HL..I need to comment on NC....You and I have similiar boundries regarding contact with OM. And your W's employment and position is similiar to my XW's (executive, very difficult to replace, etc.). If your W is an executive then sh ecan delegate anything to someone else. They do not need to discuss anything. My position was that it is NOT business. They began a personal relationship that was conceived during a business one, therefore they crossed the line. I went thru a similiar experience recently and that was and remains my boundry. Delegate it to someone else, tell the OM that she won't respond to his e-mail, phone calls, etc, he is to call...xxxxxx. Otherwise your recovery will be even more difficult than it already is....

Hey Guys,

I've been there, got the T-shirt, baseball cap, etc.

Ask your wives whether they want their jobs, or their marriage. Then act accordingly. Job = divorce. Marriage = leave job.

It's as simple as that. Anything else extends the pain.

Send me on my way

I agree with you 100% but they don’t see it that way! I originally told my W no contact period! I told her that she can assign his contact to someone else who can manage those contacts as they arrive. My W responded but he is very knowledgeable about our business and a great resource and my friend, at the time I responded, “If you never would have slept with him you wouldn’t have lost your friend!” So consequently the first time he contacted her, I found out and we had an argument, with my W telling me that she agreed to what I asked because it was what I wanted, not her! I got angrier because I find lying as bad or worse than cheating!

So I have softened my stance, by saying that any contact needs to be discussed, I would prefer no contact but if for some reason it occurs incidental business or one of you just calls, writes excreta, please fell you can confined in me…I will try my best to be understanding.

I agree with you we should be holding all of the cards…but that’s not the point, if they don’t feel the same as you and are willing to hide it from you, just to not hurt you when it occurs…That’s keeping up their lying, which is what they did during the A…That is totally unacceptable! So I created my middle ground and have given my with a letter about what would make our marriage special; see posting:

How to make my marriage special again?

Infidelity >> Plan A/Plan B

Point 5 talks about intimate honesty as the bedrock of marriage…That’s my view and trying to get her to understand if we are to have a marriage that is special to me, we are going to have to be intimately honest with one another!

That’s my view and I’m 49 days post D-day!

Still trying to figure out when the hurting is going to end, but at least at appears things are getting better.

Ron,

Things are never that simple! People work there whole lives to achieve a level of success and accomplishment and you expect them to throw it away over night?

Please read this entire posting!

My W and I struggled early on in our life; we got married right out of high school and started our family, we both decided to return to college. We spent many years and each completed two degrees. Since then we each have helped each other with our careers, helping with strategies and many other important efforts. We both want what is best for each other and know that personal contact with the OM is destructive.

I just haven’t need to give an ultimatum that would force me to do something I don’t want to do right now, as long as my W is committed to our M and being faithful and honest. There is no reason to push her down that road!

HL...You have compromised one of your boundries with this "work related contact"...It's BUII$HIT to think it's just that. If she is an executive then she can delegate. If she needs something from him then her "delegate" can get it. I for one would not budge...NC means NC and the "need" for contact will never just be "for work"..all of this "crucial, business information"....can be gotten from and by others...here's a reason why...

What would she do if some disgruntled employee blows his head off??? The company would fail.....why would she want to work there then??

Stand your ground...period... wavering here is the worng thing to do...

By the way....I am an executive myself...and there are people I rufuse to deal with that I should...not because I slept with them but because I don't like them...I'm pretty good at it...she can e-mail if she needs any help here...and I am being sincere...

I also think that you're settling here..."as long as my W is committed to our M and being faithful and honest. There is no reason to push her down that road" it doesn't make sense...do either of you need to be reminded of her A every time that they speak or he e-mails?? that is where the dishonesty will start..she'll "forget"...to tell you..and she shouldn't...I know when my XW's OM sent her an e-mail she damn near puked...OK...I'm done...

I agree with Send. Is there a REAL reason why any contact he makes with her company has to be through her??? I wonder big time about that...because it seems pretty unlikely that this would be the case...and even so, she should be able to do something about that. Go to her HR rep and let them know that she has to change job functions so that she's no longer in contact with him, something.

I refuse to believe that she has no other options...I think she's likely playing this card as an excuse to keep him in her life in some fashion or another.

