I am bringing this post over from a thread in EN because I am not shure what to think:

Question: If a man is more physically attracted to his wife then he ever was, why wouldn't he want SF with her?

My H and I had a pretty active sex life in the begining of our marriage. I gained a lot of weight and things went down hill. we have been through a lot of stuff and seem to be on the mend now (at least for the past 3 days).

I began loosing weight just over a year ago and from then on even when things weren't great between us, my H seemed to still want SF. There were times just a few months ago when we were intimate more than once a day.

Now I am almost at my goal weight and I look much better. This is what he asked for for a very long time. I have always loved sex, but now it is even more enjoyable for me. I am finding I want it all the time. I do not approach him whenever I want it because I would never leave him alone. But I am rejected almost every single time. I am lucky to get it once a week. He was always VERY sexual and now there seems to be NOTHING I can do to turn him on. I have tried everything I can think of, even not bugging him about it.

I am finding that I feel very self concious and feeling like he must still see me how I used to look. I know I look better now and I am even better than I used to be (which was already good) in the SF department. I am not sure what the problem is and it is driving me crazy. It makes it hard to ignore the advances I get from others.

Any suggestions would be helpful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

-SpiningSwan

You say he cheated before? How long ago was his A's?

Good for you about your weight loss - be proud of you accomplishment!!!

It sucks to be rejected - but make sure you PLEASE ignore all advances you get from others - that is dangerous grounds to be walking on. I was the cheater and I know how dangerous that becomes.

maybe HE wants to be the one to initiate?

Dorry,


It was years ago, he said he has only done it once, but I have reason to believe it was more.


Thank you, it has been hard work.


As far as the advances go, I am careful. I just don't want to be.

[/quote]

eav,

Tried that route, he doesn't.

-SS

Well, you probably know this, based on the way you worded your question, but....

That is one of the big signs of an A in progress.

That's not telling you to jump to conclusions about it, but it is a sign that you may want to start being very observant.

Another reason that can happen is if he is having..umm...problems in that department. And the problems could be something physical - totally unrelated to anything to do with you or any woman. It's a big ego thing for a guy, and it's not unusual for them to just avoid SF and not tell what the problem is.

Here's a suggestion, though - ask him. Not if he's having an affair or anything, just ask him if there is something wrong, some reason he doesn't want to have SF. He's your husband, you should be able to talk about these things. Of course, he may not be very forthcoming when you do ask him. But finding out the reason could be very important. If there's a physical reason, he needs to get to the doctor; it can be a symptom of bigger problems.

I would say for now, though, to be observant and start figuring out what you can on your own, but also to talk to him and see what you can get him to tell you. If you approach it in a loving way, and it isn't an A, you may be able to get him to talk to you - which could go a long way towards solving the problem.

What did he AND you do after the A? Did you attend MC? Did you and he attempt to reconnect? How was it resolved? How do you know the A ended?

osxgirl,
I have asked him, he says "he is just getting older and it isn't that important anymore" (he is only 37, me 30).

As far as anything physical being wrong, nope.

As far as me not meeting his needs, I have done a lot of work our whole marriage to make sure that I do. More so since I came to MB.

Jimmy,

We did nothing. He wouldn't go to counceling, and said he was a whole different person. He has changed in some ways (drinking), but other than that nothing. As a matter of fact, I ended up appoligizing to him for not doing what he needed me to to make him happy.
The only one he admited to was with a 'gay' woman who lived next door to us and had moved about 6mos. before he told me about it.
Oh, and he told me by screaming it at me while I was asking him about a completely different time he was gone all night with a friend.


He has a job that I have nothing to do with. He is on salary so no reported hours. He can take as long of lunches as he wants and leave when he wants and I would have no way of knowing unless he didn't come home on time, which he almost always does.

On Tuesdays he goes to his moms house to take out her trash and I just found out he isn't getting there until 6:30 or so and he is always home at 6 on any other day.

Well - since you guys never resolved the first A - in any shape or form - he wanted to forget about it from what i appears to me, I would ask him right out. Of course he will deny it - but maybe start investigating it a little.

Has he read His Needs her needs too? Have you insisted things need to change, or do you do what alot of us do, and back down when he gets upset and angry?

I have he either tells me I am crazy (I know, I know) or somehting else along the lines of "I told you I am not that person anymore". I have done some investigating, but felt very guilty for doing it. On the surface, he is the perfect husband. He is extremely good at manipulation and explinations. I found some weird things, .mac accounts etc., but when it came right down to actually changing the passwords so I could get into them I chickened out.

