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While Hope may not be able to legally remove his W from his home, there is nothing stopping his attorney from making her an offer to follow through on her stated desire to leave.
And if she didn't accept the offer, perhaps evidence of her adultery and her fitness as a mother could be discussed in open court? Perhaps the OM could be named in the action and brought in to testify [is that you screwing Hope's wife on that tape, bubba?] There are many different ways to skin a cat, people.
Hope just needs to explore all options with his attorney and stop with this endless handwringing that is getting him nowhere except closer to a nervous breakdown. Action is warranted, especially when it comes to custody of his children. She may have been the primary babysitter all these years, but her fitness is very questionable NOW.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Send,
Yep, that is pretty much what happens a lot.
Hubby gets forced out of the home because wife files a TRO because she is afraid that H will hurt her.
Most judges will grant it because if they don't and the wife does get hurt it will be on the evening news. If the judge was elected, his career is probably over. Contrary to popular belief, most judges aren't stupid people.
This whole thing makes me sick.
What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. ~ John Ruskin
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"Hope just needs to explore all options with his attorney and stop with this endless handwringing that is getting him nowhere except closer to a nervous breakdown. Action is warranted, especially when it comes to custody of his children. She may have been the primary babysitter all these years, but her fitness is very questionable NOW"
I'm with you sister.
What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. ~ John Ruskin
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Then she starts with the threats and says if you read my list you would see that I was being generours but now you force me to take you to court and if I will no longer be generous. She starts saying that she will make me wish I never forced the issue and she will seek everything. Hope you need to read what you wrote this morning. Considering what you wrote, the threat she is making, you need to be at your lawyers office. I know it sounds like we are putting pressure on you and you are probably unsure of what you should do. But when you have this many people who care saying it's time to act for your sake and the sake of your kids you have to STOP and THINK. READ THE STATEMENTS ABOVE. GO to your lawyer and file legal separation. It's not a divorce, it's separation.
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Mel, your post really made me think especially the part about mothers who do not have primary custody. I think you are bang on here and it applies with my WW. I read your post several times and will re-read again.
A day or two ago you suggested that I do nothing but wait for my WW to file and now you are saying to proceed with LS. What has changed your mind?
The PI is working today and Friday and after that we will determine if we want to continue with investigation. OM lives alone and is seperated (not sure if divorced). I remember hearing in one of the phone conversations that his W left him and not sure why.
I live in Ontario, Canada and my lawyer specifically said there is no advantage to who files first. He said there used to be years ago but not anymore. I will check again and see if she or I have power to have the other leave.
CN, I will agree that I was defenitely not in the "superdad" category prior to the affair but I wasn't an absentee father by any means. Sure I could have done more but I never neglected my kids. My WW refers to things like me not giving them a bath or not spending more time with them. Remember that my WW has been on maternaty leave for 2 of the past 4 years so she was with the kids more often because of this.
Her reasoning for being the primary custodian is that she is the "mother". And you know what, that may be all she needs to say unfortunately as you have suggested. But the fact that she leaves for work before me almost every day and I arrive home from work before her (1 hour before) everyday means nothing to her.
When the kids are sick I seem to be more concerned than her and will take a day off work to be with them or take them to the doctor even prior to d-day. I can't remember the last time she took the kids out to play or go for a bike ride. I do this all the time. So I resnet when she claims that I was not a good father. Like I said I could have been better, but I was not a bad father and now she says I'm the best father she knows.
It really used to bother me when she would come home late from work and as a CA I would get frustrated with the kids or do something passive aggressive like not cleaning up after dinner or having dinner without her. It really bothered me and still does that she spends soo much time at her work and seems to make it a priority over he family. I don't do that and didn't do that even prior to d-day. I not longer take the passive aggressive approach either.
For me I look at work as a means to support my family and not make it a leisure event like my WW seems to do.
If I get a call that my kids are sick or in trouble I leave my work for them with no hesitaion. My WW will not or can't do that on most occasions.
