Hope, I support giving the PI some time to gather evidence because ultimately I think about the welfare of the children. And anything you can do to get evidence to support your case against your wife is helpful. You have waited this long a little more patience will not hurt. If she is getting closer to moving out then she will be closer to slipping up and making mistakes that the PI will trap. So keep quiet on the PI for now and let him do his work.

HTW it's clear that you are in some serious pain. You've shown every day for months now that you are a strong person. Keep it up. This will pass.

Continue to be strong, lean on your friends and trust in God. He will carry you through this. It's his battle, I believe it's your job to continue to do your best to understand his wishes and do what he asks. Then leave the outcome to him and rest peacefully with the knowledge that you've done the right thing. And you have. Keep it up.


You had mentioned 2 weeks for the PI - where does that time frame come from? If it's really 2 weeks, I also think it makes sense for the PI to have enough time to get his work done in order to best protect the kids. Your WW seems to have some sort of timeline as well. I'm sure you're also taking that into account.

Although you've been badly treated by your WW, some of your posts show that she can be a loving and reasonable person. At some point she will be out of the fog and you will again see the woman you love. It could happen that eventually your WW will just get bored and tired of OM, or vice versa. MB says most affairs wind down on their own. But in the meantime that could involve a lot of misery for you, and a bad situation for the kids. If the PI has some revealing info, you may do better to use it rather than continue swallowing this misery.

You're doing great. Keep being a good dad and be true to your M. Your kids need you more than ever right now. And you them. And although your WW may not recognize it now, she also needs your strength.

((hope))
It sounds like you have a rough road ahead. In my state you need grounds for divorce...proving adultry does that but it does not come in to play with child custody issues unless, drug use or criminal behavior is involved. Who is the primary parent now?
Be careful on how much detail you find out. I mean you already know they are in contact....finding out the gory details may really take a toll on YOUR love bank. Don't wait TOO long for plan B. You have wonderful advisors that know way more than I do. Its just a person can take just so much...I worry about you.

Hope, you sound like a fantastic father to me and I think you do have a chance at full custody. If you loose full custody, you are not throwing away your chance at 50/50. I even wanted to ask, are you a stay at home father? You seem to be the one who takes them to the docs, takes care of them when they are sick and WW is out with OM, etc. The courts have become politically correct and are trying to catch up on father's rights. Just continue to keep a log of everything.

What state do you live in Hope? Maybe we can do some research on custody laws and patterns in your state. Another question, if WW files first, what are her grounds??????? Irreconcilable differences? Then you can explain to the judge, yes, she had a boyfriend and we couldn't agree to keep him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Don't let her scare you Hope.

Hope,

I think you stand a very good chance at custody. My former BIL got custody and a big factor was my wife and IL's williness to testify in court on his behalf that he would be the better parent.

Good luck if it comes to that.

HTW: How ya doing?

wnh, I'm doing well given the circumstances. There is not much new to report in my situation and I'm still awaiting news on what the PI is uncovering.

All this week she has left for work at a normal time (8:30 am) and returned at a normal time (6:00). I also know her best friend from work is on holidays.

I found out that the house my WW and her friend went to was a house a block away from her friend. I don't think this was OM's house but I will have to confirm.

She is still cold to me and very distant to the point where I find it hard to talk to her. Since I have been on holidays this week I have focused on my kids and have been having a great time with them. They help me take my mind off all of the problems I am currently facing.

With all the chaos around me I find myself making plans for the future without my WW in it. Some of the plans include taking dance lessons (yes I know that sounds corny) and doing some renovations around the house. Making these plans has relaxed me somewhat and taken the focus of my WW. I'm still hoping we can reconcile, but I won't kill myself hoping she comes around.

I know I have much to offer anyone in a R especially given what I have been through as a BS and all the things I have learned. Hopefully she will be the recipient of what I have to give and if not then I will make someone else very happy.

I'm also getting tired of people telling me to "get over it". It is as if they are refering to a ruined dress or broken toy. I will "get over it" in time but I don't need to hear that from people who are close to me.

