Hope:

When you look at what a WS is willing to give up for their fantasy lover, it is a pathetic joke.

What you are describing of your wife is a woman who is slowly being exposed to the reality of the affair and the damage that it has caused. Every little inconvience and loss of her past known normalcy, is giving her a dose of reality. When reality is added to the affair and to the lover, it forces the WS to begin to compare what they used to have with what they are now going to get. It begins to put you on a more equal playing field in this game and your package will begin to look better.

Her world is actually crumbling before her eyes and she hasn't accepted it as such, yet. Keep hanging in there and eventually, you may get the chance to get her back on your terms.

TooSoon

Yes! Like an FBI Profiler. Think of a spy. I bet the thought process is similiar to that of a WS. Take the U.S. for example. Someone working high up in the Pentagon. Someone constantly offering them large sums of money for secrets and promising them no one will know. The temptation and greed. The gradual shifting of their ideals. Eventually convincing themselves that no one will ever know. It will be their dirty little secret. The eventual betrayal of their beloved country. WS/Spy - completely different scenarios, but I bet the process is eerily similiar.

Hope I'm sorry this has you so anxious. You cannot avoid her completely and do your job. You have to face this eventually. You are in control. Visualize it in your mind and visualize how you will respond in a proper and professional manner. For all you know, she may not be interested. Anyway, just accept it for what it is and don't act on it. Visualize a really bad outcome and keep that in your mind when temptation looms.

You can do it Hope!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

If an FBI profiler was going to profile a woman WS, I would guess she would be similar to Leave It To Beaver's Mother, Mrs Cleaver and her OM lover would be less than Mr. Cleaver.

I am not sure who the ideal regular-joe man WS would be but Nicole Smith would be the OW. Dr. Harley says these normal people who become WS's usually don't pick the best caliber of people to become their lovers. They usually pick someone of a lessor caliber.

TooSoon

TooSoon, if this is happening inside her head, she really is putting on an Oscar winning preformance at hiding it. She just seems to have the whole "there is no stopping me" attitude right now and has conviced herself that this is for the best. Maybe the reality has not set in yet and maybe it never will. All I can do is a dark Plan B when she leaves and look after me and the kids.

I forget how it is to have my WW talk to me in a sypathetic or loving tone.

Anyway, I did not go to work today and it wasn't because of the female co-worker. My DS has had a fever for 5 days now and I stayed home with him and took him to see his pediatritian. Says it is a virus and today should be the last day of fever...I hope!

I plan on starting a new thread once I begin my Plan B. This one is getting quite long for people to follow.

Update...

I told my best friend and his wife about my situation a few weeks ago. We used to be very close to them until my WW started distancing herself from our old friends and family.

Well his wife called my WW today and she must told my WW that she knows becuase my WW came home today and was upset at me for telling them. I told my WW it doesn't take a rocket scientist for figure out that when one person wants to leave a generally good M for no apparent reason, the first thing people usually think of is an OP.

So it looks like this was a second hand exposure I guess. These are very good friends and I hope my friend's W tries to restablish her friendship with my WW.

My WW is always asking "what do your parents think of me" or "who else did you tell".

I bought her "takeout" dinner tonight, not that she will appreciate it. The one thing I have really noticed about Plan A is that the WS has no peripheral vision. They only see straight ahead and only what they want to see...usually excluding all the positve stuff.

Hope,

If they did not look straight ahead how in the world could they justify what they are doing? It is a survival tactic to keep themselves sane, well sane in terms of the mothership. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

Well put JL and I am seeing this alot from my WW. She is trying to justify her actions by saying things like "I'm sure your parents hate me" and "I know you can't stand me anymore". Little comments like these tell me she is trying to convince herself that she is doing the right thing.

She brought up the topic of forgiveness last night as it applies to my "spiritual journey". She asked if I was seeking forgiveness or asking for it. I told her both, but I need to forgive myself first before I can truly start to forgive others.

Then she told me she had change one of her shifts to accomodate the kids during her week. That means she will be working until 11:00 pm once every 2 weeks. So it looks like these little incoviniences are adding up as TooSoon had mentioned.

She also said she thinks going to live with her parents for a while is a mistake since she feels they aren't nice to her. Sure they aren't nice to her, her actions aren't nice so why would they be nice.

Hey HTW. I looked for you earlier. Glad you made on today. Hang in there my friend you are doing well given the circumstances. Man, your WW and mine sound like sisters from the same household. My WW is acting very similar to yours in terms of ignoring all good things you are doing to improve yourself and things you are doing for them in plan A.

I update my thread below "Been reading...." if you get time to take a peek and comment.

