Just curious...

Assuming you're looking for a relationship, how soon do you expect someone to stop seeing all others and become slavishly devoted to you?

At first sight?

After you give/get thier phone number?

After your first conversation that lasts more than an hour?

Before your first date?

After your first date?

Before your first kiss?

After your first kiss?

As soon as you feel like you want to be slavishly devoted to them?

Before you get nekkid together?

Before they meet the family/kids?

Before you get engaged?

I've been reading "The One" and was surprised that Dr. Harley was very accepting of his wife's "fling" while they were engaged. It's made me reevaluate my thinking.

When you discuss and agree to exclusitivity.

I agree with Lexxxy. Every person, and every couple is different, and has different comfort-levels.

For me, my answer is after a few dates, but definitely if we decide to "get nekkid". I don't want to share that with anyone else!

What Lexxxy said.

I think you've asked a tremendously valuable question - and one that is quite misunderstood & taken for granted.

Meaning? I think we apply the rules to marriage FAR too early in the dating game. I.E., we superimpose exclusivity onto our early dating lives when that is the very time we should be quite free to evaluate, analyze, sort.

Then, vice versa, too many marrieds think they can have EAs and PAs at will. And therefore many of us are here! Sadly!!

So? I think it has to be very concretely agreed upon. Too many just assume exclusivity. I've had that crop up time & again in my post divorce dating life. A kiss? Now you're exclusive! A long distance trip to spend a weekend together? Now you're exclusive! NOT!!!!!

It takes the ole POJA in action here in my opinion. We BOTH want & need (for our reasons) to view this as exclusive. It is our joint agreement!

Regards,
High Flight

I am generally exclusive if/when I have SF with that person.
And I kinda expect that they be the same with me.

Of course I am not talking about the one night stand. I am talking about the relationship.

I agree that this is a valuable question. The answer, however, is not what many people would think of. This is because we tend to rush the development of a relationship and subject it to damaging pressures and set up unrealistic expectation. A healthy relationship must evolve at its own pace. If a new "couple" have made the sort of connection that both want, they will naturally want to devote their energies exclusively to their new partner. Most people make the mistake of requiring exclusivity in an effort to hasten the development of the relationship, and in my thinking, if this is a topic that requires a dedicated discussion, there is something crucial missing from the relationship.

I have never had the exclusivity discussion, at least not as a seperate discussion. Why? Because I have never approached dating in the way most people do. I have never really dated the way most Americans date, because I've always considered it very artificial and a tad silly. Every woman I have ever been involved with is someone I have met in the course of activities in which I participate. There was always mutual interest and we naturally desired to get to know one another better. The type of woman who is going to get my attention and inspire me to seek a relationship with her is not going to be the type who dates around. Does this mean that she can't be dating at all? No, but if she's hitting the singles bars, on-line dating sites and going out on date after date like she's shopping for shoes, I just am not interested.

And exactly what does exclusivity mean? A new love interest is bound to have opposite sex friends. In all probability she will naturally want to do things, such as have lunch or dinner, with these friends on occasion. Do I have a right to define these as "dates" and demand she not do it anymore. The answer is absolutely not.

I think that any discussion of exclusivity should only be as a single topic in a larger discussion of where the two of you see the relationship going. That is, that you've developed strong feelings for one another and are now ready to consider taking the relationsip to the next level. It should not be a point of negotiation, but only stating what really should be the obvious.

One caution: if you have agreed to exclusivity and you later find that your new partner is dating others, end the relationship immediately. If you don't this person will cheat on you later. While you work through an affair with your spouse, you don't do this with a BF/GF. No discussion, no excuses. Just send them packing.

T ~ Please take this in the kind tone of voice I am using...but your response PERFECTLY illustrates what I'm trying to say here.

1) How does one be "generally exclusive"??!!!??? You either ARE or are NOT -- by definition!

2) How do you "kinda expect" the same from the other person?

See the waffling tone here? Again, kindly intended, you are not alone in this position. It perfectly illustrates the point. Exclusivity is JUST THAT! It is what it is.

No kindas. No generally.

I.E., folks need to use the POJA explicitly. Be frank. Be clear. Be NOT misunderstood. Be "Boundary specific"!

All this "grayness"...all this waffling...all this halographic, pseudo, mumbo jumbo, maybe, pretendedness is EXACTLY WHY SO MANY OF US ARE HERE!!!! And in my opinion, why our society is in such disarray socially and spiritually at present.

Us MB alumini -- SURELY we can do better than this in our relationship decisions!!!

God bless,
High Flight

I don't think that T is waffling, but making a distinction between someone with whom he is having a sexual relationship, but to whom he has not made a committment for more.

Men are much slower to commit than women. Actually, this is where the exclusivity question is answered: when the couple decides to commit to one another. For those of us here, that means that you've decided to move toward marriage.

I KINDA and SORTA agree with CheckUrHeart.

I have advocated the postion that a relationship is only exclusive when both participants explicitly agree that is. If someone is looking for that commitment earlier than the the other, then they have the choice to look elsewhere.

I encourage/advise my daughters to avoid exclusive relationships for a very long time...but also to be very honest about where they think the relationship is going. Do they listen? Sometimes.

I have already had to "speak" with two men who thought they "owned" my daughters. They were harrassing them because my daughters wanted to move on.

I've seen comments about "serial daters" on here. I wish I had dated more in that fashion before I was married so I would've had a little more experience with relationships. I think a lot of people go out on dates with the intent of scoping out a marriage partner. What's wrong with going out simply to enjoy the company of the opposite sex? Why is it so hard to envision that this could be a different person every weekend?

I think this a very viable approach. It may not the same for eveyone and that's ok. Doesn't make anyone worse or better...just different.

It's a BIG ocean out there...

Low

You know, LowOrbit, I agree that your daughters should be playing the field. They are young, they have a lot to learn and they don't really know who they are yet, so "steady" relationships are not a good choice for the. As long as mom is having to step in on occasion to help mop up the messes, they aren't ready. Congrats on paying so good attention to what's going on in your daughters' lives! Too many parents don't until their kids are in trouble. An ouce of prevention.....

But things are different for us "grownups." Serial dating isn't for middle-aged people. I have a friend who is your age, whose marriage ended a few years ago. She took a year off to get over her divorce and started dating again. She decided that she'd not worry about seeking a new partner, but just enjoy some companionship with men. She let them know up front this was all she was looking for. It didn't take her but a few months to figure out that this approach is a dead end street. Oh, there are plenty of men out there who are willing to go this route with her. But she found that they didn't really care about her, but only about getting her into bed. She told me that it was all so shallow and completely unfulfilling, not to mention exhausting. This surpised her, since she'd dated around in college and had a blast and assumed she would do so again. Well, you can never go home again. So she stopped dating altogether for awhile. Now she only dates men she has an interest in and who has real interest in her. She goes out with her friends when she just wants an evening of fun.

Hmm, I never considered it a negotiating point or bargaining chip. As check says, I'd be pretty startled if it weren't part of a larger discussion of where the relationship is going.

But I also know that if a man isn't willing to come out and state that he wants to take the relationship to the next level and what that means to him, then he's not someone I want to go there with.