wnh, did you read my last post?


This is probably a lie he told his wife to cover his butt. You should be sure and tell your W that the OM has said this. He has portrayed your W as some lovesick whacko from Fatal Attraction. Remember, this is all based on the word of a liar who is trying to cover himself.


I will tell you why. She told you this as a threat to prevent you from exposing her and ruining her affair. THEY ALL SAY THIS. It is nothing more than fogtalk.


Wow, and we all thought it was an AFFAIR that was risking the marriage, lol


Yes, and I have a bridge to sell you..... Good grief. Now, you must know this was a physical affair, wnh? I would insist that she go for STD testing and make sure that your WW knows that both you and the OWH KNOW they slept together. Don't ASK her if they did, tell her you KNOW she did and ask for her explanation.



Tell her she can do what she wishes, but you will not discuss divorce, you will only discuss ways to restore your badly damaged marriage. Don't try and reason with someone who is using no reason. This is all fogtalk, wnh, stop taking her threats seriously.

Where is your wife today, wnh?

Turns out OM was there. I'm pretty impressed WW had the brass to stick by such a whopper! Touching but no sex according to OM (via OMW).

All this means is Mr. Lawyer and your W had exchanged information regarding what story they'd tell if anyone asked!

Did you share the negligee part of the story with OM's wife.... that's information I think she should know. There is more here that is meeting your eye......do you really think this guy your wife was throwing himself at, who has a reputation as a player, all of a sudden grew a conscious just in time to "save" your wife?

Sorry to be so blunt, but the likelihood is the A was physical, and has probably been going on much longer than what you think.

All of that doesn't matter so much as what you are going to do next, to ensure NC stays in place, and begin the tough work to get your W to re-engage in the marriage...

Best wishes,
SD

Well if they were together and didn't have sex, one of them ought t/b checked out. LOL!!! Stupid WS' on both sides. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Hope you let OM's W know the OM isn't frigid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> If he c/b that resistant you gotta wonder how many other EAs he is having w/o PA? Yea right. Maybe they don't have sex either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Ok, given the above or even a part of it, the WS in your life is a dead give away of an A no matter what color lie she tells. Even if it is only in her head (which is highly unlikely), it is bad. Bad enough for her to rewrite history.

Now you gotta get a plan, identify your boundaries, implement them, secure your finances and learn to reverse babble. No reason for you to take this crap spewing out of her mouth.

She needs to wallow in her mucky A mire. OM must also. You and OM's W have blown their cover and they will be mad. Irriational behavior w/b a daily occurence and you must be prepared for it. Ok?

Call Jennifer C on Tuesday to setup some phone counseling appt.

L.

we need..just got back from weekend trip...good for you my friend....however,

I am troubled by your willingness to accept abnormal behavior...as normal...

You need to look at things objectively...all evidence indicates that your wife had SF with this other man......if she lied about everything else why would she be believable about something like that....? You need to tell her "I know"...

Ok thanks all I like that idea. I'll pretend I know they had sex. If I'm wrong it won't cost me anything.

Had a beautiful day today with the boys. Canoeing, fishing, bike-riding and generally goofing. WW was riding bike and studying for a professional exam, alone all day I think, I hope, but no I don't know for sure. Plan A called for me giving her a break today, since she took the kids a couple of days ago.

Exposed to two of WW's oldest friends today. They already knew some of the story. One at least is whole-heartedly against D because of its effect on children. I'm sure she'll talk with WW and ask her to consider very closely whether she needs to go ahead with the D now. But WW is extremely - did I say extremely? - bullheaded. Head like cement. May not be dissuadable, if that's even a word.

In other news, WW asked me not to contact any more of her family members. Speaking of other news, the world and national events these days make my troubles seem very small. We will get through this, D or not, and get on with our unimportant lives.


Spoke with OMW again today. Like OM, OMW is also an attorney (nonpracticing) and said there is no legitimate harassment suit. OM couldn't file a harassment suit against me since I haven't contacted him ever. If there were such a suit, the plaintiff would have to be OMW, and she told me she would not do that. Also that I'm welcome to call her anytime.