My WW was in a really cleaning frenzy last night since she decided to organize and cleanup the basement where the kids have there toys. I haven't seen that from her in a while especially on a week night.

So that's it for now...

Yeah I know the 'get over it' thing. I got that directly from my WW. Those of us have been BS know what a dumb statement that is.

IMHO you can't get over it quickly. Takes a lot of time. Your WW could help, but without her help I think time is needed. In my case a new relationship with God has come about; that has helped also. Still I think it will just take some time.

Best wishes. Cheering for you always.

I have said many times that I will never "get over it"...it is not in my nature...what I am doing is "getting through it"...see..I can get over someone not repaying a debt, or a friend being inconsiderate or even rude. That I can get over. But the person I love betraying me with immense lies and deceipt. By being intimate with another man....no...I'm never getting over it...cause when I think of it..I'm not over it, I have not forgiven it....I have accepted it...that is all...

So Hope....you'll get through it.....

Be honest with family and friends....one of our (note I said our) best friends during our whole ordeal would be very open and honest with us...I told him when he told me that "this was the best thing that could happen".(when discussing her divorce action).....that I would knock his A$$ out if he said it again....so they're all well meaning Hope...just be honest with them...didn't you ever notice that many folks do not really want to talk about all that you're going through.....

Hey, HTW, is everything ok? ^Bump^ this so you'll know we're all wondering how you're doing.

Thanks Rejected.

I'm doing as well as can be expected given my situation. My WW and I haven't had any real R talk since the last major half day session we had 6 weeks ago. That was really draining for both of us and I didn't really see any positives come out of it since we both LB'ed and focused on past issues.

She is still cold and distant to me and probably even more so than before. Beneath the surface, there is much anger at me and I'm not quite sure what is manifesting it. We don't really talk to each other that much since I only usually get curt answers from her.

Sendme, mentioned that the anger could be as a result of things I did or didn't do in our M and it could also be that she is angry at herself as a result of the guilt and shame or her A. I don't see the guilt and shame in her so I am inclined to believe her anger is still a funcion of me.
The underlying anger really intrigues me. Do others have comments on this?

She doesn't want me to do anything for her, however she still does some things for me including, washing my clothes, cooking meals, even making me a coffee. The funny thing is we are spending much more time together as a family now. Over the weekend we played board games together (as a family) and just spent much or our time in close proximity.

I have noticed myself slowly detaching from my WW and I don't think I'm doing it purposely. It just seems to be a mechanism to protect me from the hurt. I find myself less anxious and worried about what she is doing while at work.

I'm also finding myself eager to regain my life, whether it is with her or without her. I want her in my life and committed to our M and family. I've realized that I WANT her, but I don't NEED her.

Hope that is one of the healthiest comments you could make. People forget they existed without their spouse prior to marriage. They marry and think they cannot exist without the spouse. It's a nice statement to make to the spouse, but it's not a healthy thought for yourself. We all should be able to exist independantly as well as united.

The cold and distance feelings you are getting from her could just be the feelings for the OM. She may be thinking about the fantasy life and resenting her reality life. And so you are feeling the resentment she has for not being able to shake of the reality around her.

Hope...reread this 1,000 times...IT IS HEALTHY! So...as you start to feel better about yourself and your positive attributes you'll see that you're changing...and some day your W will see that change....my xw did....rather quickly...but because of our D it took a long time to allow her "over my wall"....

Good luck my friend...You have my e-mail...feel free to use it

hope, her anger is pretty typical of a WS who is in an affair. See, she needs to demonize you in order to justify her affair. She is hoping you will react to her anger in kind, so she can use it as ammunition against you.

This is not going to help my situation...

Remember that good looking girl that I described a while back that laughed at my jokes, was kind, found me interesting and was fun to be around...well I just found out she is transfering to my department and will be located about 15 feet from my office.

I have a real funny feeling inside of me right now that is making me feel uncomfortable.

