This is a lie. You realise this, don't you, rprynne? She is trying to throw you off her path and is very much in the affair.

How do you know the OM is divorced?

Do you also realize that your marriage has got in this condition because she works so far away and you live apart? It is also unlikely that you can recover this marriage as long as you live apart.

ML - I explained to WW that any contact is a problem. I believe OM is divorced based on the timeline of events and public records. Yes, I know that living apart has got us in this mess. Right now, I'm following my mission END THE A.

My update and some questions. WW going to the IL's today. Won't commit to anything, but staying there for a few days. Says she's also shipping her car back to the house. I think this is good since it at least gets her out of the OM's place/state. ILs know about the A, but I don't know there true thoughts. I've already told them I want to fight for our M and would appreciate there support. Anything else?

Bumping this one. Any tips on interacting with IL's while my WW is staying there. I don't think she is gonna stay there long

My update. WW started talking to me about some things. It seems like she is opening up a little. Some of the things WW says

Feels our R is now friends and not H and W.
Still undecided about working on the M. Can't tell me why, but when asked says, not sure it will work, not sure she is fully committed to it.
Doesn't want to come home until she is sure she is committed to working on the M.
Doesn't doubt my sincerity.
Still loves me, wants to remain friends no matter what happens, but hasn't felt like H and W for a long time and doesn't think that will come back.
Says NC is still in place for 2 weeks.

I don't know what to make of all this. Cake eating, fence sitting, the fog, withdrawal. Anyway, I assume I stay the course with plan A?

WW made a visit this weekend. We talked about things, she did open up a little more. Still says NC is in place, but still not ready to work on the M.

Other FWS's, while I don't know for sure whether NC is really in place, my WW really does not seem intent on on maintaining the A. She says she is not choosing between me and the OM, but she is choosing between living the lifestyle of a single person or being married. Has any FWS's ended the A, but still took a long time to committ to the M, or is this just BS. If any have made this decision, what made you decide to commit to the M. What did your S do?

Kind of an update. I'm still on the roller coaster, which is hard. WW asked me to visit her in OM's town this weekend. We have talked more and she seems to be feeling more comfortable talking to me about things, which is a big step for her. She has agreed to many things recently, although, not yet agreed to commit to working on the M. She has agreed to live somewhere other than OM's city, she has agreed to write a NC letter this weekend, she has agreed to show me whatever proof I want to see to confirm NC, agreed to introduce me to all of the new people that she works with, agreed to ship her car back to our house. She even bought my ticket to fly down to see her. None of these things has actually happened yet, but I'm hopeful.

I guess I could use some encouragement/guidance on a couple things. First, everything I see right now always has some good and bad. I guess this is just my way, but how do I stop trying to find the negative in everything. For example, when she shows me her cell phone bills and I see no calls to OM, how do I except that as proof of NC. My mind always jumps to more questions like does she have a cell phone I do not know about. Don't you at some point have to stop assuming the worst? How do you do that?

The second is more problematic. During the day and early evening, we talk on the phone a fair amount and everything is fine. But at night, she will call and say she is running out to get some dinner. She agrees to call when she gets home for the evening and let me know she is okay. When she goes out for dinner, I'll ask "what time do you think you will call back". Whatever time she says it is always 1-2 hours later when she actually calls. Once she is "late" for her call, I get more and more anxious. Now she is in a different time zone for me, so late at my house is not as late as where she is. But when she is late calling, I will try to give her a call, but get no answer. When she finally does call, there is always a reason why she is late. Dinner order got screwed up, she lost track of time, etc, etc. Now this is not unusual for her and she had this "habit" long before the A started. But, during this time when I get anxious, I get very upset and have come very close to some major LB's and telling her forget it, I'm moving on. I bounce back and forth between thinking I'm paranoid and not everybody watches the clock like a hawk like I do. To some people an hour here or there is no big deal. I guess I'm somewhat OCD. I've talked to her about how it would reduce my stress if she would just drop a 5 sec call to say she is running late, but she is just not a clock watcher. My lack of flexibility is one of the things she doesn't like about me. She has made some changes, she always does call, and there are times when she does call "on-time". But, is this just something I have to learn to accept about her and let it go.

Sorry to ramble, just could really use some encouragement to keep hanging in there.

Alright - getting tired posting to myself. Anyone out there? Just a little hang in there would make my day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ok Rp...I am new and not as weathered as some others but I can understand your feelings of needing some support. Here is what I take from it.

