Where are you Hope? I found out that my WW, definitely is still seeing OM. How's your situation?

mis-take: to misunderstand the meaning or intention of: to make a wrong judgement of the character or ability of: to identify wrongly, as in "I mistook him for his brother".

I learned a long time ago when you have an affair with someone there is no mistake. There is no misunderstanding of the intention, especially when it becomes a physical affair. The only mistake is being around naked when the OW's husband walks in and not having time to pick up your clothes as you jump out the window.

Well I found out through my MIL that my WW spoke to her brother (youngest) and she told him she still intends to seperate in the new year and doesn't want to hurt anybody in the process.

I think she wants to buy a home 20 miles away (near OM and her work friend) but my MIL and BIL said they will not support her if she moves far away.

I feel really uncomfortable knowing this while we will be having Christmas eve at my parent's house and Christmas day at her sister's house. It's like a big facade on her part and it distrurbs me.

She probably thinks I will agree to a seperation in the new year and she can have her freedom and still be friends with me. That will not happen.

I have started to detach from my WW and have started focusing more time and attention on myself. She doesn't seem to want me to fill any of her EN's so I am just trying not to LB right now.

I plan on calling Steve Harley next week to seek his advice on how I should proceed.

I just find it hard to Plan A while detaching from my WW. Is this counter productive?

HTW, We still are in the EXACT same position!!! My WW plans on leaving Jan. 1. She has found a house to rent about 4 miles away from our home. She supposedly is preparing a LS, with the terms that her and I have somewhat agreed on. Have yet to decide on just agreeing and letting her go and Plan B my a$$ off, or fight like the dickens and put myself in debt another 10G or so!! Still Plan A ing, but it seems futile.

I'm struggling with the same questions as you are. From what I have read from others, you don't want to make it easy for her to leave. That doesn't mean entrapment, begging or pleading, instead let her do all the work and see the consequences of her actions.

I have yet to tell this to my WW for I feel she thinks I will agree to a seperation so it will be interesting to see and hear her reaction. Probably not very happy and will try to spin it back on me.

Hopefully other can provide some insight here.

HTW,
I'm with ya here. I plan to plan A my WH right out the door. Trying to avoid LB so he leaves on a good note. The exception is I want my WH to leave. He left briefly last March...I let him home TOO soon. He said all the right things...it killed him not to be able to talk to me...He missed me...he would do anything to save the marriage. It was all talk...he has changed some negative behaviors and is spending more time with the kids but has done nothing to improve our M...refuse to write NC letter, refused MC, won't talk about A, won't make time for us as a couple, he continues to exclude me from his life. He's been throwing crumbs. And I WANTED to believe in him. He won't even answer when I ask when he last had contact...which leads me to believe (along w/his behavior) contact is ongoing. I plan to focus on my kids and other family during holiday, I won't ignore WH but I will not go out of my way for him. I will continue to urge him to leave to see if he can find happiness.

It sounds like a lot of WS are enjoying holiday cake eating this season.

I think you have it right Hope, you don't make it eassy for her to leave. You don't hand over the house, you don't hand over the keys, you don't hand over the assets, you don't hand over any money, you don't even help move her. She has to find her own way out, get her own place, pack her own bags, move her own stuff, do it all on her own so she knows how difficult it is to be alone on your own. Why should she benefit from any help when she is taking all of her help away?

When I told my WW 2 weeks ago that I would sign nothing, the anger in her face boiled!! She packed up and left for the night, with my DD6 crying her eyes out!! My WW, basically ignored her!

I then proceeded a week later to tell my WW that she needs to do the legwork, and that I'm spent. I said, go get the LS, and if it is acceptable to me, I'll sign it. I want to move on, either with a Plan B, or just move on. This in-house Plan A hasn't done squat to end the A, and my wife now knows that I know the A is still ongoing!! So I keep Plan A'ing so that she hopefully has a place to land, after the A breaks down. Who knows!!!!!

Keep hangin' tough, my friend!! It'll be interesting to see how long our situations mirror each others!!

Hope....As far as the holidays are concerned do what is best for you while considering your family. What I mention is that I assume that if she does leave on 1/1 you're straight to Plan B. If that is the case you may be subjecting yourself to unnecessary pain through the holidays as she plays "everything is fine today while planning to leave tomorrow"....

Two weeks before my XW had me served there was a huge 50th anniversary party for her parents at her sisters house. We were barely speaking, I had moved out, moved back in, sleeping in different rooms for months. I was still in what we call Plan A, I was trying. I remember her telling me how much she hated me while she was smiling!! Her best friend came over to us because she knew that my reaction was the real one....most of her family thought I was an emotional idiot because of how I was portrayed. I was angry and hurt all at once and it showed....

