Rprynne,

""but she said she wanted to leave on a trip for 2 weeks so she could sort things out.""

HUGE RED FLAG!! And with WHO??

It sounds like she is still in the A. You must get used to the idea that everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie, until you can prove it is true.

If she is still in the A and doesn't want it to end, then she will lie her A$$ off to keep her fantasy world intact.

Do you know who the OM is? Time to get pro-active and start fighting for your marriage...if that is what you really want.

k

I appreciate all the advice. I came back to the house this afternoon. We had lunch and talked and I told her that I could not make her stay. I told her I did not understand why she was doing this and didn't want this. I told her that the only reason I could see for leaving again was to continue the A. Asked repeatedly about the A and if something was still going on with anyone. WW stills says no. I don't know who the OM is. I just don't have any way to prove it one way or another. As respectfully as I could, I told WW that everything she is doing screams that the A continues. Told her that she should show me her bank statements, cell bills, etc. Said she had no problem with that, so we'll see. We hugged and kissed and WW left shortly after. She called her parents and asked to stay with them for a few days because we were having problems. She did not reveal the A to her parents.

Anyway, I'm going to keep plugging along, and try to stay optimistic right now. Do some things for myself. My Dad is driving all the way up here tommorrow to help out while I get going. Pops is the best and that should help. I agree either the A continues, she's in the longest withdrawal ever, of the fog is just too thick. Still love her dearly and hope she can find her way.

Again, thanks for the help and I'll keep asking questions.

Krusht - yeah, I really want to fight for my marriage. I'm being as proactive as circumstances allow right now.

I would contact her parents and tell them, but have you considered hiring a P.I.?

Okay - I think I finally found out who the OM is. Before I only had a first name and now I think I found a business card. I believe my WW has been living with the OM for the last 3.5 months. (long story why I can't say I know). She then tells me she thinks she really wants to work on the M and she's leaning that way, and she wants to come home in a few weeks, but is really getting LB's when I keep poking around whether the A continues. I think I've got phone and address on the OM, but still not 100% sure.

No, she is cake-eating and telling you what you want to hear so you'll back off and get off their trail. Do not buy it. Plan A and exposure. Does she use the computer to contact him? You can get SpectorPro (Spyware) to get some A proof. If necessary, spy and spy some more. Hire a PI. Your best chance of ending the A is exposure right now. Can you do a reverse-lookup of her phone number (when you thought she was living with OM? or from her cell records?)

You should call the OM's house and ask for "Mrs. XYZ." When you call, be sure and disguise your caller ID. See what happens. Keep snooping until you get the whole story.


This is a lie to get you to stop. She doesn't want you to interfere with her affair. But if you want to save your marriage, you had better a) find out the truth and b) expose the truth. Don't let her manipulate you into stopping.

Can you hire a P.I.?

rprynne, I would also tell her you need the address of the place where she has been living. Ask her how long this has been going on, etc. You are her H and have a right to know where she lives. And if she is sincere about working on your marriage, she should be happy to tell you the truth. Being open and honest is the first step back.

Can you find another address and ph# for the OM? I wonder if he is married too?

Post deleted by rprynne

Post deleted by rprynne

rprynne, if you know where they live, why not drive over for a visit? If you think you can be calm, I would knock on the door and say howdy, how are y'all? Ask them to explain to you what is going in your OWN life, since you don't seem to be in on the little secret. Ask the OM what his intentions are with your wife. AFTER you take pictures of her car there, of course.

I would also suggest calling her family, your family, any close friends and telling them she is shacking up with a boyfriend. Ask for their moral support and prayers.

Also, is this OM married? Who is he? Do they work together? If they work together, you could also expose them at work.


I would also start protecting your finances. Move any money to which she would have access and get her name off your credit cards.

ML - Thanks. She's about 900 miles away, so a drive is some what out of the question for now. I have considered a flight, but haven't decided yet, since she says she is only gonna be there a 2 more days.

However, for the first time in all this I'm starting to see through things. While this is a terrible situation it is some comfort to start seeing all these loose ends from the last several months start to come together. Gonna keep doing plan A.

Sorry it has come to this. I think your plan sounds good. There is really no need to fly out there. You already know that the affair is still going on.

I caught my WH and OW in bed, and it was just a waste of time. I already "knew".

Confronted WW about the data that I found. Now admits the A continues. Boy, what a fog I was in. WW has living with OM for the last 3 months and I had no idea. Assmuing I keep going with Plan A

rprynne, the portion of Plan A that you would benefit from most right now is EXPOSURE. Your first focus must be gathering all the facts so you can expose; at work, to the OM's family, her family, etc.

And while you are doing that, you must avoid lovebusters. That doesn't mean you avoid confronting her when its necessary. You just do it without lovebusters. See what I mean?

So, that is your first order of business. Worry about meeting her needs when the affair is busted up. First things first.

ML - Thanks for the advice. I'm basically doing what your saying.

The A has not been exposed to to everyone. Partly cause I don't have all the information. Partly cause (and I know this may sound funny) but I don't want to completely destroy her. I just want the A to end.

If the affair is still continuing, what is the progress? I would expose to everyone. Otherwise it may go on and on like my WH's affair, and you may decide you don't care anymore.

rprynne, the AFFAIR is destroying her and that is what you must kill. The AFFAIR is destroying your marriage and what can kill the affair faster than anything is EXPOSURE. An affair cannot survive for long in the light of day because affairs are fantasies. When exposed, the affairees are forced to see themselves through the eyes of other and they can see how sleazy and silly they look. It takes all the fun out of the affair and hastens it end.

So don't be afraid to expose. Your marriage can survive exposure, it won't survive the affair. If you are more worried about what people will think than saving your marriage, then you should just throw in the towel right now, because I would say it is probably hopeless.

In exposure, you will want to be selective about to whom you expose. There are people who have no reason to know, such as people who have no influence in her life. Just pick very key people, such as close family on both sides, close friends, and perhaps her boss if this is work related. so, be selective and I believe the most effective way to expose is via one fell swoop, all on the same day. That way it has maximum impact and does not give them time to recover from dribs and drabbles. It also leaves you with one mess to clean up rather than several.

Believer - I view progress as getting her to leave the OM's town and agree not to go back. Which she says she is going to do.

Anyway, WW says A really did end 3 mos. ago, but she told OM she still values their friendship. Says that since he is friend he let her stay at his place, but OM has been staying out another one of his houses. Says she has had only friendly contact with him and called him a couple times. She was also mad again about exposure. I told her with no LB's (as best I can tell), that friendly contact is the same thing as the A continuing and all I'm doing is fighting for our M. Hope one day she knows everything I'm doing is done out of love.

PS - got off my but and did some exercise. down 15 lbs in 1.5 weeks. Never thought anything would make me not want to eat.

Making yourself go out and do things is very good. At first I sat around and didn't want to do anything, but it is much better to get out and get busy.