I too get anxious and watch the clock...its normal and what you do when you don't get the reaction you deserve.
You need to meet her EN's as best possible and avoid LB's which is appears you are doing well. You also need to respectfully let her know that it hurts you when she doesn't call and that you could avoid that by a quick call to let you know she is running late as you suggested. Let her know that taking that time will go a long way to helping your marriage recover and would avoid any feelings of disrespect that you might feel.

If you see proof of NC on the cell bills take it as that but look in other places if you can as well. Verify, verify and verify.

She has agreed to NC...that is a big step. Wish I was there myself.

Keep up the good work and best of luck. Keep your head up...

Just my opinion.

R.

R - Thanks. It helps to get a little support every now and then.

rprynne,

Might you be appearing too needy and clingy and dare I say smothering to her? Do you have any other hobbys besides sitting by the phone waiting for her to call?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

All in jest, my man!! Sometimes the BS gets to the point where we say "Ya know, sweatheart, I would really like for you to move back and make a go of it, but I don't NEED you to do it.

k

I haven't read your entire thread. Only this page. But if she is moving back to you, confirming NC may be irrelevant. Once she's back you can begin snooping carefully again but until then don't screw it up. You can't work on your marriage until your together. IMO she just came out of a fun Affair relationship and she fears being bogged down in recovering with you (i.e.- working on your marriage). My suggestion go out with her, have some nice dinner, drinks whatever you did when you were dating. You work on building your friendship, plan A and try to fill her love bank.

She's likely still holding on to her justifications and still fogged out. Patience grasshopper for this too shall pass. Play it cool for now and get her home.

Another reason I'd tend to believe her is why would she agree to come back home if she planned on continuing the affair?. As brutal as WS's can be this just seems over the top. What does she have to gain by victimizing you again?
It sounds like she's trying just not ready to "work". Again, give her some time and a safe environment within which to come to terms with her actions and trust that it's all going to be o.k..

Krusht - your question is valid. For 90% of the time, I do have other hobbies and don't wait for her to call. But a night, its different, and I really don't get why. She will call at say 8:00, say I'm going out to dinner, I'll be back in an hour and I'll call you when I get in. I will say, are you sure it will be an hour, etc. She'll say absolutely. I'll go off do my thing, etc. but then she still never calls until about 2 or 3 hours late. I'd rather her just say I'm going out and I'll call you in 3 hours or so. It is really weird and driving me crazy at times. Is it a control thing? Is it that she intends to call, but can't break away from the "good time" she is having? I come off sounding like I just sit by the phone waiting, but its not that. Its just when she is late calling, I genuinely get concerned. Not about an A, but about her safety. Maybe I should try some POJA about the evening check in.

ACT - She hasn't committed to coming home, just shipping her car back and she has agreed to not live in OM's city. All things, if they in fact happen, I view as progress. But yes, absoultely, I agree that there are some things she is doing that suggests she does not plan on continuing the A, and she is fogged out a bit. I am playing it cool, and plan on having a great time with her when I see her.

Thanks for your thoughts, it does really help to hear some others perspective.

Had a very good weekend with WW/FWW. She still says NC is in place and wrote a NC letter for me to send. She did tell me (without me asking) OM called her office and left a message (before NC letter sent). She agreed to not call him back. WW/FWW says she is struggling with some days feeling like she wants to come home and work on the M. Other days she says she wants to throw in the towel. I think this is withdrawal and I am trying to be supportive.

The funny part of the weekend was my Chris Farley incident. I had tried all weekend to be a good H. Meet her EN's, no LB's. On the last night there she asked if I wanted to take a shower together. I said okay. Anyway, I slipped in the shower, completely fell on to the floor, ripped out the shower curtain, broke a toe, banged my elbow, and hit my head on the sink. Damn near killed myself. Only thing I could think of to say to her was "well you were just inches away from having the whole working on the M problem solved" So much for playing it cool Act <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

The only monkey wrench is that her new job is not based in our home town. She had told that her work in the OM's town was temporary and that they would be opening on office in our town. This is not the case. Don't know how to work on this one, but it is going to make her decision harder. I told her that it was her decision, and she already knew what I wanted to do.

Gonna keep on plugging along

LOL.

