White Dove,

You can read about Froz's update by clicking here

Hey White Dove,

I'm glad to hear from you! I'm even more pleased that you are doing so well.

As for your question:


I don't know if I would recommend my method, but to put it simply...I went to her work, waited for her to leave and took pictures - might not be the best way, but that is how I found out.

We are in Chicago now with my family on vacation. The night before we almost POJA'd not to go.

But, the more I thought about it - the more wrong it seemed not to go. We had already committed to going. My father had already paid for all of us (it's a convention for my family's business and all of my family is here). Also, my siblings all traveled by plane and my father had planned on driving and taking all the grandchildren with him, most of whom are little kids. He was depending on us to help him with the children and it just seemed plain selfish and wrong to back out on him at 11 pm the night before we were to leave.

So, I decided to change my attitude about it. I have had to "change my attitude" several times a day and get refocused on making the best of things. There have been many times, though, that I've wished I would have just called him and backed out. I've also wondered how much airfare and car rental would be so I could get the heck out of here.

It's pretty difficult being here for a couple of reasons - one being that this was the city that Patriot and OW traveled to together on a business trip that kind of started the whole A. The other reason is that spending this much time with my family, it has been very difficult to hide my feelings. They notice that something is wrong, no matter how hard I try to hide it. I have had to field a couple of comments.

Last night, my daughter had a conversation with my mother and my mother asked her why I looked so sad. She said I looked as though I had lost my best friend.

It puts me in a rather difficult situation because I don't want to tell them the truth. I know they won't understand. I am also ashamed. But, then, I don't want them to think that the reason is because of them or because I don't want to be around them. I would guess that is what they probably think, because there has been so much conflict between my family and I in the past.

We are working on some things, too. Although, I feel as though we have had many false Recovery beginnings. We had a long talk last night when we could find a few moments alone. We have also gone over some details on this trip. I guess that's why I use the term "false Recovery". Every time we go over details, he contradicts something he has told me in telling me details before.

This only leaves me with more puzzle pieces that don't fit together. It also makes it very hard to trust him. A lot of these lies have been during times when I really thought we were in Recovery.

Last night he took a major step in dealing with conflict. I talked to him for a long time about ways to deal with conflict without blaming and how and why it can be healthy.

So he called his Father and dealt with a major conflict that he had been avoiding for a while.

I was astonished. I felt very proud of him for doing it. I know it wasn't easy for him - particularly with his family, where the root of his conflict-avoiding is.

I did feel pride in him for facing it, but I felt nothing but true admiration for the way he did it. I guess I expected his technique to be rather novice. It wasn't at all. The way he talked to his father and shared his feelings with him, reassuring his father of some things and showing so much compassion was truly amazing. No one could have done it in the way he did.

It really reminded me of one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place...because of his compassion towards other people.

But, today is a new day and there are new issues and problems to deal with.

It was nice, though, to be in that moment last night. I wondered if I should leave the room and let he and his father talk in private. I didn't, though. He didn't ask me to and I didn't want to interrupt him by asking. So, I just stayed. I really wanted to feel close to him. I wanted him to share that with me. Funny, that listening to him standing up and facing things with so much care and compassion with his father filled MY love bank.

This is very, very hard - Recovery - but we are hanging in there. I wish we were further along than we are.

Say a prayer for me, if you will. This trip is pretty difficult.

Oh, one more thing...I have recently become aware that I am a very strong person. I always thought I wasn't, but I am. I guess I didn't realize that. I'm not sure what to do with that knowledge. Doesn't being strong just mean you can handle more pain? I don't want that. So, still trying to figure out what it means...I just know that I am strong (which may or not be a good thing).

Take care,

Froz

LOL I thought about the drive by the work thing but if she’d gotten pregnant by my H then see would have already had the baby by now. Even though it is something that I would really want to know I’d doubt if it would serve any purpose at all. She acted so horribly towards me especially in the end after I told her H about A. The woman definitely has issues and I don’t think if she was in that situation that she would act responsible or even try to do the right thing. She would only be interested in doing what was convenient for her. The only hope that I have is that since her H knows about the A that he would do the right thing. I guess I will just wait for the right opportunity to present itself and if it does then I will jump at the chance to find out.

I know the Chicago thing is really hard on you. But eventually you WILL get past those triggers. I am such a believer in the saying “Time heals ALL wounds”. Yeah you may still the scar as a reminder of those bad times, but that’s all it will be a small reminder. I don’t know about you but for me (and I’m sure that I’m not alone out here on this one) I don’t think there was one time since his A that I have been able to make love to him with thoughts of her and him together running through my mind. Wondering if he is thinking of her or wishing that I was her…all kinds of crazy things.

Even though we are physically apart right now I still found myself do the same things my thoughts of my H. I recently revealed this to my H and it was a real eye opener for him to see what he’d done to our M. He even said that he did a terrible job putting himself in my shoes and having done so now, doesn’t know that he would have been able to endure what he has put me through.

Which in turned has motivated him even more so to be a better person, a better H, to be faithful to me and to regain my trust and faith in him no matter what the cost to himself. Getting to my point…about a month ago was the first time that I thought about my H sexually w/o bring the OW in those thoughts also. You know my H has a way of making me feel so good about myself, my pregnancy, his commitment to our M and his determination to make up for the wrong he has done…all factored in with TIME to heal… I have begun to slowly forget about the lies and deception.

He is a different person, a better person. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m not totally naïve to think that something like that couldn’t happen again, but I will cross that bridge when and if I ever have to. And it won’t be a hard one to cross, b/c I will leave.



Frozen, what does Recovery mean to you? For me it’s going 2 steps forward then back 1, but no matter how many steps you keep going. I know that you wish you were further, but your attitude will determine your altitude…have you ever heard of that one before?



Hooray for you!! Keep allowing him to do that. I know I am <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />;

August 15th will be our one year anniversary. He won’t be home yet, but when he gets home he wants to renew our vows, maybe in Hawaii or something romantic like that. Maybe even go as far as me getting another wedding gown and him in is dress whites and taking pictures, the whole nine yards (since I threw out everything from our wedding: pictures, video’s…etc. I keep forgetting about it (b/c of the stress of everyday stuff and with the baby coming real soon) he is always reminding me to be thinking of what I want to say. He says that it doesn’t matter to him what I say b/c I meant what I said at the altar the 1st time but he has been practicing and rehearsing what he is going to say to me. Before he left I even picked out new wedding rings. What a heck of a year. It was horrible.

And yes you are a strong person, not just b/c you can handle more pain…but think of it as you are a survivor and you haven’t quit the race. It takes character to keep a promise (commitment). Keep your chin up girl! You should be back in town. Did things continue to go well? I sure hope so, let me know.