Today WW has called three firms that specialize in divorce law! Tonight's talk should be interesting.

weneedhelp, your marriage is headed for divorce if you DON'T bust up this affair by exposing it. Exposure is not a threat to your marriage, it is a threat to the affair, and it is the AFFAIR that threatens the marriage, not exposure. MOST WS's threaten to "divorce" or whatever if the affair is exposed, but that is just empty talk to scare you off from ruining their affair.

What crack addict doesn't make grand empty threats when you threaten to take away their crack pipe? It is the exact same premise with an affair. But a sane person would not consider letting them KEEP the crack pipe over their idle threats, would they?

I have never heard of involving the WS in exposure and I have never heard WAT ever recommend such a thing in all the years I have been here. It is best to never forewarn the WS; just call up the OMW and get it over with.

Your WS is no different from any of the others we see on here every day. They are almost always stubborn and hard headed.

You still don't understand what is happening here. You are risking your marriage by helping them hide their affair NOW. Helping them hide the affair is to ENABLE the affair. Enabling the affair is a risk to your marriage. Your W is still in the affair and is considering divorcing you NOW. Do you not see this?

Do you not see that what you are doing is not working?

The risk to your marriage is NOT EXPOSURE [which is the solution] but the AFFAIR. You are losing your marriage as we speak because you won't do this.

Sorry this is disjointed; no sleep, I'm still scrambled. Probably I'm doing this all wrong, but if you can find any way to offer help and support I could really use some now.

Today WW just agreed to send a NC letter. Boy is she mad. First she wanted us to do a joint call to OM rather than a letter, I said 'MB recommends a letter'. I asked her why she prefers a joint call, she got mad and wouldn't answer. Any guess as to why she'd prefer a joint call? It's probably obvious and I'm too dumb to see why she prefers that. I've never spoken with OM yet.

In the past, WW has told OM verbally that she wants NC. Or so she says. But she's always refused to send him a written NC letter. Which tells me she doesn't want NC at all. She's just willing to do it now because her hand is forced. Can a NC letter work if her heart really isn't in it?

Also the deceptions continue; just yesterday she had contact and didn't tell me about it. I confronted her, she denied. I told her I love her and want to stay married, but if the contacts and lies continue let's get a D. One way or the other. I think that's what made her decide to agree to sending the NC letter, with great reluctance. She doesn't want a D, (even though she threatened me with D if I ever expose the A!)

WW agreed to write the NC letter with me, using MB templates. But she's not contrite or repentent, and her heart's not in it - so it may not mean much. She could easily call OM and tell him to just ignore it when he receives it.

She's at work now; we'll do it tonight after she gets home. Her thought is to send it to his work email address - which probably means he wouldn't get it until Tuesday at the earliest.

Still haven't exposed, but I think I need to. Nothing else has worked, and the NC letter may not work either. Should I expose now, today, before the NC letter goes out, or later?

WW is extremely upset - she feels controlled & manipulated. I am controlling and manipulating her, in defense of the marriage. She doesn't care or understand that it's for a good cause, she only sees the manipulation.

Anyway the M wasn't going to last without NC, so what did I have to lose by pressing for the letter. Also what do I have to lose by exposing to OMW.

I'm such a coward, and I hate to hurt WW by exposing. Could really use some moral support today. Thanks.

weneedhelp, the NC letter is worthless if she is not sincere. And she is not sincere. She won't stop contact until she is forced to do so and probably abou the only thing that will force her to stop is exposing the affair.


No, you will not be hurting your WW, you will be HELPING your WW by smashing the affair. Exposure hurts the AFFAIR, not your W. It is the affair that is hurting your W.

Please just pick up the phone and call the OMW, weneedhelp, you will feel so much better afterwards. Your W will be furious and will make all sorts of idle threats, but just remember this: the greatest threat to your marriage is the AFFAIR, not exposure. Your marriage is much more likely to end from an affair than from exposure.

Exposure is much like taking the crack pipe away from a crack addict. If you view it like that, you will understand what is happening here. While taking away the crack pipe enrages the addict, it is the best thing for him and the best thing for your marriage because your marriage will not survive if your W continues to engage her crack habit. Does that make sense?

weneedhelp, you need to go read BobPure's threads. He was so scared at exposing his W's affair that he was puking in the bushes. But, he is blissfully married today BECAUSE he exposed the affair. His exposure to the OMW KILLED the affair. He said that after he got up the courage to expose he changed from a serf into a KNIGHT. He suddenly took back control of his life when he did that. Exposure is what changed things around dramatically in his marriage.

