And I think you still can play the adultery card, you have a current video of her car in the parking lot of the OM office when she is not suppose to be there.

I think first making the first move gives you the advantage. I would call my lawyer right now and start the process quickly. Letting her be in control is only going to cause you to loose custody, and loose posession of the house. Because what will happen is she will get the first court order to have you put out of the house until a hearing can take place.

See, part of the problem here is the assumption that Hope is in control of what his W will do. He is not. Right now he is living with someone that is slowly killing him with emotional abuse. His only recourse in all of this is to sue his wife for divorce, seeking the marital residence, physical custody of the children, and an equitable distribution of assets. He is under the assumption that he has "lost" if he does this because it is not "what he wants"...See, his options regarding a divorce are so much more clear cut, her adultery and emotional abuse is enough. However, the laws where he lives can be very different than what we're used to. I would not agree to a separation and it appears he will not either, at least not on her terms (custody was my issue too). So if they can not AGREE on separation terms the only option is Divorce.
Look, make no bones about it. this guy has gone through enough and wife is hellbent on making life miserable. Plan B while working on Plan D may be in order and the only way to get her removed from the house and getting temp custody until the courts hear the case. I had the SAME EXACT options my XW did. I refused to take that road AGAINST the advice of my attorney. At least I held onto my belief that Divorce was not MY option. I advise him not to make the same mistakes as I did....

This would be the part where he takes charge....

OOP, TRO = Order of protection, TRO= Temporary Restraining Order, where you're forbidden to have any contact at all. If you call or show up at your home you will be arrested, without question....In my case they took all of my hunting guns (DURING HUNTING SEASON!!), ordered me to gather personal effect, clothes, etc and get out. I had a hearing 5 days later (very quick in NY usually 21 days)...I was made out to be criminal...until the hearing where judge went ballistic on her and her attorney...especially when all I wanted to do was see my boys....

Sendme, whey did the judge loose it on you W attorney? Was it the fact that the she really had no grounds for this suit.

I will be talking to my lawyer today and sek his advice on how to proceed. He did state before that it really doesn't matter who files firts and that it may have been that way before but not any longer.

On what ground can she get a TRO or OOP, I am not a threat and have NO history of violence or even any violations. She can lie or course.

Hasn't she already been doing that?

No grounds for accusations of violnce or abuse that was vaguely referenced in filing and teh fact that he had to order them to allow me to see boys that night because they were concerned over "scheduling"...his orders were that is "he has not seen his children in a week? No, you honor, If he is not allowed 120 minutes of unsupervised visitation starting at 6:00 PM tonight then both of you ladies can spend the weekend in jail for contempt of court thinking about your behavior, You two (her and I) can not let your children become involved in your emotional nightmares any longer , and I am specifically speaking to you Mrs. XXX"...

She can lie, of course...

After she signed papers and waited for me to be served she basically got drunk and woke me up in my chair to start a brawl....I laughed at her and went to bed, commenting on what a booze hag she had become....be careful....be wary....especially when she starts turning up the heat..

I think the path to winning this whole thing is to move forward with a LS, giving Hope a clear-cut advantage, because I think that will be the wake up call she needs. She is clearly in a fantasy land where she believes that she can compel Hope to move out and leave her with half the assets and primary custody. Then all she has to do is replace him with OM, with very little sacrifice of assets or children. She is offering him some things she doesn't want to entice him to go. ["see how generous I am being, I might not be tomorrow!!" As if it were HERS to give!]

On the other hand, if she were not allowed to stay in the house, take "half the assets" and take the children, but had to leave with basically nothing and get her own dismal apartment, it would be a HUGE wake up call that may save this marriage. She would have to face the discomfort of not having her "things", her home, and most DAMNING, having to suffer the embarrassment of not having primary custody of her children because of her adultery. That is usually a HUGE BLOW to most women. Other women look askance at women who do not get primary custody. [do guys know what a social problem this is for women?]

So envision that she moves out into her own barren apt, without the kids, and Hope helps her move and is nice and supportive through all this. He then sends the Plan B letter.

Now, she is cut off from her home and from Hope and only has the OM to meet her needs. As always is the case, he fails miserably. What WW didn't know is that OM meets 1-2 needs and Hope meets 3-4. Which is why most affairs fail and which is why Plan B is so effective. As a result, she is miserable with the OM because he doesn't know how to meet the needs that Hope did.

He is only along for a free piece of you-know-what and is certainly not invested in her as a person. REmember, we are dealing with a person of LOW character here and that will come out when the lust quickly wears off. However, when she left Hope, her expectations of him went up DRAMATICALLY. But, he doesn't care about her feelings, doesn't care about changing her oil, or about taking out her trash or her personal protection. HE wouldn't get up in the middle of the night, like Hope did, to investigate strange noises.

As usually happens, the affair crumbles, and as it crumbles, she begins to see what she has sacrificed for this shallow, weak, thoughtless man. Hope doesn't look so bad anymore. She misses her family, she misses her H, she misses having a H who really cared about her oil and really cared about protecting her from nightly burglars. So, she gets out that silly letter that Hope gave her and reads it carefully this time to see if there is a way out here.......

See where I am going here? This is how I envision a Plan B will play out, Hope. While there are no guarantees, I believe that separation and Plan B are the ANSWER to your marital problems, not a nail in the coffin.

I think what is going on now is destroying your marriage. It is eroding every last shred of love you have for her and her respect for you diminishes every day that you take this abuse without response. Women do not love men they can't respect, Hope. They do not respect men they can run over. Keep that in mind. But just know what you are doing now - nothing - is causing MORE HARM to your marriage than separation, IMO.