I have stopped counting the number of times my WW has gone to sleep on the couch after dinner while the kids and I do something without her or how many times has she considered quality time with the kids as her excersiing on the treadmill while they are in the same room.
So you see, she is a good mother but she could be even better, the same way I have become a better father after all of this.
I'm waiting to hear back from my lawyer for his advice.
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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Folks...I am at a loss for term "filing a separation"...there is no such distiction in NY. You can enter into a "separation agreement" which is a contract that looks EXACTLY like an "opting out agreement" in a Divorce jusgement!
That being said THEY CAN NOT AGREE! The only way to "force her" out is to sue her for divorce and seeking everything she wants BEFORE SHE DOES!!!
If I had it to do over I would have AGREED to separation on better terms...because plan D is ugly...look we all agree they need to separate and no one is going anywhere. If he is not willing to sue his wife for divorce (or if available separation), then they need to come to terms and he leaves....staying there is bad...ugly bad...for him and his children...
Last edited by Send me on my way; 01/11/06 02:25 PM.
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Hope,
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say impune your parenting skills; I just remember you saying that your wife was there more than you for a while.
I don't know a thing about family court in Canada. I hope that they are more father friendly than here in the states.
I guess I was just responding to all the "make her leave" posts. It is pretty hard to make someone leave there house, here in the States, if they don't want to go. I guess that was my point.
I think you are doing the best you can. I know that I would have broken a long time ago.
I hope your lawyer has something of value to offer.
I hope your wife wakes up before this goes any further.
What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. ~ John Ruskin
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Hope, all you know about the OM's marital status is what he told your W, right? Well, he is a liar. Where is his W? If he is only seperated, he is STILL MARRIED, which means there may be numerous opportunities here. The reason I think you need to move forward on this are the reasons I gave in my post. Your marriage is deteriorating living like this. Your feelings are eroding and so are hers. I also think that her moving out would be the most restorative thing for your marriage as I stated above. For that reason, I would encourage your atty to make an offer to move this along. But before you do that, I would see what the PI turns up and get ahold of the OM"s wife and perhaps his parents. So you see, she is a good mother but she could be even better, the same way I have become a better father after all of this. I would beg to differ, Hope. Anyone can take care of children, but there is much more to being a mother than that. A fit mother does not screw men from work and threaten to destroy the children's secure family so she can leave and carry on an affair. There is nothing fit about tearing innocent children from their home and their father so can carry on her affair. That is not a "fit" mother, Hope.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hope buddy, I just want you to know I'm writing because I'm concerned for you and you seem to be a nice guy. I just hate to see nice guys get the abuse. Me on the other hand, I deserved it at times, you don't.
Make sure your lawyer understands her threat from last night and that your want to act to keep her threat from taking place. Whatever you can do to defend yourself do it.
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Hope,
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say impune your parenting skills; I just remember you saying that your wife was there more than you for a while. No apology requried CN, she was there more than me for a while and I have accepted that and changed myself for the better since then as many of us BS do. The same way I realize how I wasn't meeting her most improtant EN's prior to d-day. I really didn't know about EN's back then and have learned and changed so much since. I don't know a thing about family court in Canada. I hope that they are more father friendly than here in the states. I think family courts up here are also biased towards the mothers unfortunately. I guess I was just responding to all the "make her leave" posts. It is pretty hard to make someone leave there house, here in the States, if they don't want to go. I guess that was my point. I have a problem with this also and don't think it is as easy as some suggest. I will have to check with my lawyer of course. I think you are doing the best you can. I know that I would have broken a long time ago. Thanks, I feel broken on some days and would like to see the all end soon so I can go into Plan B for some rest. I hope your lawyer has something of value to offer. Last we spoke he suggested that I wait for her to make the first move, f I can stand it in the meantime. I hope your wife wakes up before this goes any further. She shows no signs of waking up and I have no hope for her in the near future. She needs to be on her own, just like me.
