Hope....
Is the party one that would have spouses or significant others there? If so tell her you want to go.

"I find the closer we get to the new year the less comprimising or appeasing I am becoming. "

Good news as far as I am concerned...

As far as your dreams go....normal...so normal...when I was seperated all I wanted was to be able to have dinner with a woman who did not loathe the sight of me, who was nice to me and did not attempt to crush my very being....it was a fantasy...when the D papers were finally signed but not yet filed with county clerk, I dated someone....legally I was still married but we had signed papers and so had the judge, it was simply not filed...She was FURIOUS! You'll be OK....you will....

Let me ask your opinion on something. My office has a party for admin staff and it will be same place where her office sales staff are meeting, same night. Sales guy was her EA turned PA (after D)...that was a supposed "family friend"...I have seen him twice since our D...(once since reconciliation)...and both times I cracked him upside his head...I have accepted , as has counselor, her, everyone, that I am not being an adult...and will never be....do I not go to the party??? We do not attend any company function this ASSBAG will be present at....we're just going to be at the same establishment....what do I do?? Not go? I am some one upset she has not informed me of this work event (I know from her e-mails which I occasionally read through...)....
should I be po'd??

I can sypathize with your predictament here and personally would feel extremely uncomfortable even being in the same building as OM, espcially if my WW is there.

Which BS doesn't want to crack the OM given the chance? It would be nice if your XFWW revealed this to you and took the initiative to avoid hurting you by not going. Personally I wouldn't want to be subjected to contact with OM and would ask my W to not go.

Your have reconciled with your XFWW so you may feel more confortable about the whole situation. I would hope your XFWW understands how this would make you feel anxious and hurt.

If it were me I would not want to be there. If you decide to not go, would you XFWW still go? I would hope she would would stay home also knowing that you feel uncomfortable.

She is not going....he will be there with his staff...and my company and MY Staff are supposed to go to same place...same bat time...same bat station....seperate companies...seperate functions....she does not go to any functions alone...part of our deal and my boundry...no travel...nothing.....and they're in the aviation industry, she is an officer of a $150 million company who should be out and about. Problem is it was during one of these "functions" she met "new customer", "rich guy"...she started giving me a hard time a while back and this place helped me big time..made me stick to my boundries...thanks you.

I have given her benefit of doubt as to informing me of potential issue (me and guy at the same place) don't think she reads all 250 e-mails she gets...every day...key logger shows that...I bet I get the call Monday when it comes up at office....

That makes more sense now and given everything I would still be somewhat uncomfortable going, espcially if you have trouble controlling your emotions.

I'm glad to hear that you XFWW is not going and that she probably hasn't read the email yet.

Do you get tired of constantly checking up on her and do you think there will come a time when you no longer have to do it?

I do not think I "have to" check up on her. I check it when I get insecure. I used to check it 3 x a day...now it is every couple weeks or so.

you know, I see lots of people on here trying to get more details, more honesty and in my eyes I am trying to get into her psyche from 7 years ago. It is a bit blurry at this point conisdering what happened just a few short years ago. Understand, since her PA that I am trying to figure out still (and have begun to accept it will never be "figured out) I have been divorced, dated over a dozen women, had a somewhat serious girlfriend, liquidated the company I worked for, started a new company, etc. So every little tid bit of new information I learn is overthought to the point of being ridiculous. I try and return to that time frame and I don't get it. The why is understood (our M was not in great shape, EN's not met, etc.) but how could she??? do...?? ...I have showed her stuff from many web sites regarding affairs (including this place) and showed her just how "ordinary" her affair really was. How it really was not easy for her to withdraw (that was when she asked for D), how she allowed contact but nothing physical (always in group, over phone, extending EA)...It has been a long road and I think of her PA every day....more than once a day...it is why I still come here...

The CEO of her company just gave "her crap" about company functions (literally as I was typing this she called upset). I told her to tell him that " we will attend" the functions he wants her to but security better be as good as "Tupac" had in Vegas (at which she got upset, PA consumated in Vegas, plus Tupac got killed..LOL)...cause it will "get exciting"...she then mentioned finding a new job...


I hope this helps you out some...and allows you to understand just how tough it is....it is the reason I respect many of the "old timers"...my story is a Harlequin Romance compared to some of the stuff I read here....

I'm glad you held your boundaries. Tonight when she is home instead of going to the party, plan some family fun, popcorn and movies, games with the kids, whatever. Look her in the eye and tell her your are glad she is there. Don't go overboard.

