No - unfortunately I easily get sucked in by her and agree to anything when I see any glimmer of hope of getting her back - this is something I will have to change..

Boy do I wish you could all have seen what has progressed over the course of this relationship and see how incredibly badly she is exaggerating everything and minimalizing the things she did. In comparison, the things I did are TINY to what she did - not that it matters; but I'm merely saying; she's playing the victim game HARD here.

The only reason I really began talking to her to begin with was because we had to figure out what we were doing about our marriage before I left; getting the separation agreement instead of divorce papers gave me the opening I needed to start Plan B when I head back to Pullman - also getting this last opportunity to spend a nice Plan A with her on her BIRTHDAY one last time before I move into Plan B is HUGE. I think this was for the best. I will begin the formal Plan B as soon as I finish this letter and have you guys review it. I will hand it to her tomorrow after we have a fun time Plan Aing.

Yeah...I've noticed that as this arguement has gone on the time I neglected her has changed in her eyes from 2 months, to 5 months, to now recently a year...lol...

Yeah, the reality is - I won't wait forever; we saw this after I nearly gave up last week. Like I posted earlier; my one big weakness is that I get hooked easily and start throwing out anything I can to try and get her to come back.


No, I haven't started a formal Plan B letter yet; that is what I am going to spend today writing.

You're right - we weren't ready to be married; and as we can all see, we still aren't. I wish we would have waited longer too; unfortunately we didn't so I've got to work with what I've got now.


I know this - my W had this huge idea in her head that we could have a kid this year; I told her no because I knew we weren't ready emotionally or financially - and she got flaming pissed at me.

Alright guys, I'm off to go write a Plan B letter; I will need help - so stick around <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Finally got through most of the IM. The ring issue is a biggie. I would NOT ask for it back...it is dead now. It is a boomerang ring that could always be held over your head. I think I would make as a term for reconciliation that you BOTH bought new rings.

What would be your other terms? How could she prove to you she was totally committed to the M?

I liked the way you apologized for your part in the troubles in your M...noticed how she DIDN'T apologize? Or would say, "I'm sorry but I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't..."? Ugh.

Next time I would say things like, "I can see how you saw things this way," or reflect back to her...like "You think the problems started when we went to Pullman." Just say back to her the same thing she said to you. Nod, and just try to stare into the fog.

Doesn't look like Thursday is going to work out after all...she is backpedalling on that night. Leave it alone, she'll go out with you when she wants...when she does...Plan A. How long can you keep up the Plan A? You may need more time to show a changed Fox. How much love do yoiu have left for her?

This was the very reason I nearly gave up and filed for divorce last week; and the same reason I went dark for over a week until last night when she talked to me - I have had this idea drilled into my skull that EVERYTHING has been my fault; when in actuality (although we have both been at fault) what she has done has been HUGE in comparison to me spending a little too much time on the computer. I heard from a friend of her's that she had this same problem with her ex's - she expected them to spend ALL of their free time with her; this led to both of them leaving her.



Actually - she e-mailed me this morning and told me that she wants to get together on Thursday at around 1pm for the day. So it looks like Thursday is still on. I can keep up the Plan A until I leave for Pullman; but I'm not going to continue it long distance; unless people think I need more time for a firm Plan A establishment - I think moving to Plan B while I'm here in person however will make the effect a ton greater than if she's had time to adjust to me being gone and having contact with me. I think moving into Plan B after a fun-filled day on her b-day is perfect. Thoughts?

Well; unfortunately for me; all it took was this one conversation to fall in love all over again to speak. Before this conversation - I was on the verge of divorcing her. So, to answer your question; I still love her dearly.

How much time do you have before you leave? It may take more than one night for a Plan A...and I agree, when you go to school that would be a logical time to move to Plan B...but I wonder if you can stay in Plan A a little longer.
Plan A is an opportunity to show her you have changed, to show a new Fox, without LB's and meeting her EN's. Its a time to negotiate a new M, complete and whole without any OM. One IM and a birthday dinner may not leave enough of an impression on her to remember what a M could be like to go back to (not after her memory has been tainted so...)
Maybe you can keep up a LD Plan A...until September or October?

You should stay in Plan A as long as YOU think you can...when you feel that love leaving and you have only a bit left...time to move to Plan B. I think you have more than a bit left, and the D was a knee jerk response to hurt and pain. I say, keep this up for the long haul...get a better plan in place, but have a Plan B letter prepared... Give yourself a time line that you think a Plan B should start...one month? two months? six? Part of Plan B is mentally and emotionally preparing for it too...keeping yourself busy, putting a buffer up, etc.

I leave for school on August 13th

Thoughts from anyone else on continuing Plan A? It seems like my former Plan A was enough...at least based on her reaction to my informal Plan B. I think tomorrow might be enough to move into Plan B; but I'd like more opinions from people who have read all of my posts before I do anything.

Fox, Your W is a spoiled child. Literally, not figuratively. She is simply too young to be married.

And, maybe you are too.

BTW, you cannot drift into Plan B. It's something else entirely if you do that. Sulking?