Her cousins family (wife and 3 children) stayed with us that weekend. They stayed in the room she was staying in. When I went to my bedroom she was in my bed..Plan A went out the window...I asked her what she thought she was doing and she said "I am going to sleep"...My response was "If you're not willing to pay the price to sleep in my bed, GET OUT! I will only sleep with my wife "....as I pulled the covers off and stripped my clothes off...asking if she was still my wife...of course she left...which was all I wanted....

she tells me now that what I did was powerful, it made her think....however, she still signed everything a week later....

My point? That entire deal sucked for me...cause reality is....once the process starts things with her family and you will change...up to the day I was served her parents "did not support her at all"....that night they sure did...and when the judge ordered her OUT it really changed quickly....

Careful how you do these holidays....for your own sake!!!

Smomw,
I highly doubt she is going to leave on 1/1. What I think she would like to do is talk about seperating in the new year since this is what she has made up her mind to do.

I also have my concerns with playing that "everything is fine" face for the holidays. I was thinking about it and since I haven't done anything wrong and I am under no false ideas about what my WW is planning, why should I pull myself out of family functions? I plan on going and having a good time.


I will have to fight that, especially if my WW is having a great time knowing that it may be our last family function together. From our Thanksgiving experience I think I have an idea how you were feeling. I was also hurt and angry and felt awkward around people with my WW in the same room.



Great line <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I gues you could consider your comment to your WW the "stick" part of plan A.


Blood is thicker than mud as they say and I'm sure I will get less support from her family as this progresses, especially if OM is out of picture.


Don't you think if I deline the invitation to her family's house for Christmas it will make it seem as though I resent my WW? It may give her an oppourtunity to say "you see he is upset for nothing". Regardless of what I do here, I may have to make the best of a bad situation.

P.S. You never told me the story behind the 10 year ring...

How do you plan on dealing with things if someone asks point blank how things are going? I'd suggest that you make it very clear to your wife how you feel on this, and what you're going to say. If they ask, let them know that you're still fighting to save your marriage, but at this point your wife is planning on leaving after the first of the year?

Tell her that you're not willing to lie for her...not willing to lie about it just so she can keep up her reputation.

After d-day I didn't lie to anyone about what was going on...I flat out told them the truth. When we were living in the same house but doing an 'in house seperation', I frequently talked with my family and friends because I needed the support. And made it very clear that she was still considering leaving me, and that nothing was clear yet on what was going to happen.

I agree with Owl...make sure you tell her that if asked you will speak the truth...I'll never forget her friends face as she walked over to me at that party...I was dying...and I looked like I was the one who was angry....and mean..cause I reacted...difference with me was she also went around that very party telling her family we were divorcing....

and the alcohol FLOWED......into me and had little effect....I remember it all like it was yesterday....

Take care my friend...

Owl & Sendme,

Thanks for the advice and since it will only be close family at the party, they already know that I am fighting to save the marriage and my WW is intent on leaving. If they ask I will repeat that straight out to them. It won't be easy for me to be there and I don't really want people to feel sorry me. I used to love this time of year.

My parents came over last night and we confirmed spending Christmas eve with them at our house. My WW wants to be "friends" through all this with my family. I have asked my parents to treat her as they always have even though they are very dissapointed in her recent behaviour. She is still cordial with them. If we do seperate, I don't think my parents will want to remain friends with her.

Next Monday my DD is having her birthday party and my WW's friend from work (who is enabling the A) will be there with her kids. I want to verbally berate her when I see her although I feel it may be more beneficial to my cause if I treat her nicely. What do others think of this?

Some of the things I have been doing for myself include:
- new wardrobe (including new underwear - boxers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />)
- taking better care of myself (eating better, clean haircut, cologne <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)
- purchased cell phone (never had one before)
- going out with friends more often
- building better relationships with people who are close to me

I'm starting to have dreams again some of which include:

- my WW repenting and starting recovery <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
- my ex GF and I getting together and rekindling the old flame <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
- meeting new women who I enjoy being with, treat me nice, who are not moody or continually upset with me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes, as was the case with me, the above do not happen in that order! My Xw did not notice me until she realized that perhaps I was truly "over her"....she saw I was happy...and although I did not do it on purpose, saw my happiness when GF called my cell at sporting events of my boys (we did not speak nor sit next to each other, she knew me and could tell from accross a field I was a happier person)..


I am encouraged that you're beginning to think this way BUT also concerned that you're letting her do this on HER terms.



I would tell my W that she is not welcome near my child nor me. In fact I would tell her that if she does not tell this "freind" you will. this is a family event NOT about the W! Can you not see how selfish she has become? She surrounds herself with allies...I would tell the W to make a choice, this SHOULD be a boundry you do not let her cross. I am concerned that you continue to think these boundries are LB'ers...they're not and you may plan A all you want but demand some respect....

all right I'm done..

Hope...best wishes to you this season.....