Well you probably got more bang for your buck by appealling to her nurturing instincts than getting/giving SF. You could have died and the fear of losing you might have registered more clarity for her than any SF could have. Maybe the best Plan A ever devised. Pretty soon everyone will be recommending a Plan A including the "rprynee shower dive". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Keep working her and filling her love bank. Any chance your job could move to her new hometown? You could at least appear willing to try by putting a resume out there. Who knows what opportunities are out there unless you try. It would demonstrate your love and willingness to do anything to be together. Later, if it is a bad economic decision for the two of you, she can quite and get a job in your hometown. But, at least, you appeared willing yourself to make that sacrifice.

Act

Well, I wouldn't recomend the "shower dive" to anyone. It hurt. Plus I wanted us to have a good time that night. We still went out, but boy was I in pain. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, I have several options for moving out to her location and told her I'm willing to do so. She is going to take some time to sort out her job plans, and I'm willing to give her that.

Okay, exposure done, NC letter sent, WW says she is maintaining NC, has shown me cell phone bills, (recent bills show NC, older bills before D-Day show very few calls to OM of 2 minutes or less), moved out of OM's house, which I verified and generally has been very open and honest.

WW says she found out that new job will not be located in our hometown, but in OM's city. Company she works for changed plans about opening a new office. I tend to think this was the case all along, but WW having a hard time admitting she took a job in a different town without telling me. Anyway, she says she stayed at OM's place when she first left town because he offered to rent it to her for cheap. Said she will send me bank statements to show she paid rent. The phone call patterns suggest this is true, as she only called for landlord/renter types of converstations. Anyway, if she did take a job in other town (and has no vacation days yet) this somewhat explains her desire to keep getting back to OM's town has more to do with work than an addictive A. Guess I can't know for sure, but the job offer was legit and its too much money to have been manipulated to further an affair.

I have been in Plan A, no LB's as best I can, trying to meet her EN's. WW has promised to resolve her job situation by the end of the month and invited me to come on a week long trip with her family in Oct. She also says her car should be shipped back next week.

I plan on staying the course and keep things going. I have a couple of questions for the experts. 1) does this sould like progress? 2) More importantly, I am really struggling when I talk with her. I find it very difficult to not challenge anything she tells me that sounds the least bit fishy. I know part of this is my new found heightened sense of "paranoia", but I also know that real life does have some odd occurences. An example would be, she'll tell me she is going out to dinner and will call me at a certain time. If she's late, I will call her. I'll get no answer, but then she'll call me back 5 minutes later. Now this could mean she didn't hear the phone, it could mean she just doesn't want to talk right then, or it could be something fishy. When I ask about it, this always comes accross as a LB and further reinforces her thoughts that I will never be able to trust her again. Do I just try to avoid reading too much into everything? Any help is appreciated.

Bump

rprynne, I don't see any indication here that the affair has ended. As long as she is in ANY contact AT ALL with the OM, you can consider the affair as ongoing.

What has caused this huge rift in your marriage that led to this affair was living apart, rprynne. I don't see how that is being resolved. I would explore that issue with her and explain to her that your marriage cannot work if you live apart. And she should never be in the OM's apartment at all. Paying rent is not convincing to me.

Rprynne,

""1) does this sould like progress?""

This does not sound at all like progress. This sounds like your WW is feeding you all you want to hear and is keeping on keepinon with the OM/Landlord (give me a break!) She could have written him the checks and then he pay her back w/cash.

She lied to you about the office moving from the OM's town. She always knew that wasn't going to happen. She is just throwing up little positive distractions to you that turn out to be false, to throw you off the trail.

I meant it when I said "DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH"

2.""When I ask about it, this always comes accross as a LB and further reinforces her thoughts that I will never be able to trust her again.""

Isn't this the chick who was LIVING with the OM for 3 1/2 months!!???!!??, not so long ago..or still is living albeit PAYING RENT with OM? HAH

When they whine about not being trusted and they jump to that same line quick as a bunny, then THEY ARE LYING!! What has come out of you W's mouth lately that makes you trust her? NADA!!

So, you say, in a non-LBing way, well sweetheart, I am trying to trust you and hope to someday trust you, but at present you are not making it at all easy for me to trust you. (or some reverse fog babble like that)

EDITED TO READ: I had to go get this from another post in thread:

""Still loves me, wants to remain friends no matter what happens, but hasn't felt like H and W for a long time and doesn't think that will come back.""

Hasn't felt like H and W because OM and her were PLAYING HOUSE!!

k