I hope she has as good a read on OM and the A as she thinks she does. Anyway she's sure that OM will not contact or receive contact from WW again, and that he had been trying to stop contact for some time, but didn't want to be rude to WW. The story via OMW has enough of those little "AHA's" and connections that I think it's straight. I really do think OM was a whole-hearted participant for the 1st half, then a reluctant target thereafter. I will of course be alert and open to the uglier possibility.

If I'm wrong you can sue me, what the heck I need a replacement for that harassment lawsuit anyway...


FWIW OMW believes OM's story, which matches WW's story. (I know I know, the two possibly co-ordinated). Per OMW, when WW and OM met at a business conference in mid-May in another city, it was the first time they'd seen each other in 13 years. Way back those many years ago, WW's firm had been a client of OM's firm. Anyway it seems that upon their meeting at this convention and having a few drinks WW admitted "I always had a crush on you back then" and things proceeded from there.

I believe that. I do not think the A predates that conference in mid-May. Also, as I said somewhere above in this long sordid tale, immediately after that convention WW was all agog about re-meeting her old friend. Which again tells me that the mid-May convention was the start. I'll drop that topic now, with the note that I'm about 98% sure the genesis was mid-May at that danged conference.


Sorry to be redundant, but maybe some more eyes will see the following repost:

I would like to think of some sort of face-saving gesture I can give her to make it easier for her to back off of her D threat. Any ideas?

Assume for a moment the infatuation-by-WW story is true. Any thoughts about the infatuation topic? Any experience on the boards with that type of A and any special additional handling required in cases of infatuation?

Any ideas how to get her to just chill for a couple of months, so she can make the D decision in a more rational frame of mind?

Thanks as ever, you're keeping me sane!

An observation. Early in this thread, on 1st page I think, I said WW and OM had broken it off and WW was extremely upset but then the next day she snapped out of it; and how could WW come out of such a deep funk so fast?

Several posters - Susan was 1st I think - said 'WW probably had contact.' Susan et al you were right!! I'm now informed by OMW that the next day after that failed NC day was OM's birthday, and WW went to his office to deliver a bottle of wine. Again according to OMW, OM had broken it off and meant it - but WW was so persistent about his birthday gift that he finally agreed to let WW drop off the present the day after NC. So that NC was doomed from day 1.

Anyway you all are so truly excellent at what you do that it scares me. I still have to go with my gut, but OTOH I will absolutely certainly be open to the other possibilities and likelihoods you suggest. For Sure.

Well, I for one don't believe OM's story to his wife. He is trying to protect himself and his marriage.

But it will be easy to know the truth. If your wife was the one chasing, he will cut off contact with her immediately to save his neck. All you have to do is sit back and watch.

And it will be quite easy to catch them now, since the OM's wife knows what is going on.

Thx believer.

It bothers me that WW seems a bit smug tonight. Her moods are often very indicative, and I think her smugness likely signifies that something is up. Don't know what though.

Could be that WW knows OM has pulled the wool over the eyes of OMW (and me by extension). Or could be that WW knows she's meeting with D attorney tomorrow. Or that she just met with OM while I was out today. Or etc.

believer, I suppose that if WW starts to get even more cranked off in the next few days it could mean that OM really HAS cut off contact. I hope to see that. OTOH if she remains smug I will be worried...

OMW said she won't monitor OM. Even so, she will probably be a bit more alert, but I don't think OMW will know whether anything continues or not, she seems happy to live in ignorance for gosh sakes.

Could be time to work on expanding the intelligence network, as WW and OM already know of my key source of info so far and have no doubt made adjustments intended to circumvent.

wnh...

You are catching on! Many 'aha' moment coming in rapid sucession. Keep reading, keep learning, keep vigilant, keep Plan A'ing, and keep thinking positively. You are on the right track. A year from now you'll be regurgitating all you've learned here to the "newbies" showing up then! LOL!

Seriously... you are on track to success. Keep up the good work.

Best wishes,
SD

I guess this thread sometimes has the flavor of a journal. The dialogue with you all is dynamite - unbelievably helpul. Thanks a million for that. Also sometimes it helps just to write things down.

Giving WW lots of space to cool off. We saw each other only a couple of times yday. Pleasant but cool, no A talk. Hopefully her fam and friends will also help her to cool down.

Tonight we'll have to go different directions due to two conflicting kids' activities, so we probably won't spend time together tonight either. Seems to me that could be good - but what do you think? Is that bad?