Well last night my WW told me she would be attending a going away party tonight for a male colleque at her work. Turns out this collegue was and probably still is good friends with OM and when I found this out my blood pressure started rising.

She asked me if I would prefer if she came home from work first and then went or alternatively go straight there from work in which she would come home earlier. Initially I said I would prefer if she went straight there and came home earlier.

After thinking about it for a while it really started to bother me knowing that OM could possibly be there to join the party.

So I confronted my WW and told her I was bothered by her going since there was a possibility that OM would be there. She said it was a party only for people at that office location. Then I reminded her that her collegue and OM are good friends so why wouldn't he show up? She restated it was for that office only and then said "I don't think he will show up".

Well there is a difference between "only for people of that office" and "I don't think he will show up". So I could feel my insides starting to get agitated and I pushed the issue some more.

I restated my boundary and the following dialogue occured...

ME: I want you to know that it bothers me that you are going to this party with the possibility that OM will be there.

WS: Would you like me to not go?

ME: That is your choice, I just want you to know that going with the possibility that he may be there hurts me.

WS: I promise to leave if he shows up.

At this point I feel ready to LB with DJ's, AO's and SD's. What I really wanted to say was that her promises mean NOTHING to me right now and if she goes she might as well pack her bags because she won't be allowed back in this house. Instead I composed myself and contiuned to converstation...

ME: I can't accept any contact between you and OM and the fact that you will be attending this party with even the possibilty of OM showing up hurts me and is disrespecful.

Now she starts to get angry proceeds to make the following AO.

WS: Fine then I won't f###ing go! I'm sorry I asked!

It's funny she said that since she really never asked me if she could go, only if I would prefer if she goes straight to the party of comes home first for dinner. At this point I thought it would be a good time to probe about contact since the topic of OM came up.

ME: When was the last time you had contact with OM?

WS: A long time ago. (in a low voice)

ME: How long ago is a long time ago (last known contact was Nov 22)

WS: I don't know exactly when, I don't have it written on a calender! (in an angry tone)

So that was it and we will see if she still goes tonight. I felt MUCH better for not avoiding that conflict and restating my boundary regarding OM. I slept very well knowing that I said my peace and did not try to appease her.
BTW, I had another dream, this time about the nice lady at my work asking me out on a date and me accepting followed by her cuddling next to me in our bed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

I'm kind of suprised that she didn't say something like "too bad I'm going anyway".

I really felt unsafe for a while last night when she told me she was going to this party and me knowing OM would probably be there. I'm so glad I didn't just let her go.

So I'm feeling much better today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Even though they're necessary, those discussions are hard aren't they? And a little scary, at first glance they seem to carry some risk of reversing some progress you've made. But that's probably an illusion. What's really happening underneath is forward progress, as she comes to know and respect your thoughts. Sounds like you really pulled it off well, congratulations on that.

One thing I would suggest...


Should really have read:

ME: I want you to know that it bothers me that you are going to this party with the possibility that OM will be there.

WS: Would you like me to not go?

ME: Truthfully, I would prefer you didn't go, since we both know that OM is likely to be there. I would prefer that we avoided that whole possibility...but the choice is yours.

WS: I promise to leave if he shows up.

ME: I am not sure that would be enough...just seeing him would be a major setback for both of us. Do you really think that you could see him and have no response at all? It's up to you...I'm just worried about what this would do to you, and to us.


Get the picture? You told her that it was up to her...but pretty much didn't give her any choice...or make it clear that it IS her choice.

Let her know that it IS her choice...but with that choice comes responsibilities and repercussions too. Makes you seem less controlling, and puts the onus back on her instead.

Just my suggestions...

I see your reasoning Owl and I tried to avoid making a SD when I told her it was her "choice". I will keep that in mind for the next time. I struggle walking the knife's edge between keeping my boundaries and not LB'ing. It's a tough walk.

Don't you think that it is strange she would even care what I think at this point if she is so intent on sepeating in the new year? If it were me and I had made up my mind to seperate I would be going regardless of what my S thinks. Remember she still went to her Christmas party even though I told her it bothered me she was going alone. I'm pretty certain OM wasn't there.

I find the closer we get to the new year the less comprimising or appeasing I am becoming.

Forgot to mention my WW seems to be in a sour mood today...oh well. She had an AO with her mother when asked if the kids went to preschool this morning.

Also if she does not go tonight should I acknowledge her choice to not go by thanking her or does that seem to needy?

I have a feeling if I thank her for not going I will get some sarcastic remark or babble.

I would simply, quietly thank her for not going. Let her know that you appreciate the fact that she made that choice when you knew it wasn't easy for her...and then let it drop. And try to give her a good evening at home instead...rent some movies, make a nice dinner for all of you, etc...don't go crazy, but try to let her feel like she still had a good time staying home.