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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I would beg to differ, Hope. Anyone can take care of children, but there is much more to being a mother than that. A fit mother does not screw men from work and threaten to destroy the children's secure family so she can leave and carry on an affair. There is nothing fit about tearing innocent children from their home and their father so can carry on her affair. That is not a "fit" mother, Hope. Mel, as I understand it, the courts don't give a flying fidoo about A up hear as they relate to custody battles and an unfit mother (sad to say) Askme, I appreciate what you are saying and why you are saying it.
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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Hope I found this information on the www.gov.on.ca website. They have some good information there about divorce, separation, and legal issues. Many decisions about the children and about support may have to be made quickly. If you cannot agree on what to right away, you can go to court to ask for an interim (or temporary) order. This order can cover things like custody of, and access to, the children, who can stay in the family home, and how much support should be paid. The interim (or temporary) order will stay in effect until the court has time to hear your case in full. The court will then make a final decision. If you are married, you can ask the court for the right to live in your home and to make your spouse leave. You have equal right to stay in your home even if the home is in your spouse’s name. Before a judge will order your spouse/partner out of the home, the judge will consider if there was violence in the relationship, if there is another suitable place for you to live, in the children’s best interests to stay in their home, andfinancial position.
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What is the difference between separation and divorce?
A separation occurs when one or both spouses decide to live apart with the intention of not living together again. Once you are separated, you may need to deal with your spouse in relation to issues concerning any children you have, such as custody and child support, and you may also need to work out issues dealing with spousal support and property. You can resolve these issues in different ways:
You can negotiate a separation agreement. A separation agreement is a legal document signed by both spouses which details the arrangements you have agreed on. In some jurisdictions, independent legal advice is required to make the document legally binding.
You can make an application to the court to set up custody, support and property arrangements under the laws in the province or territory.
You can come to an informal agreement with your spouse. However, if one party decides not to honour the agreement, you will have no legal protection. To legally end your marriage, you need a divorce, which is an order signed by a judge under the federal law called the Divorce Act.
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[
Mel, as I understand it, the courts don't give a flying fidoo about A up hear as they relate to custody battles and an unfit mother (sad to say) But maybe your W does? Your attorney will know if there are opportunities to squeeze her using this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Now this part BUGS ME about their law........
Does it matter whose fault it is that the marriage is over?
The reasons your marriage is over have nothing to do with your financial obligations to each other after a divorce. The divorce law says clearly that the court will not consider the behaviour or misconduct of either spouse in deciding on support payments. Fault is not taken into account.
How are decisions made about custody of the children?
Often, deciding who should have responsibility for children after a marriage is over is not easy. Sometimes both parents want custody of the children. If you can't decide who will take care of the children, the divorce law sets out some basic principles that a judge must use when making decisions about children.
The best interests of the children come first.
Children should have as much contact as possible with both parents so long as this is in the children's best interests.
The past behaviour of a parent cannot be taken into consideration by the court unless that behaviour reflects on the person's ability to act as a parent.
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Ask..I understand the differences too well...the thing is some folks (including hope himself) are speaking about "filing for separation", in NY we call that filing for a divorce.
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You can make an application to the court to set up custody, support and property arrangements under the laws in the province or territory. This is the option that either my WW or I will have to take if we can't agree and is what I expect to happen.
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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If you cannot agree on what to right away, you can go to court to ask for an interim (or temporary) order. This order can cover things like custody of, and access to, the children, who can stay in the family home, and how much support should be paid.The interim (or temporary) order will stay in effect until the court has time to hear your case in full. My question is for this temporary order, how is that decided? Is it who gets there first or who sounds the best, or how do they decide? That would be my question to the lawyer.
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I will be going to see my lawyer on Monday to discuss the recent developments to my situation and ask him some more questions.
Besides some of the questions we have already identified are there any other things I should seek his councel on?
I want to ask my WW if she has or has plans to file for the temporary order. Does anyone think that is a bad idea?
Thanks
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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I would not tip my hand to what my plan is until I begin to implement. Short way of saying this: Don't give her any ideas...I keep thinking there's a lot of wind but no storm just yet...meaning...she's just yapping right now....
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