(((hope)))
I've been thinking about you today. When I caught my WH/OW on tape I was physically sick and didn't sleep for days. I had already hired the PI (btw my Dad paid for). It was several days before PI was to follow WH...I couldn't look at him. At that point a had all the proof I needed but I wanted 3rd party confirmation for my lawyer. It just really turned my stomach how smug he was thinking of all he was getting away with. He too over compensated with the kids...still does with my DD.

My kids already knew OW and her family. I told them that I didn't like the friendship w/ OW and that I didn't like the way Daddy acted or the things he did when he saw her. And that we wouldn't be going there anymore and they wouldn't be coming to our house either. My kids were relieved...they didn't like the way Daddy was acting either...there was usually a lot of alcohol involved. To this day my kids never ask to see them, these were people we saw every weekend and went on vacation with.

Stay strong and constant with your kids.
You will be in my prayers.

YES!!! I wholeheartedly believe in telling the children the TRUTH no matter what. What is difficult is you want to keep from putting your spin on it. You start with a very simple explanation, like, Mommy has a friend at work she is very close to, he is a man, and I am not happy about the time she spends with him...then you leave the door open for them to ask questions...you go WAAAaaaaay beyond what seems normal in explaining that what is going on has NOTHING to do with anything they have said or done or the way they have acted. That mommy and daddy love them both VERY much...and let them know you are doing what you can to work this out.

You have seen what happens when you keep them in the dark...for heavens sakes, your DS thinks you are trying to kill him...they will invent a scenario.

Children understand a GREAT deal of what goes on, and if they don't, then it is our jobs as parents to explain it to them...

How do you explain war, love, death, God? If you don't explain it it doesn't just go away...they are still exposed, they will find their explanation elsewhere...

Just received a call from my dad that the PI has started his work on the investigation. My dad said it's all taken care of so just concentrate on yourself and have a nice holiday. I'm so lucky to have my family's support.

Askme, you said...

I am starting feel the same way although I notice it much more with family and friends and not yet with WW.

Trust me, if the PI gets paydirt her sin will be exposed to all that matter. My M is dead anyway so the only chance I have is to expose and seperate myself from her if necessary.

The temptations you talk about come and go. I used to surf online porn before all this happened, I haven't done so since even though the temptation is still there. Funny I have prayed for many things, but never for a "broken and humble" wife. I will do that today even though she is no where near being broken. I'm curious what happen in your case the broke you?

C42, what do you think is causing the over compensation with the kids? I believe it is the guilt they are feeling. She is great when she is with them, if only she would spend more time with them and less time at work or excersizing. Her treadmill is broken, in fact I was the one who broke it becuase I was sick and tired of her putting excercising before her family. Is this wrong?

STMI, I don't want my kids to hate their mother even though the things she is doing may warrant that. I'm still uncertain about this.

I think its part guilt and part trying to prove that they are still a good parent and that their behavior doesn't effect the kids.

Does she use exercise as escape? Has she always been into exercising? They say thats part of A sometimes...her priorities are jumbled right now her top priority is hiding A exposure will solve that problem.

Hope, This has been my experience. Regarding children, I believe in total honestly but at an age appropriate level and not too much info. Initially I told my son that Daddy was confused and didn't know if he wanted to be married to mom anymore. I told him this sometimes happens to men around dad's age and that I was hoping dad would get counseling and someday want to stay married. I constantly reassure DS that this has nothing to do with him and no matter what daddy loves you more than anything. I try to be honest and as hard as it may be, I don't put WH down in front of DS.

Ages 4&5 are too young to tell them mommy has a boyfriend. I would tell them something along the lines of "mommy's confused about her feelings towards daddy" and reassure them that their world won't change. Mom & dad will continue to take care of them and will always love them, etc. I would stick to any and all routines right now. They get a lot of comfort in that. You are an awesome hands on dad Hope!

When my WH 1st moved out my DS10 two main concerns were: who's going to keep us safe at home? My answer: Mommy is. And heartbreaking question #2: Is daddy living in a rough neighborhood? Will he be safe? I reassured him that yes, daddy would be safe as well.

Now that my son has met OW and knows the whole scoop, if I try to tell him dad's confused, he says "No he's not. He's just stupid!" He won't get any argument from me there!

She has always wanted to excercise and has to a certain degree only now she seems obseesed by it. She runs on the treamill everyother day for 30 minutes and does Pilates 2 to 3 times a week for 1 hour at a time.

Her wardrobe has expanded dramaticlly in the past 12 months where as she used to be very careful on how she spends her money, not anymore. She has lost weight and dresses more like a 23 year old as opposed to a 33 year old. She showers every weekday whereas she used to shower a 2-3 times a week in the evening. She spends much more time on her hair and makeup now. In May she racked up over $600 in lingere and a few weeks later I got the "I feel funny around you talk".

She once said the OM takes her away from her problems so in that sense it is an escape for her.

She spends money much more freely than before, however gets upset if the credit card is not paid in time and we incur interest charges. However she will see nothing wrong with routinely dropping a couple of hunderd dollars on new outfit.

