OK so I went on one date - and I will be divorced three years in September - I work 2 jobs, have 2 kids, a cat, a home - and no time of my own... Plus I don't even know how to date - Actually I was sort of seeing someone like right after my divorce was final but in 2003 but he was very screwed up and just used me and he was someone that I had known for over ten years... but anyways - My question is - How do you get into dating mode??? And is ok to just not date??? Or am I really afraid of being hurt that I just cannot even imagine it??? I mean I see people who break up and they both have new partners like within a month or so... I mean am I ever gonna do this???

I don't date, because I don't believe I'm ready and really have no desire to do so.

How do you get into dating mode???
I'm sure there is no simple answer to this one. I would suppose that you have so strong a desire for it that you just do it.

And is ok to just not date???
Absolutely it's OK. I don't know how old you are, but "dating" is for the younger set. We older people don't really "date", after all. You have a household to run, two jobs, and children to care for. The sort of dating we did in our 20s is never going to work for you.

Or am I really afraid of being hurt that I just cannot even imagine it???
Only you can answer this question.

...I see people who break up and they both have new partners like within a month or so
By this do you man someone breaking up with a BF/GF? That's very, very different from loosing a marriage. If you are speaking about a married person getting divorced and having a new parter in a month or so, you are talking about very foolish people, so you don't want to be like them.

I am 40 years old I just turned it in December and I am talking about married people - with kids actually and they just jump right into the next relationship and I am lonely and I want someone - I just don't know how to go about it - or do I really want it ??? I sometimes wish that I could just go back to the way things were when I was married it was so much easier - I know that in truth I wasn't probably as happy as I know I can be - my ex took advantage of me -- didn't appreciate me... you know stuff like that... And I am not sure what I want to be -- I just know that yesterday I made a comment about someone already dating someone after being married for about two years - and her comment was - no one waits years like you before they start dating??? Am I normal???

Keep in mind that normal and good are not the same thing.

Normal means what most or a lot of people do. Being overweight is becoming what is normal in some geographical areas. That doesn't make it a good or desirable thing.

It's normal among emotionally mature people to have a significant length of time between serious long-term relationships. Whether it's normal among the general population I have no idea.

Well I've been only one one date since my divorce and that was with a lady I've known most of my entire life. I've asked a few ladies out and as my luck would have it, they already have boyfriends (well, or were just brushing me off so I didn't feel bad...lol).

Noone waits years huh? My brother was divorced for something like 7 or 8 years before he even went on his first date. I didn't think anything was abnormal about this. He just wanted to take the time to enjoy himself in other things than a relationship.

There is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to getting back into the game. Don't worry about what is normal or not...normal is a bs term anyway...in my opinion.

Don't let others tell you what's normal for you. I work with a woman who's D was final in December. Her girlfriends were all over her about "getting back in there" as soon as the divorce was final. I advised her to lay low for awhile, because she was essentially sweeping the emotional fall-out of her D under the rug. She was loney, too. Well, she started dating before the ink was even dry on her papers. In seven months she's been intimately involved with six different men. They've all started out being Mr. Wonderful, but within weeks, the trouble begins. She just doesn't see that these men are carbon copies of her ex-jerk.

I remember that right ater I got the wonderful news that my W was going for a divorce. I was talking to a friend and said something along the lines of "I'm going to be so lonely." His immediate response was "Oh, don't worry about that, we'll fix you up with a new woman in just a couple of week." It never dawned on him that that would be the last thing I would want.

Of course you are lonely, of course you miss the advantages of being married. But don't despair. There are a lot of advantages to being alone, too. You are asking a lot of questions about what you really want. I think you need to decide what you want before you worry too much about the how part.

Well, I'm not dating because I'm not divorced yet. However, my sister is. For a number of reasons, including an illness, my sister took many years off of dating. She's never been married.

First off, Sis started doing some therapy to help her be ready for a relationship. Now when she's doing something as simple as grocery shopping, she makes eye contact with men and smiles. She works on being approachable. She also going places were there are men, like trap shoot with our father.

She also had her profile up on Match.com briefly, but she took it down. She didn't feel comfortable with that. Now, she's enrolled in an expensive match making service.

