Tell me about it! If a half way decent male started showing me some attention and admiration I think I'd start drooling on him! I do know it's not the answer though. Darn!

Have you been to a lawyer yet? Don't tell her about it...but if you haven't...you should. You need to make sure your rights are protected. You should also start documenting why YOU should be custodial parent...make a plan for child care etc...those who could help you out with the kids if she is not in the picture. She probably has not thought ahead or made a plan...she probably intends to be the custodial parent. A show of strength, you know walk softly but carry a big stick.


We've had this problem too. Exposure went far and wide in our little town. We were both pretty involved in the community. WH said "I can't even show my face in town anymore. People look at me funny." I said"I've been getting that look for a long time...with people seeing you with OW." The funny thing is that everyone that I exposed to family, friends...they only want to see us work it out. People are very understanding...especially the elders they know the path of a marriage takes a lot of twists and turns. I told my H that if he did not want people to think badly of him then stop contact with OW and take care of his family. BTW OW has not shown her face in town since exposure...I have not laid eyes on her since last March.

Before exposure even after I confronted WH/OW they still met in public under the guise as friends, they made up a story to cover whatever evidence they "thought" I had. She lied to her H and convinced him I was just paranoid and jealous and concocked evidence...to prepare him. He believed her. When I exposed to him, he really believed the story. It wasn't until I showed him EVERYTHING did he believe me. Then I felt so bad for him he turned green I wasn't sure if he was going to vomit or pass out. He was preparing to give her a surprise birthday party the next week. I had fantasies of providing a power point presentation with sound bits and everything for entertainment at that party. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (guess that wouldn't have gone over to well. LB??) Afterward all pieces of the puzzle started to fit, things he knew about and I didn't and vice versa...we had never compared notes before. I thought he had NO problems w/ their "friendship"...but apparently he had concerns all along too but never said anything. He was doing keep your friends close and your enemis closer. It worked great for WH/OW they got to be together all the time and double date with their spouses. (gag!)

Wow, sorry this got so long I must be chatty today.

LOL!! This happend just the other day. I guy at worked asked how I was doing...not just in passing he really wanted to know how I was. I was shocked. and flattered. It nice to have some positive attention when you are being ignored at home. Its a trap I'll avoid, but it was nice to be noticed. WH still looks to me for SF...

C42, I have sat down with a lawyer and made sure I am protected. He basically told me I don't have to do anything if I can stand it. Well I may be forced if my WW initiates the LS proceedings.

She has made a plan...I am sure of it. She is always well planned in everything she does, but that has also been less so lately, I guess the A does that. She has spoken to her company's EAP legal coucel and looked into a place to stay so I'm sure she has a plan.

Child custody will be tough since she is a good mom and hasn't abondoned the kids to be with OM. My lawyer said the courts don't really care about A only how the kids are treated. The kids love their mom and the best I would probably do would be 50/50 custody.

I have made an appointment with Steve Harely for Friday since I need some advice now that WW has really pushed LS. I want to see if he suggests Plan B or continued Plan A while seperated.

Shattered, is sounds like your situation has a glimmer of hope. When is the D final and do you think it will come to that? Stay strong!

LMAO! You think like me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think my divorce is final, I have just not received the final paperwork making it official. WH is also in contempt for not taking mandatory child impact class. We have a hearing in Jan. He told me he received his final papers so I don't know.

I have accepted the divorce as just another piece of paper. It was almost a relief actually. I put so much energy into preventing it and I don't have to do that anymore. It also gave me financial security so I don't worry about my future as much.

I have received 3 cards from WH over the past two months telling me to be strong and not give up on us. The following may sound either stupid or full of myself, I'm not sure which! I really believe deep down in my heart and soul that he will return. We have so much in common and get along great. I guess our problems lie in conflict avoidance and communicating EN's. We'll see what the future holds. Here's to 2006!! 2005 can't end soon enough for me!

I get that feeling to sometimes and we have the same CA and EN issues as well. I feel like I can't open up to my WW for fear she will get upset. That has turned me into a bigtime CA.

I think you are doing great in letting him come to you. He probably has gained some new respect for you on how you are dealing with all of this. Stay strong and confident...he will come back to you, he would be crazy not to!

As for 2005, I 'll be glad when it is over as well. By far the worst year of my life.