You hang in there and know that many of us are praying for your situation.

HTW if you have time here are a couple excellent books that could be useful for your Plan A. Maybe you've seen them already?
- Every Man's Marriage, by Arterburn and Stoeker
- A Man's Role In the Home, by Tony Evans.

The first is one of the best books I've ever read. We are asked to think hard about how we've trampled our wives' spirit (in my case that's certainly true), and how to treat her like the precious gift she is. If we all had treated our wives this way our marriages would never have gone off the tracks. If already-BH in Plan A were to treat our WWs this way it would be an effective Plan A.

Doesn't matter if it's difficult to implement in an already-troubled relationship; we still need to put it into action. It's a doing book - a call to action. You don't read it, you live it.

The Evans book is only about 50 pages but very powerful. Can easily read it in an evening. Short but deep; about what we are called to do in our marriages.

I've just started this one:
- How One of You can Bring the Two of You Together, Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love, by Susan Page. Looks very promising. It's more tactically-oriented than the two above. (Can you tell I've really expanded my bookshelf?)

One of my WW's concerns had been that my self-improvements could be only temporary. I'm thinking my reading these books - which all about me and my heart rather than about her infidelity - has helped my WW see how committed I am to do all I can to make our M better. That may have contributed to her change of heart? (BTW there's no intention to manipulate her. I'm not reading them to affect her; just to make myself a better person.)

Good luck with your situation HTW. With your long-term Plan A, if a crack should develop between your WW and OM, I think she will find it easier to return to your M because of your kind and loving actions.

HTW

I aggree that if a crack does develop you are there man. I wish I was a strong as you. Keep up the good work. Don't worry about thinking your kids will think you did not work hard enough for them.

If nothing else, you have this long journel on the website as proof of your efforts. Not that your kids need to see this, but it is evidence to yourself to reassure yourself that you did do more than just a flyby on your efforts.

WOL

Thanks guys, wnh I will look into those books and hope your recovery continues to improve.

Although my WW will be leaving I get the sense she may be trying to delay things slightly to improve her living arrangements. See I don't think she wants to live with her parents and is looking around for a new place, so she may try to stay longer with me to accomodate a move directly to a new place.

I would like her to leave now to protect my love for her, however I don't want it to seem like I am forcing her out. Any suggestions on how I can suggest she leave ASAP!

I'm ready for Plan B!

journaling...

Last night I asked my WW how her house search was going and I got babble back (what else did I expect).

She said that she will have to start from scratch. Buy a new home, buy new furniture, etc. I just said that the choice to leave was hers.

She was also upset about me telling our friends that she is leaving becasue she isn't happy. She feels they will take my side since she is the one who wants out of the M. All I said was "what would you like me to say to them?". I didn't get a response.

Then she started on me about how I don't make decisions with her in mind as I had just shredded the cheques to our savings account. I really don't see what the big issue is here, the account will be closed very shortly and I didn't want any loose cheques flying around. She thinks I did it so she won't steal money from the account. In hindsight I probably should have POJA here.

She said everyone including me wants her to stay and be unhappy. I said I want her to stay and be happy and that I'm not forcing her to stay.

So I should have known better to ask her how the house search was going. Every conversation we have is negative. No matter how it starts it always digresses to what I did or am doing wrong.

I am finding that when I try to talk to my WW I start smiling for some reason. My WW gets upset at this (however she did also smile back) since she thinks I'mnot taking her seriously. I don't know what is causing it. I almost feel like I know I will get babble from her so I start smiling as soon as it starts. It has become so predictable and it makes me laugh a little. Needless to say she gets upset when I do this but it is extremely difficult to control.

Hope, I suspect you smile because part of your heart is detaching. At first, it cut to the bone to hear your wife's babble because you were attached to her and entangled. Now a little time has gone by and you are beginning to detach. And actually, to be completely honest, babble is pretty funny at times because it's so...well...stupid. It's amusing (in a sick, twisted Farside kind of way) to hear that alien voice coming out of the body that used to be your spouse.

So don't sweat it. Smile a little--it will drive her nuts.

Now as regards "the move" I suggest that you remember that it is the most loving thing you can do to allow someone to experience the consequences of their choices. If you shield them from personal responsibility, it is NOT in their best interests. Thus, do not feel "guilty" or anything like that for allowing your wife to experience the consequences of choosing another man over her children and marriage. In REAL LIFE (not the alien fantasy), she will lose half of her possessions, half of her income, and half of her time with her children...AT LEAST. This is not "being mean" or you "being selfish"--this is what happens when a person chooses to move out. You just keep reminding yourself and her that you are offering her the chance to Keep all her possessions, to Keep the standard of living, Keep the house, and Keep the time with her precious children if she will only agree to give up the other man! If she were to put the effort into YOUR MARRIAGE that she is putting into her affair, then she would be happy. So don't forget that...Okay??