Hope,

You asked
She is likely going regardless Hope. As you pointed out, she did not offer the choice of going or not going, only of dropping by home before she went. She is just being a bit less blunt about her choice.

She really is one self-absorbed woman, but that is pretty much par for the course in these things.

Hang in there and God Bless,

JL

JL, so good to hear from you again. I'm still planting those seeds and tilling the soil in the hopes that they eventually sprout.

I hope she doesn't go tonight, but it wouldn't suprise me if she does go anyway.

Hope,

I am glad to hear that the crop is in and you are tending it.
Seriously, while I don't know you personally I am proud of you. You have done a very good job of this and it is really really hard.

When this is all over, no matter how it works out, you will NOT regret the effort you have put forth, and I think you will find that you have evolved in many ways with regard to how you see people and relationships. These are good things Hope.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Why don't you just ask her bluntly if she still intends to go or not, in light of the conversation on the subject?

JL, thanks for the kinds words and encouragement. I've been implimenting the MB priciples and Plan A for the past 5 months now and although it hasn't had the desired effect on my WW, I have certainly benefited.

I have expended so much energy on my WW and our M in the last 6 months that everything else has taken a back seat.

Plan A is tough, really tough and has tought me so much about myself and R's. I now understand what Dr. Harley meant when he said the added benefit of Plan A is that it reduces your love of WS. I can feel it happening to me as I don't love my WW as much as I did. The constant distance and coldness certainly drained my LB and I am now starting to see the many flaws SHE has as well. Maybe my fog is lifting somewhat?

I know Plan B helps perserve your love for WS, but when I get there I will be using it as a relief from the fray. Walking on egg shells for this long is tough and I am looking forward to doing WHAT I want, when I want.

Your right, I do see people and relationships differently, too bad my WW doesn't. I know what I want in a R now and will not accept anything less. In the very small chance that the fog clears from my WW, I will need her to put everything into this M. Just being there will not be enough for me, not with what I have been put through and what I now know.

This may sound like I have given up hope on my WW and in some ways I have. I really want to get some control and normalcy back in my life. It's funny since my WW says that I was controlling and now I want control back.

I announced to my MC the same thing in front of my wife. My FWW continued to see the OM and my marriage continued to suffer. I told the MC that I was falling out of love for my wife. The MC said you mean, "you have fallen back in love for your wife?" I said, "No, I am falling out of love for her". My wife didn't say a word, but just listened.

The BS can only take so much before they begin to protect their emotions from all the pain and the easiest way is to withdraw your love away from the one you love.

TooSoon

Well my WW didn't go to the going away party last night and when she came home she barely spoke to me. I said "thanks for not going" and she replied "go to he11!".

Today she is barely speaking to me and is doing NOTHING for me.

I wonder if she will realize one day how much sh1t she is putting me through and realize what a mistake she made.

Wait until the OM gets a taste of my WW moodiness and as I understand it he has a temper. Should make for an interesting time between them.

Hope..do not think that her not going was for you. Most likely she did not want the grief around the holidays. Sad but true. She look sat it as if it is just "one more thing you ruined"....

My XW had been living in seperate rooms for months, after I had originally moved out for 6 months. I had to travel out of the country for work and rather than coming home I traveled to a sporting event that I photographed. At that event I picked up more work a few weeks later at another event (NASCAR races)...So I planned on going. On my way there I listened to her give me crap for 40 minutes on the phone about me not being home, again. I was perplexed. When I was home she was acting just like your wife, treated me like crap...I ran away...and that is most likely the main reason we divorced. I would not stand for how she treated me...I really did the Plan A stuff but after about 6-7 I would melt down, LB'ing everywhere..

We talk about this now and she can;t explain why she behaved like that and your W my never understand why she is acting as she is...in my eyes you're closer to Plan B...the bank is getting empty...mine was when I got served..any change that remained in the bank was spent up..

Try and have a good weekend.....

Hope,
I'm sorry your wife is treating you this way. That was really mean. What a [email]bit@@.[/email] Don't worry, this will come back to haunt her. She will probably move out and get what she "thinks" she wants. God help her when she realizes she had it all along and just threw it away. And you are right about her moodiness affecting her relationship with OM. Stress, PMS, and all the other "mood inducers" will follow her there. I don't know if you will still be waiting or not, but there will come a day when she wakes up and realizes you were the best thing that ever happened to her.

Take care.