[/quote] Sendme, funny my WW said she had the A to "hurt me" also for my exposure to her family and work. I could think of a thousand other ways to hurt me, but she chose the most hurtful way...ouch![/quote]

Hope...she decided to "hurt me" within days of me asking her about a rumored PA she had had 5 years prior. She told me that since we were divorced that "I don't owe you an answer to that question, I am insulted by you even asking". I asked friends, coworkers, I embarrassed myself pretty badly. I was sinking, still reeling from everything that had happened during our divorce proceedings. Then it was confirmed that she started up a PA with the guy from her office. That was it for me Hope...I balled up and did what most here call Plan B. It was all I could do. She could not hurt me any more. She also, after D-day told me that she "hated me and wanted to hurt me and she acted like a wh0re to do it"..my response was "how could you have hurt me at that time when you were lying to protect yourself, it was all about you not me"...Hope, that comment your W made is fog babble at its best...



She was miserable most of the time prior to our divorce. She is quite task oriented and the divorce was a "task". She thought we "could be friends"...my position is that an "amicable divorce" is a friggin OXYMORON at its best. She was not "happy" about the impending D, she was actually passe about it, just something on the list that needed tpo get done. She was mad that I would not leave the house on her terms first it was by the end of the school year, then before school started, then she decided to push it by serving me prior to the holiday season...

She could not hurt me after about 4 months into her new found PA...I actually made jokes about it. She was an officer of a big company "banging a sales guy"... After a few comments made to me when I was out I decided that she needed to "know" what was being said. I asked her if she wanted to hear about it and she said yes...so..I was quite specific and who , when and what these so called "friends" had to say about her. To her they were LB's big time but it was the beginning of my open and honest relationship with her. She was angry with me because I was not hurt any longer. I had accepted our fate. I did not like it but I had accepted it as sometimes the person you love is not ever going to love you back. After this happened I was nice to her but she knew, from other people, that I had begun a new relationship. As that grew I actually was happier. A few months into it I told my gf that she was "someone I would always care deeply for"...and the rest was history....

Hope this took a long time...and was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. You need to understand that right now I am very happy with "us"...I am not, and never will be happy with how we got here....

You'll get there...either way, I am sure of it....I truly hope my experiences help you....

Hope I know that might not exactly be MB advice, but then I think with her attitude, the fact she keeps throwing everything back on you, I would have already been heading to PLAN B, which is MB advice. I have a friend and the one thing I learned from their problems is that your children suffer from living in a household of dysfunction. Even if you think you are trying to keep things together for their good, the turmoil that is boiling underneath hurts the kids and when it erupts hurts them even more.

I just think if you are not going to follow through all the way then take some alternate advice and shake her up, but only when she is the one who initiates the conflict. I would let her know you won't be nice to her when she decides to leave. But if she stays you are more than willing to work on the marriage. I don't consider that a love bust, I consider that the truth.

Hope...knowing what I know now I did have an EA around the time my fwXW had her PA. I did not know about EA at the time. It went as far as the planning of a PA. I was so lonely, so beat down. However, when push came to shove I could not do it (the PA part)...the EA ended too..right then and there....I knew better...so I got myself into other activities, became a prolific hunter, a semi pro photographer of motor racing activities (including NASCAR), coach of football teams, distractions. I repeatedly asked my W to help me but we were too stupid to be honest with each other. We were from the school of "no need to talk about it because we're supossed to know each other"...so we ignored. In hindsight it is all so crystal clear to me but at the time I never saw it. See, there was one thing about our marriage that I was safe with and that was trust....no matter how bad it got I thought I knew her well enough to know if she lied....

So Hope....I KNOW EXACTLY where you're at regarding your unmet needs. Be careful because if a year down the road you're in the same spot you have nobody to blame but yourself.

#1 on my EN list is SF. It is not high on her list. Because we're divorced and had OP (both of us) it becomes a really touchy subject. No pun intended. She thinks I am comparing or will leave to find it elsewhere and I keep thinking, when she says, "you know how I am, I need to feel close to you"....I can't help but thinking of how "close" you felt with these OP....but...I do not think of others or that I "can get it elsewhere"...I'm not that simple of a creature, I know that there is nothing better than SF with a woman deeply in love with you....if it was just the dang act....I can do that all by my lonesome....

I will leave this with what my Dad said to me once when I showed up with a black eye while away at college...

"Son, you were talking, instead of listening".....

he was right...

Well today I did something very, very stupid and I feel awful.

I left work early to take DD to the pediatritian for her fever and rash. Turns out she has Scarlet Fever and is prescribed antibiotics. I get home and my DS is crying because his ear hurts so I dress him up and take him to the doctor. Turns out he has wax build-up on his ear drum that is causing the pain and it will have to be flushed out.

As I am buckling him up in the back seat my BIL (oldest) wife sees me and comes over to talk. With my DS in the back seat I start having a discussion with her outside the car just feet away from DS.

She starts telling me that I'm too soft on WW and should kick her out and that I'm being played for a fool. That she goes to work early and comes home late because she is probably with OM. Well now I'm starting to get worked up and she continues.