She went on a date within two weeks of enrolling. She said it was terrific, but the gentleman did not ask for her number at the end of the date.

Personally, I think that having a lot of responsibility makes it hard to date. My mother waited several years. She was 46 before she dated at all. At 52, she got remarried. Ma and her H are having the time of their lives. And while they don't end up in the same bed, they do start out in the same bed, so I guess the physical part is still going strong after 60.

I look at my mother and say to myself... "There's time."

Mineownself... Normal and good are not the same... Thank you for reminding me of that... I dont' really think there is anything wrong with putting my children first - which is in my mind what I am doing.. though explaining that to even the best of friends is hard....

Madeit - Thank you for letting me know that I am ok with my decision - though don't get me wrong if Mr. Right walked in my front door - I wouldn't turn him away you know??? I guess deep down I am not ready....

CheckUrHeart - Thank you for reminding me that it is ok to be alone.... I am not sure what I want - I really somedays think yes I need someone - I deserve someone - but other days I think - wait my girls are the most important thing to me right now and that is ok.... I guess I was just looking for someone to tell me that it was ok not to date... or I was normal because it wasn't my top priority... you know???

Greengables... Trap shooting huh??? Yikes I work at Lowes there are lots of contractors in there but I haven't really talked to anyone - maybe I should start making that eye contact...and I will remember there is time.. I am still young... Thank you all again...

There is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to dating after divorce. And if there was, I certainly am not. It all depends on the circumstance and the person.

I've been divorced for 8 years and only now do I feel ready to start "dating".

I found that dating complicated my life when it was already complicated enough. Also, with the statisticly poor success of second marriages, especially with blended families, I wasn't eager to put my kids through the possibility of a second divorce.

Now my kids are older. My life isn't as complicated as it once was. It's time.

The biggest advantage I've gained by living "alone" for so long is that I have learned to be "ok" with it. I can do it and be happy. There are many worse places to be than lonely.

I think only when someone is ready to live alone is a person ready to date.

TheBigGuy - oh well if that is the case I may never date.. I am not sure I am ever ready to live alone... my kids are still young 12 and 15 - I hope you mean when you can accept being alone... not necessarily living alone... Good Luck with your dating...

Not dating - because my daughters need my total attention at the moment and work is busy. Also, I have no desire for the "dating games" and/or casual sex which eliminates at least 75% of the dating populus. If/when the time comes for "that" woman to enter my life, I figure God will make it apparent to me.

Good Luck,

FR <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Big Guy, you make an excellent point. I'm unwilling to get serious about a man any time soon. I have two girls. Statistics show that most girls who are molested are molested by their mother's new H or live-in boyfriend. I'm not talking about a pedophile who'd be interested in them now, but what about when they are 15 and sixteen?

So, I'd rather not meet a Mr. Right right now. He'd have a loooong wait, and so would I. OTOH, I wouldn't mind going out casually with the Mr. Maybes.

Besides, who really has the time to date? House, work, kids, pets, sleep. They all take time.

Dating because you are lonely is a very bad place to start. It's very easy to accept less than you deserve when you are looking for a person to salve the pain of lonliness.

Find ways to ease that pain yourself, before you start dating. Focus on kids, focus on family, be a friend to someone who needs a friend. Yes, when you can accept being alone and can say that you will have a good life even if you never find someone, that is when you are ready.

OK well I am ok alone - I have been alone for awhile -- I think that it bothers my friends more than it bothers me... I will be ok .... Really and I know that... I just well - I guess I just wanted to see if other people thought it was ok to not date.. My exhusband tells me I need to get myself out there - imagine that... If he wasnt' out there during our marriage well I wouldnt' be where I am now... but that is history... You know??? And I have my priorities straight and my life is full - kids, work, friends - so I will survive....thank you for all of your advice...

(( [color:"blue"] Maw [/color] )) - I have been divorced since January, and separated for 3 years before that. I am not remotely interested in dating at this time (or in the forseeable future). If you're thinking the same way, for whatever reason, let your friends know. I realize they are well-meaning, but they'll take their cue(s) from you. Be up front and matter-of-fact with them that you're not interested/ready/whatever, and if that changes, you'll be the first to let them know. THEN they can start fixing you up with dates. But as they see you're happy with your current decision, they'll pick up on it and not bug you.