Shattered Quote:

I have always heard that people look far and wide for things to make them happy and if we all look at what we have, it is usually everything we really need and should want.

So many BS's take their selfish WS's back, as I did, and some how compartimenalize (sp) it in the back of their minds and chalk it up as a bad experience in our lives. It is hard for all of us to do, but it is very possible to rebuild from there.

TooSoon

I couldn't agree more. Let's hope she has an epiphany like Dorothy did in the Wizard of Oz. Remember, everything we need to know, we learned in Kindergarten!

DOROTHY: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
GLINDA: You don't need to be helped any longer.
You've always had the power to go back to
Kansas.
DOROTHY: I have?
TIN MAN: Then why didn't you tell her before?
GLINDA: Because she wouldn't have believed me. She
had to learn it for herself.
TIN MAN: What have you learned, Dorothy?
DOROTHY: . . . . . if
I ever go looking for my heart's desire
again, I won't look any further than my own
backyard. Because if it isn't there, I
never really lost it to begin with! Is
that right?
GLINDA: That's all it is!

Hope, I will be waiting for the time when your WW clicks her heels three times and says "There's no place like home . . . "

TS & Shattered,

I would like to vent a little so bear with me...

Really I don't see an awakening happening in the near futrue. All I see from my WW is someone who has made up their mind and has removed me from her life.

Why is she treating me this way?

Why is it when I ask her a question, I get this look of "whatever"?.

We are in the stage of withdrawal as Dr. Harley wrote.

When one spouse enters the state of Withdrawal, the other usually follows. After all, what is the point? If she is meeting none of his needs and rebuffing every effort he makes to meet hers, he might as well give up, too. The thoughtless behavior by each spouse toward the other becomes too great to bear, so they stop caring. Trust is a faint memory.


That is exactly what is happening in my situation right now. I am getting dragged in with her and I feel like I'm drowing in a sea of thoughtlessness. It is so hard not to get sucked up into the stage of withdrawal as Dr. Harley wrote.

But in Withdrawal, there is no discussion, no bargaining, not even arguing. In that state, a spouse is unwilling to do anything for his or her spouse or let the spouse do anything in return.

The above statement by Dr. Harley sums up my current situation perfectily. My WW is a textbook case.


One spouse may also lead the other on the road back from Withdrawal to Conflict and eventually to back to Intimacy. In Withdrawal, a husband may decide to make a new effort to restore Intimacy and toss out an olive branch. That effort places him back into the Conflict state, while his wife is still in Withdrawal.


I guess this would only apply if W was not involved in an A?

On another note, does anyone her watch Grey's Annatomy?

It is a show about doctors and interns who seem to be sleeping with each other as the weeks go on. lemonman if your reading this, please tell me your hospital is not like this!

Of course my WW likes this show along with Desperate Housevwives. Everybody is sleeping around and their is no impact on people. They just go on living happily.

Shattered, I do hope one day she clicks her heals to come home and leaves the fantasy land.

Hope,

I don't mean to discourage you, but I don't think she is in withdrawal. I think she is in an active affair, hence the coldness. She still plans on moving out, right? That is so she can continue her affair unimpeded by you. The following may not be MB advice but it is just my opinion. I think when WS's get to this point, there is no stopping them. They need to follow all the way through (move out) before their affair can come crashing in on them. I think your wife needs to move out and be with OM for reality to set in. I don't think anything you say or do now will stop her from chasing OM.

BUT what you say and do now, be kind, no disrespectful judgements (even though she is flagrantly disrespectful to you), trying to meet needs, etc. will be what she remembers. You will not bear fruit from your efforts now, but rather when her A is over. She will remember you as a safe and gentle place to go. She will remember that you were willing to talk about things and not condemn her, even though she deserved it. When that happens (and it will) YOU will be in the driver's seat, not her.

Hang tough and vent all you want here. It works. Go to the video store and rent a comedy that you'll like. You need some good belly laughs to lighten your soul. Take care. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Okay, I'm sheepishly admitting that I LOVE those shows. To me it is a window (and an education) into how other people live. I don't take it seriously, but the undertones are real life. As we all well know now, adultery, promiscuity, and narcissism are alive and well in our society today. And if Lemonman is reading, I'll bet that he will tell you yes, hospitals are just like that, with the exception that all the people are not as good looking. And it's not just hospitals, it's most workplaces because it is a societal influence. I do think it is more prominent in places like hospitals because of the hours, the intense life/death situations, and the bonding that takes place when people share that.