She says what does WW think she will do, shack up with him and be the father of your kids.

Well now I am boiling and I loose it in the parking lot. I tell her if my kids are EVER in contact with OM I will F###ing kill him and break his legs. I am enraged and little do I know my DS is taking all this in.

Well after venting I get into the car and my DS is crying so I ask him what is wrong. Weeping, he says "Daddy please don't kill me". I am totally and utterly CRUSHED! I have never felt so unworthy and ashamed to be a father as I did at that moment...and still do. What was I thinking?

I try to explain to him that daddy wasn't refering to him and would never EVER think that about him. I told him daddy was upset at somebody else who did something very bad and daddy was upset, but her would NEVER kill anyone. Sometimes you say things even when you don't mean it.

How else do you explain this to a 5 year old? What an idiot I am!

So we get home and by now WW has arrived. My DS says "mommy, daddy said he want to kill me". She looks at me, but doesn't ask for an expanation and I didn't offer it.

I am not feeling well so as I lie on the couch my DS comes over to lie beside me and as we are lying together he says "daddy please don't break my legs". I just wanted to die right then and there. How could I be so careless in front of my DS?

The effects of this A are slowly filtering out to my kids, family and friends. I hate what it has done to me and my family.

I really hate myself tongit and feel like a poor father. Do things ever get better?

Is your W seeing the OM, Hope?

Hope:

A couple thoughts. First, sorry for your guilt and pain tonight. It must suck, I sympathaize. However, I am very confused what it is that your BIL's Wife told you that was making you so angry? What was so "enlightening"? She didn't tell you anything "new". She didn't let you in on any big secret. She didn't tell you something that 1000 people "looking" at your car crash from the streets couldn't see already? So, my friend, I ask you......WHAT IS IT that she told you that made you "snap"? I don't understand. Help me with this if you would.

Merry X-mas

Lem

Hopes BIL Wfife's

That is probably what set him off. He wants to save his marriage and others close to his WW are seeing how bad he is being worked over by her.

Hope, this is what I was trying to say above about trying to hold together something dysfunctional when it's not working. It gets to the point where it starts hurting the children. Even though you don't mean for it to, words snap out, actions snap out and the kids see it. Don't think the kids are not observing the way you and your wife are acting in the house.

It's why I still think you need the PLAN B.

Hope don't be hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. Your DS has already forgotten it, and I'm sure you've piled your love on him like a warm blanket since then. Have faith that mistakes are mercifully forgotten, and your many warm deeds of love will be what he remembers.

Be careful....if your wife is vindictive she could take your son to a child shrink and have what your son said used against you!!!

Hope,

That type of situation is only going to get worse. Many here, myself included, have advised you to find out the status of her A. Trust me my friend when I tell you I understand what you do not know can not hurt you BUT...you're losing it. Having been down this road I tell you it will not stop. You had someone tell you things that they thought you should know. So here it is...WHACK with the 2x4. Look at LM's post. He says nothing to you that I would not. Really, what has changed is nothing.

I truly believe that you should dump her out on her A$$, expose her for what she really is, stop enabling her!!! Clearly Plan A has not worked on her. What it has done is allow you to see YOURSELF. I assure you that you will be better for it.

Let me ask you something. Do you long for her to leave almost as much as you long for her to snap out of it? If not you will very soon. So..Plan B, today. No X-mas, no holidays....you really do not deserve this crap....and that is what it is. Take your children to family and let her be with the OM...cause I think that we all know she is still involved with OM. All her family and you did was send it into the bowels of the underground....

HTW I can't remember if you said: Can I ask how much history of D there is in your WW's family? My thought is: the less common is D in her family, the harder it will be for your WW to seperate and D. In my case, I think that effect has worked in our favor. Lots of As but only one D in her family. So WW has it in mind that D is rare and difficult, and not the normal path.

HTW,
Don't be so hard on yourself...you are human. I think you handled it well. The best lesson you can teach your children is how to take responsiblity...you did that. You didn't lie to him, you didn't deny you said it...you tried to explain and apologized for upsetting him. Kids are very observant, even very young kids can sense when something is not right. I think you handled it just fine.

We are still in the same place...it sounds like you WW is still in contact with OW. Its not about what you can prove its about what you KNOW. I KNOW my WH is not committed to me or our marriage, he is not willing to address our issues...I'm no longer willing to ignore them. I think I've done plan A way too long, its not going to show him the way. I will plan A through the holiday and then I will ask him to leave....then shortly to plan B. That is what gets me through now...I know there is an end in sight, that I will not allow this to go on indefinitely.