If you can have the adultery as grounds for divorce, I would save it for a counter. I think the shock effect will be a lot greater. I don't think she believes you would counter her with a threat of adultery. So I would keep that to myself and when the time comes it will make a great negotiating tool.

Exactly WHAT HAPPENED TO ME....I decided not to agree to anything....I was sued for divorce and kicked out of my house until there was a hearing. She filed papers telling judge she was afraid of me and my reaction....see....there's that anger issue with being a door mat and not having someone want to work on theor marriage....

Well Hope, there is your reason for enacting PLAN B. You want to be the one to start the process and name her for adultery.

Mel, I just read the following that applies to me...

"Adultery occurs when either the husband or the wife has sexual intercourse with another person while still legally married to his or her spouse. The adultery need not take place when the spouses are still living together to qualify as "adultery". Even after the spouses have separated, if one party has sexual intercourse with someone else, it is still adultery."

and...

"However, if the adultery had taken place during the time the spouses were living together, and the other spouse, even though he or she knew that the adultery had occurred, continued to live as husband and wife with the (adulterous) spouse for a period of three months or more, then that act of adultery can not be used as a ground for divorce, because under the present law, the injured party is said to have "condoned" the adultery by continuing to live in a husband and wife relationship with the adulterer. In order for the adultery to be used as a ground for divorce, the injured party must separate from the adulterer within three months of having learned of the adultery."

So my time is up it seems since I found out on Oct 7. I will talk to my lawyer about this for clarification.

My WW was thouroughly pissed at me last night and this morning since she put soo much effort into her hand written seperation agreement and asset list. The never I had not to want to read it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

HTW:

I hope this year of 2006 brings you happines, joy and success....in whatever it is that you have to do.

Lem

HTW-

Next time she brings up how "hurt" she was by the exposure, and how you "took away her dignity"...I honestly suggest that you finally vent exactly how you feel on that subject.

What have you got to lose at this point with it???

Tell her very clearly and point blank...perhaps even with a bit of heat and sarcasm of your own...that YOU did not one single thing wrong. She lost her dignity by having sex with another man...PERIOD. She hurt HERSELF by her actions...not you. It was HER CHOICE to do what she did that brought on her pain and suffering...NOT your choice to ask for help in convincing her to stop acting like a tramp and start acting like a respectable wife and mother.

Pain and suffering caused by exposure was a direct result of HER actions...and nothing else.

'Course, I'm in a vindictive mood at times. But sometimes you just have to clear the air once in a while. It's time she quit blaming you for something that ISN'T your fault...it's hers.

Brits Brat, I will check with my lawyer on that especially since my WW is now suggesting she shoud stay in our home. She is changing her tune.

Lem, thanks and I hope things are better too. YOu will be sad to hear that Plan B does not appear in my near future unless WW leaves the home. Things will get much worse before they start to get better for me.

Well tonight I came home at 7:00 for the first time in a very, very long time and arrived about 10 minutes after my WW. Didn't she give me sh1t for not calling her and telling her I would be late saying that when she is late she calls me. Yes, I probably should have called her but she comes home almost every night between 6:30 and 7:00 (later even) and has the nerve to say that.

Then the fun stuff begins...she asks me if I want to see her LS agreement again and I tell her I will look at it. Then she starts describing what she wants and says "we will share custody, but I will have primary custody".

I said "stop right there...no need to go any further since I will not agree to that. You have decided to leave this family so I will assume primary custody of the kids. Everything else is negotiable except the kids".

The she asks me if I think if I'm a better parent and why I want to be primary. I told her that I am protecting my family and the kids will not be leaving their home.

So then she start saying "what if I want to stay here and you leave". Looks like she may be changing her tune now. I basically said "No!".

Then she starts with the threats and says if you read my list you would see that I was being generours but now you force me to take you to court and if I will no longer be generous. She starts saying that she will make me wish I never forced the issue and she will seek everything.

She said "you said the door is open, but when you are mean like this I will never come back". She then said to get a lawyer.

She said that just because you've been a good father for the last 8 months and now you want custody?

Really these types of discussions aren't good for anyone and the next time she brings it up I will just tell her to talk to my lawyer instead.

I didn't threaten or LB, I just said I will never accept her as the primary custodian. After she saw that I would not back down and cave in to her threats she retreated to her couch and covered herself with a blanket. I didn't even bring up her A which I could have. I can't believe the crap she is putting me through and I still have to try not to LB.

I must say that I feel a little scared that I may loose more than if I just agreed with her but I feel good for standing up for myself and my family. She won't be able to manipulate me on this one.

So I played with my kids and as I was bringing them to bed to read them some stories my DD asked my WW if she would be reading her a story to which my WW replied, "no, tonight SUPERDAD will be reading you a story!".

WOOHOO, I'm part of the Superdad club now!

HTW...
Ya know I wish I could come over and just smack her upside the head for you. This WS stuff is just crazy...there is such a warped sense of entitlement.