HTW,

BE CAREFUL!!! You know you are vulnerable right now...no need to add more fog! No out of work socializing. Limit your contact with her since you feel so attracted to her. She is a distraction and you are at war.

Focus, damn it!

(Rude huh? That's me. I've made a life being that way. If I was there with you, I'd smack you up 'long side yer haid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And yeah, I AM big enough to do it. haha)

Seriously, pardner, you have GOT to maintain your self-discipline now or you'll be doing something no less cheap, filthy, and sordid as what your wife is doing. You want that? Let me put it this way. Do nothing you wouldn't do with your two small children standing there watching you and absorbing everything you do and say.

Now...what's the latest on the PI?

C42, that is a HUGE understatement! She could probably provide me with EVERYTHING and MORE that my WW was incapable of providing for the past 6 months. When I asked my WW a few weeks ago how she would feel if I did to her what she did to me...you know what she said? She said that if I did it a few years ago she would be devastated, but if I did it now she would understand why.


I know it is fog, but it feels SOOOO much better than the BS fog that I have been in for the past 6 months. I'm finally starting to crawl out of the he11 hole that my WW dug me in and now that I am finally starting to feel remotely better about myself and regain some of what was stolen from me, I have this to deal with.

Six months of giving EVERYTHING to my WW for cheatting, lying, betraying, deceiving, destroying. Six months of being hurt like I never knew possible. Six months of no remorse on her part...

...and now that I'm starting to feel good about how someone else is making me feel, I have to bury these feelings I have. I will be seeing this woman everyday for hours at at time and I am expected to supress how she makes me feel so I can go home and have my WW treat me like a piece of the furniture?


She will be only feet from my office and I will see her for hours at at time. I will be expected to work with her on special projects. I have had dreams about her for heavens sake.

I hate my WW for putting me into this position! Six months ago this would have had no effect on me, now I feel something I haven't felt in a VERY, VERY long time... and if feel GOOD for once!

HTW-

Perhaps you need to consider a job change or something similar...at least for the short term until things are resolved one way or another on your homefront situation.

I've been in similar shoes. When I was in the midst of trying to save my marriage, and during the time when my wife was still insistent that she was going to move out and etc...there was a very attractive young lady that started coming around my cube...one that I'd worked with before and that I had taken the hint from her a few times that she was interested in me...and I started talking with her about the whole mess I was in...YES I WAS TEMPTED.

But...once I realized what I was doing, I backed WAY off from her. Let her know that I really needed to stop chatting with her...told her up front that the worst thing I could do at this point would be to start talking about relationship problems with any woman...

And that nipped it in the bud. I still run into her every once in a while...but, now I'm happily married, and from what I understand she's got someone too...which is a GOOD thing! But...had I not taken the action I did...it would have certainly made things much worse for everyone involved.

Longhorn, firstly the PI has not uncovered anything incriminating on my WW. If they don't find anything by the end of this week, we will probably call it off since it can get expensive.

Based on how she acted before going to work on Dec 22 (the last time she was in physical contact with OM), I know what to look for now. She was happy and even nice to me the night before and that morning. She actually took my temperature to see if I was sick before going to work. I had a gut feeling something was up...and I was right. I remember Orchid once saying "if WW is nice to you run, if W is nice to you, think of running". How true...

Secondly, I have been living off of crumbs from my WW for the past 6 months and I'm getting hungry.

All I want right now is to be able to relax in my home and maybe have a nice night with someone who cares for me. Someone I can put my arm around, someone I can talk to who isn't angry with me or upset at me, someone who respects me, someone who admires me, someone who does something nice for me, someone who would rather spend time with me than exercising or working, and someone who makes me feel good about myself.

That is all I want right now.

Owl, She will only be here for 6 months and I will not consider a job change at this time. Not with the possibility of my WW leaving and having to support my family.

She actually smiles when she talks to me. That little action alone is in sharp contrast to my WW coldness when she talks. Anyway she doesn't start for another 2-3 weeks so I have time to prepare.