It is time to be VERY clear with your DS and the rest of the kids about what is going on...it is VERY easy for the kids to think the problems you and WW are having are because of THEIR behavior.

What I would do? I would explain to DS that he overheard a conversation with SIL about someone that Mommy works with that she thinks may like mommy. You think this man may like mommy too, and that mommy may like him back. This is what worries you and makes you angry. Tell them what is going on with WW and you have NOTHING to do with anything the kids have said or done...that is between Santa and them... Tell DS particularly that the things you said to SIL were because you were angry with the situation and want to hurt someone...but you would never do that (or would you?)

I have been an advocate of honesty, especially with children. You don't have to tell them every detail, but you need to tell them enough so they can make decisions about how to cope with this change. If you keep them in the dark to "protect" them, children will make up stories about what is going on that generally FAR exceed what the actual facts are...

Well I just drove by the OM office and my WW car is in the parking lot. I really can't take much of this sh1t anymore.

Lem, you asked what was so "enlightening", well I think TooSoon has it right. I'm tired of trying to save our M and being played by my WW. I am starting to hate her for what she is doing.

No x-mas with family and tonight I will ask her to leave!

Hope....I'm sorry..I really am...

now..I implore you to make a plan and stick to it. This is what we're here for! Do not be an emotional, angry, venomous jerk, be calm. I know that none of this is and will be an easy task for you but start the wheels in motion correctly.

Me, I would pack up as much of her stauff as possible and bring it to her family explaining that you have changed the locks on the door and she is no longer welcome in your home. She has not worked on the marriage and doesn't intend to. As such you have no choice. Take the children somewhere else. Do not "wait for her"...

I absolutely know that this is horrible for you and that you're mind is going crazy....please be rash if you can....keep us up to date. Understand that there is nothing you can do to change her...so change yourself and your surroundings....be certain to EXPOSE!!!

This must be so hard for you. At least you know for sure now that they are still in contact. Clear your mind and calm your heart. You can do this and you & the kids will be alright. What are your plans?

HTW-

At this point, I'd call her out on it...make it clear that she's crossed a line again, and that you're NOT going to just sit there and let her get away with it.

Decide on what your response is on this...and ACT ON IT.

A BS only has so much he or she can take and then you need to get the WS out of your sight and out of your mind.

When I reached my breaking point, I packed every stich of clothing my FWW and dumped them into garbage bags for her. I included shoes, coats, clothes, books, and anything I could find that was hers. Our LR was wall to wall stuff. I filled her trunk and her back seat and told her to leave and enjoy her misrable F.....g life with her OM.

Radical problems require radical solutions so don't be afraid to become radical.

TooSoon

Hope my prayers are with you. I did a devotion on trials today and posted it under the prayer section if you want to read it. Sometimes you have to go through the real hard parts of life before you can experience joy. Sometimes it means making those tough choices, those right decisions, and sticking to them for the better of others. God puts us through trials molding us, shaping us, to make us stronger. Keep strong Hope..even the name you picked in the begining, Hope This Works has optimism, you haven't given up, you are just moving forward with a plan....stick to the plan, PLAN B and move her out NOW. Let her feel the impact of missing Christmas with the kids and let everyone know that she would rather be with the OM than her family at Christmas. EXPOSE her affair for what it is.

My 2 BIL will be following her on Friday and my dad is hiring a PI to foller her. Knowing this should I wait it out a bit longer to use for one last big exposure prior to Plan B?

It will be very hard for me not to show any emotion towards her tonight. I had a feeling something was up since she was treating me nicer last night and this morning. That makes me sick.

I videotaped her car in the parking lot and would like to have stay there all day but both my kids are sick and I felt bad having my MIL watch them.

I think the PI route sounds interesting since it may even give me some support in court. Although I have had enough I may see what this produces over the next week.

Any thoughts...

If you are going to have a PI follow her, then don't do anything until the PI gets their info. In some states just being behind closed doors alone is considered proof enough for adultery. You want that proof for court. Keep the video and any other evidence you gather and keep quiet about it.

In this case I change course and say play sweet as you can be while the PI follows her around. Keep the kids for her. Let her go out. Let her do her own things, just don't over play your hand where she gets suspicious.