Everything about her seems so superficial right now. There is not much there once you scratch the surface. It is not an attractive quality at all.

She used to be more sypathetic to problems others had, but can't really be bothered now. She will be nice to you if you don't question her actions but gets angry if you do.

Hope,
One thing that concerns me is how involved your dad is becoming. It really makes me uneasy that he will be listening to tapes of your wife and her boyfriend. If you plan on rebuilding your marriage some day this could be a huge obstacle to overcome for both your wife and your dad. Please think about that.

I know what Shattered is saying about your dad. You just need to checkpoint that your dad's involvement to hire the PI is to help break your wife to heal the marriage, not break the WW to destroy the marriage. Parents of the BS sometimes will hold resentment for a long time against the WS, so it's something to talk over with your dad. You just want to make sure he understands you want your marriage to survive if possible and no backlash from others.

You asked what broke me, you wouldn't believe me if I told you. I'm a recovering sex addict. I'll just say my wife prayed that God would reveal and humble whatever my problem was. She prayed all week. At the end of the week I had law enforcement officers investigate me for something I did not do, but it revealed all the junk I was doing and made me realize my problem. The law enforcement officers were gone the next day never to return, but then I had to humble myself and work on my problems, which I did. God amazingly knows how to break a person and bring them to their knees.

Shattered and Askme,

I just spoke to my dad and asked that the PI deal with me instead of him since I did not want him to be involved with andy details if they arise. He agreed and will call the PI to have them deal through me alone. I told my dad that I will tell him if they find proof of A but I don't want him to know the details if discovered. I explained that I didn't want any hard feelings between my parents and WW or vise versa in the possibility that we reconcile. He understood and agreed to support my decision whatever it is.

My WW just called and said she is working late tonight since she started late to take my DS to the doctor. Then my BIL called and said he wanted to see where she goes after work tonight and asked me where she was working from.

I can smell a crisis coming soon and the after effects will be ugly. I just want relief from all of this crap. I want my life back.

Askme, I'm glad your W prayers were answered and it amazes me how situations can turn around when least expected. That is why I will always have even the smallest amount of hope.

Your posts cause me to remember so many things my FWW did too. Mine worked on the treadmill 5 to 6 nights a week. Her friends at work voted her the best dressed at the office since she was buying new clothes all the time. She would leave for work early and come home late and prior to DD, she was preparing me for her to have to work Saturdays because they were so far behind. I said absolutely not, she worked for a government funded agency and I said that type of work never ends.

Your wife is in very deep, like my FWW was back then. Get the info from the PI and look at it in the same manner as a carpenter looks at a hammer. The information is the tool you need to fully expose the lovers to their friends, family, and peers. Their love will be tested to the max after exposure. Bring as much humiliation to the couple as it takes to have the relationship be scrutinized by everyone and reality will then get in the way of the fantasy perfect relationship.

I feel real bad for you but you can live through this.

TS

Hope,

I have been catching up on your thread...just wanted to tell you that I am praying for you all.

I don't have much to offer in the way of advice...just sending thoughts, prayers and support your way.

I would love to shake some sense into your ww. Now days...I can hardly believe that I was one myself...I have God to thank for shaking sense into me and h to thank for keeping me.

You take care,
Brandi <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope I have been praying this afternoon for you. I have this feeling tonight isn't about working late. It's about being with the OM. Holidays and merry cheer go hand in hand.

I'm praying for you buddy....hang in there and pray your WW be broken whatever it takes. God can do amazing things. He makes people show up on your front door step when you don't expect it and when you have no clue why. He can even have them open up evey email account and expose it right there in front of you. Amazing how God works to break a man and make him humble. And then He put in place all the pieces I needs to turn my life around. So keep the hope up, things can always change. Sometimes they just have to get really bad first. Look at Job, he lost it all, and then got twice as much back.

Hi Hope,
Just checking in on you.
What will BIL do if he does find his sister w/ OM?
Will he confront them?

HTW:

I have been wondering this also. I fully understand the benefit of exposure, and I think the family knowing of repeated "exposure" will help hopefully kill the affair.....BUT I do not believe in any way, shape, or form that your WW is gonna just "wake up" with another "exposure" or another fmaily intervention.

She is way out there, and you are gonna have to do what you are deathly afradi of doing......PLAN B...once again though, the PLAN B would be IMO for YOUR OWN SANITY and HEALTH. Yes, you will help preserve your love for your wife, but I think you are dangeroulsy on "E" here.

I hope that in your own fogged up BS mind, you are not expecting a PI or a BIL "finding" her cheating to bring her back to you. Your WW has more than declared what she thinks of you and your marriage RIGHT NOW. Yes, she may change her view on this, but it will NOT be because anyone "woke" her up or "guilted" her into coming back to you.

I suspect you know all this already.

Sigh..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Lem

Hope been praying for you this morning. Catch us up on any details when you can.