Seems like we are stuck in the same place. I'm going to call SH soon, before I call my lawyer (SH is cheaper)...I'm thinking I may need to file and just move on with things. I may start D talk you know the nity grity, who gets to spend birthdays with who, splitting baby pictures and wedding pictures etc. I dunno....WH refuses to leave...I figure I've gotta drive him nuts!

Well, HTW I am saddened to hear that Plan B will not be in your near future, as I think you are a man in desperate need for some space from this destruction. In the end though it is YOU who has to live with this, NOT me, so it is pretty easy for me to be "sad" without feeling the true devestation you will continue to suffer daily with this.

I think you are as ripe as they come for an affair yourself, and Plan B won't be necessary anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Your life man....remember 100% responsibility !

Your friend,

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Honestly Lem, I would love to be in Plan B right now just to escape the daily emotional torture that I'm in. Now I don't want everyone to think that my WW is constantly yelling or calling me names, instead it is the sarcastic remarks, the coldness, the distance, her ability to point out EVERYTHING that I do wrong (in her eyes), her turning my positive efforts into negative responses. That is why I call it an emotional torture, because she slowly is killing me emotionally.

Let me ask you a question, how would you Plan B given the following:

- WW will not leave without primary custody and splitting assets
- I will NOT do Plan B with WW at home
- if I leave I hurt my custody case

If I did not have kids to protect, I would be in Plan B already. So if someone has advice on how I can Plan B in my situation I welcome their opinion.


I agree 100% with you, I just don't know how I will get there.

I won't argue with you that I am ripe for an affair and Sendme already has given me the 2x4 regarding my coworker friend. I will guard myself against that.

Hope...this stand off is where the real ugliness will begin. My XW did the same exact thing as yours. Just constant pressure for ME to leave. That's right, she had the PA I never knew about. Decided that she did not love me and wanted divorce, I simply refused. We made a half-assed attempt to work on M. She then went back to S agreement. I would agree to none of it (demands pretty much match your w's, including just "how generous" she is being!!)...When the stand off went on for a year...I came home to police tossing me and embarrassing me with an OOP....for her, her family (who watched my boys) AND my children! Beware..Beware...Beware...I tell you all of this because like a hideous movie this is all unfolding....

Remember...take charge, make a plan....your complacent behavior can cost you an incredible toll.....

Sendme, I remember a post you made on my thread a long time ago (probably your first post) where you stated "I read your thread and thought this guy is me". Isn't if funny how things continue to unfold as they did in your situation?

Yes I am worried my WW will try to pull what your WX did and I will talk to my lawyer about this. BTW what is an OOP?

So do you think I sould agree with my WW demands and let her have primary custody? I'm so confused with this right now since I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to be manipulated anymore by her. I know she won't harm my kids but I worry about OM in their lives.

BritsBrat told you exactly how to do it:


Why aren't you doing this?


Further, I would let her know that you plan on citing adultery as grounds for divorce. Just because you don't have physical evidence of intercourse in the last 3 months doesn't mean it hasn't happened. They have been on contact, the affair has continued and that is all you need to know. If folks had to have physical proof, ala tape recording, to use adultery as grounds, then NO ONE would ever have such grounds. I am amazed that you would undermine your own case by searching for legalistic obstacles.

Hope, contact your attorney today and see about getting her out of the house.

Hope, why in the world would even consider giving her primary custody? Why would you consider making it easy for her to destroy your family? Is the goal here to appease a tyrant or is to protect your family from her harm? Becasue when you say things like this I am led to believe your goal is the former.

You haven't even received papers yet and you are already surrendering. Are you French? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mel, I don't want to get to the same point as Sendme went through. I don't want to be forced out of my home and really I don't want to force my WW out or our home. Sure I would like her to leave without the kids if only she would agree to that, but forcing her out leagally would make me look like an @ss.

How do I explain that to my kids eventually, that daddy had to call the police to have mommy leave.

Hope, she is going to force you out if you don't act first, I guarantee it.

Second, if you act first, the she is on the defense to agree to your terms, but if she acts first the you are on the defense to react to her terms and are put in the position like sendme.

Next, you leave the house with the kids, take them to someplace safe, and have the police remove her. It's that simple. It does not have to be done in front of their eyes.

Your lawyer can give you options.

So it would be better if the police came and removed YOU frm the home??? I don't understand, Hope. Didn't you say above that you needed to go into Plan B? How do you envision doing this unless you get a LS and have her removed? Who cares what you will "look like?" Isn't the goal here to try and save your marriage and protect your kids?

Isn't saving your marriage the best thing for your kids?

If Plan B is your best hope of saving your marriage, how do you intend on doing this?

Hope, did you not read Send's post of how the police came and forcibly removed him from his home?

I envision if she acts first then it's on her terms. She will have the house, she will be able to let the OM into the house with the kids, she will have custody of the kids.

Hope, she won't care if the police takes you away. She won't care if the kids she you handcuffed. She won't care if you are humiliated. Why, because she has the OM.

You have to wake up and realize that she is out for herself and she is about to react and take everything.

And BritsBrat, an attorney agrees with AskMe: