovery. Funny how the OM lost interest once she became available. How is that for love?

Did you impliment a Plan B or did you continue your Plan A through the seperation?


Update...

Talked to my WW last night about her Christmas party and I calmly told her that her going alone bothers me. She turned it around saying that this is a result of me calling her work (exposing) and she said "how do you think I will feel telling people where my husband is".

She told me she is going with her work friend who I dispise and that OM will not be at her party since each office location has seperate parties on the same night. I went to last year's party and I can corfirm this. Also, OM is a manager at his location so he will have to be at his party. She said she is only going for dinner and will leave once the dancing starts. I'm still upset but glad that I let her know that her attendance without me is bothersome. I may have someone follow her that night just to be sure.

We talked about some other stuff last night and she asked me if I thought she was "fatter" since the summer. Well my WW is 5'5", weighs about 100 lbs and is a size 0. So I threw it back and asked if she thought she was "fatter". She said she feel fat to which I replied "I think you look great". How do you validate a woman's feelings when she feels fat even though she is well underweight?

I don't know why she didn't want you to go to the party with her. The easist way to keep people from asking questions is to have the person there with you that they would ask questions about. It stops questions real quick.

It's just an excuse she is using.

Sounds like fog logic. It seems to me you going with her would squash rumors about her. I'm glad you told her that it bothered you.
Sounds like she is feeling bad about herself in general and is focusing on the physical. Altered body image. Don't go over board with compliments...she'll view them as insincere. When she goes out to the Christmas party tell her she looks "nice"...maybe she'll act that way.

I like this quote, it reads very well and it shows that men are not always as emotionally attached as the women. Sex is bonding and it is confused with love so often. Good luck on reuniting with your wife.

TooSoon

HTW:

I know that my "opines" on your case are not thrilling you and I can sense your angst with my POV of your situation, so I try and weigh in less frequently.

Couple things though....I can understand you telling her that her going to the party alone "bothers" you, and I assume that you are telling her this all on the "accepted" premise that she is NOT seeing the OM or is still caught up in the affair. Otherwise, I would have to ask you what is the point? If she is still seeing the OM and betraying your marriage, I am sure that "bothers" you a whole hel* of alot more than her going to a X-mas party without you. Is my line of thinking correct here. This would almost be like a patient suing a doctor for not treating his high blood pressure when the doc missed his lung cancer first.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Secondly, as "harsh" as you and others may feel my opinions are, that doesn't mean that I don't feel sincere compassion for you.

I can even tell in the posts that I quoted above that your trying to "rationalize" this to the hundreth degree to yourself. Trying to find "hope", "anything" that says differently than what THIS REALLY MEANS. Especially when you say things like " She said she is only going for dinner and will leave once the dancing starts" or that "OM will not be at her party."......almost as if you have to convince yourself to assuage your own heart.

Man, I almost hate posting on your thread now days, because I know there are more than a handful of people (have the emails to prove it... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />) who see it as me killing your "hope" or not supporting your marriage by being "positive" enough. It saddens even me that this is still going on for you, so I can NOT even imagine the level of "sadness" and despair that you have going on inside of you.

Please email me in private and let me know if my posting on your thread is making things worse for you or killing your reconciliation efforts. I feel I am bordering that "line" with you, so let me know if I am crossing this. This is all for you anyway, so how you "recieve" it is the key.

Your friend,

LM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

HTW my WW had her company Christmas party recently. Similar drill, she didn't invite me. She mentioned that at least one other husband went, so I suppose she could have invited me.

Anyway she did as she promised; only 1 or 2 drinks, no flirting or dancing, and towards the middle of the night she and her girlfriend called to put my fears to rest. She was home reasonably early and nearly sober. I believe she behaved like she said she would.

It could be your WW's representations are meaningful. Could I suggest you take them at face value? Possibly suggesting one or two things that may help make your comfortable such as a call or two from the party to you.

You could try using my signature below.

I suspect the reason your wives [weneedhelp and HopeThisWorks] don't want you at their Christmas parties is because they have told their coworkers you are splitting up/seperated so they can cat around freely at work. If you showed up at the party the coworkers would realize your wives are lying about this and they might tip you off.

My situation is maybe a bit different. WW thought that OM was going to be her last "one and only". I was her first! After an EA that went on for almost a year she crossed the last line in the sand and pretty much destroyed her image of herself. It really hit home when she discovered she was one of a string of 3 women on his line.
She now has to decide where she wants to go with this.
I want her back....I just don't need her now.

As to how this applies in this sitch, I don't know for sure, but maybe showing that you don't need her might help to refocus her on you...especially if there are REAL dangers to the OM. In my case he blamed WW for the damages caused to him even though it was me who did it. I have pretty much taken every opportunity to shoot the OM down. Without being confrontational of course. To date the only time we have meet (OM and I) was in a store about a month ago. He saw me first and RAN out of the store to his car before I even was sure who he was.

Ask me if that felt good!!!


And that is pretty much what the plan B is all about, right? I started living a selfish life....went out when I wanted, ate what I wanted/when I wanted and joined a couple of groups where there were a lot of different people. I needed to discover whether there could be an alternate future for me since the one I had planned on my whole married life wasn't what it used to be. I signed up for modern dance lessons. There are a lot of really neat women there, too. Don't get me wrong, I had no intention of looking for a relationship but it was good for the ego to realize that there were women out there who found me interesting. Validation if you will. A lot of us would head out for a drink after class and I had a chance to start to develop a new network of friends.....not just people who knew me as half of a couple. We have fun together.

When I see the difference in me now from a year ago, I am shocked. I look way better than she does. I feel sorry for her.

lem, this is absolutely correct and if she was blatantly seeing OM then this would not be a topic of major concern. She has told me and her family that the R with OM is dead however I believe that she is still in contact with him via email or phone. She most likely believes this is harmless but as all of us BS's know only true NC will permit for a M to recover.


I know you wouldn't be here taking time out of you busy schedule helping others and myself if you truly didn't feel
compassion for us. Sometimes it is hard to hear things you don't want to hear, especailly when your life has come crashing down on you.


lem, I am an optimist at heart and always try to find the silver lining in a cloud. That is one of my traits that keeps me going right now. If I didn't have "hope" that there is even a small chance of recovering my M I would have given up a long time ago.

My W had my trust unconditionally before her A. Even thought she has shattered my trust in her something deep down inside of me wants to believe what she is saying. You are right, I do try to "rationalize" much of what she says and that probably has something to do with not wanting to trully believe that my WW has lied, deceived and betrayed me in the worst possible way. This is extremely hard to accept.

In one of your other posts on another thread you said it takes more courage to let go since many BS's hold on to their M our of fear of being alone (correct me if I'm wrong). Well at some point we all have to let go and that will be extremely difficult for me. When that time comes I will know that I did as much as I could to save my M even though others may disagree. So yes I am afraid of loosing my W (not my WW) and being alone and if that labels me as less courageous then so be it.


We all have good days and bad days lem. Your post the other day happened to be on a bad day when my head was spining with terrible thoughts. I liken it to my family members who are encouraging me to "kick her out" or "move on" when that is not my goal. I'm getting advice from so many people and it varies to both extremes. Like you have said before, only I can make the final decision and I will have to live with myself with the decisions I make. Just because some things are hard to hear or discouraging doesn't mean I don't appreciate those points of view. I need to hear everything and make my own decision.

You have been there lem and your incredible story could be made into a Hollywood screenplay. You decided what was right for you and I will have to decide what is right for me. We may disagree on how to approach this but that doesn't mean I don't value you insight.

So please don't stop posting for fear of hurting me or discouraging me. I need to hear these things to help me make those important decisions. I need to hear these things to help me recover.

Hope..I for one am encouraged for you because you welcome lm's opines. I know I do. What I fear for you is the fall I experienced. My story is quite unorthodox yet it works for me. And that is what I need you to keep asking yourself. Is it working for you?

I for one do not see any real positive signs from your WW's behaviors recently. Your inlaws position and acceptance of OM does not matter to her. I really think you should find out the truth, no matter how harsh. You're still making assumptions that she can be trusted....

Let us know how you're doing....

edited for really poor spelling...

Well my WW went to her work's Christmas party last night and she looked stunning.

She left at 7:00 and returned at 11:00 and she showed me the ticket. When she left my DD was just getting over a viral infection and my DS had just come down with something similar that included moderate fever.

Shortly after my WW left for the party my MIL called and found out that she still went in spite of her kids being ill. Well didn't she call my WW on her cell and blast her. When my WW returned home she blamed me of course for this and asked me if I cared that she was being treated this way.

She said "because of one mistake you had to go tell the trutht to my family and now everytime I go out this happens". She was upset and seems to be in a better mood today.

Today she filled me in on some of the party details.

Hope....you may take this as a 2x4 but...there's your wife holding YOU accountable for HER actions...my xw will never, ever use the word "mistake" for her actions as I remind her of the incredible amounts of planning and deception necessary to pull it off...mistakes are accidents inmy eyes...

Look...as I said earlier...I do not see progress....you're stagnant.....

Wow...she calls what she's done a 'mistake'.

A mistake is locking your car keys in the car with the motor running.

What she did was 'a mistake'???

Like it was just a little thing...you know, I think that's what I'd remind her of.

It's one thing if it was just one small little thing that didn't harm anyone...but what she's talking about is ludicrous. It was planned, it was intentional, and it was done knowing the hurt and pain and suffering it would cause. And when confronted about it, she wasn't apologetic, regretful, or in anyway acting like it was 'an accident'.

Sheesh.