Get the PI on her quick....she is up to something.

Knowledge is Power for the BS. The more I learned and knew about my FWW's OM, the more open and truthful my FWW would become to me.

At first, she would only give me small pieces of the puzzle because she was protecting the secret lives they were living. When I produced his name, address, type of car, the college he went to, where he lived in college, his parents name and address, his work, his civil record which showed his marriage and his divorce, and his age, I got her attention really quick.

When she still continued to lie, I called the OM's parents and asked for their help. They blamed my FWW 100% and their call to their son (OM) began the process of really bringing the affair to the light of day and be scrutinized by others. They were worried about their son's possible loss of job and carreer became a real concern. The parents also became worried that I would try and hurt their son and asked me if I was threatening to do harm to the OM. I told them that neither my wife or their son was worth going to jail over and if I was going to hurt them, I would have done it by now since I had his name and address, etc.

The PI is good and the power of the knowlwdge is even better if you take the knowledge and use it properly. I even somewhat balckmailed my FWW with the information and of the threatening to do more damage to her and the OM unless she stopped the affair. Deep down inside, my FWW was madly inlove with the OM but she knew she was doing wrong by her actions.

TooSoon

Ok so I will hold off for a little while longer to see what the PI comes up with.

Will try to get the PI on her tail starting this Friday. I have given him everything he needs to get started.

Now let's say he is successful in getting incriminating information, what would be the best course of action.

It will be expensive so hopefully he comes up with something quick.

I think exposure or the threat of expsoure is the best way to break the affair. It worked so well for me. You must find out everything you can about the OM and use it against him with your wife. Do civil and criminal checks on him, etc.

You must bring reality and pain to the fantasy. The lovers must be scrutinized by others around them. He must be known as the marriage breaker and your wife must be known for what she is. They will hate you but they already do so that doesn't matter. Fight as dirty as you can to break the affair, yet try and make yourself be the person she wants to come back too. Update her family of her actions, etc. so they can put pressure on her. The affairs thrive in secrecy and once exposed, the thrill of the affair changes to embarrassment and humiliation. It will be harder for her to lie.

See what he finds out and assess the sitch at that time.

toosoon

Hi HTW, I haven't posted in awhile but I have been keeping up with your sitch. I think I know how you felt when you saw her car. I remember similar sitches with my H. Stay strong and keep your eyes on the prize. The vets are giving you great advice and support.

I hope the PI is quick and thorough. Please use the information you gain to cause the A to end. I agree with the vets, Exposure is your greatest weapon in getting these two selfish creatures to wake up and put an end to the ****** they are causing.

God bless,
Loni

Hi Hope,

Just want you to know you are in my thoughts today. Take care.

Good morning Hope. I had you on my mind this morning. A member of my family went through the process of using a PI because of a WS. They gave the WS the opportunity to meet up with the OP just as they always had so the PI could shoot the pictures. In fact they pulled the car face to face with the PI. It about scared the PI half to death. He thought he was busted, but they were clueless. Once the PI had the pictures and my relative knew it they were already to have divorce papers delivered.

Now I would suggest you at least be prepared with your lawyer, and set PLAN B in motion to put her out of the house. I think if you give her some freedom Friday night to hang out, she will head to the OM, let the PI follow and I'm sure he will get some pictures. Then move to PLAN B and she will be out before Christmas day. I think by doing that you will make the most impact. You have enough already to confront her and say you know she has been with him again. You have it on video that her car is in the parking lot. And if you need to the PI can also get some follow up info on the guy afterwards. I'm sure once the stuff hits the fan he will turn to his other women and that is when you find out more info about him.

She has to feel the trauma of her actions in order to seek out help to make a change in her life. She isn't going to do it just cruising along in life. I think it's time to act Hope. I'm praying for you my brother. I know it's difficult, but there are times we must go through difficult trials to become stronger.

When my WW arrived home last night I just avoided her for fear of Lb'ing. I can't even look at her in the face now for all the lies and deciept.

Never the less, she came home like everything was normal and played with the kids and seemed to be over doing it with them, almost as if she was trying to hard to be fun and loving to them. Maybe some of her guilt was causing this. I really bothers me that she can be so loving to the kids after being in contact with OM.