When I asked him about them he said he didn't know what they were. Then he said that they were probably set up a long time ago for his work, but after my last chicken out at getting into the account, the next time I went to check it and I was actually going to do It, the account was closed. I never talked to him about that part because I knew he would say that he has no idea about any of it.

I have also found out about other accounts that he has and chose not to mention anything to him about them because I know he will lie.

Wow, sounds pretty bad when I write it down.

Well, well no one should jump to conclusions about anything...he may not be having an A, but based on his reactions to you, and the fact that he will NOT talk about the one he confessed about and calls you crazy or says he is not that person, but has not SHOWN you he is not that person, you have ever right to protect your best interest, esp if you know he is good a manipulation.

Other people here may have better suggestions on snooping...as I too feel guilty about it. Perhaps read up on some of the old threads, etc. If you are feeling crazy - usually it's your gut telling you something isn't right.

In any case - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - if you are feeling any temptation about the advances you yourself have been getting, talk about them with someone, keep reading MB...see a councellor - do NOT head down the road of an Affair - it will make matters SOOO much worse. And honestly if you are feeling as you are feeling, it can happen so easily to you - protect yourself and get a goal and focus on that goal and realize that heading down that road will ruin any goal you made for the marriage.

thank you so much dorry.

I wont act on anything, but he has already told me that he doesn't care if I do because he knows I love him (ya, that makes me feel better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />)

As far as him not Showing any change, he actually has, but only on the level of what he feels his obligations are as far as being the head of our household. But I can not sit here and say that he is a bad guy. I have a nice life aside from all of this. He is amazing in so many ways.

I am not jumping to any conclusions, actually I am afraid I may be jumping AWAY from them.

-SS

okay....here is my honest opinion based upon what happened to me

I lost 85 pounds so far since my husband told me he was not "in love " with me anymore. He says i look like i did when we dated..too bad he's not attracted to me anymore...SEX? are you kidding me?? i asked for a kiss goodnight once and he said..i don't feel that way about you!!!!

just confirmed this week-that he had started his affair again with a married woman at the same time.....so he didn't need me to meet his needs sexually

i would be very concerned if i were you.

I AM.

I don't know what to do. I kindof want to just leave, I am at that point. I know I love him, but am so tired of all of this. If I was able, I would most likely go.

If I knew for sure it would be easy, even if I had to stay with my mother. As it is right now, not being 100% sure, I can't take my children out of their home just because I have a 'gut feeling' and I am not emotionally or physically satisfied with my husband. That would be unfair to them.

Guess I understand a little better why he married me. I Think I just realized I am still with HIM because of the kids. I love him, but I deserve so much more and so does he. We both should be able to have REAL love.

Bottom line, I just can't leave without the truth.

-SS

Geeze, am I trying to convince you or me?????????

You are trying to convince yourself - start snooping - gather evidence. Watch his actions - ask him right out and see how he reacts. Figure it out...

I have asked him and his reactions are very questionable. He still hasn't been honest about a lot of stuff.

I attempted to do a little looking around a while ago, but I just feel to guilty. When I am with him it seems like I am just crazy for thinking that way (until I talk to him about any of my concerns, then I just have this sinking in my gut that tells me somehting is VERY wrong).

-SS

Additional questions:

How would I find out if he had a cell phone that I don't know about?

Also, anyone know the signs of an affair at work??

Spinning,

How about cell phone bills? Any phone #s that appear way too often?

A voice activated tape recorder, hidden in his office?? In his car?

Do not feel guilty for snooping.

A 37 year old man is not getting older, where SF does not matter anymore. I am 55 and SF matters way too much. (of course when you don't receive it, it becomes much more important.)

Can men can get too much of a good thing? It seems incomprehensible to refuse you time and again, without some other reason. So unless he is going gay on you or there is some physical impairment or he is wanting to punish you for some reason, there may be some hanky panky going on.

IMHO

k

Two signs that I can think of right off the top of my head are a lack in sexual interest and telling you that you are crazy.

Ok...here's my take.

Don't take this the wrong way...

He no longer feels like he has control of his life. He sees you and the kids as a responsibility that keeps him from living a full life. You are not his partner, but his jailer. He sometimes resents his loss of freedom. He may feel trapped.

Understand that this is more about how he chooses to see his life than how it actually is.

I doubt he could even tell you what he really wants to change...he just doesn't like how he's feeling.

Have you talked to him about his dreams and ambitions in life? Where does he see himself 5 years from now? 10?

My wife and I actually stumbled into these kinds of conversations on several occasions, and it really brought to light that we had really different ideas about where we wanted our lives to go. It was disturbing at first, but opened up opportunities for us to re-connect.

Low

BTW, based on just what you've said, it doesn't sound like an affair.

Talk to him. Don't be afraid.