Tell her one of the first things are going to do when she leaves is find a girlfriend for some kinky SF. I know I am gonna get hit for this but the WS needs to know there is a price they must pay and that is they may lose their BS forever.

TooSoon

Tell her your going to move your 20 year old voluptuous college student female "friend" into your house as a roommate.

<evil laughter> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Plank.

OK I need some imput here please.

First, just an observation. Last night my WW comes home and within a few minutes asks if I am mad at her. I have been slowly withdrawing from her in preperation for my Plan B and have not been trying to talk to her or do some things I normally do. When I ask her why she thinks that she replies with "because you are usually much nicer to me". So that tells me that my Plan A has been pretty good even though she hasn't really come around. At least she noticed a little.

Ok, I just received an email from my WW regarding the seperation agreement and she has agrred to joint legal and physical custody but she still wants to be the primary parent. This doesn't seem possible to me and I will consult with my lawyer.

Here is part of her email she sent...what do you all think of it?


If my feelings change when we’re apart (with the agreement in place) will you be opened to reconciliation or would it be too late.

I left the comment that you made about “woman” or “man” friend, I have no problem with that (although let me say, don’t ever deny that you throw it my face every chance you get), in fact if it makes you feel better, let’s make it more extreme, our children should have no contact with any “woman” or “man” unless they become your significant other, respecting the 1 year thing you want or more.


So a few things to comment on here...

1) Why is she asking the reconciliation question? Why does she even care? How do I reply to her here?

2) In the seperation agreement I put in a clause that the kids are not to have contact with OM (or OW in my case) for one year. It seems she thinks I am "holding her A" over her head with that clause and she has upped the anti. I'm ok with what she has suggested.

But I would really like some help on how to answer the possiblity of future reconciliation question.

answer: "it would depend on my feelings at the time. I cannot guarantee anything."

She is trying to get you to provide a guarantee so she can have her cake and eat it too. Don't give her that guarantee, Hope.

Mel, I was hoping you would reply to my post.

Doesn't the Plan B letter typically say "if you have a change of heart down the road I (BS) would be open to discussing it with you"? Isn't that really saying the door is open for you.

To be honest, I'm kind of pissed off that she would write that in her email to me. She knows what I want and she has made it very clear she doesn't want what I want. So why put that crap in there.

I feel strongly about that because I'm finally getting to a point where I can see myself without her and then she talks about possible future reconciliation. What about the freaking "Rebuilding...When Your Relationship Ends" nonsense book that she is reading now. It doesn't talk about reconciliation in there...just freedom and the single life.

Mel, I think you are bang on with this one...as usual. Thanks!

The Plan B letter NEVER guarantees anything, only offers the possibility of a discussion under certain conditions. The line I gave you above dovetails perfectly with Plan B. There are no guarantees....EVER.

Thanks Mel, I will reply to her email letting her know there are no guarantees and it will depend on my feelings at the time.

Mel, she has also asked me for suggestions on where to live but I don'k know how to respond. She has indicated she plans on moving in with her parents for a short while and then probably will buy a condo in the area. I don't want to help her, but I don't want to be a jerk about it either. What do you think?

Just wanted to point out another observation that I made and that my nephew & MIL made about my WW. I have noticed an imperceptible change in my WW, even my nephew and MIL have noticed it. I can't put my finger on it but her anger has softened ever so slightly and she is not as blatant or in your face as she was a few months ago. She has "calmed" down a little as my MIL put it and she even came to church with me last week for the first time since the summer. She refused to come to church even up to a month ago.

She is listening to my Michael Buble CD now. He sings slow songs and love songs. Normally she would be listening to more hip-hop or faster dance music.

She is still moving forward with the seperation and plans to move out so I don't place too much on these changes, just that I and others have noticed them.

No guarantee that when one choses an affair one can waltz back into the marriage at a later date ... nope --- nuhuh

not Mel / but play Mel on TV ----

"Live wherever you like."

Pep, I see what you and Melody are saying. The thing that confuses me is that a few weeks ago I told my WW that "the door is always open". She basically had a fit and angrily said "she will NEVER come back". If you recall my wife email from 2 weeks ago, she said something like "before I thought some time apart would do us good, but now we have hurt each other too much". I'm paraphrasing, but the point I'm trying to make is that before she was saying things like "NEVER" and "TOO much hurt to fix" and today she says "IF my feelings change" and "will YOu be OPEN to reconciliation".