I'd misunderstood her comment about 2 weeks to find a job. She'd said a FEW weeks, I just misheard it. Still she wouldn't elaborate on why she said that.

Just sent WW an email re family routine, also casually asking her to consider not taking any action until after we meet with MC Thurs night. She responded she's not planning to take any action until after that. Not sure what it means, but it's certainly better than "you'll be served today." But not quite as good as strawberry ice cream.

That gives me a 2+ day open time, which I could certainly use to cool down and rest a bit. Up to now I had been thinking to interview D attorneys immediately, but given the 2+ days, maybe instead I'll use the time to do a couple of things that should please her - like start job search in earnest - and do a couple of simple little things to show her I love and value her.

- like start job search in earnest -

That is probably the best and most immediate EN you could meet for your W. Go for it!

SD

wnh-

I agree....it's bound to be a whopping drain on her love bank that you aren't working......remedy that A.S.A.P.

Also, I know you said you were going to pretend that she did have a PA......WNH.....trust us, THEY ARE HAVING A P.A.(Notice this is NOT past tense, this affair isn't dead yet......it's DYING, but it's not dead, not for either one of them.)

Operate under that assumption.....he was calling her also, that's not *just trying not to be rude*. OMW is dillusional to think otherwise, and time will prove her wrong.

Someone brought up a good point, did you tell her that the OM told his wife that she was persuing him, and that he was not interested, but he was trying not to be rude????? TELL HER THAT!!! for sure!!!

-Caren

Got it Caren and Shattered. Thx.

In case it helps someone else:

* I should have woken up more quickly to the situation and focused more quickly on looking for help. Might have found MB a couple of weeks earlier; might have saved some time and pain.

* I should have delved deeply into MB threads sooner. Eventually I found ideas which led to a really good information source for me.

* I should have - and could have - discovered OM's identity earlier, rather than waiting for WW to come around and tell me everything. There was a small window of opportunity 6 weeks ago where I think I had a moderate chance of killing the A, had I been prepared and taken action at that time.

* I shouldn't have tried to get WW to give me OM's identity when I could have dug it up myself earlier. When WW gave me OM's identity it was a LB for her.

* Even after I found out OM's identity I delayed exposing in hopes WW would come around. I should have exposed earlier.

* I shouldn't have gotten WW to write a NC letter before exposure and her (hoped-for but not yet here) remorse. She did write the letter, but it was a LB for her, also it wasn't sincere and so almost useless, also it wasted time.


If I had done things differently would it have made a difference? Who can say.. but even if the outcome is the same, at least things would have progressed more quickly.

Thanks to all.

WW has started making copies of docs for the attorneys. She intends to file. I asked her if we couldn't take a pause to get out heads straightened out a bit, she said 'you should have thought of that before you contacted OMW'. We'll see MC tomorrow, I hope he or WW's friends can get her to pause!

Do I need to interview attorneys? What else? How long does it take to file?

My situation didn't get that far. You might want to make an initial contact with an attorney, so if you have to proceed, you'll have one lined up.

Plan A your a$$ off right now, and invite her to be a part of your life, in other words, take her lunch at work, invite her to dinner, invite her to do some things together, and work on normalizing "life together" with her.

Take baby steps, and don't do anything grand, like plan a cruise... LOL. Little things, that are actions that show your committment to her and your marriage. Ignore her harsh talk about a D to her face, and prepare yourself mentally and by the preliminary contact with a lawyer, but most likely she'll be thinking a bit of the "big" picture, and what a D will mean, and she'll be reluctant to pursue it with much enthusiasm. She's floundering, and looking for an easy way out.

Hang in there!
SD

Thanks Shattered. Anyone else there with experience in this area? Could use some help today.

She is challenging you. Take the high road and don't beg her for another chance. That is what she s/b doing to you.

She wants to get a D, let her do all the work. Remember you are dealing with a WS NOT your W.

Go get a good lawyer yourself, secure your finances and get protected for the onslaught of a D. What your did by contacting OM's W was for the protection of both families. If the WS can't understand that, then you'd better get more protection. The WS is now capable of a lot of babble and threats....take her seriously. Don't share info and don't beg for a reconciliation.

L.

Rats. That's what I was thinking, you just confirmed it.

In your experience Orchid what % of such D threats are actually followed through on?