wnh, sorry to hear things are now hwo you would like them right now. Things will defenitely change as you know so don't get to beat up about the current situation. She sounds like she is in a similar position to that of my WW. Contine Plan A and maybe trying to pull back a little. No R-talk or ILY and that kind of stuff. Don't be so predictable. See how that plays out.

Make her think a little. The pressure and R-talk only push them farther away right now. Back off and try doing something for yourself a little. You certainly derserve it.

Thanks for the words Hope. Mutual support group here. I know you're right in line with MB philosophy, and I'm on board with it too. Hope we're right. Let's both succeed!

Last night she was impossible, tonight cheerful. C/b because she has an attorney appt tomorrow. How nice.

Surprise, that was a pretty good weekend!

Re: the Babe's possible attorney meeting; As it turned out, the Babe was booked with kid stuff during the time I thought was scheduled for her attorney. She couldn't have made that meeting. Could have rescheduled of course.

Middle of last week I'd asked the Babe if someday we could go to dinner with the kids. She just grumbled. But then Saturday night she surprised me, asking if it would be a good night to do that. Cool. Nice dinner, not fancy. Kind of fun but not like formerly. Hey I'll take what I can get.

Sunday she rode bike, but I don't want to ask or think about who she rode with! No sign of misbehavior on her cell phone log. There are a couple of mystery #'s I'll look into. Either they're in NC (as OMW thinks) or they've gone pretty deep underground. Working on more info sources.

The Babe was pleasant and conversational Sunday night as well. Could be she's warming up, or could be she's happy because she had a fix riding with OM. FWIW she's signalling that she's not riding with him anymore, e.g. by calling women friends to ride with.

IC for me tonight, working on those control issues. Huge LB for her, and if I can eliminate those issues - or at least get her thinking that I'm progressing - that should help some. I'm thinking to report back to the Babe about the progress I'm making with IC. So she knows I'm taking my end seriously.

According to the rollercoaster theory the next few days should be really terrible. Trying to just roll with the punches and add love units where I can. I bought her a couple of small gifts, probably will give them on a good night this week. Hope she can receive them nicely. Job search is making progress. That may help too.

Hope if you're here I'll mention I'd followed your suggestion and pulled back a bit. That may have helped. Will continue that line. MC had advised much the same, I think he'd said 'keep her leaning towards you rather than chasing her'.

It's a bit tricky though to work at continuing to add love units, while also pulling back a bit. My take is to stay busy w/o the Babe, and maybe let her wonder what I'm doing with my time.. but also when I'm with her be kind gentle and loving.

wnh, I know it is hard but we have to stop the R-talk. I just had one last night and although it made me feel a little better it pushes the WS away. No ILY either.

I think pulling back is good since the WS doesn't feel as trapped and pursued by BS. It may even give them a chacne to think what is going on.

It doesn't mean you have to be cold or mean to her, just don't always try and start the conversation and be near her. Let her come to you.

Yes alwasy be kind and gentle to her.

My WW said some real hurful things to me last night, but I understand why she said them and tried not to let the workds get to me.

It's going to take a long time to get things where we want them to be.

How do you like IC? I'm thinking of going myself.

Hope: Thx for the words. Will do. I had been thinking to ask Babe for a meeting tonight after MC to download - but now maybe I'll just let her wonder about it for a couple of days.

Our MC has been a terrific resource, both for individual and joint counseling. I understand many posters here haven't had that kind of experience, and suggest it's best to be careful in choosing one. Ours gets referrals from 'Focus on the Family', the Christian organization near Colorado Springs. (Even though we're nowhere near there). I wonder if you could call & ask them if they recommend someone in your area?

MC has been useful for both the Babe and I to vent. The hard feelings don't seem to last quite as long if venting occurs in MC. But also I've used him to help approach certain topics with WW. I.e. call him before joint MC session and ask him to consider whether he thought it would make sense to bring up 'x' or 'y' subject. He's been very useful that way. Wife would reject out of hand anything I suggested, but if MC suggested it wife can give it fair consideration.

Above I mentioned that MC had whacked both the Babe and myself in a joint MC session. I think it was particularly useful to spread some blame and guilt onto both of us, and hopefully may have helped her feel reconciliation is a bit more achievable - since she's not the only guilty party. Caveat: I'm not even an amateur psychologist, that's just a feeling I have. Story's not over yet, I may renounce all of this. Hope not.

Best wishes to yourself. Wishing us both a small ray of sunshine this week..

Back to weirdness tonight. She said "I'm going out" but didn't offer where or with whom. She wasn't dressed for a date. Boy I hate thinking that way. Anyway I asked nicely, after a q or 2 she said 'shopping'. Can't understand why - considering our current state - she doesn't just say that up front. Things are so weird these days.

IC was weird too. Counselor wants me to think hard about my personal boundaries, and at the right time state them to the Babe, with the follow-up "that's what I am, I plan on having a great life, do you think you want to share it with me". Seems a bit impractical. I think I'll start a new thread on that topic. It's kind of philosophical, could be others have an interest.

wnh, So how are things going lately. Last I heard things were somewhat better, but still very shaky with the WW.