Hence, Plan B. To protect the love you have have left for your WW before it is too late!
It's time, Hope, long overdue.
She needs to feel the full consequence of her horible choices before there is nothing left to salvage. And, IMHO, so do you.
Plan B carries no guarentees, but it's probably your last option at this point.
I wish you all blessings,
Jerry

I don't find it confusing at all. This is TYPICAL behavior from a WS. Flipping and flopping is classic behavior. This is why its important to never take them seriously. Their moods change from minute to minute because they are very confused.

Thread Jack:
Mel, I'm so sorry about your losing your dad. We spoke last May when I lost my mother. I know the pain you are feeling, and you have my deepest sympathy.
All blessings,
Jerry

End thread jack:

Thanks Shinethrough. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope... you just gotta stay strong. There are no guarantees, but, when it's all over, either way... you can walk a bit taller, knowing you tried your hardest to take the correct path to saving your marriage.

Not everything goes hunky dory, and your ww is discovering this, so she is angry, and posturing.

-hang in there

Hope:

I had my wife read some MB stuff after DD , but at the same time I thought we were working on Recovery, I caught her shopping for apartments behind my back. Later she stated she thought she might only sign a six month lease since she read in MB that the affairs usually burn out in that time period.

My response to her was, "Do you really believe I am going to wait for you to get done with your boytoy, I then take you back?!" I told her if she is gonna sign the lease to go ahead and sign a year's lease.

These WS's have a warped sense of ...Who knows what!

TooSoon

Mel,

I too am sorry for your loss

Hope....You KNOW more of my story than most here...

Your W is saying NOTHING I have not heard before..not a word, including the "being a friend fantasy"...

First of all I would like to express my deepest sympathy to you Mel for the loss of your father. He defenitely did an outstanding job raising you.

Jerry, I'm very close to Plan B and I expect to be there within a few weeks. My WW brought home some boxes tonight to start packing her stuff. I really believe Plan A has made going into Plan B much easier, which is EXACTLY what Dr. Harley states.

RookKev, I've read some of your story over on the Recovery board and am glad to hear you and your FWW are doing well. I especially remember you making the point that your FWW passed you on the stairs, looking at you and saying she loves you more than words. That must have felt wonderful hearing that from her. This 2 years after she returned home. That is a wonderful story. I hope I get there one day, but realize it might never happen. I'm already walking taller and feel good about how I have handled myself. As I transition from Plan A to Plan B, I have no regrets and feel good about my future no matter how it will turn out. If my WW doens't recommit to our M she will loose a good man. I hope she one days see my actions as that of true love and committment to my M and family.

TooSoon, I wish I could get inside the head of a WS to see what they are thinking sometimes. I must say the FWW's who post here do give us BS's excellent insight into what they were thinking and I'm very appreciative for their honesty. Up until now I have let my WW know that she will be welcome back with open arms at any time, but that is going to change when I reply to her email tomorrow. Mel is right, who knows how I will feel in the future.

Sendme, as always I truly appreciate your feedback and help in getting me through this. I will need more of your help in the days and weeks to follow. Yes my WW seems to believe we will be "friends" after we seperate so I can't wait to see her reaciton once I kindly give her my Plan B letter.

Hope, keep standing tall!!! Being, now, a month into Plan B, I can tell you, based on our similar situations, that things within you WILL BE BETTER!!! I can't guarantee that you'll feel exactly the same way, but when I don't engage with my WW for extended periods of time, things seem to "approach" normal.

As BS's, it's nice to really start rebuilding ourselves from within. So much trauma has been inflicted onto our pysche over the last few months, that the break from the source of the trauma is wonderful!!

As we look at who we are at this point, we are in a position to take the best of who we are, and make "us" better. Rebuilding our self esteem, IMO, is one of the key factors in healing. How do we do that??? By doing the things we can take pride in, with or without acknowlegement from others!!!

The other day, I was walking at my place of work, and noticed an older lady in a wheelchair, kinda stuck on a curb that had a cutout for wheelchairs, but had developed a large crack and her tire got stuck. It was 50 feet out of my way, but I went over there and gave her a little push. She was very appreciative, but as I walked away, I realized that it was "how I acted" that gave me pleasure, not her appreciation.

Moral of the short story: In Plan B.....focus on doing things that make you feel good...and when you start doing that....you'll notice that slowly....more and more things start to make you feel good...and the goal is to feel good all the time in all that you do!! Kind of a positive feedback mechanism.

Take care, as always, Hope.

HTW,

Still following you buddy. Just wanted to let you know that.

aWOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />