Last night I arrived late from work (7:30pm) due to an emergency. I called my MIL who was watching my kids to let her know that I would be late and didn't call my WW.

When I got home my WW had just arrived 5 minutes earlier and was upset with me for not calling her to let her know that I was working late. To be honest, I didn't call her because I wanted to give her a taste of how it feels to be at home waiting for you spouse and not receiving a call.

Later she is sitting on the couch drinking a class of wine and she has that glazed look in her eyes as she is staring off into la la land. Then out of nowhere she says "I think you didn't call me because you don't think I'm a good mother".

At that momement I felt like a tennis player at the net awaiting the oppenets volley and ready to smash the ball for a convincing victory....but I held back.

You see my mother is a GREAT mother. My MIL is also a GREAT mother. My WW WAS a GREAT mother a couple of years a go, but this past year it would be hard for me to rate her higher than a good mother. She is not a BAD mother, but she is certainly not a GREAT mother right now.

That is not the first time she has brought up her whole "mothering" issue with me. I sense she feels guilty and knows that she hasn't always made the kids her number 1 priorty lately. When she is with them it almost seems like she is trying too hard and coddling them. But she clearly has her mind elsewhere at times.

Knowing that she will be leaving soon, I will try to ramp up my Plan A for this last little while even though it is extremely hard to do so. Last night she was sleeping on the couch so I got her a blanket and covered her. I keep on doing those little things so she remembers them (I hope) when she leaves.

BINGO!! She knows she hasn't been a good parent but still doesn't want to own it.

Hope, What a sweet, kind man you are. I can't wait until she gets what she wants - a life without you. I think she will be shocked to find out she's not as happy as she thought she would be! Then we can all look like Dana Carvey playing "Church Lady". Hmmm..... OM isn't the party you thought he was, is he?????

Hope, that is the EXACT same thing I did with my WW, the last few days prior to her departure!! Covered her up on the couch, made her coffee in the morning, helped with kids a lot, etc. etc.

It's those last few things we do in Plan A, we all hope will stick in their minds!!

Good luck....one day at a time!

Hope,
I don't think I've ever posted to you. When I joined the board in late Oct., your thread was already pretty long and involved. But over the last few days, I've scanned most of it... and I must tell you that it breaks my heart. When I got to this part yesterday...


I cried and cried. What's my point? I have no idea. Except to say that I just don't get it. That I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. And that your children are very lucky to have you as a dad.

Bless you,
--SC

Hi SC,

I'm always happy to hear from new posters on my thread. You know alot of my thread is kind of therapudic for me since I use it to journal what has happend and other times I use it to just to seek out advice. I don't have anyone in my personal life who understands what I'm going through so I use the good people here as that outlet since THEY do understand.

I have a hard time reading some of my earlier posts as well since it brings up some of really bad memories, especally when and how I discovered my WW's PA.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me since I have learned and grown so much through all this. That sounds crazy, but as you know this stuff really can force you to make fundemental changes in your life.

Although I detest the ACTIONS of WS's, I don't detest THEM. In fact I have a great respect for FWS who come on here as yourself and confront their demons. That must be an extremely difficult thing to do.

BTW, you did the right thing telling your H <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Update,

My WW said she will be moving out by the end of the month and it's a good thing since I'm finding that my Plan A is really starting to run out of gas. She has packed up some of her stuff and will be moving it to her parent's house soon.

Her sarcastic remarks are really starting to wear thin on me and I am not taking it anymore. This morning she asked me "when was the last time you picked up a brush and scrubed the toilet?" I can't deal with these stupid comments anymore. I don't ask her when the last time she changed the oil in the cars, or fixed a broken dishwasher, or assembled the kids swingset. Marriage is not about keeping score!

Remarks like that are just dumb and I don't take that crap anymore.

Today as I was finishing my lunch I just looked up at her while she was putting the dishes in the dishwasher and felt disgusted by all she has done. Is this a normal feeling at this time.

As many of you know I will be going into Plan B shortly after she moves out. I would like to know if it makes more sense to do a Plan A while seperated or Plan B?

Also, as I have already mentioned to Sendme, the female co-worker who is very nice, is now working next to me and I find myself thinking of her alot. This week has been the first time in a long time that my WW hasn't occupied the majority of my thoughts while at work.

I want my WW to feel some of the hurt she has inflicted on me. Is this a normal feeling also?

Can I ask why you are waiting until the end of the month? I would complete the move this weekend, Hope. You have had plenty enough of this and have been more than patient.

It makes NO SENSE to continue in Plan A after she leaves. You are way beyond ripe for Plan B.

I have to echo what Melody said. Man, you've been in Plan A since last July and it hasn't done the job. It's time...past time, perhaps...for a nice, dark Plan B. Your wife needs to begin to feel the consequences for her adultery.

Let me piggyback on something else Melody mentioned. Why wait until the end of the month? Hey, help her do what she wants to do anyway. Shock milady a little and start packing things in boxes and carrying them over to her parents in your pickup. You don't have one? <sigh> Everyone can't be a Texan...yes I know. Well, rent one then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In answer to your question, no, I don't think your resentment at your wife is in any way abnormal. I do suggest you hold it in check for a little longer. With her out of the house and her attitude not scraping your nerves raw, you will begin to heal. Screaming your rage at the way she's acting will not do anything for you in the long run. Hang tough, guy.

Hope:

As you very well know my opinion I won't restate it again...however, I want to know what you are hoping to accomplish by doing a Plan A or B with your wife. Namely, you seem to "know" that Plan B is in order, but are still in Plan A.....Your starting to resent your WW, the even look of her disgusts you, your starting to think of another woman who can take her place.....these are all very dangerous things to any hope of your marriage. If you stay in Plan A untill the end of the month, you will soon have defeated the very reason you are going into PLan B....to lock up the remaining kernels of love you have for the WW.

At this rate, you are gonna hate your WW..and even if she repents and wants "back in", you may very well get to the point that you don't care and that you don't want her back. That is like another D-day, trust me. I think you are already on borrowed time when it comes to keeping the love for your cheating wife...you have been on fumes for months...any continuance of this is likely to be bad for your hopes of marital recovery.

I know you know my stance on this. The clock on Plan B has since started and the longer you wait the bigger in the "red" you get....you are the only one who can save your marriage now...waiting another 2 weeks, will do nothing but put your heart and soul more into the negative.

Just my .02. Take it or leave it.

LM

Ok point taken everyone...I have asked WW to expidite her move to this week instead of end of month. I have indicated to her that her actions are very hurtful and it would be best for her to leave sooner than later so I don't start to dislike her.

I just floated the continued Plan A to see what you thought and now I know for sure. It will be Plan B and I will go very, very dark on her. I have already briefed my MIL on Plan B and she is supportive.

BTW Longhorn, I have already helped her carry and move the larger boxes to her IL's house. All that is left to move is her clothes some smaller items and her damn treadmill.

Yes sir, I was just illustrating a suggestion that the move be expedited by a BH suddenly eager to accomodate her in what she wanted. A little bit of a 180 thing to shock her a little and get her thinking, if you know what I mean?

THEN GET R DONE!

That is it?? All right...you asked about control? She is so hellbent on leaving but is taking a month to do it??

Look a judge gave me 70 days to find a new house and pack up my stuff and get out...it only cost me $4,000 for a lawyer to fight her lawyer about this!! I found a house and closed in 43!! Why did I move so quick? Because I wanted my children back home....

She is in control by staying. The comments and her antics have worn thin. Lemonman is making some real good points. I can tell, you loath the sight of her, the sound of her voice. Not good....

I think we both know that you can have her out in a mtter of hours. If she will not cooperate call her brother, pack up her crap and move it over to Mom's. Done. [color:"red"]Be done with it [/color] .
edited to add:
Oh yeah...tack plan B letter to threadmill..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I haven't posted before either, just a thought. Sometimes the WS has to hit bottom before they see the light. The affair chemicals are powerful...dopamine. She has an obsessive-compulsive attraction going on. This will fade, it is nature. Let her hit bottom. You may or maynot want her at that point, but it is coming. You know the stats.

If you love someone set them free. She needs to see the cold world. I have another perdiction. I'd bet the OM will be a serial cheater. Just a hunch from an oldtimer.

Well my WW says she doesn't want to leave until the LSA is signed. I guess she is afraid I will try to keep the kids of something of that nature.

Anyway, she scheduled for an apraiser to come over today to value the house so I can cut her a cheque for her half. Well he didn't show up which upset me and I think I will arrange for an appraiser through my bank. Time to get this thing done and if it seems like I'm helping her leave...well I am. This needs to be finsihed soon so I can start my Plan B.

I have been slowly detaching from her and it has really helped get my emotions and feelings under control. We actually had a pretty good weekend togeter ...she even laughed at one of my jokes (really laughed) for the first time in a long time! She even asked me to do a couple of things for her like wash her car which kind of suprised me since she has stopped asking me for anything.
She is talking to me a little bit more, probably because we are getting closer to her move out day and she feels less presure. No problem for me and she must be thinking that we will be "friends" once seperated just like her enabling co-worker and her seperated husband. Not happening here!

I have been doing things like using the calculator to figure out my mortgage payments and looking at real estate newspapers in front of her. On each occasion she was curious as to what I was doing and I just said "figuring stuff out" or "just looking". These are the things she did to me for the longest time and I am giving her a taste of her own medecine.

Sendme...I'm trying to get this wrapped up and she makes me feel bad by saying comments like "don't worry I'll be gone soon and I know you can't stand me". Yes, probably manipulative behaviour on her part but it still seems to have the desired effect on me. I will GET IT DONE soon!

NJ, thanks for posting on my thread. She is getting what she wants...freedom and then she can do what she wants. If she hits bottom and wants to try to work things out I will talk about it then but only after Plan B conditions are met. I will lock up a small piece of love for her just in case.

As for OM he is a real piece of sh1t and I have absolutely no good feelings towards him. In fact I often wish him ill since he has raped me of what I once had. This is not his first workplace A and I agree with you it won't be his last. Let's see how "kind" he is once she is ALL his. Sure he's kind...he wants to get down my WW pants!

One day, one way, he will pay for all that he has done to me and my family. Payback will certainly be a ******!

Be careful about the possible R with the cute coworker...this is a very dangerous situation and you are in a very vulnerable position. Your LB is very low and you'll fall for the first person that fulfills those EN's. DON'T give her the opportunity to fulfill your EN's. It is common for the BS to get involved in an EA or PA...so common it has a name...Revenge A. Don't let yourself step over that line.

If the girl at work is single, then ask her out to dinner. Why not begin rebuilding for your future and a life with or without your WW? I would tell your MIL and let her pass it on to your WW. What good for the gander is good for the goose. (Note, this thought may not meet the MB principles, but it may meet the principles of real life feelings and emotions.)

If Hope is disposed of like an old dish rag by his WW, then maybe there is someone else who will see him as gold.

TooSoon

I second what Too Soon says!! I took an old highschool classmate out to dinner last Friday! We had such a nice time. She had been cheated on 5 yrs. ago. She invited me over to watch a movie,....and then we shared a kiss!! A nice one!! I then told her I had a wonderful evening, and proceeded to go home, sharing one more kiss!!

Hope, life has to move forward!! Yes, I still have love for my W, but I'm not waiting!!! If our doors are open at the same time....well....who knows!

It's so nice not to have that deep pain anymore!!!!
Best of luck, Hope!

TooSoon & Mywife,

Yes the girl is single and she is sweet...the only thing is I'm not emotionally ready for any R right now. Although I think about her and what it would be like to be with her, I still feel "dead" inside. My emotional wall is still up and it's difficult to let anyone it right now.

If I did let someone in, it wouldn't be fair to them becuase, I'm just not emotionally ready to handle a R in my current state. I would be going in for all the wrong reasons and it certainly wouldn't last.

Heck my WW is still living at home so I think I can wait until she leaves and I have gone through withdrawal from her. Once that happens, and I can think more objectively, I would entertain the idea of socializing with other women.

Mywife, did you find that your WW was nicer to you as her move out date approached? This is what I am finding and I guess it's due to the fact that she feels her freedom is fast approaching.

The house appraiser came by this morning so once I get his report we can proceed with the paper work and get this wrapped up and have her out.

My WW has pretty much always been "nice" when I didn't bring up R talk. As a matter of fact, since Plan B started, she sends me emails out of the blue, telling me how aweful she feels about all this and what she has done. My reply: "It just takes time...you'll get over it, I promise."

That is the only thing I've said to her except "yes, no, ok" in 3 weeks!

No threadjack, but a quick item: I found out that OM has got WW hooked on Oxycontin. This is her battle....I wish I could be there for her to help fight...but denial is only overcome from within.

Get to Plan B!!! A couple weeks of "adjustment/sadness" and then it's party time!!

Hope:

I think if you tell your single friend that you cannot start a relationship but tell her it would be so nice to just have a dinner with a friend. I bet she would clearly understand and would accept your offer. I think you owe it to yourself to help you cope, but I would be cautious that you don't confuse new feelings with rebound. It doesn't have to be physical, but just a friendly dinner with a female companion.

I think it would be healthy and listen to what mywife says about a little kiss. I bet he felt like a million bucks to be with someone who appreciates him a person. BS's are raped of every emotion inside and when the marriage cannot be saved, it is like the WS wants to put a knife into your heart as "one for the road".

Go have that dinner and enjoy the evening with your friend.

TooSoon