I would hardly call a single email and two minute phone call, her desire to keep him in her life.

But ok let’s play devils advocate, you seem to think its better to demand complete NC!!!! Even if you’re WS has acknowledged that she is committed to you M and will tell you of any contact; furthermore she has told you that if you don’t want to know that’s ok too, but she is not going to assign another person to deal with the OM.

So now you forced the WS to no longer confide in you and start lying…I see how affective that can be. Damit, I would like to state exactly how things are going to be but if that where the case I wouldn’t be in this mess!

I have told my W in order for us to have an intimate marriage I would need complete honesty above everything else. I have told her, if she wants me to believe we have the M, I’m looking for she needs to freely discuss everything, not just the easy things. I told her that when it comes to honesty I expect it can hurt, but a lie is crushing and destroys everything we have left!

So I explained how I have felt about NC, my W has agreed she’ll not contact the OM and reveal all contact by him. At this point I find that acceptable. On the other hand I have told her at this point I find admissions of the truth to be a lie and that any contact would destroy the M, we are both committed to rebuild. Yes, I have thought a lot about this stance that’s originally why I asked the question…But my W has told me she feels closer to me now than she has in a long time. So, I’m giving her a chance to prove everything to me and I do have ways to verify, if she is telling the truth. Until she breaks the rules I have put in place, I see no reason to enrage our situation.

Ok, the last email had some business info and she enclosed it:

Hope you are well and lookforward to hearing from you.

HL -- sorry to see your last post... especially after reading through all the others. I am FWS. Approx 30 days past d-day. Had work dealings to finish w/ OM. Finalized them today (this was the third of three contacts I've had w/ him since d-day -- all I informed my husband about, and this was our joint plan of how to work it). Prior to today, my last contact w/ OM was 2.5 - 3 weeks ago, and I was feeling that the "addiction" was broken (our contact was primarily through email and im). I was horrified at myself, grossed out by him... etc. But just in the limited contact we had today, I found myself thinking WAY too much about him... rereading his final email (BUSINESS - not personal), and wondering how he was... kind of hoping for one last follow up message. NOT GOOD. What I am saying is it is a slippery slope in the mind... I am being fully honest with my husband, cc'd him on the emails and everything... followed MB site suggestions and got right in contact with hubby to kind of help me clear my brain... but the people who say every contact the ws has w/ op puts them back at risk is RIGHT. I am in MC, IC, am working everything... but my brain wants to go down this path... Not a pretty picture. I hope your wife and you both understand this. I hope you both understand what it is that led her to become involved w/ OM. I would be very worried if I were you about that "hope you are well and look forward to hearing you line"... even though I was feeling the pull, my email had NOT ONE EXTRA word in it. I couldn't afford the risk (of gently indicating contact was ok, or of indicating I wanted more contact no matter what the excuse). So my ties are cut. Thank God. I can move on. Good luck to you.

I'm just not SURE WHAT TO DO NEXT? I have asked her to read some of the stuff from this site.

HL -- I can't advise on the NC part... but I'd strongly suggest that she read the website's material on infidelity, why it happens, how it ends, etc. I know you said that she didn't like reading it bc it brought it all back... but what IS she doing to work towards recovery? I see you doing a lot... your big request to her has not exactly gotten stellar response... Anyway, my point is, those materials really helped me understand my own behavior better and also the "slippery slope" I refered to. Not sure I would have kind of "signed on" for no contact had I not read them... would have said, I can manage this professionally... it is over... blah blah. Did not realize the whole "addiction" issue until I read it and it hit me square in the face that the affair felt EXACTLY like an addiction. Even developing an understanding of the "Love bank" and how OM made so many deposits that I started feeling love towards him helped me move further toward recovery. Without all this crucial information, I feel like I would be spinning my wheels... mc/ic or not! If she is committed to meeting you in the middle and working on this marriage, she has got to do some things differently, and some of them she may not like... reading the information on this site will probably be the LEAST distasteful of all of them. THINK about all the work you've done... what is she doing? Is she Cake eating?

The last time I asked her to read some of this stuff, she closed up and it took me while to get her to open up again.

I might try emailing the website and a directory listing of some of the information I have?

Unless someone has another Idea?