Zactly!! This whole thing is about turning your relationship around, turning yourself around in all aspects of that relationship.

Example. Conversation. Many times, we use the word "you" instead of "I." Like "You always made me feel used." That is a disrepectful judgment...it will ALWAYS cause defensiveness from the party that is receiving these words. A better way to say this? "Many times, I have felt used in this relationship." See the differenc? When you say "you," the other person in the conversation by nature will have to defend themselves. When you say "I," you are able to communicate what you want without being confrontational.

That is the art of communication. Isnt it what we are trying to do...trying to get our point across? Why would we want the other party to immediately reject what we are saying, so they dont even listen to the substance of what we are saying?

Now, I am able (mostly) to get in an "argument" with my wife, but it does not turn to an argument. Get it? Like today. Hottest day of the year in the DC area. My wife is out of town for two days at a training class. My MIL is taking care of the kids today...and calls my wife at the class to tell her the air conditioning just went out. Of course, she could have called me at the office...but instead, she called my wife in the middle of the class and stressed her out and had her dealing with something she cant do anything about where she is at right now. So, my wife calls me "going off." She is upset. Why cant anyone help her? Why does she have to do everything? And so on.

Now, before I learned all of this stuff I am talking about, I would have responded to this "attack" by saying "Look, you dont take care of everything. Look how I took care of 'X, Y, Z' last week. I do most of the fixing around the house anyway. And why cant your mother take care of things today, like calling a repairman?" How far do you think that would have gotten me? We would have digressed into an argument about who does what, or who does more. Totally unproductive for the problem at hand AND...takes a whole lot of love units out of the bank. And by asking her about her mother, all I am doing is perpetuating what her mother did...passing the buck onto my wife to take care of getting her mother to take some responsibility. I would have been guilty as her mom.

So, how did I handle it? well, I wanted to go off myself, as I didnt like being told these things, didnt like her mom upsetting her, etc. But here's what I did instead. First, I just let her talk. I asked questions. I waited until she had all the information out.

Then I said to her "Honey, you dont need to be taking care of this. If I (there's that word again) had known the air conditioning had broken before this moment, I would have certainly taken care of it. I am headed back to the office right now and as soon as I get there, I will call the repairman and get him out there." See all of those "I's"?

Know what happened? She instantly calmed down. She began to apologize for going off on me, and explained that her mom had just ramped her up and had put all of this on her why she was in this stressful class. I just told her I was sorry that this had happened, that I would take care of the air conditioning, and that I suggested she might want to talk to her mom about this incident when she got back.

She again thanked me and apologized for going off on me. We then ended the conversation with how well she is doing, that she is having fun with the other nurses...and she will call me later.

See how that works? Look, I was the worst offender of the "you" conversation. No one could start a confrontation like I can. But one of the things I learned during this whole process of Plan A, Plan B, recovery, etc was that I needed to work on my communication skills.

And since I handled this well, the air conditioning is gettign fixed, I deposited love units with my wife, and I even got an apology from my wife for my Taker.

Win-win all the way around, as I see it.

In His arms.

So to summarize what I have learned from this wonderful thread:

• The boundary I wanted to set "You can not see OM anymore" is not a boundary, but a demand. That is the goal of the negotiation which is plan A, but cannot be a preset condition.
• I should be using "I" instead of "you" in my negotiations.
• I should stop expecting specific outcomes from my actions.
• I cannot enforce NC during plan A, I can only shine light on it through exposure and comunnication with WS.
• The level of "crisis creation" (my reaction to contact) should increase until I excercise the nuclear option (Plan B). Which is pretty much inevitible except in some rare cases.

Is that a good start?

In nutshell.

But you don't list one of the more important negotiation strategies: a new and improved marriage. A new you with no LB's, meeting her EN's, good communications and renewed self-confidence.

And I wouldn't say Plan B is the nuclear option. That's filing for D. Plan B is your boundary enforcement consequence. Basically, complete withdrawal of the above offer until WW is willing to negotiate in good faith.

Hi Dontknow ~

In a nutshell, change the things you can, and let go of the things you can't.

Your changes (rectifying lovebusters and meeting emotional needs) are you most powerful negotiation tool.

Once you are done communicating with your actions, it is time for your words (Plan B letter) and your boundaries (protect your love for your wife in going dark).