For those who know my story or don’t.
ANY HELP OR INSIGHT PLEASE

Wife and I separated 8 weeks ago when she came home from her stepfather’s funeral in California. She was there for two weeks. When she got home said she wanted a divorce and wanted to go out to be w/ her Mom for a few weeks. (Shock and wow) I suggested she take the kids and go ASAP to help her think and for me to get my act together. ( I had an epiphany about or relationship then) 2 weeks later the wife and kids left for ca. They were there for 7 weeks.

ONE (1) day after she left for ca. I found out she was having an affair (snooped on the computer). So it all started when she went for the funeral. Life was not perfect for the months before his death but …(there were just the ongoing unhappiness she experienced from our marriage). So…I called and said for her to turn around and come work this out. She didn’t.

7weeks later she is finally back and said then that affair was emotional and our issues are still the point. I tapped the phone and she had called the om since shes been back. BTW other man is Dr. at the hospital where dead father worked (and he's married) When confronted w/ proof she said yes sexual because our marriage was dead. I was 99.999% sure this had already happened.

We went to our scheduled MC session that day anyways...things picked up that evening after counseling w/ a hug from her...actually we were able to talk and act more like a couple since then.

She is still not able to commit to reconciliation or anything. Not trusting me to not be kind and sharing and caring and all of the other things I wasn't in our old marriage. love ya not in love type thing I guess. I have changed and desire to love unconditionally and provide love and support and make my self emotionally avail. I have asked questions and do obsess that the affair is over now and she has said it is. He is 2500K miles away and married.

I for my part when she left for Ca. have changed my ways/initiated counseling /weekly church etc. bottom line she was not happy in our "dead" marriage and got into and affair and wanted (or still wants?) a divorce. She has said in the last week she doesn’t want to divorce w/out 1st trying the counseling etc.. we can talk and go thru daily activities and have counseling tomorrow eveningg for our 2nd session ( my 7th session).

I have been having a HUGE HARD TIME loving and being emotionally avail and NOT getting that in return. (She says now I know how she felt for 7 yrs) PLUS i AM GUILTY OF LOVEBUSTERSBUT-How can she see changes and not respond? Why can’t she forgive and move on if I can forgive and move on? Am I being impatient? I’m not seeing something? DOES she still love me in a recognizable way? ----as you can read my thoughts are scattered and I AM emotional and really think of nothing else except my wife and girls. So I can hang on. Be patient. Do this. Do that. What’s my next move? etc..ANY HELP OR INSIGHT PLEASE

Update****

we have had 2 mc sessions and are able to be together-date-and SF occasionally since FINAL discoovery 2 weeks ago. She still will not comminicate feelings and or talk about our relationship. How long to go ? what do I say? BTW I have not exposed because counseler said not to do at this time. whats my next step?

Have you exposed to OM's wife? She deserves to know so she can choose for herself, rather than her husband having all the options in their marriage.

counseler doesnt think Its a good idea now....since shes back/he's married and they are 2500 miles between them.

mich-dad, I don't understand your counselor's thinking. The OM's wife deserves to know plus exposure will hopefully end any contact with your WW and OM

btw, don't tell your WW before you expose.

mich dad, to answer your question directly...

What’s my next move?

simple: be the type of husband you want your wife to have.

and yes have patience. it takes time for a person to believe in the changes they are seeing their spouse making. a potentially very long time. just keep doing what you are doing, love your wife and daughters.

i am quite sure you will end up being her hero.

why would you want to discuss relationship issues with someone who disrepects relationships...

why would you go belly up and let a woman endanger your children by teaching them that when an adult displeases another adult the logical route is to move aways from them and replace them....

why haven't you read about plan A and what dont' you understand about it...cause the first thing you don't understand is that you still expect positve reinforcement from her..which is NOT part of plan A...

AND

though this post sounds tough...the sooner you grow that back bone...see the danger your children are in and start acting in a way that empowers you....

you are going to keep spinning your wheels...

I don't have a tag-line..but I am begining to think if I did it would say..

Plan A not for the weak of heart...

ARK

heres what you do...

1. you make it clear that she will never ever be able to take the children away from the home again no matter where this ends up...that it is NOT OK to move the children from this location to that location depending on which man fits her mood at any given day..

2. you seek legal counsel to see what rights you have to stop any and all exposure of the children to STRANGERS

3. You expose the affair to the OM wife..she has a right to know that her family is under attack....

what are her issues with you...can you identify them...
can you change them

do you understand plan A is all about changing and giving with NO NONE ZIP expectations of any type of acknowledgement.....

I will bump the plan a thread if you need me to...