Is she still in contact with OM?

Is you Plan A having any effect on your WW?

Hi Hope. Nice to see you here, I hope you don't mind me putting my 2c on your thread? It's just that we've had a lot of experience with MC. One of the few areas I'm not such a newbie.

Thx for asking; I think the A is over, but not sure. OMW says that OM doesn't respond to the Babe anymore after I exposed, although Babe has tried to contact OM twice. Not ideal, I would prefer Babe cut off contact. I also don't see evidence of contact, but of course they could have just gone further underground. Hoping to develop more info sources.

I don't think I've told her I'm more upset about her disrespecting me (lies, deceptions, and dismissals) than about OM. 4 months of alienation already! I know that's not a long time by MB standards, but it feels like plenty to me. If the disrespect continues much longer I may file, but I'm not sure she knows that. In the meantime I'm playing cards close to the vest, Plan Aing, and adding love units. And taking your lead re: no R talk, and leaning away a bit.

She may file anytime. She's trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life. And nursing her new resentments about my exposing, and her old resentments about my controlling behaviors. Still in-house separated.

Communications are a bit better recently, but that may mean only that she's getting more comfortable with a D decision rather than with the M. I really don't know, and don't want to ask right now. But it feels like things are better.

So to answer your question about Plan A, I GUESS it's working, or maybe the Babe is just tired of being pissed at me. At some point we'll need to get back to R talk.

Thank god ours - like yours I think - was mostly a one-way infatuation. I can't imagine how hard it would be if the attraction were mutual and they'd been deeply in love for many years.

Best wishes to you.

weneedhelp...

How you doin'? Update please?

SD

Hi SD. Thx for asking. As above, status quo. Some days warmish, some chilly. Asked Babe if she would think about doing something together this weekend, she didn't say either yes or no.
Thx for your words on my boundaries thread too.
Your trip (or maybe vacation) was good?

wnh, glad to see things are at least stable for you. I figure if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything.

Since my WW seems to be in FORTRESS mode right now, all I can do is treat her like a friend, or even better a stranger. You know, be nice, pleasant, funny and courteous to her. I think each day she is shutting me down more.

I hope time will somehow thaw her heart somewhat so that she can let some of this in.

Don't give up even though some times it seems the easy way out. Whatever happens at least you will know you gave it everything you had.

Thanks Hope, some days I need that encouragement. Same to you. Toughest thing I've had to work through ever.

We really are giving it a heckuva shot aren't we? I plan to carry myself so as to not have any regrets about this. So that - if Babe chooses not to come join me in a new better M - I can be at peace with that outcome.

weneedhelp...thx for asking. Vacation was taken to provide support for my 89 year old father's hip replacement surgery. My two brothers and my sister all converged to support him and my blind 87 year old mother. My brothers and I did manage 3 rounds of golf during this time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All went well, and he should be in fine shape for his 90th birthday celebration the weekend of Oct. 8,9. The family is converging again for that, and my brothers and I are taking the week preceding to play some more golf.

Thanks again for asking!

Stay the course... the slow thaw seems to be going as "scripted". Plan something so fun with the kids this weekend that it's an offer your WW cannot refuse!

::::::::::Placing creative thinking cap on weneedhelps head:::::::::

SD

Thx SD. I have to say that hat's a loose fit for me. Creativity has never been a strong point for my small head and its even smaller contents. Suggestions welcome..

Sounds like your fam is terrific. No doubt yr dad feels warm and loved. Set any new course records?

I'm good at boy stuff (rafting, kayaking, ballgames, camping).. so the boys have been happy these last few weekends when Babe wanted to be by herself.
But where I've failed is stuff that Babe will enjoy and the kids too. Add to that; it's tougher to please her these days..

That's why Disney is so successful...! Movies, theme parks, water parks, etc.

Maybe a trip to a fun "burger bar", something retro?, and a night at the movies for the little ones?

Buy each of the kids an easy model, and help put them together? Bowling? Water park? Go Karts? Miniature Golf? Interactive science museum? Carnival? Festivals? Whitewater rafting? The longer you do it, and the more fun it is, the more your WW will SEE what she's considered giving up. Forcing her in a passive/aggressive manner to view reality from the other side of the "looking glass". All under the guise of a great family night out.... win/win situation for all!

Get 'er done!

SD

Thx!

Yday I'd asked Babe if she would be interested in dinner out this weekend. Got a grunt. Today was leaving for dinner with son, and the grunt lady decided she wanted to go along. I was tempted to grunt back and drive off, but was of course the usual Plan A doormat.

Dinner was casual and good; upscale cheeseburger place, couple of drinks, pleasant enough. But I kept thinking about OM, probably every 10 minutes. Wasn't her fault, she didn't bring him up. It's just that every topic of conversation seemed capable of having some remote connection. Mind's playing tricks on me. How do I get that under control?