A love letter to your wife, often called the Plan B Letter, is required. Otherwise, she does not know what the h is going on.

Poor communication is rampant in your short M. And still continuing.

I strongly suggest you get with a real plan.


With prayers,

Plan B now.

In His arms.

I hate to admit it but I may have underwear older than you! Now I am not proud of that but I just wanted to give you some perspective.

You are very young with a lot of life before you. When I read your conversation I thought you were the cheater not her. She is very spoiled and does not know how to be a wife.

It appeared to me that you gave her the go ahead to cheat on you. That she could date and see other people and you would be there for her. This is a huge mistake and something you had better correct now and not a minute later. Gosh it would sure be nice when things get tough in a marriage to go out and see if you can find someone else and screw them whenever you want. And then if things do not work out you can always go back to the one that is waiting for you! That will never lead to a happy marriage! Do not settle for it.

My marriage is ending from my wife cheating but her actions remind me of your wife. If I could have gone back to 1 year of marriage and ended it I would have saved so much of my life and happiness. My W was always spoiled and like your wife everything was my fault.

If you want to save your marriage demand she commit to you and be accountable or cut her loose and move on with your life. You are showing what a good man you are by trying to get past her cheating. That makes you a better man than me since I was unable to do that. Some of us just cannot overcome a blow like that.

I am not going into my whole story but my wife cheated and was a bit*h most of our marriage. I tried to placate her to make her happy but it never worked. She treated me like crap and I took it I always thought I could make her come along. Well she betrayed me in a big way and I am finally going to be free from her and now she begs me every day to take her back. I will never take her back but it is funny how all of a sudden when I could give a crap about her she wants me again. I use to almost beg her to love me and she showed disdain to me and as soon as I got rid of her she loves me more than anything. There is something to be said for Plan B since I kicked her out she wants to be with me. When I use to plead and beg her she couldn't care a less. Now that I moved on she wants me and I will not take her back.

Your wife was losing her grip on you so she contacted you. You got sucked back into her and now you agreed to let her see other people and maybe she will find her way back to you. Don't agree to be her friend she is either your wife or nothing. Stick to your guns and you will either get her back or be done with her. Either way it will be better than seeing her go off with other guys laughing all of the way. In her mind she will have you there if it doesn't work out with them.

Good luck!

I just finished filling out the separation papers; its 8:34pm here - my wife is coming over tomorrow at 1pm. I got her a birthday card; and we'd made plans for the day - its then that I'll have her sign the separation papers, the rest of the day will be spent Plan Aing.

When she is getting ready to leave for home should I just hand her the letter and ask her to read it when she gets home? Or should I have her ready it while I'm there with her?

Its so hard not to patronise you FOx. I too am old enough to be your dad, but in truth a ACHE that your young life is already polluted by such as this.

You should be having college honey heartbreaks now not MARRIAGE seperation and divorce talks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

If It was me, I would want to start again before I got too jaded at a young age. I cannot see how her discontent so young and early in marriage can ever lead to a great long marriage for you two.

I'd just quit Fox, grieve my unrequited love and move on.

but you need to do what you need.

ALl blessings. Its bag a [censored] to be dragging around aged 20, and thats a fact.

bob...

I would quit; only - I've spent my entire life fighting through hard things; this is no different. I refuse to simply lay down the fight and give up - I made a promise to this girl; and until she can look me in the eyes and tell me with a 100% confidence that she doesn't want to be with me anymore; I will be here for her.

Sacrificing a year or two of happiness to ensure the happiness of someone else is the least I can do to thank God for giving me the opportunity to live on this Earth.

I've spent my whole life watching my loved ones give up on themselves and their dreams and goals...this is something I'll never do. I'll fight till the bitter end if I have to for this marriage; even if it seems hopeless.

Fox
I read your story.

But understand that fighting is only worthwhile if the objective is worth it.

Fighting isn't noble of itself.

I worry that from what I read, even if you WIN this battle and shannon moves home she is SO immature SO selfish your relationship will never be the mutually nurturing relationship a marriage is supposed to be.

I did a lot of heart searching before committing to fight for MY marriage when Squid had an affair. A LOT. And we had 20 years together and two kids to consider. And still there were moments I wondered if it was worth it.

Without doubt I would have walked away if we didn't have kids or so much history.

Sometimes its braver to let a fight slip and walk away.

bob...

a lot of what you said is true. And I actually find myself asking these questions on a daily basis.

She is very immature; I don't think she truly understands what marriage is all about - unfortunately; the people she has immersed herself in throughout life have destroyed that.

You know, in a lot of ways you are right - and I know I could find someone out there who would treat me 100% better than what Shannon has done - but when I stop and think about how she was before we were married; and the girl she was in the beginning of our marriage; I can't really decide..

Although; once the "infatuation" veil dropped - her true colors came out - the same ones that coerced her two serious bf's before me to leave...

When I look at her; she's turning into a carbon copy of her mom - a woman I can't stand; and a woman that, from what i've seen - would make a horrible wife. I've seen Shannon's actions in her mother's advice; and it makes me wonder now - truly, if there is even a point to this like you said...