ARK

wow ok should I plan A now that she is back in the house and we are going to counseling? How do I do that?

well her issues now are that I can not go more than a few days w/out asking her is she has made a decision about wanting to work on our marriage. She makes that a deal breaker everytime. ---its a pattern- i ask /and she says i broke up any good thing going...see...Says that I cant be patient and wait for her to make a decision. It's true...I can't go more than a few days w/out asking her if shes made any decisions yet...so in her eyes im a piece of [censored] and thats what she tells her friend too. So how do i do make a plan A or B or plan Ddivorce this relationship thats so obviously off in the ditch...ahhhh

Mich,

I've been going through a situation very much like yours. Lost connection with wife, caused her pain, she had affair, now she is weary of trusting the changes I've made in myself.

It's been about 5 months for me. First couple weeks were the worst, then she started opening up. Some days she wants us to be together, some days she doesn't. You have to focus on the long term. If you look at the way she feels on an individual day then you'll just get a bunch of ups and downs.

Keep following plan A, focus on being a great husband, and above all, be consistant. She needs to believe that this is you for good, not just while you try to get her back.

Sundog, have you been in "plan A" for 5 months? Is your WW affair still active?

sorry if this is a T/J?

Sour....

Lemon,

Started my own thread on an update of my situation and an answer to your question: Sundog Update

well her issues now are that I can not go more than a few days w/out asking her is she has made a decision about wanting to work on our marriage

then quit asking...plan A is ALL about not relationship talk...
WS can NOT be trusted..why engage in so called meaningful deep relationship talks with them....
what could be the point....

plan A is YOU working on your end of the marriage inspite of (most) things the WS does or doesnt' do..

how old are the children....

release your fears from what her decisions are...
make your decisions..
decide to plan A for a set time...
then plan B,.....

this all about YOU....

all right since you're not quit sure about plan a I will bump the post....the plan A post that is....
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ARK

mich dad, part of the problem is that she is likely still in contact with the OM. As long as she is still in contact with him, she will be withdrawn from you. She cannot draw to you until the affair is over and she has withdrawn from him. That is the purpose of Plan A, to end the affair so your marriage can recover.

And the way you end/hasten the end of the affair is to expose it. Particularly to the OM's wife. If she knows about the affair, then she can watch her H from end and help ensure that the affair ends and stays ended. This is a tool in your arsenal that you cannot afford to not use. So, if you want to get your marriage back, your first order of business must be to contact the OMW.

And secondly, stop begging your W for second chances. She has had an affair and has somehow manipulated you into thinking that you are the bad guy here. Sure, you contributed to the state of the marriage, but so did she. And none of that justifies an affair.

Your counselor gave you terrible advice when she told you not to expose the affair to the OM's wife. The C likely knows very little about infidelity and that is evidenced by her bad advice. I assure you that Dr. Harley, one of the top marriage counselors in the US, who specializes in infidelity, DOES recommend exposure to the OP's spouse and to your family members and friends.

All of these are reasons TO expose, not reasons to NOT expose. This is very bad advice, michdad. Exposure causes the end of the affair because it causes great conflict in the affair. The affair can only thrive under the veil of secrecy, it makes no sense to HELP them hide their dirty secret. You are aiding and abetting the affair if you help them keep their secret.

Well ...this morning I asked her to put 100% into our marriage ....and after much staring in space...and she has agreed. It seems half heartedly but she has agreed- I know she needs to see things and so do I. I truly belive that I can see the fruit of her labor and if anything from this point on is true. I think she could too. Can we fake it till we make it? I have faith- if we put everything into rebuilding in the end there would be No REGRETS. what do I have to lose? nothing and everything to gain. She has agreed to go to counseling tonite. I hope and pray that we can get our circle of christ(church family) back together and move forward.THE KIDS AND THEIR ISSUES are my top priorities. Do I still need to call the other mans wife??????can I just move on and beleive? see the way she acts?

Well ...this morning I asked her to put 100% into our marriage

Do you see this as an exercise in futility

OR

Do you see this as a productive communication exercise...

ARK

well..it seems that I was pushing and that she did say she would committ just from the pressure. Last nite at counseling she said that I'm just pushing her away and not giving her space. So -there is no magical reconsiliation. I have "love must be tough" and I now do know what it will take. Counseler says to not push and plead and beg. Makes me unattrative showing control and insecurities. This has been a roller coaster and my 11 yr daughter feels that I dont love her now too. 5yr old has no clue-but has been acting out-nothing that can't be fixed my her seeing parents in a loving relationship. My life is a mess. I put it in Gods hands and will not be asking my wife about us anymmore. I have myself and my relationships w/ my children to concentrate on. Divorce,while not pretty, can't be my motivating thing to rebuild these relationships. I want my wife to love me for who I am (what she sees now-and what she used to see at one time) and to bring my relationship w/ 11yr old into a place of compassion. So here I go at the beginning again. Rock bottom. Nowhere to go but up. So which way is that?

mich dad, let me ask you something. If you knew your neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling money from him, would you warn him? Do you think your silence would help or hurt your neighbor?