Mel: Yes. That was a response to your post.

I understand the rollercoaster idea. I just want her to delay filing until she's into withdrawal a bit, and hopefully thinking somewhat more clearly.

How can I get her to just wait? What's the magic phrase?

I've considered showing her statistics on the effects of D on children. If not that, please suggest something better?

I'm not begging, pleading, crying. Complete silence is a good description. But that WILL NOT SLOW HER DOWN. My immediate need, if anyone can help, is a way to just slow her down for a couple of weeks. Any ideas/suggestions?

wnh, I would do exactly as I suggested in my posts. It remains to be seen if she will hire an attorney and file on you because you called the OWH. If she really DOES, then you can deal with it. But until then, it does no good to try and reason with someone who is using no reason.

Don't even bring it up or let her see that you are so scared of this because that will only back her into a corner where she feels obliged to back up her threat.

There is no magic!

But, realize that filing for a D isn't the end of the world either. If you do feel that she'll be in withdrawl in a few weeks anyway, then it doesn't matter if she files or not. She'll still be in withdrawl, and as long as you're still doing plan A type stuff at that point, it can still work out. It may cost you more money in the long run, but there have been plenty of marriages saved even after the WS has filed.

Don't panic over it completely...just stick to the plan and do what you have to do.

Owl can you tell me about that please? In MB's extensive experience, how often does a WW who files (and is not running to OM - a key distinction) decide to drop the suit?

If she's not likely to drop it, then I'd like to be the first to file. The reason: At this point I'm not sure I want to be married to her anymore. If I file then I can make the decision as to whether or not to drop the suit. D usually takes 6 months or more in our state. So I would have 6 months to make up my mind.

OTOH if she were to file, only she can decide whether to drop the suit. So she can nuke my head another six months, and then decide to drop it. Not acceptable. 3 months of head-nuking has been plenty; another 6 months not appealing.

Just found out that if she files first I can counterfile. That way I can keep the suit alive, and in effect WW can't drop the suit. And of course a countersuit wouldn't exactly be the Plan A unconditional love I'm supposed to show. The weather's looking pretty stormy ahead. It feels like we're tipping over the brink here..

wnh, I guess the thing that I am not conveying very well, and Owl touched upon, is that WS do alot of irrational things when they are under the influence of an affair and the affair is threatened. I would liken her to a crack addict. And what you did by exposing her to the OMW was to turn on the light in the crack house and make it impossible for her to get her fix.

So, of course she is going to be furious and lash out at you for taking her crack away. She is expected to do irrational, vengeful things to the person who took away her fix. She is expected to be irrational while she is not in her right mind.

But, we know that her mind will come back as she withdraws from the crack. She will become rational and less bitter as the effects of her fix wear off. So, that is why we are not worried about her filing for divorce - or threats to do so, because we know it means very little in the whole scheme of things, it is just part of her temper tantrum. We see it here every day. It always blows over.

She is considering divorce for a completely irrational reason, because you busted her to her victim in the affair. It is likely she will see how ridiculous that is and come to her senses. But, if not, it is still not the end of the world.

We, instead, worry about REAL PROBLEMS, such as continued contact with the OM. Now, that is a REAL PROBLEM that will truly threaten your marriage. And that is what I would focus on if I were you, making sure that contact has truly ended and doing everything in your power to faciliate an end to the affair. So far, you have exposed to the OMW, which is good, but if she continues, I would quickly widen that circle and make it harder and harder for them to keep this up.

I think you'd need to talk with more of the "pro's" around here on the first question, friend. I am pretty sure that Mortarman went through some similar, and I know that there are others, but I'm lousy at keeping straight who's situation was what. But there are at least a couple of active members here on the board who got into the start of the D process and then reconciled.

Only you can decide if you want to remain married or not. Right now, you're still in the rollercoaster ride from heck...one moment you love her with all of your heart, and the next you're ready to throw in the towel. I know...been there and done that too my friend. Bear this in mind: that your own feelings about things are changing just as much as hers are. Right now, NEITHER of you is capable of a RATIONAL decision. It WOULD be best if you both could simply settle down for a few weeks, with NC in place with OM. THAT is what allowed my wife and I to begin healing...and even though the NC wasn't perfect, it was readily apparent to her that her R with OM wasn't what it had been pre d-day.

I'm NOT suggesting that you get complacent...just suggesting that you try to keep your cool, Plan A for a while and keep working to make sure that NC sticks. It's the best possible chance your marriage has. And if the two of you can't reconcile after that, then do what you feel you have to do. Knowing that YOU have done your best too.

Just my thoughts...hopefully some of the real pro's here can give you better advice.

I can't even think of one off the top of my head who DID file. Almost all of them make the threat, though.

Mine filed. Check my username for current status...

Why don't you give him an overview of your situation, CEH? It will give him hope, I am sure. I will just add again that most WS' make the threat, I can't think of any - until now - who followed through on it.

You realize that his question was "2. How often does a filing WS later decide to drop the D suit?"

MelodyLane,

My WW left and never looked back. She filed, not me. I tried everything to stop or delay the divorce, hoping the affair would end. It did not and the divorce is now final.

I'm not sure that will give any hope. But it is a datapoint, and anecdote in answer of the question.

I heard so many people tell me the affair would end, the divorce wouldn't become final, etc.

The truth is, it happens, people get divorced everyday and live to tell about it.

Am I happy about it?

No.

Will I survive?

Yes.

Will I be better? Probably.

Do I get to see my daughter often enough? No

Is my finacial situation better now that WW isn't spending from what we both make. Yes - child support and lawyers was cheaper than having her in the home.