TooSoon,

Just before d-day #1 my WW started to work Saturdays also. She even worked to 9:00 on the Friday before a long weekend. At the time my neighbour said "who works late just before a long weekend?". I didn't want to see the red flags that were all infront of me.

Last night had me thinking to a weekend in early April where my WW was really stressed and angry towards me, unusually so. I happened to read an email exchange between OM and WW where my WW found out OM was lying to her about work related stuff and ended curtly. OM replied by saying my WW friendship means more than any job. I guess I took the aftershock of that.

Brandi, thanks for the support. I hope things are still improving with your BH.

Askme, my WW returned home at 7:15 last night and I drove by her office at 5:00 and saw her car there (it is a 30 minute drive to her office). So I don't think she was in physical contact with OM last night.

I have started to include a prayer for a broken and humble WW in my prayers. That really is amazing how you were forced to open up all your email accounts for an unrelated reason. He does work in mysterious ways. I always have hope, if I didn't I would give up.

C42, when BIL arrived there at 6:55, her car wasn't there and she came home at 7:15 so he didn't see anything. Today she just left at 6:10 and was going to her office with some presnets for co-workers...none for OM that I saw. She said she will be home early today.

Hi Lem good to see you back here over the past couple of days. I don't believe my WW will "wake up" either. I want some solid proof for several reasons:

1) She has repeatedly told her family there is no more R with OM and they said if they find out otherwise she is cut off from them so proof will help isolate her here.

2) Proof that I can use to expose to her work again and have OM and WW fired.

3) As MM suggested I need to create a crisis for WW.

NO I don't expect my WW to suddenly change her mind and decide to committ to our M. But I want to see what happens to OM once he gets a taste of this pressure cooker. Will her bail or stay with my WW?

The Cell phone bills that I reviewed later in great detail showed everything. It showed when she would call on the way to work, at lunch, and immediately after work.

In time, all the pieces fall into place. If they don't, it means they are hiding something. Once the WS becomes radically honest with you, they help put all the details that you couldn't figure out together. Some of these will be tough to take, like the trip to the store right before or right after a special holiday, your birthday or hers etc, and you find out later it was so they could call their lover.

It is so painful for us all to go through the Betrayal but I can tell you, there is life after an affair with your WS. It is hard to explain but I have learned to retrust my FWW, but not unconditionly. She is emotionally home with the family and she has reconnected.

Like so many, I knew she had an OM, I just didn't want to confirm it. There were too many signs. Late nights movie with the girls, etc. I thought it could end and everything would be alright. I didn't end until I ended it for her. She was enjoying the attention and she was in love and addicted.

I have been permanently changed as a result of the affair. I know she is capable of cheating and I know she could do it again. In the past, I didn't believe she was even capable of infidelity. I know she could lie again because she learned to lie so well which was also a big shocker for me.

I have asked her to never betray me again or if she is falling for someone, just tell me and we can divorce. I told her I do not have it in me to go through it again. I would be devistated if she wanted a divorce, but I would not be shocked or surprised. I would be able to better accept it then before. I can't believe I have come to this point in my life but after all the he11, I would give her the life she wants.

Please understand, we are doing well today but I relive my ordeal through yours and other stories on the BB's. I am a changed man and I know my capabilities and the lack of them now. I completely empathize with you but just don't quit because saving the family is worth it.

TS

You know Hope, if it were about having your wife fired you could always insist she quit her job. You could always pack up and move. There are options to move her away from the OM. They take tough decisions, but what you are doing is tough anyway.

Lem has some good points, but I'll say this. My wake up call unexpected from an outside source. It also came to light at my work. It was there that I broke down and realized I could have lost everything for my sexual addiction. Maybe if something comes to light at your wifes work in front of her co-workers it will be enough to cause her to break down.

Hope, did you ever investigate the OM's marital backround? The last I read, all you knew was what he told your WW that he was "getting" divorced" or something vague like that. If he is not divorced, I would have the P.I. [or you] contact her when you do this exposure. He may very well be married and carrying on a parallel life.

Shattered, I have a little different take on telling children about affairs, because I suffered the consequences of secrecy as a child.[age 4-5] My mother's secrecy about my father's affair left lasting scars on me. My father had affairs when I was little to which I was exposed. This instinctively seemed very wrong to me but no one ever said it was wrong. My dad even introduced me to his OW.

This caused great moral confusion and self doubt in me. I grew up morally confused because my mother would not clearly define right and wrong for me and validate my sense of morality.

I learned through this experience that I must be a very stupid girl because what seemed clearly wrong to ME was not wrong to adults. I learned then that a) I was a stupid girl and b) that my instincts about right and wrong were apparently incorrect.

I needed my mother's moral guidance and validation of my instincts. Her failure to do this just left me deeply morally confused.

I think its a huge mistake to not tell children the truth - in an age appropriate way - because it does leave them morally confused. Children can deal with the truth about these issues, much better than lies as long as their parents provide MORAL GUIDANCE. And neutrality is NOT a substitute for moral guidance.