Yes, it is hard, wnh, and there are no guarantees, but it is simply the MOST EFFECTIVE tool you have in your arsenal for killing this affair. And killing this affair is what its' going to take to save your marriage.

Thx Melody. I think today's the day.

I feel like it's the Cuban missile crisis, but instead of being smart and backing down, WW and I are tipping over the brink into nuclear war. If I do this she'll see it as a declaration of war. But I've tried every other way..

wnh, actually she declared war on you a long time ago, you just have never fought back. You have allowed the affair to prevail thus far. Maybe its time to kill the affair and save your marriage?

I found one of BobPure's old threads about how terrified he was when he exposed his W's affair. Today he is blissfully happy as his exposure KILLED the affair and saved his marriage. Please note that his W made all the same threats that yours is making - that is very common. But they never do follow through on threats. Like you, he was terrified.

WNH
I BET I was more scared than you back then. And my excuse for not exposing was even more pathetic than your "I don't want to hurt my WW" mess.

MY excuse was " Making the affair public might make Squid an d OM want to let the world know how in love they were and she'd leave me".

Shows what I knew about affairs back then huh?

Have you studied much WNH ? Study is EVER so useful I found. I discovered for example that the overwhelming majority of affairs are fantasies and despit etemporary delusion caused by infatuation and excitement infidels don't REALLY mean to do anything but lie to each other and have urgent sex.
I learned that cake eating is the dream state of most WS, i.e. sharing lies and body fluids with OP and getting the bills paid and shared history with good ol' boring BS.

And I learned that doing what is RIGHT in a crisis makes you feel smiled upon by Almighty GOD.

As I stood in Tesco's car park puking in a bush after I exposed to OMs GF last year I SWEAR I could FEEL God folding his Mighty arms, smiling and nodding at me. " attaboy! THAT is why I gave Men sand".

I DID NOT accept the fearful mediocrity of a life that allowing Squid's affair to continue unchecked would grant. Even if it catalysed a split between us, I realised that I actualy deserved MORE than the crumbs left over when OM finished with her. I was a decent God fearing man, who loved my wife and I wasn't going to take it lying down !

Squid and OM were angrier'n a hornet under a beer glass for WEEKS but on that day I felt an itch on my right palm and the whip passed to my hand....

I have done many things in my life of which I am proud WNH. Before Squid's affair. But when I consider now I am proudest of the day I took a stand against the unholy injustice of infidelity and decided to fight though I had no certainty of winning.

Exposure forced the infidels to examine the bindings of their affair in the bright light of practical reality. And it usually scares them.

Exposing in my case made Squid REALLY nasty. Made OM VERY VERY scared. Made his lovely GF tell him to "take half the house and assets a f'k off or stay and work". He chose the latter.

Exposing basically gave me a 24 X 7 anti-affair spy in OMs life who coordinated NC with me when there was still a chance of meeting.

Some questions:
If you expose and your WW leaves you is the exposure that caused her departure or her affair ?

Do you feel empowered cowering on your hands while WW plans to share more body fluids and lies with OM ?

Why shouldnt OM dodge some crockery in his own house for a while ?

If OMW knew about the affair wouldn;t you want her to tell you ?

Exposing is empowering and effective. Done properly I see now

What would you do if you weren't afraid ?

WNH, I know this is hard , but I can't think of anyone who his in recovery or has recovered who did not expose.

Its a hard decision but or me theres only one choice. Expose. Become a Knight, not a serf.

All blessings.

Thanks, Bob, for popping in; it still gives me chills reading your story. You are awesome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Melody and bOb. Needed to hear that. I plan to read bOb's threads.

OM's wife is, I believe, a SAHM. OM is at home today; no chance of getting her ear without his presence. Then comes Labor Day weekend, I'd guess they'll be in the Hamptons or some similar place. Could run to Tuesday before an opportunity presents.

As a gesture of noncontrolling her, I offered to WW to let her off the hook on the NC Letter - since it wouldn't have any impact, as she wouldn't mean it anyway. Told her I want HER to WANT to send the NC letter, not do do it because I want her to do it. Big difference.

As usual she got belligerent, repeated that she already HAD ended contact verbally (which obviously isn't working) and why do I have to coerce and control her all the time. Also as usual she digressed on my sins during the 13 year M.