Avondale - thank you - the thing is they dont' think I am happy with my current situation and you know I am not even sure that I am ... I mean somedays I think I am .. and other I am like god I would love to date - but mostly I think that I am afraid of being hurt - or that I have that - well if my ex didn't want me attitude who would you know??? Plus I always belive what everyone tells me and most people tell me I should date - so then I think there is something wrong with me... Which there probably is.... I just wish someone would show up at my door - be the love of my life and want to be with me forever - you know - gee that would be so much easier wouldn't it????

Hi ... I'll hazard an answer here. First, to be honest, I've been on MB for a long time, but I am posting with a new name because I've directed some people to the forums lately and realized that it would be easy for some of them to see themselves if I continue to post under that username. Sooo... on to my response:

I'm not dating currently. Why am I not dating? Because I am overweight and can't seem to BUY myself a date with a decent guy.

I'm quite popular as a person to hang out with, to do stuff with as long as it's in a group setting ... I'm everybody's friend (I guess it is OK to have a friend who is overweight) but nobody's lover. And frankly, it's gotten to the point where I won't even put myself "out there" anymore because it is so incredibly hurtful to be rejected before I even open my mouth (the saddest part of all is that quite a few of the guys who are doing the rejecting are certainly not prizes themselves - overweight, balding or just dysfunctional ...) I have gotten to the point where I won't even try to ask a guy out - because I'm already quite sure that he won't want to go out with me because I'm overweight. And, so far, it's been true. Forget about the fact that I'm cute, very intelligent, love to do stuff that guys like to do, am responsible and accountable, dress nicely and take care of myself (contrary to some beliefs, all people who are overweight are not subconsciously suicidal or uncaring of their health), am always learning new things and looking for ways to improve ME, and have a great sense of humor - I'm just not "thin, petite, athletic" ...

Bitter? A little. But I'm not dating and that's the bottom line why.

[color:"blue"] CS - you just wait. I know a lady who is very overweight and she just got engaged to a sylvester stallone type. My jaw must have dropped and I was catching flies the first time I saw him. He is totally devoted to her.

V. [/color]

I'm at a crossroads in my life with respect to dating.

When my D is final, I have some choices to make. One could be dating. One could be finishing my PhD (and these two are mutually exclusive, due to time commitments). Another could be pursuing other things I want to do, like traveling and picking up on old hobbies again (photography comes to mind).

And of course my dogs will be a big part of my life. (Must Love Dogs - I must see this movie!)

My list is long. Everything on it is within my control and within my ability to pursue - EXCEPT dating. And, I'm probably too old now to postpone any of these options and still be able to pick them up later. Food for thought.

Good thread, Mimi!
I have gone through all of the stages that everyone's going through right now on this board. I thought as a Christian woman (raised extremely conservatively) that it was my duty after my D to go out a replace my X. So, before I was divorced a year, I was engaged to a nice guy (i was only engaged about a week when I realized what I was doing). I was so relieved to get out of that. A couple of months later, I got on some online sites and started dating some more, and became serious with another guy who wanted to get married.....well, I broke up with him also realizing I just wasn't ready. I have been divorced now almost 2 1/2 years, and since the second guy I have dated several more guys. I craved a relationship so bad, and prayed nightly that God would either send someone my way, or take the desire to be married away until his timing was right for me. He has done this for me: right now I no longer have the desire and craving for a relationship. I am content to be with my children. They are at such an age where they really need me right now. My oldest is going off to college, leaving me two hormonal teenagers: ages 13 and 15. They take up so much of my time, and I realize how swiftly they are growing up, so I am focusing on them, my job, and my relationship with God (not necessarily in that order).....
I am happier now than I have been since my D. So, I have gone through many stages and emotions........
It is normal to crave a relationship. God made us to be with someone........I do firmly have faith that when the time is right, it will happen.
Mimi, you are doing great. I do think it would be fun for you to date some. Maybe you can get on some online sites....I dated some really nice guys that way.
Don't be afraid to date, but also, if you are content as you are, that is fine too.
Take care.
KK