My son asked her why she leaves so early in the morning and she replied that she had to give her friend a lift to work since she didn't have a lift. Well her friend works at a different location than OM so I said "your old boss called and was trying to get a hold of you today (true) and I told her she is probably at XYZ (not where OM works) today". She didn't respond.

I'm really hoping the PI gets paydirt with his investigation. I am going to talk to Steve tomorrow to get his advice on exposure and when to go into plan B. I will tell him my energy level is critically low and I need some relief from this chaos.

I know many of you have suggested that I "kick her out" however others including MM and Mr. W have suggested this is the wrong approach and may make her look like the victim. I'm still stuggling with the best way to approach this. If PI is successful then she can't really play the victim card against me.

SHMI, I'm not convinced I should tell my kids that mommy may like someone at her work. My WW will go ballistic and feel like I am using the kids as ponds. I feel really awkward about this. They are 4 and 5, do you really think they are old enough to understand this?

AskMe, thanks for the prayers and I did read the devotion on trials. Boy do I ever feel like I'm being tested right now. Honestly, my faith is being tested lately and what I always remind myself is that it is easy to have faith when things are good, it is when things are at there worst, and you faith is tested that you really see the true meaning of faith. I still keep the small rosary that I found on exposure day #2 very close to me. I have no doubt it was a sign from God that he is with me through this time of trials.

Sendme & TooSoon, the day of radical solutions may be fast approaching. My dad just called and is going to visit the PI who will try to tap her cell phone as well. This could and probably will get much uglier before it gets better. I didn't think that would be possible.

WW two brothers will be following her tomorrow to she what she is up to. This situation needs a crisis and that time may be fast approaching. I really feel like I am better equipped to handle whatever happens now as opposed to just a few months ago.

Hope as far as your children you always tell them what they need to know at a level that is appropriate for their age. At some point it's going to become obvious there is a serious problem and they will need to know the problem is about you and your wife and has nothing to do with them. You need to always reassure them you both love them and nothing they have done has caused any problems. Children can understand things at a simple level. I understood at 5 years old that my mother was leaving her 2nd husband beecause of problems. So as long as you talk and reassure them you love them and talk things through that will help a lot.

Askme, my parents are coming over for Christmas eve on Friday night so she will be home with us. How strange will that be knowing that my dad is hiring a PI on her?

I don't know if the PA is continuing but I know for sure the EA is. Either way I can't accept this.

She doesn't go out at night or talk on the phone so her A is going on during the day.

She hasn't taken any holidays next week so I have a feeling she will be in contact with OM and hopefully I will catch her holding the bag.

Hope you learn to deal with the things you have to deal with. We had lie to my father-in-law to get him to see our counselor because he had been molesting our daughter. We told him that he was going to be helping us with marriage counseling. Now that was weird having both mother inlaw and father inlaw show up thinking they were there for one thing and find out it was for something totally different. We sat in the waiting room for about 30 minutes with them and my brother-in-law who was there too.

And you know what, I have learned to talk more openly because of all of what I have gone through. I have learned to become more firm when it comes to something I strongly belive in for my family. As I said, God molds us and shapes us through the trials. And things may not always turn out as we want, but as we live according to God's word we are living according to His plan.

Hope the intent in all of this is to expose the sin, and confront it. The bible says if the person is unwilling to listen believers are to separate themselves from the sinner in hopes they will come to repentance. The idea is to make them feel alone in the world with their sin. I believe the same holds true in marriage, with the hope for reconciliation. I don't believe in divorce. I come from a hope where my mother was divorced twice. And by grace I have been married 26 years. Your wife has fallen into sin and unfortunately that is where she is choosing to be.

I am glad you have been faithful so far in being a good father to your children. I am glad you have also not turned to your temptations. I think that is very admirable of you. Count it a blessing and strength from God that you have remained faithful.

There are many who have said they are praying. You have family on your side. And I have seen who looks like hopeless marriages turn around. So keep your faith, pray that God will change your wife. Pray that God convicts her of her sin. Pray that God reveals her sin to all. Pray that God does what it takes to break her. Trust me, God can do what man cannot do.

Let me just say my wife prayed that I would be a broken and humble man and in a week God humbled me deeply and changed my life. I know God changes people.