She's so upset I couldn't really understand where we left the NC topic when we ended the conversation.

Told her that if the A continues I can't be bound by my promise not to expose. Would you believe she took that calmly and philosophically? Nah just kidding. Big explosion. At least I've played fair re the duration of that promise and its conditionality.

bOb please be aware that bodily fluids may or may not be involved. WW says it's always been EA. I really don't know. Anyway it's the dishonesty and disrespect from sneaking around and treating me like dirt that really gets to me. Could I live with it if they continued EA or PA and played it open and honest keeping me informed? No. I don't think our M is strong enough to survive me being WW's #2. So to contract 2 sentences back - not thinking clearly these days - it's both the dishonesy/disrespect and the demotion that's causing me to need all contact to end. Affair or not, even if just friends I can't be #2 to her 'friend' any longer.

I have a vision of how great our M could be, if only. I'm just not sure there's a path to that magical place given WW's hatred for me, belligerence, her conviction that I'm coercive and controlling and will never change, her rationalization that my past behavior justifies her A, etc.

What a mess!

WNH, oh thats all right then if she says shes not in a PA its most likely true then, what with all the good sense and honesty coming out of her pie hole recently.

Maybe just woryying and doing f'k all will change your life for the better huh ?

As Dr. Phil says " How's THAT workin'; out for ya ?"

EXPOSE !

wnh, why not try calling her today? That way they will have several days off to deal with it. Its perfectly ok if the OM is there. You can still give her the facts and give her your name and phone # so she can call you back. I would be sure and dial *67 so that in case the OM answers he can't see your caller ID. If he does answer, just ask for Mrs. XYZ.

And please stop forewarning your W that you don't intend to keep your wrongheaded promise to not expose her. Forewarned is forearmed and only greatly diminishes the only weapon you have.

Please just expose this, wnh, and get it done so you can move forward.

bOb yr cracking me up. Mel if OM answers and I ask for OMW he will almost surely ask why I want to talk with her.

What is *67, how does that work? Sounds great, whatever it is..

WW didn't wait. Here is the NC email she sent. I don't know how I can verify that OM received it. WW used an email alias when she sent it; the alias might or might not point to his real email address.

------------------

(OM): (BH) has figured it out and knows who you are and even that you texted me yesterday at 1:54 according to him. I honestly have no idea how he knows. He has told me that he will do nothing with this information if I sincerely request that you end all contact with me. That means no e-mails, telephone calls, text messages, letters, etc.

I have to do what is best for my children and my marriage at this point. I know that you will understand and respect my wishes.
- (WW)

-----------------

I agree that it's not worth much unless she truly means it. That's very much in doubt right now; she doesn't seem at all repentent, just belligerent. Any thoughts?

weneedhelp,

What if he DOESN'T answer? Then you talk to her. Golden opportunity to expose, with a long weekend for the OM to receive a huge amount of pressure from his wife, giving him little time to think of your wife. Every day you pass on the exposure is a day you make no progress, and live with an alien.

Slash, on the other thread, is still sitting on the fence regarding exposure, as you read. Do this for you, and do it as an inspiration for Slash. You might has well spend labor day weekend in recovery, rather than wondering when exactly this A will end.

Now what??

Best wishes,
SD

I take it back. I did find a way. The email address is his home email. I can't believe WW would send it to his home. Maybe he has a private secure email account.

Still not worth a dime unless she means it. Any thoughts on the NC email?

OK WNH...I appear to be the one with the mighty 2x4..

EXPOSE this TODAY! Your W can write it in the sky..it's one sided pressure...from you and I hate to tell you you don't have a strong front!! You're dying inside..making promises you should not (no exposure if...the cows come home)....

I'm telling you that you will have to expose so get it done...NOW! That way he and his W can have a great weekend while you have finally made the first step in repairing your M....otherwise your sinister ride continues....fear of exposure has made your W silly mad...if there is any more contact..for what ever reason....there is little doubt what needs to be done..there is not a soul on here with experience that doesn't agree...

wnh, does the OM know your voice? If not just call and ask for the OMW. If he asks who is calling, give him an alias. Dialing *67 will disguise your caller ID.

Your wife's "no contact" letter is really a "watch out how you contact me because my H is onto you" and is not sincere in any way. It is a WARNING letter to the OM and nothing more. She is just worried that you will expose her affair, which she knows will ruin it.

Expose, wnh. Launch the nuke that ruins the affair. Today is a great day because it is a long weekend.