So divorce is a thing. There are good aspects and bad aspects. Sometimes I wish I actually had a chance to save my marriage. But I can't dwell on that. I have no control over another person.

So I don't necessarily want to give hope, I want to be real. Sometimes a WW walks out, calls you all sorts of names, many of which don't apply, and never comes back.

Sometimes a WW pushes her daughter out the door and slams it so she doesn't have to face her ex-husband.

Two days ago was the anniversary of I love you, but I'm not in love with you, I'm unhappy and want to move out. A year ago, I was so sad that it was the one year since she left. This year, I didn't even realize it was that long until late yesterday.

I still feel bad that I couldn't meet her needs and it still hurts that she chose a now 53 year old married man 400 miles away to try to meet those needs.

As much as I'd like to see God get revenge in my sight, during my lifetime, perhaps them living with each other is punishment enough.

There is still sadness that my daughter has to live through all of this, and there is no way I can protect her from my WW's bad example.

I've been mad at God, for not keeping WW away from MOM, not giving me the means to demonstrate to WW the changes I needed to make. I hurt that the person I counted on to be in my corner, abandoned me. One in a long line of people in my life who've in one way or another abandoned me.

I pray that everyone having marital difficulties can learn to love one another and meet the needs of their spouse. I pray that everyday.

Maybe if God didn't make that happen for me, He will at least make it happen for you.

I'm divorced, it's a thing, full of both good and bad. It is merely one more thing I will overcome.

T

Many thanks Confused for taking the time to respond. I hope you find peace and happiness.

wnh

You are obsessing and devoting way too much thought and energy to her threats. She's a foggy infidel right now, and not thinking rational thoughts. Let her hear how much $$$ her visit with the attorney is going to cost, and how much of your property she will have to decide to forego in the settlement. These are "fantasy busters".

Your insistance to react to every threat and word is wearing you out, and driving her away.

Cool your jets... let her have some peace and quiet to stew in her own juices for a couple of weeks while you Plan A your A$$ off.

You are getting the same advice from everyone .... you've got to believe in the process. Get busy finding constructive things to do around your house... paint a room your W always wanted painted, but you never got around to... whatever... keep physically busy, and let this exposure do it's work.

As long as you keep poking her for info about her plans, she's sure to make some! Back off a bit, ok?

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks Shattered. Please understand I'm talking with you guys, not with her. She and I are (usually) cordial, but have communicated little about her threat to D. I've been waiting for MC tonight, where she will likely provide more info.

I like your thought; 'a couple of weeks' sounds good. I want a couple of weeks, but I don't think I have a couple of weeks. I know I'm looking ahead a bit, but I'd rather try to be a bit prepared than behind the game.

Just realized I haven't said this for awhile: a huge Thank You to Melody, believer, send, Owl, Shattered, Confused and all of you for having the kindness to care about and help a stranger in his own private wilderness.

Just out of MC. This is WAAAAY too close to the brink. We're going day-to-day; as of tonight it sounds like WW has not yet decided to file.

Our MC did beautifully. The session started with WW yelling - and crying - at me for breaking my promise not to expose. Then MC got out the 2x4 and whacked me hard for breaking my promise. Reeeally disgusted with me. Then he whacked WW hard for repeatedly being in contact while telling me, and MC, that she was in NC. Said he's pretty disappointed in both of us, and that we're both so low we deserve each other. Etc. Really whacked us.

I think it was exactly the right thing, nearly brilliant. Whacking me helps WW save face, without filing. Whacking WW may have helped her see she's not really the A's victim.

He imposed an in-house separation on us. Separate bedrooms, no talking except for logistics (namely getting the kids where they need to be). To stay that way indefinitely. We're each to use the time for SELF-reflection. For now that's okay by us, neither really wants to see or be with the other right now anyway. I hope that will keep WW's hurt feelings from breaking through into a D suit.

WAAAAY to close to the brink. Every day will be another brink experience. But at least it may buy us some time to get our heads straight before deciding whether to D.

Seems like Plan A is definitely the way to go now, although I'm a bit handcuffed by our mutual sentence.


I'll be honest. This won't sound good - a small part of me feels disappointed that I may have squandered a chance to get out of this M. I fear another 30 years of this *stuff* and wonder if we shouldn't just be done with it now.

MC didn't say you couldn't purchase a nice bunch of flowers and leave them on the table in a vase with a nice card thanking her for going to MC, did he?

MC didn't say you couldn't bring home her favorite Chinese carry out and surprise her for dinner, did he?

MC didn't say you couldn't rent one of HER favorite movies and "just" start to watch it when she comes home from work or shopping, did he?


MC didn't say you couldn't buy a small bottle of her favorite perfume and leave it in plain view on her car seat, did he?

Get inventive, be thoughtful and creative. MC said don't talk, but he didn't say you couldn't take ACTIONS that are thoughtful and loving. Don't over do it, just little surprises, like you just met her, and you are trying to send her little signs that in your eyes, she's special.

Expect NOTHING in return, no acknowlegement, no "thank-you", not even a mention. YOU don't mention it either, unless she DOES, then just say, you are welcome.

Women like to be treated like they are special. You know her better than any of us here. Put on your thinking cap, and get busy!

MC sounds like it didn't do you any harm, perhaps a ray of sunshine.

Stay positive,
SD

Oh shattered..... you are soooo intuitive. Soooo sly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks Shattered. I'm on board with your ideas. Plan A will be tricky; WW will react adversely to anything too strong. Thx again.

Shattered you sig line says you've been through a lot. Care to share a few highlights from your own story? What were your own experiences from post-NC last Feb?