Hope, and what is the status of the PI? Is he still tailing your W? What about exposing to the OM's family and his wife? What is his REAL marital status? Did you investigate that?

Excellent post ML

I was thinking that too...part of me thinks Hope knows all that....nice job Mel....

Hope, I'll add in something else. You said earlier what would your kids think. Kids are resilient. They come back quicker than most adults give them credit for as long as there is a loving an nurturing adult around them. Hope, you are that person. But like last night, your wife was not that person when she made the comment she did and let you do the reading.

My point is, your kids will endure, but if this situation is not corrected your kids will grow up in a home with someone else. Or statistically, your wife will marry and divorce, marry and divorce and remain single. What kind of home is that for your kids and then what will your kids think of you? Believe me one day they will wonder why their dad didn't fight for them.

Agree, Askme. He should be concerned about what the kids will think, which is why I think he should move forward on this for their sake. They need to know they have a courageous dad who will stand up for his family and do the right thing when it is warranted.

Hope,

What you want to do, versus what you NEED to do are two different things when one gets to this point. Speak with your lawyer, and protect yourself and your children. Basically, you are defenseless against bogus charges and you will be out until you spend a lot of money and time proving the charges are bogus.

It is amazing what can happen especially since you are the male. The system is very biased against males and ANY acqusations of violence or threatened violence is immediately accepted.

Mel is on the right track in my mind. She wants a crisis and she will have a crisis, the only issue is will it be one of her making or yours.

Be proactive.

God Bless,

JL

Hope, there's an axiom that says doing something now in a crisis is infinitely better than finding the perfect response too far down the line to be effective. Pardner, please protect your children and yourself by doing something immediately. Don't wait until all your i's are dotted and all your t's crossed. The perfect solution and the perfect time will never come. Please, Hope do what you know you have to get done!

Thanks JL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope, Ark posted this outstanding sermon on another thread that I wish you would read: Do you really want to be well?

"It is amazing what can happen especially since you are the male. The system is very biased against males and ANY acqusations of violence or threatened violence is immediately accepted."

Well I'm glad someone said it.


Hope has very little chance in ejecting his WS from the marital home. Most judges will not agree to forcing the kids mother from the home without some very real threat of serious harm being visited on the childern if the mother stays put. (Like the mother beating the kids like a drum, or perhaps if she likes to play with guns while stoned). In fact, if I was a betting man, I would wager that if someone is to be put out of the house it will be Hope . . . simply because of his gender.

It isn't fair, it isn't right, but sadly, more often than not, it is this way.

If I follow you right, the state where you live says that if you still live together as man and wife for three months after the adultry you can't even use it as a reson to dissolve the marriage. CHECK WITH A LAWYER.

In my state you cannot force a spouse to leave their own house unless there is abuse or the threat of abuse. You cannot call the police and say that my "wife is a slut and I want you to make her leave." It just doesn't work that way.

From all I have seen on this thread, Hope's wife has been the primary care giver for most of his kid's lives. Hope was a somewhat absent father until recently (8 months or so). Does anyone here really belive that a judge is going to throw this woman out of her home, with no assets, and without the kids? Really?

Hope I'm glad you are seeing an attorney today. I hope he/she is the best in town. You are going to need the best if you want primary care. Men seldom get it. It can happen, but it certainly doesn't happen often. I would search the net for some advice from father advocacy groups. You are going to need all the help you can get.

I just don't see how he can make her leave if she doesn't want to. Mel seems to think he can force her to leave . . . maybe that works in Texas . . . but not here if the frosty Midwest. He can ask her to leave. He can make her life pretty uncomfortable at home. He can try to talk her into leaving, but he cannot physically remove her against her will.

Hope, Looking like an [censored] is the least of your worries right now. Someone is going to be forced out. Do you want it to be you? If not, run, don't walk, to your attorney and start the legal process. If you think
she's mean to you now, you haven't seen anything yet.

Leave the forcing out up to the courts but this stuff needs to get documented legally. Hope, technically you are still married. Do you know you can be responsible for 50% of her debt? Are you aware that if she has cleaned out your assets or taken loans against them that there is not much you can do as you two are still "married"?

Hope, you have to file and you need to do so NOW. We'll be here to support you through this.

Here is a link to a website:
http://www.dadsamerica.org/da.html
"Empowering fathers to take charge of their families through father custody options"

Hope,

What state do you live in?

EXACTLY!!! That was why my XW put in her papers that I was a former member of the armed forces who was trained to kill. That I had also at one point when told how she "could easily have me removed from my house unless I cooperate" said that they would get me out over my dead body, and I would not be alone. That was a threat. I had also told her I "just wanted to run away"- in papers- "I intended to kidnap children"- although the day before I had taken son to hunting camp! Listen...lawyers are [censored] and her lawyer was known over the county to play the "husband will hurt wife for serving her divorce papers" card. In fact her attorney "shopped judges"...first judge said serve him , no order of protection , no custody...she wants divorce....we'll have divorce hearing in 30 days. They submitted to SECOND judge who had done same as earlier judge 9 years prior only to have husband kill wife...so he gave them what they wanted (put yourself in his shoes, err in name of safety, lets not kid ourselves domestic violence is everywhere). I was out.

Understand I told my attorneys to strike from my response the facts that:
1. She was violent and drinking too much
2. She was accused of having A's at workplace
3. Her own parents witnessed her violence

Why did I do this? Cause...enough crap was out there and I was tired....

He is not in a state..."nuff said"