Hugs to you! Carry on! ((HTW)




FNCJ

FNJC, the smiling is driving her nuts and she told me it bothers her but I can't stop it. It is like clock-work...I'll ask her a question and the negative comments start spewing out of her. Then I start smiling because it is so predictable.

The incident about the joint bank account comes to mind. She felt I wasn't contributing enough and when I showed her the online tranfers I made she made excuses and ignored the evidence. At that point I started smiling and almost laughing because I couldn't get through to her.

I throw out the occasionaly olive branch to her and she promptly snaps in half. I don't have many branches left on my olive tree <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I think you are right about the detaching part. I have started to do this in preperation for Plan B so it doesn't hit me as hard when I go into it. As much as I want to bring up OM and I don't and that has helped me also.

She has already offered to drive the kids to and from school on certain days when they will be with me. Boy is she ever going to be pissed when I hand her my Plan B letter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


Well said! She doesn't want to face the consequences so that is why she is complaining about me telling people she is not happy and wanting to leave M, having to start from scratch, having people upset with her, and generally not getting what she wants.

I still love her very much, but each passing day is proving to me that I will be fine no matter what happens.

I look back to the terrible shape I was in only a few short months ago and how much I have improved emotionally and physically (without AD's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />). I hope new BS's reading this understand that they will get better too. It will just take time.

Hope,
Just wanted to say how great it is to "hear" that you're doing so well and being so strong. I also wanted to clarify that when I first posted to you -- telling you how it made me cry to read that bit about you doing nice little things for you wife like covering her with a blanket while she slept on the couch -- I didn't mean at all that I felt sorry for you. Quite the opposite. It wasn't pitty. It was more like awe. Reminded me of the way I felt when I first watched the movie "BraveHeart". Have you seen that? It's all about remaining true to your convictions in the face of great adversity and pain. Very humbling.
--SC

SC,

No need to clarify your comments but thanks anyway. I did see Braveheart and know what you are refering to...the only thing is I do still make mistakes, which are quickly pointed out by my WW.

As a BS you go through the full range of emotions and recently I have found myself struggling with hating my WW for what she has done to me and still loving her.

Betrayal from a spouse is an awful thing to go through. It stops you in your tracks and exposes feelings you thought you never had. I think Pep described it best when she said it felt like her husband had placed a grenade in her chest and pulled the pin...that is how I still feel sometimes and have described it to my WW that way.

Hang in there HTW. I know full well the feelings and range of emotions of which you speak. I have found myself going from wanting to rush to the home and take her in my arms to the other day calling the babysitter to see if she could come early so that I could get out of the home and not have to see her when she returned home from work. It is truly a love/hate situation right now.

What is truly frustrating for most BS's is that the WS (at least knowingly) a lot of the time seems to find no shame, guilt, or remorse for the lives they have forever changed even if the A is over in some cases. It is only way down the road that most, some,??? of them "get it" and are truly remorseful and repentant. Haven't been there myself so I have no clue about how you could hurt someone you say you love and then not be remorseful about it.

Last night I just about lost it and have begun the process of transitioning to Plan B.

I had a feeling my WW went to OM office location since she left early and wore her lacey panties. Then she didn't get home until 8:00 and I simply shut down and didn't even want to look at her. She immediately knew something was wrong and tried to get me to talk, but I was too upset.

After we had both had fallen asleep in bed she woke me at about midnight and asked me if I was going to tell her why I am mad. I told her that I didn't want to be hurt anymore. She said "what did I do for you to be mad?". I just kept telling her that "I didn't want to be hurt anymore". Finally she admitted she was at OM office location but working with another person alll day (ya right!)

We then actually had a fairly long conversation 2 hours about everything and I told her some things that were bothering me and she saying she can't trust me and asking if I felt bad or guilty for creating the relationship she now has with her family.

Then she said "it's not about love and never has been". When I asked her about this she said "although the scope of my love for you has changed, I will leave knowing I love you". Then she started crying. There were no trust issues during her EA so how can't it be about love? This doesn't make sense to me.

She said the issue is more about trust and how I have snooped and don't trust her. I said "you're right...I don't trust you".

She said once I agree with the appraiser's report she will proceed with the LS papers. I told her that's fine.

Hope....I am back...and I am a married man. This is not about me however.

It is about much more than trust my friend. Every word of what she said is babble...do not try an understand it....you're beating your head against the wall....